never wear eyeliner when you just might cry...
three days ago::nick was supposed to come over so in order to have him come i had to do all this shit...well i did it all and all of a sudden my mom decides that he cant come....::me =royally pissed::.
well...two days ago was like the best day in like forever...i went to my dads house the night before and escaped my mom...talked to manzo all night then nick came over...we were supposed to go out on the boat and go fishing but the boat died so we went over to my aunts to go fix it and me and him fished...kinda...then we started trying to push each other into the canal and he pushed one of the poles in...i freaked my dad would kill me...so i pushed him in to go get it...lmao...fully clothed...then he pulled me in...fully clothed...so there we are...hanging out in the canal...in the oil from boat and the dead fish and all the crap people throw in there...ickie! so were like ew...and the i had a fish crawl up my leg and i freaked and nick laughed at me and said fish dont crawl...so we get out and go back to my dads house and went in the pool...he had a bathing suit but i didnt...so i went in dressed...it was fun...anyone whos ever made out with someone under water knows...omg is it cool...anyway...then we were hanging out in my room and he said it was a long time((we havent seen eachother in a month)) nad that he missed me...we had fun...((not like that you people!))and then my dad brought us back to my house and we hung out there...i brought charley out and i was telling him how charley reminded me of him...so then i was showing him some of charleys scars when he sais "charley...if theyre bigger that you...dont fight...if they want the girl they can have her...find someone new...unless shes really good in bed...then you can fight for her..." i was like nice...so then we got bad in the back yard...((still not that you people!))...and his mom called...she was there...damn...
yesterday::...band...pretty cool but i felt bad for emily...i mean sitting there seeing the one you like being with the one they like...damn...i went through that so much...but yeah band was cool every one played every one elses insraments...then he calls me and is like movies? im like ok...so we finally decide a movie but had to change it like 3 times cuz my mom was taking forever to get going...and... shes like oh ill go to a movie too...im like oh hell no...so finally i convince her not to...so we go see "mr and mrs smith" cute movie...durring it i asked him if he would fight for me((because of what he told me cat)) and he said "of corse"...anyway after we only had like 15 mins so he calls hhis mom and gets an extra 10...so we go over to bell tower and were talking about everything...then we sit down next to the fountin and talk about everthing else...love...exes...friends...being invisible...hurt...being lonely... not many girls will sit by a fountin talking to her boyfriend about his ex who he still loves while his mom who hates her has been waiting for 15 mins... so yeah...he was telling me about how much he loves his ex still...and it hurt...really bad...i told him about my being invisible for all 14 years of my life...and he told me why he was all over every girl...he told me why he liked me and how i was worth him not having megan anymore...it felt good but it still hrt because he can never love anyone the way he loved her...and me...i promised my self id never love anyone...never care about anyone...ever ever again...damn him...he blew that...finally after like half hour past his time and like 45 minutes past mine we head back and he get in the car and leaves...i go find my mom and she yells at me...wasnt in the mood for that...
went home cried...turned off all lights called manzo...found the razor and turned off the raido...mom yelled at me so i couldnt talk to manzo...layed down and cried into my pillow...and i scraped the razor over my leg...over and over...scraping and scratching...slicing and tearing...ripping into my flesh...i could feel the cool medal...and i could feel the warm blood...the only thing i couldnt feel was the pain that i was supposed to...i was numb...as i lay there crying...still working at my leg with the blade that every so often flashed with the light from the moon out my window...the moon that stole in through the drawn blinds...and it went on for hours...the crying and the cutting...finally i fell asleep...well not really sleep...but...i wasnt there anymore...well i went there...still cutting and the tears still running down my face...id wake up through out the night...and keep on going...crying and cutting...cutting and crying...finally i woke up...razor was gone...tears all dried...and i reached down to feel the damage...there was bound to be damage...i sliced up...and down...side to side...across...diagonally....scraped...slashed...prodded and dug....i expected to feel the sticky sensation of dry blood...but i didnt...i didnt feel blood...or scratches...or anything of that sort...i looked but didnt see it either...ran my fingers over my leg and found where i did it...but only cuz it hurt when i touched it...you cant see it..nor feels the torn skin...its gone....like i didnt even do it...but i can feel it...on the inside...just like a broken heart....
ever love someone who was in love with someone else?
expect the un-expected...
what did i ever do to desirve this?
its gone....like i didnt even do it...
lifes a bitch...then you die...::...so screw her and have fun with it...
drugs are bad...::...but sex is ok...::...depends on who you have it with...
you can never forget a first love...
they say if you love someone let them go...and if they love you theyll come back...and if they dont then it wasnt ment to be...but how can you let them go...if you love them so...and you know in your heart...if your ever apart...your heart will break and be torn...
i think im going to let him go...let him have her back...because then he will be happy...and seeing him happy is all i want right now...even if it does hurt me...