(no subject)
i guess what i'm thinking about now is forgiveness. and why i feel like i dont fit in here all the time, and why i don't hang onto relationships. i guess what i'm talking about is lies, and backtalk, and judgments, and generally mistakes and how we never see them as that. mistakes. i do a lot of that, don't i.
the reason i don't like it here entirely right now is what's walled off to me. i haven't successfully held onto more than two of my long-term friendships, and even the success of those are negotiable. there are people who i know i couldn't smile at in a hallway without getting a glare, a lot of doors i could never knock on again, a lot of dead weight. even people who aren't here--i'm speaking specifically about bri, and andy, and tyler, and a hundred other people to a lesser degree. whether or not i know what i did, (& i don't in most cases,) i cant help feeling like these people will never accept my apologies if i wrote them on the side of a building or breathed them into a phone receiver or just wrote down the word "sorry."
most of these people deserve to hate me, some of them just have a lot of hate in general, some of them don't. but the point is that being here feels like dragging around a chain of all my former selves. i dont know if its empathy or psychopathy or what but i can feel how irreversible some peoples opinions are of me. i feel a lot of guilt about it, but what would you do if you picked up the phone and it was me? when i was younger and i heard that that someone didn't like me, i'd invite them over for dinner. i'd try to rectify myself and be a bigger person, but this issue here is that i'm not, and it would be easier to just leave and try harder next time.
anyway i guess this is my call to no one that if i didn't do enough to apologize, i'm sorry. this has been inarticulate moment of cliche honesty #39471.
and anyways, whether or not you read the cut text, this is not a tie in. nate and i spent the day before yesterday at his niece's birthday party in grawn. it was the best thing ever for me to run around with four year olds and watch children's movies and color in spiderman. then coming home to totoro! and nate haircuts. then sleeping better than ive ever slept.
yes im done.