[fic] Happy Birthday for jessiekit
Gift type: Fanfic
Title: Happy Birthday
Author: kiray1991
Recipient: Jessiekit
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5000
Warnings: a little angsty, a lot of fluff
Spoilers: Some up to... season 4/5 perhaps?
Summary: Dean and Sam are separated after a hunt. Dean hates himself for being worried although he's pissed. When he falls asleep his usual nightmares outrun him. Then Cas is there, and he knows.
Author notes: English is not my mother tongue, but I had a very nice beta and hopefully everything is okay now :)
When Dean slammed the door shut, it didn't really help to get his anger under control. Still it felt good, made him feel strong and especially powerful. Not at all like it was most of the time with Sam, because this stubborn little child kept bitching about problems that weren't really there; at least not for Dean. For Sam of course, whose sense of self changed almost daily in a range that Dean was totally certain his brain didn't even have, (like from content and self confident to absolutely insecure and being convinced, that he was a freak), those problems were right there.
Really?
Sometimes Dean felt like living with a woman who would have her monthlies as an excuse. But Sam wasn't a girl, dammit, however much he behaved like one.
Dean angrily threw his bag next to the single bed and scanned the room. At least he had found a motel that seemed comfortable. With a sigh, the hunter removed his jacket, dropping down on the bed. With his feet still touching the floor, he laid down on the mattress and closed his eyes. The worst thing about all this was Dean felt guilty. Again. Why did he always do that?
Sam really deserved his anger this time, but as Dean always did, he searched for the failure in himself. And he was stupid enough to worry about Sam.
Sometimes he hated being the big brother. It wasn't completely their father's fault that he felt responsible for Sammy in every possible way. It's just what a big brother does; keeping an eye on the younger one. And even if some people weren't able to realize this, brotherly love was deep and nothing you can hold off, when you don't need it.
So when Dean opened his eyes to look out of the window and realized that the first snow of the year was falling from the sky, he actually wondered if Sam had his winter jacket. He made a gruff sound of protest, picking himself up again to try getting the usual old and simple coffee maker to work. At least there wouldn't be any Starbucks today. Sam loved that stuff but Dean always asked himself how they could make getting a cup of coffee so complicated.
While he filled with water and some cheap coffee powder, his thoughts drifted back to what had happened some hours ago. No, it had probably started even earlier. Yesterday or the day before when Sam's mood turned weird and exhausted for Dean. Until they had met the spirit that caused their fight the older brother hadn't been able to find out why Sam had been acting oversensitive.
The younger one had double-checked every detail that probably hadn't even been important for their investigation. He had nipped Dean's attempts of speaking to him in the bud and buried himself in books and the internet instead. And if this wasn't weird enough, Sam hadn't been himself when they were finally tracing the monster: The spirit of an actress who appeared as an elf, which had been her most successful leading role. She had visited lonely men, telling them to come with her into the woods to rip their throats open. The atmosphere was at least homelike for her, since elves preferably lived in forests. A detail Sam had dug up.
Her grave had been a bitch to find and when they finally had her body, or what was left of it, displayed in front of them, she appeared, as the beautiful woman she had been once and Dean had finally realized how she looked like Jess. Still they had burned the bones, but not without Dean getting thrown against another gravestone -again-, and she had burst into flames.
Dean sighed. He wasn't good at all when it came to chick-flick stuff, but he still understood this hadn't been easy for Sam. He had tried to talk to him, then tried to be quiet, so he figured Sam could start talking whenever he wanted but nothing had happened. And when Dean had left the gas station, they had stopped off at on the way to the hotel, Sam had been gone. Just vanished without a word.
So yes Dean was pissed. Even if he wasn't honest enough to himself to see it, deep down he knew he was pissed at himself for not looking out for Sam. He always got stressed whenever he couldn't make sure to protect his brother.
At least he had found a little piece of paper with some words, that Sam needed „some time off“. Dean would've normally laughed at that, because this was SO Hollywood, but he couldn't. He worried and it sucked.
There wasn't much he could do now besides wait for the princess to calm down. He had sent Sam a message with the motel he checked and wait.
Dean prepared himself for an evening full of thin coffee and bad movies. There was Something almost heavenly normal about this, which gave the hunter a small comforting feeling of being at home. Of course he never had had a real home but perhaps this was the reason why he could get those feelings even here.
Some hours later Dean had fallen asleep on the bed, while the TV still streamed some bad but sweet old Christmas movie. With Sam, he would've never watched this and when his younger brother would've actually entered the room and woken Dean up, he probably would've pretended the movie had begun while he was asleep. But he kinda liked it. Especially when Christmas wasn't far anymore. They had had Christmas evenings full of man-eating Santas and other weird creatures, but still Dean secretly loved this time of the year. There was candy and snow and it got cozy inside and yes, sometimes he wished for a place, where they could celebrate the holidays properly. Even if their lives weren't really made for it.
Nevertheless in his dreams they had the chance.
He found himself in the middle of a room that could've been the living room from the movie but he didn't really care. There was everything prepared, he smelledChristmas cookies on the table and heard someone was in the kitchen, working on dinner. Candles and some chains of lights around the Christmas tree and along the windows enlightened the scene. He felt completely home.
When a deep and somehow raspy voice came from the open door that seemed to lead into the kitchen, Dean shivered. A small smile appeared on his lips as he closed his eyes, enjoying for a moment the warmth that spread inside of his body.
“Dean, really? Stop daydreaming! There is so much left to do, not all the presents are wrapped yet and you know that your brother's never late!“ Castiel appeared in the door frame, affectionately smiling at the hunter.
“I'm sorry, I'll do it in a minute.“ His own voice sounded low and calm. No sign of the usual stress and tension in it. In his dream it wasn't weird, that he lived here with Cas. Slowly he walked up to the other man, leaning into his personal space and fondly kissing him on his forehead, before nipping at his lips.
“You taste like Christmas.“ he heard himself saying and they both laughed at that.
“Yeah, I know you love food.“ The angel mumbled, kissing Dean carefully again. The hunter couldn't process this situation but he felt unbelievably perfect, loved,and needed. He smiled against Castiel's lips, then backed off and turned to the Christmas tree again. He wanted to take care of the presents that were left, when somehow the atmosphere changed in seconds. The loving warmth yielded to harsh coldness and the dancing light of the candles transformed into a dangerous mixture of blood and fire.
Dean felt his own skin freezing and burning at the same time and when he blinked to make those pictures disappear he lost the ground beneath his feet.
There he was again.
Hell.
Hooks were driven through his skin and shoulder blades. There was heat. And hurt. And he couldn't close his eyes against the hate surrounding him.
Demons are ugly. But not just that. They're frightening when you can finally see their real form, they're horrible, awful and disgusting. And he couldn't look away;they were everywhere.
There was pain. He heard screams and wasn't sure anymore if they were his own. The metal piercing his wrists and hips and feet wounded him with every movement and somehow he was always moving, even if he tried to be still.
He screamed again. And again. And again. He felt so lost and abandoned, he couldn't find words for it. There was nothing left of what he had felt before, not even memories. There was just this one feeling throbbing in his head. The pain was his new pulse.
There was blood everywhere and when they finally loosened his bonds he fell, smashing against the ground. He lay there, knowing that they would come again and ask him to torture. He didn't want to do it. He didn't. But each time he said no, they would rip his chest apart, gather his innards and rip them out of him. They didn't know mercy, they actually had fun, doing what they did. He felt it and he saw it, when he looked at their faces, grimacing at him.
Sometimes he asked himself if they once had been human like he was one, but then he didn't want to know the answer. He heard them coming. Heard their steps and voices and somehow he knew that this time he would fail.
The next second there was light everywhere. Just pure light and Dean didn't even see himself anymore. He was blinded but so grateful, when he felt his wounds healing quickly.
He lay still. He didn't want to move in case it could bring him back, but somehow there was this comforting voice, mumbling words in a language that Dean had never heard before. He didn't understand it but it sounded like a chant. He felt his body relaxing, felt how he somehow longed to get closer to this voice even if it surrounded him. It soothed him, caressed him and when he grabbed some fabric that suspiciously felt like Castiel's trenchcoat he smiled, taking it as a cushion.
His mind got to rest, and Cas who was - in the real world - sitting right next to him now, didn't move his palm away, still feeling Dean's forehead against his hand. He didn't stop to 'mojo' as the hunter would say, until the human began to wake up in the morning. But even then he whispered in Enochian, soothing Dean's wounded and scarred soul with his own light, warmth, and presence.
It took Dean several minutes to actually open his eyes and become aware of the world around him. Normally he woke up fast, always prepared to protect himself, if someone or something jumped him or Sam, but this night he had slept deeper than probably the last few months together. The supernatural cause to his good sleep, still sat on the mattress, slightly pressing the fingers of his right hand on the human's forehead and hair.
Only when the hunter started moving, Castiel withdrew his hand, right before the younger man would've slapped it away. At least Dean prayed that Cas wasn't actually able to see all his dreams, and that he could still look annoyed enough to escape this “just a little too close“-situation. So he kept telling himself, that he would've slapped it away anyway... and that he didn't miss it now.
“Good morning, Dean.“ Castiel's voice was low and somehow it didn't feel as serious as it normally did.
“What exactly are you doing in my bed?“ Dean snapped, still trying to pretend that he had full control in here.
“You had a nightmare last night. I felt your fear and I couldn't ignore it. I know you don't like other people than Sam or yourself being in here, but... since your soul didn't flinch when I came. I thought it was okay.“
“You felt my... fear?“ In Castiel's words he found more than one paradox. First, he didn't fear. Second, even if he did, Cas shouldn't be able to actually FEEL it. Third, what the hell did he mean with 'your soul didn't flinch?’
The angel just nodded in his typical manner. “Besides you screamed.“
It still made Castiel wonder, how Dean couldn't realize what he was doing at night. Sleep was something very fascinating, something Cas never really experienced, just sampled through the other one. Nevertheless while the angel found all of this interesting and he loved being able to rush down to earth to help, Dean didn't like it.
The hunter tried to ignore the fact, that he remembered every bit of his dreams, but was so helpless at night. There had been months of him going through hell over and over again and normally he woke up screaming, or crying, or suffocating.
He never realized that Cas could've helped him, perhaps even that he did. Perhaps everything would've been even harder, if Cas hadn't been there. The hunter sighed deeply, picking himself up slowly then going to the bathroom, without looking at Castiel. He was confused and felt lost in too many questions to process in the early morning.
“What time is it?“
“About 1pm“, Cas smiled and laughed a bit when Dean made a surprised sound around his toothbrush.
“Like, really?“, he muffled and the angel nodded again. “Fuck... I should've called Sam already.“
Yes, he couldn't stop being the big brother.
“Your brother slept two blocks from here and he got your messages. He's still annoyed, but he will start to feel better.“ Even if he trusted Cas, this didn't count. So Dean picked up the phone causing Cas to wonder again how humans could be so complicated.
Of course the angel had been right. Sam didn't actually answer the phone, but he changed his voice mail to something like, “Dean, stop worrying, I'll live, just gimme some time, Jerk.“
Since Sam calling him a Jerk was a good sign Dean could finally relax a little, reassured that his baby brother felt better. He was surprised that Castiel stayed but he enjoyed the company. He still couldn't stop thinking about this soul-bonding stuff. If he remembered it correctly, Cas once said, they shared a bond. Did this mean, he could actually feel everything Dean felt? Could he... somehow look into him? Should he be afraid, or feel secure?
It puzzled him that the angel sat beside him on the couch, his tie loosened a bit, watching trashy daylight television with him. Cas even smiled.
“When you said, you felt my fear... what did you mean by that?“
The angel muffled a little laugh, before he turned to Dean. He knew that the hunter needed time before he could start talking. It didn't matter about which topic Dean spoke, he normally spent multiple hours on thinking everything through first. But somehow curiosity won this time. Nonetheless Castiel had seen Dean's dreams, multiple times now, and even if they startled him at first he had developed the urge to lead the hunter into the right direction, because yes, he wanted this too. Since Dean taught him how to love, he never got rid of the human in his head and heart.
Perhaps the part of his grace that still entwined Dean's soul was one of the reasons, why they longed for each other. But there was more, Cas knew this now and he was too fond of these new feelings to ignore them.
“I just felt it, we share a bond, I told you this already,“ he nodded firmly and observed the reaction carefully. “So when you cried out I came to soothe your soul and calm your dreams.“
“Did you see any of it? … Like... you know what I was dreaming about?“
The angel felt the tension building up in the air, even if he normally didn't get such things. This time it was different. “When your soul threw itself at me I got many pictures and thoughts, yes. I can't settle all of them, there are too many.“
“But you saw hell?“
“This wasn't the first time in hell for me, Dean.“
The hunter nodded and didn't really dare to ask any further. Of course he wanted to know if Cas also seen the dream he had before he switched to hell... but perhaps the angel hadn't paid attention and would search through Dean's thoughts if he mentioned it. He wasn't even sure if he wanted Cas to know or not. He couldn't evaluate the angel's reaction and he still felt small and unworthy of the attention the older one offered him. And he didn't even know what he wanted for himself. He felt bad now thinking about all the other times he dreamt about Cas, sometimes he would even daydream. Still he always ignored it.
How could there be the right time for a change now? Why would he think about it differently? What would be the change exactly? Would he... leave?
The thought of Cas leaving made his heart shiver and twitch. He had always concluded that there would be a time, when Cas would go back to heaven and stay. Dean had feared that moment for long and he knew that if he really called upon all his courage now and was honest to himself, it would change everything. It could cause even more pain, than he had already bottled up inside of him.
“I won't leave you.“, Castiel's raspy voice disrupted the hunter's inner monologue on fear and loneliness. “I would never be able to do so...“
There were minutes of silence between them. They were looking at each other and Dean wondered again, how Cas was able to understand him the way he did. He didn't really deserve someone like this. He triggered the apocalypse in Hell, he tortured souls and had fun doing it. He was a monster and normally he would've hunted himself down.
But when he had thought that there was no way to go on, Cas had changed, become more human, stopped being the total soldier and caught Dean.
“You knew that I wasn't talking about the dream of hell, didn't you?“ There was a sudden certainty in Dean's words and Cas just nodded slightly again.
They fell silent again and the hunter lost himself in those big blue eyes. Without realizing what he was doing, he moved closer to the angel, laying his hands on Castiel's shoulders, pushing him back, down on the cushions. Cas didn't struggle, instead he slid beneath Dean as if they were designed for this.
Slowly the hunter leant down, nudging their noses together. He felt Cas' breath ghosting over his lips and smiled. When he kissed him for the first time, his eyes fell shut and a new world opened up in front of him. Suddenly there were butterflies in his tummy and his heart started melting.
They kissed longingly but tender and when they finally broke the kiss to get some air, Dean opened his lids again. He couldn't believe what was happening here, but he didn't want to. He feared the feeling could go away as soon as he understood. Cas just smiled at him knowingly.
“So you really want to celebrate a 'real' Christmas, with me?“, the angel asked quietly and Dean looked away, just to make sure, he wasn't blushing. He was Dean Winchester and he didn't do blushing.
“It's childish and it was just a dream, Cas“, the human defended himself.
Still, Castiel promised himself silently that he would give Dean everything he wanted. The “Righteous Man“ had always given everything and the angel admired Dean for doing so. Even if the hunter didn't understand him, to him Dean was precious and wonderful and he wanted to see him happy. So he would've to talk to Sam to arrange a real Christmas, like those actors in the TV.
But at the moment, Christmas was still far away. The hunter himself was more important than any plans. The hunter who kissed him again now and showed Cas, how special and exciting humans could be. Even if they were really complicated.
Dean had already lost himself in Castiel's skin and scent. He couldn't stop nipping at his lips, kissing his chin and slightly licking at his jaw. One of his hands was buried in the other man's hair, tugging carefully, teasing Cas. Even if the hunter considered himself an expert when it came to sex, this was different.
It felt like the first time.
His second hand searched Castiel's hips and started stroking through the thin fabric of the angel's shirt. Just a moment later he stopped again, reaching for the buttons. Carefully he opened them, touching the older one's chest not completely by accident, whenever he could. He had been waiting for this and it felt surrealand overwhelming now. A small smile curved his lips, while he observed the skin that came to his view and when he looked up he saw Cas smiling too.
The angel reached out for him, tenderly pulling him down so they could kiss again. While their lips were still playing Dean felt his own shirt being shoved up and he broke their touch to get rid of it. He laid down again, nestling up against the other body, feeling Cas' heartbeat against his chest. He laughed a little, nipping at the angel's bottom lip, when he felt how ridiculously insecure he was. As if the older one knew it, he stroked the hunter's head.
It was as if Cas just wanted to give Dean some time to let off steam, before he wanted to take the lead. Of course the human was the experienced one in here, but still the angel felt how Deans soul shivered beneath the presence of his grace. Only seconds later, he grabbed the hunter by his hips and neck and changed their positions. He could see the surprise in Dean's eyes but just smiled a little. He leant down again longing for a kiss, bringing their hips together at the same time. The gasp that escaped the human's lips, made him chuckle a little. It was obvious how Dean had thought, that just because Cas seemed to be a virgin, he would actually be shy.
“Don't underestimate me Dean. Ever.“ There was a demanding sound to those words, that made the hunter shiver again. Subconsciously he pressed his hips against the angel, closing his eyes.
“You should stop worrying about what I want or don't want to do,“ the angel mumbled against the hunter's jaw. “I'm so many years older than you, I know what I want.“ His voice became even more raspy, at least Dean had the feeling, and then he nipped at the human's earlobe.
Dean shivered again, his hands searched for the angel's shoulders to take away the tie and shirt. He felt the heat building up inside of him as soon as the fabric fell to the ground next to the couch and sighed deeply when Castiel's lips started to indulge his skin.
“Don't stop“, he pleaded quietly and couldn't remember he ever did this before. He stroked through the angel's hair, almost holding on to it to make sure he wouldn't go away. The older one's presence made him feel secure, loved and protected. While the angel was still kissing his throat and neck, Dean spread his legs just enough to make the other one fall between them. Immediately they both breathed harder and the human opened his eyes again to glare at Cas teasingly.
“You knew I wanted this?“, he asked and let his head fall back, when the angel started moving his hips against him.
“Yes I did.“, the older one answered, before he conquered Dean's lips again. Their hips pressed against each other in unison and Dean couldn't stop himself from moaning quietly. His whole body seemed to shiver and long for the angel. For a second he wondered if this was because of their bond, but then he stopped paying attention to the question as his gaze fell on Cas. The angel seemed to be at least as overwhelmed as Dean felt. He had closed his eyes and rolled his hips against the human in pleasure and endearment. But what really got the hunter's attention was that the air behind Castiel seemed to flicker. Not only that he looked unbelievably beautiful like this, lost in new sensations and his longing for Dean, something the human had never been able to see before, appeared and vanished constantly. Panting Dean concentrated on the glimmer, before he gathered his courage, moving his hands further down on the angel's back. He sensed what he could possibly see there and only the thought made him shiver and gasp again. As soon as he reached the soft skin between Castiel's shoulders the angel's eyes flew open in surprise.
“What...? Ahh...“, Cas couldn't stop the moaning that fell from his lips, when Dean grabbed the base of his wings with both of his hands. The angel's started trembling in seconds while the hunter was still amazed by the view that opened up in front of him. It was the first time he ever really saw Cas' wings and he never expected to be able to touch them. The small feathers between his fingers felt indescribably soft and every movement seemed to send small jolts of pleasure and something like electricity through the human's body. He just carefully moved his fingers but felt and saw Cas breaking down on him in seconds.
“Oh Dean… don't … I … oh...oh my god...“, Dean heard the babbling and couldn't quite understand what was happening. But he understood that he could give the angel pleasure like this and smiled triumphantly. He had never seen Cas so weak and felt better then he would've expected just by knowing that the angel trusted him enough to let himself go like that. Besides he didn't want to let go of those feathers either.
Carefully he traced the form of the fragile bones covered with thin skin and feathers with his fingers, massaging the fluffy part and feeling Cas trembling against him. The angel had his face buried in Dean's neck and was panting harshly, helplessly rutting against the younger man. Dean groaned when he felt Cas reaching between their bodies, ripping their trousers away recklessly. Shorts to shorts the hunter felt the angel's erection, pressing against his own. He started rolling his hips against the sensation spreading inside of him, unable to stop looking at the wings. His fingers erratically stroked through the soft plumage before wandering along the longer and stronger white feathers, that were glistening in surreal colors that Dean had never seen before. They were beautiful.
He moaned when Cas bit down on his throat, withdrew one of his hands from the feathers and instead grabbed the angels ass to bring them even closer. They both groaned and Cas seemed to regain a little control to move against Dean more coordinated manner.
Their lips met for seconds before they had to break away for air again. The room was filled with harsh panting and quiet pleading before Cas spread out his wings, bringing Deans second hand to the base of his shoulder blades again.
“Dean...“, the name was a question, a pleading and an answer at the same time. They moved faster and harder before the hunter lost the fight to make time stand still and felt his orgasm being ripped from his body. He held onto Castiel's body and wings and the angel only needed a few more thrusts along Deans now wet shorts, before he came too.
They lay together panting and Dean felt the wings vanishing from between his fingers. A smile formed on his lips he stroked the skin where they had been, while his other hand started caressing the angel's neck.
“I love you...“, Dean quietly mumbled, somehow really meaning it.
Cas only smiled. “I love you too.“
They both knew that it was true.
***
Some weeks later, on Christmas morning, Dean woke up to quiet curses. When he opened his eyes he saw Sam and Cas trying to arrange a Christmas tree and couldn't stop the warmth spreading inside of him. He thought about the small presents he got for both of them and of them doing this for him. It made him feel more loved than he ever had before. Still he was the older brother and the lover who always was in control, so he sat up, snapping: "What do you think you're doing you're destroying the whole room!“ But he smiled and they did too.
Thank you, Dean thought, Thank you Lord, in which I don't believe for sending me an angel.... and Happy Birthday.
Title: Happy Birthday
Author: kiray1991
Recipient: Jessiekit
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 5000
Warnings: a little angsty, a lot of fluff
Spoilers: Some up to... season 4/5 perhaps?
Summary: Dean and Sam are separated after a hunt. Dean hates himself for being worried although he's pissed. When he falls asleep his usual nightmares outrun him. Then Cas is there, and he knows.
Author notes: English is not my mother tongue, but I had a very nice beta and hopefully everything is okay now :)
When Dean slammed the door shut, it didn't really help to get his anger under control. Still it felt good, made him feel strong and especially powerful. Not at all like it was most of the time with Sam, because this stubborn little child kept bitching about problems that weren't really there; at least not for Dean. For Sam of course, whose sense of self changed almost daily in a range that Dean was totally certain his brain didn't even have, (like from content and self confident to absolutely insecure and being convinced, that he was a freak), those problems were right there.
Really?
Sometimes Dean felt like living with a woman who would have her monthlies as an excuse. But Sam wasn't a girl, dammit, however much he behaved like one.
Dean angrily threw his bag next to the single bed and scanned the room. At least he had found a motel that seemed comfortable. With a sigh, the hunter removed his jacket, dropping down on the bed. With his feet still touching the floor, he laid down on the mattress and closed his eyes. The worst thing about all this was Dean felt guilty. Again. Why did he always do that?
Sam really deserved his anger this time, but as Dean always did, he searched for the failure in himself. And he was stupid enough to worry about Sam.
Sometimes he hated being the big brother. It wasn't completely their father's fault that he felt responsible for Sammy in every possible way. It's just what a big brother does; keeping an eye on the younger one. And even if some people weren't able to realize this, brotherly love was deep and nothing you can hold off, when you don't need it.
So when Dean opened his eyes to look out of the window and realized that the first snow of the year was falling from the sky, he actually wondered if Sam had his winter jacket. He made a gruff sound of protest, picking himself up again to try getting the usual old and simple coffee maker to work. At least there wouldn't be any Starbucks today. Sam loved that stuff but Dean always asked himself how they could make getting a cup of coffee so complicated.
While he filled with water and some cheap coffee powder, his thoughts drifted back to what had happened some hours ago. No, it had probably started even earlier. Yesterday or the day before when Sam's mood turned weird and exhausted for Dean. Until they had met the spirit that caused their fight the older brother hadn't been able to find out why Sam had been acting oversensitive.
The younger one had double-checked every detail that probably hadn't even been important for their investigation. He had nipped Dean's attempts of speaking to him in the bud and buried himself in books and the internet instead. And if this wasn't weird enough, Sam hadn't been himself when they were finally tracing the monster: The spirit of an actress who appeared as an elf, which had been her most successful leading role. She had visited lonely men, telling them to come with her into the woods to rip their throats open. The atmosphere was at least homelike for her, since elves preferably lived in forests. A detail Sam had dug up.
Her grave had been a bitch to find and when they finally had her body, or what was left of it, displayed in front of them, she appeared, as the beautiful woman she had been once and Dean had finally realized how she looked like Jess. Still they had burned the bones, but not without Dean getting thrown against another gravestone -again-, and she had burst into flames.
Dean sighed. He wasn't good at all when it came to chick-flick stuff, but he still understood this hadn't been easy for Sam. He had tried to talk to him, then tried to be quiet, so he figured Sam could start talking whenever he wanted but nothing had happened. And when Dean had left the gas station, they had stopped off at on the way to the hotel, Sam had been gone. Just vanished without a word.
So yes Dean was pissed. Even if he wasn't honest enough to himself to see it, deep down he knew he was pissed at himself for not looking out for Sam. He always got stressed whenever he couldn't make sure to protect his brother.
At least he had found a little piece of paper with some words, that Sam needed „some time off“. Dean would've normally laughed at that, because this was SO Hollywood, but he couldn't. He worried and it sucked.
There wasn't much he could do now besides wait for the princess to calm down. He had sent Sam a message with the motel he checked and wait.
Dean prepared himself for an evening full of thin coffee and bad movies. There was Something almost heavenly normal about this, which gave the hunter a small comforting feeling of being at home. Of course he never had had a real home but perhaps this was the reason why he could get those feelings even here.
Some hours later Dean had fallen asleep on the bed, while the TV still streamed some bad but sweet old Christmas movie. With Sam, he would've never watched this and when his younger brother would've actually entered the room and woken Dean up, he probably would've pretended the movie had begun while he was asleep. But he kinda liked it. Especially when Christmas wasn't far anymore. They had had Christmas evenings full of man-eating Santas and other weird creatures, but still Dean secretly loved this time of the year. There was candy and snow and it got cozy inside and yes, sometimes he wished for a place, where they could celebrate the holidays properly. Even if their lives weren't really made for it.
Nevertheless in his dreams they had the chance.
He found himself in the middle of a room that could've been the living room from the movie but he didn't really care. There was everything prepared, he smelledChristmas cookies on the table and heard someone was in the kitchen, working on dinner. Candles and some chains of lights around the Christmas tree and along the windows enlightened the scene. He felt completely home.
When a deep and somehow raspy voice came from the open door that seemed to lead into the kitchen, Dean shivered. A small smile appeared on his lips as he closed his eyes, enjoying for a moment the warmth that spread inside of his body.
“Dean, really? Stop daydreaming! There is so much left to do, not all the presents are wrapped yet and you know that your brother's never late!“ Castiel appeared in the door frame, affectionately smiling at the hunter.
“I'm sorry, I'll do it in a minute.“ His own voice sounded low and calm. No sign of the usual stress and tension in it. In his dream it wasn't weird, that he lived here with Cas. Slowly he walked up to the other man, leaning into his personal space and fondly kissing him on his forehead, before nipping at his lips.
“You taste like Christmas.“ he heard himself saying and they both laughed at that.
“Yeah, I know you love food.“ The angel mumbled, kissing Dean carefully again. The hunter couldn't process this situation but he felt unbelievably perfect, loved,and needed. He smiled against Castiel's lips, then backed off and turned to the Christmas tree again. He wanted to take care of the presents that were left, when somehow the atmosphere changed in seconds. The loving warmth yielded to harsh coldness and the dancing light of the candles transformed into a dangerous mixture of blood and fire.
Dean felt his own skin freezing and burning at the same time and when he blinked to make those pictures disappear he lost the ground beneath his feet.
There he was again.
Hell.
Hooks were driven through his skin and shoulder blades. There was heat. And hurt. And he couldn't close his eyes against the hate surrounding him.
Demons are ugly. But not just that. They're frightening when you can finally see their real form, they're horrible, awful and disgusting. And he couldn't look away;they were everywhere.
There was pain. He heard screams and wasn't sure anymore if they were his own. The metal piercing his wrists and hips and feet wounded him with every movement and somehow he was always moving, even if he tried to be still.
He screamed again. And again. And again. He felt so lost and abandoned, he couldn't find words for it. There was nothing left of what he had felt before, not even memories. There was just this one feeling throbbing in his head. The pain was his new pulse.
There was blood everywhere and when they finally loosened his bonds he fell, smashing against the ground. He lay there, knowing that they would come again and ask him to torture. He didn't want to do it. He didn't. But each time he said no, they would rip his chest apart, gather his innards and rip them out of him. They didn't know mercy, they actually had fun, doing what they did. He felt it and he saw it, when he looked at their faces, grimacing at him.
Sometimes he asked himself if they once had been human like he was one, but then he didn't want to know the answer. He heard them coming. Heard their steps and voices and somehow he knew that this time he would fail.
The next second there was light everywhere. Just pure light and Dean didn't even see himself anymore. He was blinded but so grateful, when he felt his wounds healing quickly.
He lay still. He didn't want to move in case it could bring him back, but somehow there was this comforting voice, mumbling words in a language that Dean had never heard before. He didn't understand it but it sounded like a chant. He felt his body relaxing, felt how he somehow longed to get closer to this voice even if it surrounded him. It soothed him, caressed him and when he grabbed some fabric that suspiciously felt like Castiel's trenchcoat he smiled, taking it as a cushion.
His mind got to rest, and Cas who was - in the real world - sitting right next to him now, didn't move his palm away, still feeling Dean's forehead against his hand. He didn't stop to 'mojo' as the hunter would say, until the human began to wake up in the morning. But even then he whispered in Enochian, soothing Dean's wounded and scarred soul with his own light, warmth, and presence.
It took Dean several minutes to actually open his eyes and become aware of the world around him. Normally he woke up fast, always prepared to protect himself, if someone or something jumped him or Sam, but this night he had slept deeper than probably the last few months together. The supernatural cause to his good sleep, still sat on the mattress, slightly pressing the fingers of his right hand on the human's forehead and hair.
Only when the hunter started moving, Castiel withdrew his hand, right before the younger man would've slapped it away. At least Dean prayed that Cas wasn't actually able to see all his dreams, and that he could still look annoyed enough to escape this “just a little too close“-situation. So he kept telling himself, that he would've slapped it away anyway... and that he didn't miss it now.
“Good morning, Dean.“ Castiel's voice was low and somehow it didn't feel as serious as it normally did.
“What exactly are you doing in my bed?“ Dean snapped, still trying to pretend that he had full control in here.
“You had a nightmare last night. I felt your fear and I couldn't ignore it. I know you don't like other people than Sam or yourself being in here, but... since your soul didn't flinch when I came. I thought it was okay.“
“You felt my... fear?“ In Castiel's words he found more than one paradox. First, he didn't fear. Second, even if he did, Cas shouldn't be able to actually FEEL it. Third, what the hell did he mean with 'your soul didn't flinch?’
The angel just nodded in his typical manner. “Besides you screamed.“
It still made Castiel wonder, how Dean couldn't realize what he was doing at night. Sleep was something very fascinating, something Cas never really experienced, just sampled through the other one. Nevertheless while the angel found all of this interesting and he loved being able to rush down to earth to help, Dean didn't like it.
The hunter tried to ignore the fact, that he remembered every bit of his dreams, but was so helpless at night. There had been months of him going through hell over and over again and normally he woke up screaming, or crying, or suffocating.
He never realized that Cas could've helped him, perhaps even that he did. Perhaps everything would've been even harder, if Cas hadn't been there. The hunter sighed deeply, picking himself up slowly then going to the bathroom, without looking at Castiel. He was confused and felt lost in too many questions to process in the early morning.
“What time is it?“
“About 1pm“, Cas smiled and laughed a bit when Dean made a surprised sound around his toothbrush.
“Like, really?“, he muffled and the angel nodded again. “Fuck... I should've called Sam already.“
Yes, he couldn't stop being the big brother.
“Your brother slept two blocks from here and he got your messages. He's still annoyed, but he will start to feel better.“ Even if he trusted Cas, this didn't count. So Dean picked up the phone causing Cas to wonder again how humans could be so complicated.
Of course the angel had been right. Sam didn't actually answer the phone, but he changed his voice mail to something like, “Dean, stop worrying, I'll live, just gimme some time, Jerk.“
Since Sam calling him a Jerk was a good sign Dean could finally relax a little, reassured that his baby brother felt better. He was surprised that Castiel stayed but he enjoyed the company. He still couldn't stop thinking about this soul-bonding stuff. If he remembered it correctly, Cas once said, they shared a bond. Did this mean, he could actually feel everything Dean felt? Could he... somehow look into him? Should he be afraid, or feel secure?
It puzzled him that the angel sat beside him on the couch, his tie loosened a bit, watching trashy daylight television with him. Cas even smiled.
“When you said, you felt my fear... what did you mean by that?“
The angel muffled a little laugh, before he turned to Dean. He knew that the hunter needed time before he could start talking. It didn't matter about which topic Dean spoke, he normally spent multiple hours on thinking everything through first. But somehow curiosity won this time. Nonetheless Castiel had seen Dean's dreams, multiple times now, and even if they startled him at first he had developed the urge to lead the hunter into the right direction, because yes, he wanted this too. Since Dean taught him how to love, he never got rid of the human in his head and heart.
Perhaps the part of his grace that still entwined Dean's soul was one of the reasons, why they longed for each other. But there was more, Cas knew this now and he was too fond of these new feelings to ignore them.
“I just felt it, we share a bond, I told you this already,“ he nodded firmly and observed the reaction carefully. “So when you cried out I came to soothe your soul and calm your dreams.“
“Did you see any of it? … Like... you know what I was dreaming about?“
The angel felt the tension building up in the air, even if he normally didn't get such things. This time it was different. “When your soul threw itself at me I got many pictures and thoughts, yes. I can't settle all of them, there are too many.“
“But you saw hell?“
“This wasn't the first time in hell for me, Dean.“
The hunter nodded and didn't really dare to ask any further. Of course he wanted to know if Cas also seen the dream he had before he switched to hell... but perhaps the angel hadn't paid attention and would search through Dean's thoughts if he mentioned it. He wasn't even sure if he wanted Cas to know or not. He couldn't evaluate the angel's reaction and he still felt small and unworthy of the attention the older one offered him. And he didn't even know what he wanted for himself. He felt bad now thinking about all the other times he dreamt about Cas, sometimes he would even daydream. Still he always ignored it.
How could there be the right time for a change now? Why would he think about it differently? What would be the change exactly? Would he... leave?
The thought of Cas leaving made his heart shiver and twitch. He had always concluded that there would be a time, when Cas would go back to heaven and stay. Dean had feared that moment for long and he knew that if he really called upon all his courage now and was honest to himself, it would change everything. It could cause even more pain, than he had already bottled up inside of him.
“I won't leave you.“, Castiel's raspy voice disrupted the hunter's inner monologue on fear and loneliness. “I would never be able to do so...“
There were minutes of silence between them. They were looking at each other and Dean wondered again, how Cas was able to understand him the way he did. He didn't really deserve someone like this. He triggered the apocalypse in Hell, he tortured souls and had fun doing it. He was a monster and normally he would've hunted himself down.
But when he had thought that there was no way to go on, Cas had changed, become more human, stopped being the total soldier and caught Dean.
“You knew that I wasn't talking about the dream of hell, didn't you?“ There was a sudden certainty in Dean's words and Cas just nodded slightly again.
They fell silent again and the hunter lost himself in those big blue eyes. Without realizing what he was doing, he moved closer to the angel, laying his hands on Castiel's shoulders, pushing him back, down on the cushions. Cas didn't struggle, instead he slid beneath Dean as if they were designed for this.
Slowly the hunter leant down, nudging their noses together. He felt Cas' breath ghosting over his lips and smiled. When he kissed him for the first time, his eyes fell shut and a new world opened up in front of him. Suddenly there were butterflies in his tummy and his heart started melting.
They kissed longingly but tender and when they finally broke the kiss to get some air, Dean opened his lids again. He couldn't believe what was happening here, but he didn't want to. He feared the feeling could go away as soon as he understood. Cas just smiled at him knowingly.
“So you really want to celebrate a 'real' Christmas, with me?“, the angel asked quietly and Dean looked away, just to make sure, he wasn't blushing. He was Dean Winchester and he didn't do blushing.
“It's childish and it was just a dream, Cas“, the human defended himself.
Still, Castiel promised himself silently that he would give Dean everything he wanted. The “Righteous Man“ had always given everything and the angel admired Dean for doing so. Even if the hunter didn't understand him, to him Dean was precious and wonderful and he wanted to see him happy. So he would've to talk to Sam to arrange a real Christmas, like those actors in the TV.
But at the moment, Christmas was still far away. The hunter himself was more important than any plans. The hunter who kissed him again now and showed Cas, how special and exciting humans could be. Even if they were really complicated.
Dean had already lost himself in Castiel's skin and scent. He couldn't stop nipping at his lips, kissing his chin and slightly licking at his jaw. One of his hands was buried in the other man's hair, tugging carefully, teasing Cas. Even if the hunter considered himself an expert when it came to sex, this was different.
It felt like the first time.
His second hand searched Castiel's hips and started stroking through the thin fabric of the angel's shirt. Just a moment later he stopped again, reaching for the buttons. Carefully he opened them, touching the older one's chest not completely by accident, whenever he could. He had been waiting for this and it felt surrealand overwhelming now. A small smile curved his lips, while he observed the skin that came to his view and when he looked up he saw Cas smiling too.
The angel reached out for him, tenderly pulling him down so they could kiss again. While their lips were still playing Dean felt his own shirt being shoved up and he broke their touch to get rid of it. He laid down again, nestling up against the other body, feeling Cas' heartbeat against his chest. He laughed a little, nipping at the angel's bottom lip, when he felt how ridiculously insecure he was. As if the older one knew it, he stroked the hunter's head.
It was as if Cas just wanted to give Dean some time to let off steam, before he wanted to take the lead. Of course the human was the experienced one in here, but still the angel felt how Deans soul shivered beneath the presence of his grace. Only seconds later, he grabbed the hunter by his hips and neck and changed their positions. He could see the surprise in Dean's eyes but just smiled a little. He leant down again longing for a kiss, bringing their hips together at the same time. The gasp that escaped the human's lips, made him chuckle a little. It was obvious how Dean had thought, that just because Cas seemed to be a virgin, he would actually be shy.
“Don't underestimate me Dean. Ever.“ There was a demanding sound to those words, that made the hunter shiver again. Subconsciously he pressed his hips against the angel, closing his eyes.
“You should stop worrying about what I want or don't want to do,“ the angel mumbled against the hunter's jaw. “I'm so many years older than you, I know what I want.“ His voice became even more raspy, at least Dean had the feeling, and then he nipped at the human's earlobe.
Dean shivered again, his hands searched for the angel's shoulders to take away the tie and shirt. He felt the heat building up inside of him as soon as the fabric fell to the ground next to the couch and sighed deeply when Castiel's lips started to indulge his skin.
“Don't stop“, he pleaded quietly and couldn't remember he ever did this before. He stroked through the angel's hair, almost holding on to it to make sure he wouldn't go away. The older one's presence made him feel secure, loved and protected. While the angel was still kissing his throat and neck, Dean spread his legs just enough to make the other one fall between them. Immediately they both breathed harder and the human opened his eyes again to glare at Cas teasingly.
“You knew I wanted this?“, he asked and let his head fall back, when the angel started moving his hips against him.
“Yes I did.“, the older one answered, before he conquered Dean's lips again. Their hips pressed against each other in unison and Dean couldn't stop himself from moaning quietly. His whole body seemed to shiver and long for the angel. For a second he wondered if this was because of their bond, but then he stopped paying attention to the question as his gaze fell on Cas. The angel seemed to be at least as overwhelmed as Dean felt. He had closed his eyes and rolled his hips against the human in pleasure and endearment. But what really got the hunter's attention was that the air behind Castiel seemed to flicker. Not only that he looked unbelievably beautiful like this, lost in new sensations and his longing for Dean, something the human had never been able to see before, appeared and vanished constantly. Panting Dean concentrated on the glimmer, before he gathered his courage, moving his hands further down on the angel's back. He sensed what he could possibly see there and only the thought made him shiver and gasp again. As soon as he reached the soft skin between Castiel's shoulders the angel's eyes flew open in surprise.
“What...? Ahh...“, Cas couldn't stop the moaning that fell from his lips, when Dean grabbed the base of his wings with both of his hands. The angel's started trembling in seconds while the hunter was still amazed by the view that opened up in front of him. It was the first time he ever really saw Cas' wings and he never expected to be able to touch them. The small feathers between his fingers felt indescribably soft and every movement seemed to send small jolts of pleasure and something like electricity through the human's body. He just carefully moved his fingers but felt and saw Cas breaking down on him in seconds.
“Oh Dean… don't … I … oh...oh my god...“, Dean heard the babbling and couldn't quite understand what was happening. But he understood that he could give the angel pleasure like this and smiled triumphantly. He had never seen Cas so weak and felt better then he would've expected just by knowing that the angel trusted him enough to let himself go like that. Besides he didn't want to let go of those feathers either.
Carefully he traced the form of the fragile bones covered with thin skin and feathers with his fingers, massaging the fluffy part and feeling Cas trembling against him. The angel had his face buried in Dean's neck and was panting harshly, helplessly rutting against the younger man. Dean groaned when he felt Cas reaching between their bodies, ripping their trousers away recklessly. Shorts to shorts the hunter felt the angel's erection, pressing against his own. He started rolling his hips against the sensation spreading inside of him, unable to stop looking at the wings. His fingers erratically stroked through the soft plumage before wandering along the longer and stronger white feathers, that were glistening in surreal colors that Dean had never seen before. They were beautiful.
He moaned when Cas bit down on his throat, withdrew one of his hands from the feathers and instead grabbed the angels ass to bring them even closer. They both groaned and Cas seemed to regain a little control to move against Dean more coordinated manner.
Their lips met for seconds before they had to break away for air again. The room was filled with harsh panting and quiet pleading before Cas spread out his wings, bringing Deans second hand to the base of his shoulder blades again.
“Dean...“, the name was a question, a pleading and an answer at the same time. They moved faster and harder before the hunter lost the fight to make time stand still and felt his orgasm being ripped from his body. He held onto Castiel's body and wings and the angel only needed a few more thrusts along Deans now wet shorts, before he came too.
They lay together panting and Dean felt the wings vanishing from between his fingers. A smile formed on his lips he stroked the skin where they had been, while his other hand started caressing the angel's neck.
“I love you...“, Dean quietly mumbled, somehow really meaning it.
Cas only smiled. “I love you too.“
They both knew that it was true.
***
Some weeks later, on Christmas morning, Dean woke up to quiet curses. When he opened his eyes he saw Sam and Cas trying to arrange a Christmas tree and couldn't stop the warmth spreading inside of him. He thought about the small presents he got for both of them and of them doing this for him. It made him feel more loved than he ever had before. Still he was the older brother and the lover who always was in control, so he sat up, snapping: "What do you think you're doing you're destroying the whole room!“ But he smiled and they did too.
Thank you, Dean thought, Thank you Lord, in which I don't believe for sending me an angel.... and Happy Birthday.