i don't know what's going on...
let's see if i can start from the beginning and make sense of any of it. okay.
ryan and i fight all the time. not really "fight" but argue. wait. not argue, Debate. i know there isn't really any difference but to me, when i think of debate, i think of school. ya know, debate club. in my school when i was younger, they had a debate club that would actually debate with other schools about something, usually politics or something really important. now when i think of argue, i think of what my parents used to do when they were mad at each other. Were the kids at school mad at the other schools and did they "argue" hotly over their points? naw...most of the time it was a calmer debate, exchanging points, sometimes getting excited...raise of voice, etc. but never was it an arguement. Now to what i really mean, I LOVE to debate. i like to make sure people know my opinion (opinionated MUCH) and i like to make sure when people aren't correct about something, i correct them. i am a person that doesn't like when people are misinformed. i feel that the u.s. is made up of a lot of stupid people and i may not be the smartest person in the world but i do have a lot of stuff i can offer to the people i know and hang out with, Especially my husband. not only that but i never really talk all that much and i'm usually left out of conversations, i like to chime in with my two-cents even if it means correcting/debating with someone, just to get their attention. weeeeellll, my husband thinks that since i like to make sure we "debate" about things all the time, that we are arguing. we are fighting. he hates to argue. he thinks my correcting and my hmmm... "snobbishness"?? maybe.... isn't a good thing. okay, now i guess i like to debate, i like to state my opinion and i don't care if i come off BITCHY. which i do all the time. i just have this way about me. this way of speaking. i'm not all that nice about it. LOL sorry, it's just how i am. ryan sees this as me being mean to people and doesn't like the way i make people feel. what should i care how people see me? if i hurt their feelings over something silly. i like them to be informed!! i like them knowing what i know! i like them to see the world the way it should be! Ryan doesn't. he thinks that if it's something silly...ie...the light bulb that burnt out was a 75 watt not a 60 watt, i'm going to make sure they know it was a 75 watt!! YES, silly, stupid, pointless to point out, BUT I am sure as hell going to tell them! i'm just really into detail. let's just say i LOVE Paint by Numbers. heh.
anyway, we've been fighting a lot lately. I guess ryan's noticed my debating a lot more recently for some reason. well, he's been noticing my "arguing" a lot lately. which means he thinks we've been fighting a lot lately. he thinks i've been mad at him a lot lately. um, no. i'd so rather be in a fairytale than a reality with him. i want everything perfect. i want him to get all giddy around me ALL the TIME. yeah, i just want everything calm and normal for us. i hate when we fight. so yeah, sorry for being so long-winded about this but there is a lot more.
here's how i've been seeing things. yeah, it's dramatic.
i see ryan being mean to me. i see ryan biting my head off every time i open my mouth. i see ryan not liking being around me. i see ryan wanting to break up with me. hA. he sees it as me being mad at him everytime we debate over something. that i have this edgy irratated feeling towards him. all i can say is nope, not even close. lol everytime i say something, i get this sharp remark back like "i wasn't talking to you" it seems to me that he's been more in tune with what's wrong with me, more in tune with being more irratated with all the little silly things about me he didn't like before but ignored because he loves me. i get the feeling that he doesn't want to be with me anymore therefore is more sensitive about all those things right? that's what i see.
we got into a fight on saturday about me saying something about one of our roommates that i didn't like but he thought was stupid. okay, it was stupid but i wasn't really going to say it to the roommate. one of our friends that is best friends with this roommate made a comment on how he should pay more rent. now this best friend can't stand him and always says things about not liking him and makes fun of him all the time. so when i said yeah! he should pay more rent cuz he's been using the damn washing machine constantly lately! the water bill is gunna go sky high! ryan got pissed and automatically thought i was for real and made this mean comment back to me. yeah i am mad that i'll have to pay more for the water but i'm not going to say anything to him about it. sooo we got into a fight then about everything. i told him how i was feeling, etc. things were okay that day but then the next day..and the day after that, i just have felt that every little thing i do is upsetting ryan. all i can think about is he must not want to be with me. he must have found someone else and just doesn't want to say anything to me about it. he wants to break up...now does he? i don't think so. but that's all i can think of lately. then yesterday, he comes home and gets bitchy about how his wedding ring got caught in something at work and ripped his finger open and bent the ring all to shit. i get upset that he's not going to wear it anymore now cuz of that and he thinks i'm mad at him. he doesn't talk to me much the rest of the night. okay, i got upset cuz to me the wedding ring is something special. it's a symbol of our marriage, our love. he's ALWAYS complained about having to wear it and now is the perfect time to stop? how conveniant(sp?). when i'm thinking he doesn't want to be with me anymore. just one more thing to add to him showing that he wants to leave me. great! yesterday he tells me that since he is on call for work this weekend, he doesn't want to go across town to my parents house for Mother's day. heh, he doesn't want to spend a holiday with me...or my mother. then TODAY, we are talking and he tells me that a friend of OURS says he might just have ONE more ticket for this motocross thing happening this weekend and has invited ryan....um....WTF? no one is thinking about me? my own husband didn't even want to consider that i might be upset over this? no he is thinking that he shouldn't have to spend ALL his time with me. hmm. another thing to add to me thinking that he doesn't want to be with me.
we just talked and i told him for the second time this week, what i was feeling and he again reassured me that he doesn't have anyone else and he has no intentions of leaving me and would never want to. that he still is very much in love with me, etc. etc. but how can i get that stuff out of my head? i guess i could write it all down to get it out? i could vent it all in my journal and maybe reread it to show myself that i'm just being silly? i guess that's just what i'll have to do. hmm!
Edit: what is funny is i am now watching that Oprah episode that Sarah mentioned in her journal yesterday. heh. weird....makes me cry a little. makes me wonder.
ryan and i fight all the time. not really "fight" but argue. wait. not argue, Debate. i know there isn't really any difference but to me, when i think of debate, i think of school. ya know, debate club. in my school when i was younger, they had a debate club that would actually debate with other schools about something, usually politics or something really important. now when i think of argue, i think of what my parents used to do when they were mad at each other. Were the kids at school mad at the other schools and did they "argue" hotly over their points? naw...most of the time it was a calmer debate, exchanging points, sometimes getting excited...raise of voice, etc. but never was it an arguement. Now to what i really mean, I LOVE to debate. i like to make sure people know my opinion (opinionated MUCH) and i like to make sure when people aren't correct about something, i correct them. i am a person that doesn't like when people are misinformed. i feel that the u.s. is made up of a lot of stupid people and i may not be the smartest person in the world but i do have a lot of stuff i can offer to the people i know and hang out with, Especially my husband. not only that but i never really talk all that much and i'm usually left out of conversations, i like to chime in with my two-cents even if it means correcting/debating with someone, just to get their attention. weeeeellll, my husband thinks that since i like to make sure we "debate" about things all the time, that we are arguing. we are fighting. he hates to argue. he thinks my correcting and my hmmm... "snobbishness"?? maybe.... isn't a good thing. okay, now i guess i like to debate, i like to state my opinion and i don't care if i come off BITCHY. which i do all the time. i just have this way about me. this way of speaking. i'm not all that nice about it. LOL sorry, it's just how i am. ryan sees this as me being mean to people and doesn't like the way i make people feel. what should i care how people see me? if i hurt their feelings over something silly. i like them to be informed!! i like them knowing what i know! i like them to see the world the way it should be! Ryan doesn't. he thinks that if it's something silly...ie...the light bulb that burnt out was a 75 watt not a 60 watt, i'm going to make sure they know it was a 75 watt!! YES, silly, stupid, pointless to point out, BUT I am sure as hell going to tell them! i'm just really into detail. let's just say i LOVE Paint by Numbers. heh.
anyway, we've been fighting a lot lately. I guess ryan's noticed my debating a lot more recently for some reason. well, he's been noticing my "arguing" a lot lately. which means he thinks we've been fighting a lot lately. he thinks i've been mad at him a lot lately. um, no. i'd so rather be in a fairytale than a reality with him. i want everything perfect. i want him to get all giddy around me ALL the TIME. yeah, i just want everything calm and normal for us. i hate when we fight. so yeah, sorry for being so long-winded about this but there is a lot more.
here's how i've been seeing things. yeah, it's dramatic.
i see ryan being mean to me. i see ryan biting my head off every time i open my mouth. i see ryan not liking being around me. i see ryan wanting to break up with me. hA. he sees it as me being mad at him everytime we debate over something. that i have this edgy irratated feeling towards him. all i can say is nope, not even close. lol everytime i say something, i get this sharp remark back like "i wasn't talking to you" it seems to me that he's been more in tune with what's wrong with me, more in tune with being more irratated with all the little silly things about me he didn't like before but ignored because he loves me. i get the feeling that he doesn't want to be with me anymore therefore is more sensitive about all those things right? that's what i see.
we got into a fight on saturday about me saying something about one of our roommates that i didn't like but he thought was stupid. okay, it was stupid but i wasn't really going to say it to the roommate. one of our friends that is best friends with this roommate made a comment on how he should pay more rent. now this best friend can't stand him and always says things about not liking him and makes fun of him all the time. so when i said yeah! he should pay more rent cuz he's been using the damn washing machine constantly lately! the water bill is gunna go sky high! ryan got pissed and automatically thought i was for real and made this mean comment back to me. yeah i am mad that i'll have to pay more for the water but i'm not going to say anything to him about it. sooo we got into a fight then about everything. i told him how i was feeling, etc. things were okay that day but then the next day..and the day after that, i just have felt that every little thing i do is upsetting ryan. all i can think about is he must not want to be with me. he must have found someone else and just doesn't want to say anything to me about it. he wants to break up...now does he? i don't think so. but that's all i can think of lately. then yesterday, he comes home and gets bitchy about how his wedding ring got caught in something at work and ripped his finger open and bent the ring all to shit. i get upset that he's not going to wear it anymore now cuz of that and he thinks i'm mad at him. he doesn't talk to me much the rest of the night. okay, i got upset cuz to me the wedding ring is something special. it's a symbol of our marriage, our love. he's ALWAYS complained about having to wear it and now is the perfect time to stop? how conveniant(sp?). when i'm thinking he doesn't want to be with me anymore. just one more thing to add to him showing that he wants to leave me. great! yesterday he tells me that since he is on call for work this weekend, he doesn't want to go across town to my parents house for Mother's day. heh, he doesn't want to spend a holiday with me...or my mother. then TODAY, we are talking and he tells me that a friend of OURS says he might just have ONE more ticket for this motocross thing happening this weekend and has invited ryan....um....WTF? no one is thinking about me? my own husband didn't even want to consider that i might be upset over this? no he is thinking that he shouldn't have to spend ALL his time with me. hmm. another thing to add to me thinking that he doesn't want to be with me.
we just talked and i told him for the second time this week, what i was feeling and he again reassured me that he doesn't have anyone else and he has no intentions of leaving me and would never want to. that he still is very much in love with me, etc. etc. but how can i get that stuff out of my head? i guess i could write it all down to get it out? i could vent it all in my journal and maybe reread it to show myself that i'm just being silly? i guess that's just what i'll have to do. hmm!
Edit: what is funny is i am now watching that Oprah episode that Sarah mentioned in her journal yesterday. heh. weird....makes me cry a little. makes me wonder.