Chapter Thirty-Two -- The Elder Wand
Today's spork is by quinby.
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Chapter Thirty-Two -- The Elder Wand
Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to Final Fantasy Harry Potter. This entire chapter reads, to my eyes at least, like the end of a Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts video game. You have to fight everyone you've already fought again, almost ad nauseum. So, here we go, the remind of everything and everyone who's annoyed us at school before. Or, well, almost everything. *cough*
When we join our antihero, Fred has just been killed. Damnit. Now, this has probably been said by the previous sporker, but, it bears repeating. Why, Jo? Why did you have to kill just one of the twins? It makes no frelling story sense. They're a set. You can't just have one or the other of them. In fact, if you kill one of them, the remaining one is going to hurt worse, because such a large part of him is gone. George shouldn't have to suffer than much. It's not fair to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he drinks himself to death or something. They should have gone out with a bang. Together.
Dead!Fred is dead, but his death is quickly drowned out by Aragorn's Aragog's spider bebes, who have somehow inexplicably joined in the fight. Now, I haven't been reading the rest of the chapters very carefully, but, um, what? Why do we all of a sudden have spiders attacking Hogwarts? If I remember Book Two right, the spiders said that they'd eat anyone who came within eyeshot. If the Death Eaters had penetrated the Pointless Forbidden Forest, they would have been eaten. Not to mention that you can't exactly -convince- man-eating spiders to do anything. If they don't want to go fight, they won't. They'll just eat the food that stupidly wandered in. I would berate Jo for her lack of logic, but I think that's beyond useful now.
After leaving Dead!Fred where a suit of armour used to be, Percy runs off in a cloud of rage, leaving Hermione to pull Ron behind a tapestry. And, in a lovely display of teenage hormone, Harry thinks she's attempting to snog Ron. Huh? I haven't been in a scary lethal battle, but I do know the difference between holding someone back and embracing. After a bit of Hermione and Ron arguing, Harry's brain turns back to his hormones, and he's yet again pining for Ginny. *sigh* Worrying is alright, but sheesh.
Hermione then gives an impassioned, desperate plea to the boys, saying that they're the only ones who can end it. Lovely conceit there, Hermione. You're getting a case of Petra Syndrome. (For the un-initiated, Petra is a character from Ender's Game, who started as one of the few girls in a military environment (and an amazing badass to boot), but changed in subsequent books to a whiny baby-factory.) You think you're the only one who can do anything, but that's the illogic of the wizards for you.
To continue the Ender's Game metaphor, let's look at Harry's connection to Moldy Shorts. In the Enderverse, the more connected two people are, the more connected their souls. Everyone has lauded the connection between Harry and Voldy almost ad nauseum, so it's not a surprise that Harry finds it simple to find Voldy. Here's something else, though. If one logically looks at the connection, Harry should have been able to find the Horcruxes just by looking for the bits of Voldy's soul in them. He has a connection to Voldy thus he has a connection to Voldy's soul. Interesting thought.
Moving on, Harry sees Darth Moldy in the Shack meditating on his wickedness and talking to Alice Lucius Malfoy. It seems that the Git has lost his son. (Oh, la, what a loss.) Malfoy thinks that Voldy should go find Potter himself. Nope. Bad idea. Voldy "knows" that Potter will find him. Instead, Voldy asks Malfoy to go find Snape. Malfoy flees, frightened (Malfoy? Scared? That doesn't exactly fit. He's stared down more. But then again, it's good to see him as an actual human being. Poor boo.)
Zoom out to the Trio in the thick of the battle. Harry explains it all, Hermione's outraged that Voldy's sitting on his ass, and then each of them in turn throw caution to the winds and say they'll go. Two Death Eaters break up the moment, and Hermione comes up with an amazing spell. The battle rages on as the Trio run around under the Cloak. McGonagall has a herd of rampaging desks, Draco gets his ass saved, but gets a bloody nose. Neville comes by with plants, and Professor Trelawney starts doing one of the most useful things shes ever done by throwing crystal balls at Death Eaters. All in all, as battles go, it's rather a lovely description.
However, as things go, it just gets worse. The Spider Swarm is still coming, but Hagrid, oddly true to form runs out to keep people from hurting the spiders. *sigh* Hagrid, seriously. For once, can you -not- be scarily attached to strange animals? The spiders, true to their form, jump on the Large Food Source they're greeted with, and, well, we all know what will likely come of that. To add to the Old Friends Gone Wrong tour, a quite grown-up Grawp comes out of the woods and attacks anything hurting Hagrid. Harry still wants to save Hagrid, everyone realizes that Grawp is actually a giant, and the monster attacking the castle now attacks the giant.
And then, what else would appear, but a pack of Dementors. The trio show their impotence in the face of despair, and are now saved by Luna, Ernie and Seamus. Harry is so caught up in himself that he has to be reminded by Luna how to make a Patronus. Dangit, Harry. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get the damned thing done. You've been training for basically seven years for this moment. Get going. And Jo? Enough with the Trail of Enemies Past. This is starting to feel like a Final Fantasy boss battle where you have to fight everyone you've fought before on your way to the end. (Or, perhaps that's just because I've been playing too much Kingdom Hearts.)
In a sadly misplaced reversal of a previous moment, Ron forgets his magic and longs for Crookshanks. Hermione reminds him that he's a wizard, and Ron floats a twig to stop the tree. Harry hesitates, but is pushed through the (now even smaller!) tunnel by Ron, who comes behind him with Hermione. Scurrying through the tunnel, he emerges out the other end covered in the cloak and eavesdropping.
Snape and Voldy are talking, Snape pleading to find Potter and bring him to the Dark Lord. Then, however, we get to the meat of the matter. Voldy asks Snape why the wand isn't working, and pontificates about how very good he is at magic, and how the wand just isn't doing it for him. *cough* Poor Voldy. He's wand impotent. I really don't want to know what he's like in the sack. Anyway, Voldy goes on and on, in true Dark Lord style wondering what will happen when he meets Potter. Can he kill Potter? Will he be able to perform well... oh, wait. Sorry. Got carried away.
Anyway, Voldy keeps pressing Snape on why the wand isn't doing it for him. He reveals, though, that the wand isn't working because it is actually Snape who should be wielding the wand. Oh. Maybe that's why Dumbles was so insistent that it was Snape who kill him. Snape wasn't going to use the wand. Or, perhaps Dumbles wanted Snape to use the wand. At the very least, Dumbles had to realize that making Snape the master of the wand would be signing the man's death warrant. Lovely man. *disgusted face*
Voldy waves the wand at Nagini's enchanted cage, and she obeys her master, biting Snape. Lacking remorse, (well, duh. The man doesn't know the meaning of the -word-), he puts Nagini back in her cage, and goes off into the battle with a wand that "would now do his full bidding". Wait. If Harry and Voldy are so connected (and Voldy has sensed Harry before), why didn't he know that Harry was around? How could he just walk by and not do anything. A couple possibilities here. First, that he wanted a larger scene when he killed Harry, or second, that he didn't know. I'm putting my money on third: Rowling didn't want it to end here. It would be a bad end, so, well, logic goes out the window again.
After Voldy's gone, Harry and the Trio approach the dying!Snape and in true Video Game style, something's happening to the dying man. A silver memory appears, and Harry catches it in a bottle Hermione conjured. After asking Harry to look at him, he dies.
... anti-climactic if you ask me. The battle being over we go on to the cut scene whatever is in the memory.
That, though, is for other minds than mine.
***
Chapter Thirty-Two -- The Elder Wand
Welcome, Ladies and Gentlemen to Final Fantasy Harry Potter. This entire chapter reads, to my eyes at least, like the end of a Final Fantasy or Kingdom Hearts video game. You have to fight everyone you've already fought again, almost ad nauseum. So, here we go, the remind of everything and everyone who's annoyed us at school before. Or, well, almost everything. *cough*
When we join our antihero, Fred has just been killed. Damnit. Now, this has probably been said by the previous sporker, but, it bears repeating. Why, Jo? Why did you have to kill just one of the twins? It makes no frelling story sense. They're a set. You can't just have one or the other of them. In fact, if you kill one of them, the remaining one is going to hurt worse, because such a large part of him is gone. George shouldn't have to suffer than much. It's not fair to him. I wouldn't be surprised if he drinks himself to death or something. They should have gone out with a bang. Together.
Dead!Fred is dead, but his death is quickly drowned out by Aragorn's Aragog's spider bebes, who have somehow inexplicably joined in the fight. Now, I haven't been reading the rest of the chapters very carefully, but, um, what? Why do we all of a sudden have spiders attacking Hogwarts? If I remember Book Two right, the spiders said that they'd eat anyone who came within eyeshot. If the Death Eaters had penetrated the Pointless Forbidden Forest, they would have been eaten. Not to mention that you can't exactly -convince- man-eating spiders to do anything. If they don't want to go fight, they won't. They'll just eat the food that stupidly wandered in. I would berate Jo for her lack of logic, but I think that's beyond useful now.
After leaving Dead!Fred where a suit of armour used to be, Percy runs off in a cloud of rage, leaving Hermione to pull Ron behind a tapestry. And, in a lovely display of teenage hormone, Harry thinks she's attempting to snog Ron. Huh? I haven't been in a scary lethal battle, but I do know the difference between holding someone back and embracing. After a bit of Hermione and Ron arguing, Harry's brain turns back to his hormones, and he's yet again pining for Ginny. *sigh* Worrying is alright, but sheesh.
Hermione then gives an impassioned, desperate plea to the boys, saying that they're the only ones who can end it. Lovely conceit there, Hermione. You're getting a case of Petra Syndrome. (For the un-initiated, Petra is a character from Ender's Game, who started as one of the few girls in a military environment (and an amazing badass to boot), but changed in subsequent books to a whiny baby-factory.) You think you're the only one who can do anything, but that's the illogic of the wizards for you.
To continue the Ender's Game metaphor, let's look at Harry's connection to Moldy Shorts. In the Enderverse, the more connected two people are, the more connected their souls. Everyone has lauded the connection between Harry and Voldy almost ad nauseum, so it's not a surprise that Harry finds it simple to find Voldy. Here's something else, though. If one logically looks at the connection, Harry should have been able to find the Horcruxes just by looking for the bits of Voldy's soul in them. He has a connection to Voldy thus he has a connection to Voldy's soul. Interesting thought.
Moving on, Harry sees Darth Moldy in the Shack meditating on his wickedness and talking to Alice Lucius Malfoy. It seems that the Git has lost his son. (Oh, la, what a loss.) Malfoy thinks that Voldy should go find Potter himself. Nope. Bad idea. Voldy "knows" that Potter will find him. Instead, Voldy asks Malfoy to go find Snape. Malfoy flees, frightened (Malfoy? Scared? That doesn't exactly fit. He's stared down more. But then again, it's good to see him as an actual human being. Poor boo.)
Zoom out to the Trio in the thick of the battle. Harry explains it all, Hermione's outraged that Voldy's sitting on his ass, and then each of them in turn throw caution to the winds and say they'll go. Two Death Eaters break up the moment, and Hermione comes up with an amazing spell. The battle rages on as the Trio run around under the Cloak. McGonagall has a herd of rampaging desks, Draco gets his ass saved, but gets a bloody nose. Neville comes by with plants, and Professor Trelawney starts doing one of the most useful things shes ever done by throwing crystal balls at Death Eaters. All in all, as battles go, it's rather a lovely description.
However, as things go, it just gets worse. The Spider Swarm is still coming, but Hagrid, oddly true to form runs out to keep people from hurting the spiders. *sigh* Hagrid, seriously. For once, can you -not- be scarily attached to strange animals? The spiders, true to their form, jump on the Large Food Source they're greeted with, and, well, we all know what will likely come of that. To add to the Old Friends Gone Wrong tour, a quite grown-up Grawp comes out of the woods and attacks anything hurting Hagrid. Harry still wants to save Hagrid, everyone realizes that Grawp is actually a giant, and the monster attacking the castle now attacks the giant.
And then, what else would appear, but a pack of Dementors. The trio show their impotence in the face of despair, and are now saved by Luna, Ernie and Seamus. Harry is so caught up in himself that he has to be reminded by Luna how to make a Patronus. Dangit, Harry. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and get the damned thing done. You've been training for basically seven years for this moment. Get going. And Jo? Enough with the Trail of Enemies Past. This is starting to feel like a Final Fantasy boss battle where you have to fight everyone you've fought before on your way to the end. (Or, perhaps that's just because I've been playing too much Kingdom Hearts.)
In a sadly misplaced reversal of a previous moment, Ron forgets his magic and longs for Crookshanks. Hermione reminds him that he's a wizard, and Ron floats a twig to stop the tree. Harry hesitates, but is pushed through the (now even smaller!) tunnel by Ron, who comes behind him with Hermione. Scurrying through the tunnel, he emerges out the other end covered in the cloak and eavesdropping.
Snape and Voldy are talking, Snape pleading to find Potter and bring him to the Dark Lord. Then, however, we get to the meat of the matter. Voldy asks Snape why the wand isn't working, and pontificates about how very good he is at magic, and how the wand just isn't doing it for him. *cough* Poor Voldy. He's wand impotent. I really don't want to know what he's like in the sack. Anyway, Voldy goes on and on, in true Dark Lord style wondering what will happen when he meets Potter. Can he kill Potter? Will he be able to perform well... oh, wait. Sorry. Got carried away.
Anyway, Voldy keeps pressing Snape on why the wand isn't doing it for him. He reveals, though, that the wand isn't working because it is actually Snape who should be wielding the wand. Oh. Maybe that's why Dumbles was so insistent that it was Snape who kill him. Snape wasn't going to use the wand. Or, perhaps Dumbles wanted Snape to use the wand. At the very least, Dumbles had to realize that making Snape the master of the wand would be signing the man's death warrant. Lovely man. *disgusted face*
Voldy waves the wand at Nagini's enchanted cage, and she obeys her master, biting Snape. Lacking remorse, (well, duh. The man doesn't know the meaning of the -word-), he puts Nagini back in her cage, and goes off into the battle with a wand that "would now do his full bidding". Wait. If Harry and Voldy are so connected (and Voldy has sensed Harry before), why didn't he know that Harry was around? How could he just walk by and not do anything. A couple possibilities here. First, that he wanted a larger scene when he killed Harry, or second, that he didn't know. I'm putting my money on third: Rowling didn't want it to end here. It would be a bad end, so, well, logic goes out the window again.
After Voldy's gone, Harry and the Trio approach the dying!Snape and in true Video Game style, something's happening to the dying man. A silver memory appears, and Harry catches it in a bottle Hermione conjured. After asking Harry to look at him, he dies.
... anti-climactic if you ask me. The battle being over we go on to the cut scene whatever is in the memory.
That, though, is for other minds than mine.