021 [Filtered to Lucci and Usopp]
I can't do this anymore. I love you both and I can't do this anymore.
Maybe if we just...I don't know. Talk about everything and be completely honest with each other then we can...figure something out? I don't know.
So. Um. I guess I'll just...start from the beginning.
When I was alive I avoided people in general, but men who seemed interested in me in particular. I always figured that showing interest in shit led to expectations which inevitably led to disappointment. I died when I was eighteen, having never dated anyone or even ever having been kissed.
The first boy I ever kissed was a schizophrenic who could see gravelings. I ended up reaping him less than twenty minutes after we kissed. I also kissed some random dude who worked at the same company I did who was really cute but I got offered a raise to...not hook up with him. So. I didn't.
I met Trip while I was at a country club on a reap. While I was waiting we got to talking and it was only after I'd agreed to see him again that I realized his father was my reap. I saw him again at his father's funeral and we hid under a table from his relatives. He showed up at my house not long after that and we slept together. I never heard from him again. And pretty much closed myself off to shit like that for a long time.
Six years later I ended up here. I never thought that I'd even find friends here, considering that back home I wasn't really allowed to get involved with the living, so being invited to be a part of a crew like the Strawhats was just...more than I could have ever hoped for. I really didn't want or need anything of a romantic nature in my life, but while I may be dead, I still do have a sex drive. I kissed Ace on my birthday because I could and I wanted to.
Usopp was a surprise. I really didn't want to start a relationship with someone, especially someone who was such a close friend, so for a long time I didn't admit to myself or anyone else that I was starting to have real feelings for him. First we were best friends, then "friends who make out sometimes," and then I finally agreed to let him call me his girlfriend once we'd been exclusively seeing each other for a significant amount of time but...I never wanted it to be something so important to either of our lives. I figured I'd get to be with him for a little while and then he could move on and find a nice living girl and grow up and have a family. And then he told me he loved me. I couldn't say it back because I knew that no matter what, adding something like "love" into the equation mean that somewhere along the line somebody was going to get hurt. And I was right. But in the end I didn't want to pass up the opportunity I'd missed in life to be in love so I just kind of...let it happen. Being with Usopp was like getting to be alive again. Like...a second chance at something I just didn't get to do while I was alive. With him I could pretend like that last six years had never happened and I was just a normal teenage girl.
And then there was Lucci. I didn't even talk to him at all for the first few months I was on the ship, but once we started talking...I don't know. Something clicked. We got along so much better than I would have ever thought. I could talk to him about being...well. Being what I am. He even started coming with me on my reaps, so I didn't have to be alone. And not only that, but I was able to help him, too. We just...got closer and closer and after awhile I could tell him anything, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. I'd never had a friend like that before, that I could be completely myself with. Usopp made me feel alive again, but Lucci made me feel okay about being dead. He became my best friend. I was always attracted to him (because he's ridiculously good-looking (and he knows it)) but I was content just being friends with him. He even gave me advice about Usopp when we went through a little rough patch. My feelings for Lucci snuck up on me. It was just like...one day I woke up and realized that I was in love with him. And when he told me he loved me too I was just...thrown for a fucking loop.
At first I was sure that Lucci's feelings couldn't be what he said they were. It just didn't make sense to me that he would fall in love with me. I was floored that Usopp fell in love with me too but for some reason Lucci had always seemed so much more...unattainable. I still loved Usopp and was happy with him, but when Lucci told me how serious his feelings for me were I just...couldn't ignore it. I decided to take a break from both of them to clear my head. They both said they wanted what was best for me, what would make me the most happy, but I couldn't choose one over the other, especially knowing that the one that I didn't choose would be heartbroken. How do you break the heart of someone you love? Of your best friend.
Taking a break didn't really work. All three of us were miserable, and I felt like there was this weight on my shoulders all the time. No matter what I did I was going to hurt somebody. Just sitting back and trying to think it through on my own obviously didn't work, so I had to try something different to help me make a decision. I knew what being with Usopp was like but I had no idea of Lucci and I would even work as a couple, so I spent a lot of time with him. We talked things through and I kissed him to see if my feelings were as deep as I thought they were or if I was just building him up to be something that he wasn't. But kissing him was...I don't know. Amazing. I still didn't want to hurt Usopp so I didn't do anything right away, but on New Year's Eve I decided that being with Lucci was something that was...it was important enough to me to at least try. So we tried. It was hard to find time to be together on the ship, especially since I wanted to put off telling Usopp to avoid hurting him, but every second we spent together was...perfect.
I was planning on telling Usopp the other night. Things had just gone too far to not tell him, but he and I spent the day together and it was...it was just like it used to be. Spending time with Usopp is easy and fun and...I missed him. But I felt too guilty lying to him anymore and I told him at least part of the truth about Lucci and me. Just that little bit broke his heart and the look on his face...I just couldn't tell him any more. We were both uncomfortable and we drank too much and...I really don't remember how it happened but I guess we just...acted on our feelings for each other and...here we are.
I probably could have done so many things differently, and I probably fucked up my relationships with both of you, not to mention our friendships but. I do love you both. So much. And I'm sorry for all of this. I just. Don't know what to do anymore.
And...I guess that's all I have to say.
Maybe if we just...I don't know. Talk about everything and be completely honest with each other then we can...figure something out? I don't know.
So. Um. I guess I'll just...start from the beginning.
When I was alive I avoided people in general, but men who seemed interested in me in particular. I always figured that showing interest in shit led to expectations which inevitably led to disappointment. I died when I was eighteen, having never dated anyone or even ever having been kissed.
The first boy I ever kissed was a schizophrenic who could see gravelings. I ended up reaping him less than twenty minutes after we kissed. I also kissed some random dude who worked at the same company I did who was really cute but I got offered a raise to...not hook up with him. So. I didn't.
I met Trip while I was at a country club on a reap. While I was waiting we got to talking and it was only after I'd agreed to see him again that I realized his father was my reap. I saw him again at his father's funeral and we hid under a table from his relatives. He showed up at my house not long after that and we slept together. I never heard from him again. And pretty much closed myself off to shit like that for a long time.
Six years later I ended up here. I never thought that I'd even find friends here, considering that back home I wasn't really allowed to get involved with the living, so being invited to be a part of a crew like the Strawhats was just...more than I could have ever hoped for. I really didn't want or need anything of a romantic nature in my life, but while I may be dead, I still do have a sex drive. I kissed Ace on my birthday because I could and I wanted to.
Usopp was a surprise. I really didn't want to start a relationship with someone, especially someone who was such a close friend, so for a long time I didn't admit to myself or anyone else that I was starting to have real feelings for him. First we were best friends, then "friends who make out sometimes," and then I finally agreed to let him call me his girlfriend once we'd been exclusively seeing each other for a significant amount of time but...I never wanted it to be something so important to either of our lives. I figured I'd get to be with him for a little while and then he could move on and find a nice living girl and grow up and have a family. And then he told me he loved me. I couldn't say it back because I knew that no matter what, adding something like "love" into the equation mean that somewhere along the line somebody was going to get hurt. And I was right. But in the end I didn't want to pass up the opportunity I'd missed in life to be in love so I just kind of...let it happen. Being with Usopp was like getting to be alive again. Like...a second chance at something I just didn't get to do while I was alive. With him I could pretend like that last six years had never happened and I was just a normal teenage girl.
And then there was Lucci. I didn't even talk to him at all for the first few months I was on the ship, but once we started talking...I don't know. Something clicked. We got along so much better than I would have ever thought. I could talk to him about being...well. Being what I am. He even started coming with me on my reaps, so I didn't have to be alone. And not only that, but I was able to help him, too. We just...got closer and closer and after awhile I could tell him anything, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same way. I'd never had a friend like that before, that I could be completely myself with. Usopp made me feel alive again, but Lucci made me feel okay about being dead. He became my best friend. I was always attracted to him (because he's ridiculously good-looking (and he knows it)) but I was content just being friends with him. He even gave me advice about Usopp when we went through a little rough patch. My feelings for Lucci snuck up on me. It was just like...one day I woke up and realized that I was in love with him. And when he told me he loved me too I was just...thrown for a fucking loop.
At first I was sure that Lucci's feelings couldn't be what he said they were. It just didn't make sense to me that he would fall in love with me. I was floored that Usopp fell in love with me too but for some reason Lucci had always seemed so much more...unattainable. I still loved Usopp and was happy with him, but when Lucci told me how serious his feelings for me were I just...couldn't ignore it. I decided to take a break from both of them to clear my head. They both said they wanted what was best for me, what would make me the most happy, but I couldn't choose one over the other, especially knowing that the one that I didn't choose would be heartbroken. How do you break the heart of someone you love? Of your best friend.
Taking a break didn't really work. All three of us were miserable, and I felt like there was this weight on my shoulders all the time. No matter what I did I was going to hurt somebody. Just sitting back and trying to think it through on my own obviously didn't work, so I had to try something different to help me make a decision. I knew what being with Usopp was like but I had no idea of Lucci and I would even work as a couple, so I spent a lot of time with him. We talked things through and I kissed him to see if my feelings were as deep as I thought they were or if I was just building him up to be something that he wasn't. But kissing him was...I don't know. Amazing. I still didn't want to hurt Usopp so I didn't do anything right away, but on New Year's Eve I decided that being with Lucci was something that was...it was important enough to me to at least try. So we tried. It was hard to find time to be together on the ship, especially since I wanted to put off telling Usopp to avoid hurting him, but every second we spent together was...perfect.
I was planning on telling Usopp the other night. Things had just gone too far to not tell him, but he and I spent the day together and it was...it was just like it used to be. Spending time with Usopp is easy and fun and...I missed him. But I felt too guilty lying to him anymore and I told him at least part of the truth about Lucci and me. Just that little bit broke his heart and the look on his face...I just couldn't tell him any more. We were both uncomfortable and we drank too much and...I really don't remember how it happened but I guess we just...acted on our feelings for each other and...here we are.
I probably could have done so many things differently, and I probably fucked up my relationships with both of you, not to mention our friendships but. I do love you both. So much. And I'm sorry for all of this. I just. Don't know what to do anymore.
And...I guess that's all I have to say.