topic 41 grief
//locked up tight//
Every time I grieve it's different. The older I get the harder it becomes to remember what it was like to grieve for my mother. I remember the details of her death as clear as the day it happened. I have clear impressions of how it effected Dad, but I don't remember how I actually grieved for her.
I never really thought about what it would be like to lose Dad or Sam. Guess I had it in my head that they weren't allowed to die. When I was bargaining with that reaper for my life, I told her they needed me to live. I know they did, but maybe Dad didn't realize I needed him to live too. I..I don't know what to do with this. I don't know what to do without him.
Take care of Sammy.
That was what he wanted me to do. Told me all the things I wanted to hear but never thought I would. He was proud of me. He recognized what I'd give up for him and Sammy. He even admitted that he wished he had been the one offering the assurances that things would be ok.
I need that now, you know. I need him to call me up and say, Dean it's going to be ok, son. I need to know I can still call him and he'll be there to save our asses when Sam and I get in too deep.
I need him.
Fuck. How do I grieve? Fuck you. I live. That's how I fucking grieve. I force myself to continue on and try and push down all these emotions and memories that are swimming around inside my head. I try to cling to the sound of his voice and the scent that was uniquely my father's. Things I'm so desperate not to lose because sometimes I forget the sound of my mother's voice or the smell of her favorite perfume. I watch as Sam worries that he's forgetting those things with Jess.
He's the strongest man I ever knew and now he's gone. Doesn't take a genius to know what he did or why it happened. Pretty sure Sammy has figured it out the same as I did. It was his way of saving us one last time and god I fucking hate him for it. He didn't have a right to choose his life for mine. He didn't have a right to leave us.
FUCK YOU, DAD, WE STILL NEED YOU.
Yeah. Ok. Anger. Let's just say I'm stuck in anger, and trying to get back to denial.