Dean loves all the little children!
Dear Dean,
What would you do for a klondike bar?
Nova
Dear Nova,
Nothing. I don't like 'em. What the fuck is a Klondike? I don't trust Canada. That's right, I said it.
LOVE Dean
Dear Dean,
Considering how you fight evil every day and have done so for many years, I figured you'd be the best person to turn to in a situation like this.
How do I get my friend to stop trying to get me to listen to Death Cab For Cutie? I like to consider myself very open when it comes to music, but seriously...their music is just bad. Almost irrationally so.
So, suggestions?
Sincerely,
A Proud Rock Fan
Dear APRF,
First of all, you should've signed your letter with a name that would make a cool acronym. Something like "Dying of Especially Atrocious Noise." Maybe you couldn't handle how awesome that word is.
Second of all, what kind of lame-ass band name is Death Cab for Cutie? You gotta be shitting me. The hell is a death cab and why does Cutie want it? Jesus. Your friend either has awful taste or is a psychopath. I'm not willing to take bets on which one it is.
I recommend any of the following techniques: death threats, breaking/stealing CDs, and/or a forcible introduction to the finer points of good music. Anything made after the early 1980s doesn't count. Repeat after me: the 1990s were a musical wasteland. James Hetfield is God. Write this mantra backward on your friend's forehead with permanent marker. Enough booze and there won't even be any complaints.
Sam tried to listen to that emo shit in my car once, but after I torched his CDs with my lighter and he cried like a little girl for a while, he learned to leave the music-selecting to the master.
LOVE Dean
Dear readers: Any inaccuracies regarding cock-rock or James Hetfield are because I listen to crappy emo music. LOVE Susan