[Len's Garden]
When De had woken up that morning, he felt somewhat happier and calmer than he had done for the past couple of days.
It wasn't as though everything was back to normal, it wasn't as though everything was how he remembered, and how he wanted it to be, but somehow it was getting there and De suspected it had everything to do with the tender scene he ( Read more... )
It wasn't as though everything was back to normal, it wasn't as though everything was how he remembered, and how he wanted it to be, but somehow it was getting there and De suspected it had everything to do with the tender scene he ( Read more... )
He still felt somewhat unsettled from last night, and waking up wrapped up in Bill this morning had been both elating and agonizing all wrapped up in one, somehow. His conversation with Kirk had only added to his confusion, initially, but ultimately it had been good to let go of his feelings like that, and he couldn't quite shift the hope that it brought up inside him. Especially not if he remembered how Bill had looked at him this morning, face lit up with an odd mix of tenderness, hesitation, and dare he think it, love. Yet, surely if he was right on the latter, Bill could have easily reached over and kissed him, and yet he hadn't ( ... )
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"Don't worry about it. It was clear you two needed to talk, and I'd rather you did that and were both happy than be walking around all prickly with each other. I'm alright." He smiled slightly, and reached out for the coffee Leonard was holding out to him.
"I'll try and drink this one." Another slight smile, as De pulled some excess leaves from a rose stem. "Are you two ok now?"
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"I think I know what you mean," he whispered quietly, almost to himself. He'd mentioned to Bill that he had felt the same way about Len. Completely unable to read him. He'd never found it easy to read Len in the first place - for some reason, Bill was a much easier subject - but right now, he couldn't get a handle on the situation at all. He couldn't get a hint of what Len was feeling.
"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to," he mumbled, somewhat absentmindedly, still staring into the flowers, almost feeling unable to meet Len's eyes. "I just...want to know that everything's going to be ok." A silence. "You're all I've got"
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He sat down on the grass, joints creaking a little, getting as settled as possible. This could well turn out to be a longer conversation than he had expected. Then he spoke, arms outstretched, palms turned upwards, a silent gesture of both defeat and openness.
"De, you can't honestly be thinking that I want to keep things from you. I just..." he sighed, "I just didn't think it was right to add all my personal baggage to your worries, that's all." A crooked smile, as De glanced over at him, "But if you have questions that you want to ask me, anything at all, then ask away. I can't promise my answers will be any good, but what I've got, it's yours." And then, mock-reproachfully, "Surely you should know that, given how many times I've sought you out in the past when I was having difficulties?"
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He withdrew then, but kept both hands on De's shoulders, firm, reassuring, somehow sensing that his friend needed that kind of affirmation of reality right now.
"Look, are you sure there aren't any specific questions you want to ask me? Other than whether Bill and I will be ok, because while by God I hope so, I can't predict the future, unfortunately." He smiled, a little sadly. "But if there's anything else you want to know, anything that confuses you because you've only heard Bill's side of this so far... please ask?"
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"I hope you will be as well. I hope we be as well. I mean, just tell me that we still are Bill-and-Len-and-De? That hasn't changed has it? Me coming back and sudddently having me around again, that's ok?" He looked at Len with a sad sort of hopefulness in his eyes, before a glint, a hint of his habitual wit, humour and teasing nature appeared there as well.
"Do you love him? Bill said that was what you said. Do you love him?"
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Alright, so now he was rambling, and he knew the reason all too well: he was putting off saying it. He'd told Bill, true, but he'd typed it, written it, the actual words never having made their way past his lips. But there was no way around this, and perhaps there shouldn't be.
"And as for your other question, well, yes." Oh fuck it, was he really that chicken, that scared to hear it out loud? He sat up straight, shoulders back, and looked De in the eye. "I love Bill. I'm in love with Bill, De. Curse my stupid heart, but I'm head over heels, foolishly, madly in love with that man." He broke ( ... )
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"Oh, Len," he finally managed to breathe, before pressing himself into Len's arms and burying his face into Len's shoulder. His breath felt hot and tight in his throat and he felt the familiar sting of tears prick the corners of his eyes. "I've missed you too," he whispered, "or, I would have done," he said with a slight laugh, "if I'd known I was gone." He sniffed, hiding in Len's arms.
He spoke again, his voice somewhat muffled by his proximity to Len, "And I know. I know you do. Well, I knew you did. I...just couldn't tell when I...came back. You seemed different. But you do, and Len," he raised his head slightly, wet eyes looking deep into Len's, "Len, I'm so glad that you do. I was so worried."
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"I'm not sure I'm glad," he murmured quietly, unsure whether De would even hear it."
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Reluctantly, he pulled away from Len's grasp and straightened his back. "Are you going to do anything about it? If you feel that deeply, that in love, Len, then please tell me you're doing something about it." A love like yours, this all encompassing love, that tender love that I saw last night...don't throw it away, Len he wanted to say, but he didn't. He didn't want to tell Len he'd seen the two of them asleep in each other's arms and that he could tell. He didn't really know what Len would make of it, or what Len would say if he told him.
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"I just... I mean, I told him. It was probably inadvisable to do so in the first place, but I did, and I'm not even sure anymore I want to take it back. But Bill... well, he's obviously confused about things. And I don't think it would help matters much if I went and jumped him, at least not whilst he's still figuring things out. If that even is what he's doing."
He shook his head, defeated.
"I mean, the last thing I want to do right now is do anything that could possibly make this worse than it already is. Does that make sense?"
[[OOC - Oh dear, I think we need Bill to step in here, or De's going to read Len the riot act, and then things will spiral out of control.]]
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"You're not going to make it any worse, Len," said De, his heart melting at his friend's obvious confusion. "I promise you, you're not." He tried to hold back from saying more, he didn't think it was his place to..well..explain that the love they had for each other was shared.
"You just need to love him, Len. Love him and it'll all be ok."
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"I'm just not entirely sure whether Bill isn't just trying to comfort me in his own, special way. I mean, if he returned my feelings, he would have kissed me this morning, right? After all, we did wake up together in bed, so if there was ever a chance. But instead he just... drew away with this strange expression on his face that could have meant so many things, and... I don't know."
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Must have done. Because Len was saying that he didn't think Bill wanted to kiss him.
De didn't know how Len, the Len that he knew, the Len that knew the answers and could work everything out and just knew what was needed, he didn't know how Len could have misread this whole situation so spectacularly badly. He couldn't take it any more.
"Len. Len, how can you not know...can't you..." De broke off suddenly, hearing Bill's voice calling them from across the garden, moving closer.
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