A CHILDISH RANT
I am sorry if you guys are forced to read this or something. It's just that I am kinda feeling depressed and I wanna let everything out.
Well I think this is the first time I m gonna be ranting my head off in livejournal. But well whatever.
First off I have become really depressing once again. I have this terrible mood swings and my sister keeps complaining that my face is turning lifeless. I don't know why. I really can't nail on the reason why I am so depressed. Is it due to the new house we shifted to I don't know coz the house is a bit small compared to the previous house. For now the packers haven't moved our furniture and appliances yet. So the house is kinda empty and spacious. But once everything is assembled the house is gonna turn out pretty crowded. My aunt and her family used to be the previous tenants of this house so I have a basic idea of how this house will be when it is fully packed. I am really scared coz I am claustrophobic. I am already finding it a bit suffocating. I don't know what I am gonna do. And my parents never let me go out often, I mean they basically never let me out. How am I gonna face my inner demons, I don't know.
And next, I have been having insomnia from April. My sleep doesn't last long and I am getting physically and mentally drained and tired. It's tough. My mother doesn't understand that I have insomnia. Hell, she doesn't understand what I am going through. I tried explaining to her today morning that I am claustrophobic, but she just asked me not to act too smart. Well I can't blame her. She is just too orthodox and doesn't understand her daughter. So again when it comes to my insomnia, my mother just assumes that I have gone mad.
Then my father. He is good to me unlike before. Due to my education reasons, he didn't talk to me for six years. But he does talk to me now and well does joke a bit. But when he is mad, he just spews venom at me. I know he is just trying to relieve his tension and so I just smile. But I am a human being too. I have feelings too right. It hurts when he does that. Yesterday he bit my head off for no reason. He came home late and I just asked him if I should get his bed ready for him. But he just insults saying that you think I am like you people, I go out and earn. But you all just sleep all day at home. And the stupid reason why he was yelling at me was coz my brother had failed to switch off the air conditioner's stabilizer. Well I just made his bed and let him go to sleep. What else could be done? It hurts seriously all the insults. I am sick and tired.
And my life, I don't know what I have in store. Not that I am bragging but I was a student of one of the world's best universities. I mean my university comes eighth in the world rank. Have you guys heard of Anna University? Well I studied there. My life was hell. I hated engineering. Frankly, I almost died in the university. I nearly took my life twice due to my education. No one except for my sister knows I tried to slit my veins. Luckily, I never did that. For some reason I want to live my life and see what I have in store. Since my education was shit I clearly told my parents that I wont take up a job which I hate. That's why I wanna be a Japanese Translator and Interpreter. My language school teacher praises me a lot and she keeps informing me about job opportunities. But first I need to become fluent in the language. It is not easy. I am good with the language but not good enough. I am just in the first level. I still need to pass two more levels before I consider a career in Japanese. But again I don't know why my father brings up the topic of engineering even when I told him I wont take up an IT job no matter what. He keeps making tantalizing remarks about my studies. Not only him, my mother too. They are just insulting me for being so fond of Japanese. They call me childish goddamit!!! Is loving a language being childish?
I don't want to die due to my problems. I want to live and see what life has in store for me. I want to write more stories. I don't want to give up even if I get caught by my family and force me to quit. I want to go to Japan, read a lot of BL there, some how purchase a ticket for a GazE concert, head bang with the fans and if possible shake hands with Aoi. I want to get a nice big house and decorate it with black walls and silver accessories. I want to get a flat screen television with a home theater and watch Visual-kei PVs 24/7. I want to get a huge book shelf, stuffed with all the novels I am gonna buy for the first time after I get a job. I wanna read all of Aoiha fictions and write a lot of Aoiha porn. I just wanna drown in Aoiha. I want to date a Vampire XD. And I wanna achieve my dream of being a Japanese interpreter. I wanna get a Ph.D in Japanese Literature if possible. Crazy dreams they are but I would be happy if they were fulfilled. My life has been shit so far, but I hope I will find happiness eventually some day.
And I love you all my LJ friends. I think I have been the happiest only in Live Journal compared to every other place. I don't have friends in real life. It's the truth as I was bullied due to my color and looks. But still you all are so sweet to me and make me feel home. I love you all. Hope you all didn't get depressed reading the rubbish I have spewed. Thank you for being there for me and love you all once again.
-Scarlet