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I could lie and say I had an amazing time tonight. But I can't. I guess I should tell you a little bit about what happened first. A few days ago I was stopped by an old friend from high school and asked if I wanted to hang out with him, his girlfriend, and one of his friends tonight. I said sure, figuring that I could use a little social interaction. Then I found out that his other "friend" is one of my ex-boyfriends. My history with "Oz" is a pretty weird one and I'm not totally sure I can call him an ex, because we never really dated in person. It was more like e-dating. Anyway, before Oz ever said he had feelings for me, we were close friends. He is at least two years younger than me and he was a participant in an organization I used to volunteer for. So we became pretty close and last November when my great-grandmother died, he actually drove more than two hours to come see me. After our visit, he called me and confessed he had feelings for me. I admitted that I had feelings too and so we started "dating."Things went really well for awhile and then out of nowhere I got an email from him saying that "the distance was freaking him out and that the wanted to break up." Naturally, I was shocked and hurt. And so we stopped talking all together.
Recently, I got in contact with him again because I felt like it would be such a shame to see our friendship ruined over the incident I just described. And we had along, if not awkward, conversation about the whole thing and so we decided we should be friends.
Fast forward to tonight...I arrive at the place Oz and friends said we should meet only to find they were not there yet. Suddenly I see Oz walking toward my car. I let him in and he tells me that our friends girlfriend still needed to do her hair so we need to drive back to his apartment and wait for her to get done getting ready so we could go out. We drove back to our friends place almost in silence and then we had to wait for him to show up.Apparently he had walked another friend home. So after we waited around, each took a shot of ?, we headed (on foot) to Campus Town. Immediately began to regret my choice of footwear because I chose to wear stiletto heals and we were walking all over campus. So we finally found a bar that seemed decent enough and we went in. First we just kind of hung out, then we (kind of) danced (Oz does not dance and he was acting like he was afraid to even touch me...), then I got a drink and not long after that we left the bar and headed back to our friends apartment. We did wander around Campus for a bit longer but I was losing the feeling in my feet so we just decided to skip out on the bar scene. Instead we spent several hours playing "American Idol" on thePS2. The game is pretty fun, even though I have a cold and singing is hard for me. So finally at around 3:10am, I decided that I was done for the night. Oz had to walk me back to my car because he was carrying my car keys, I.D, cash, and cellphone for me as I had no pockets. So he hugged me goodnight And then there was kind of this lingering moment like we both didn't know what to do, so he just walked away and I hopped in my car. I will admit that I think I still have feelings for him, even though he hurt me. I felt like the alcohol was causing me to be a little more flirtatious but at the same time I couldn't help but feeling like I was making things more awkward between us. And then after I left I just felt sad. I honestly feel like I'm making him uncomfortable and am constantly worried that I am doing something wrong around him. I hate feeling that way and so I ask him if everything is okay but then I feel like I'm nagging. After all my past bad relationships, I feel emotionally unstable and I am not sure if a combination of instability and loneliness is causing me to feel the way that I feel or if I'm just that horrible at reading people.
Don't know how to handle people or read their emotions anymore. People confuse me. At this point, every time I see Oz I feel like I've done something wrong or I've caused a rift between us. Being emotionally unstable is ruining my life.....
Recently, I got in contact with him again because I felt like it would be such a shame to see our friendship ruined over the incident I just described. And we had along, if not awkward, conversation about the whole thing and so we decided we should be friends.
Fast forward to tonight...I arrive at the place Oz and friends said we should meet only to find they were not there yet. Suddenly I see Oz walking toward my car. I let him in and he tells me that our friends girlfriend still needed to do her hair so we need to drive back to his apartment and wait for her to get done getting ready so we could go out. We drove back to our friends place almost in silence and then we had to wait for him to show up.Apparently he had walked another friend home. So after we waited around, each took a shot of ?, we headed (on foot) to Campus Town. Immediately began to regret my choice of footwear because I chose to wear stiletto heals and we were walking all over campus. So we finally found a bar that seemed decent enough and we went in. First we just kind of hung out, then we (kind of) danced (Oz does not dance and he was acting like he was afraid to even touch me...), then I got a drink and not long after that we left the bar and headed back to our friends apartment. We did wander around Campus for a bit longer but I was losing the feeling in my feet so we just decided to skip out on the bar scene. Instead we spent several hours playing "American Idol" on thePS2. The game is pretty fun, even though I have a cold and singing is hard for me. So finally at around 3:10am, I decided that I was done for the night. Oz had to walk me back to my car because he was carrying my car keys, I.D, cash, and cellphone for me as I had no pockets. So he hugged me goodnight And then there was kind of this lingering moment like we both didn't know what to do, so he just walked away and I hopped in my car. I will admit that I think I still have feelings for him, even though he hurt me. I felt like the alcohol was causing me to be a little more flirtatious but at the same time I couldn't help but feeling like I was making things more awkward between us. And then after I left I just felt sad. I honestly feel like I'm making him uncomfortable and am constantly worried that I am doing something wrong around him. I hate feeling that way and so I ask him if everything is okay but then I feel like I'm nagging. After all my past bad relationships, I feel emotionally unstable and I am not sure if a combination of instability and loneliness is causing me to feel the way that I feel or if I'm just that horrible at reading people.
Don't know how to handle people or read their emotions anymore. People confuse me. At this point, every time I see Oz I feel like I've done something wrong or I've caused a rift between us. Being emotionally unstable is ruining my life.....