(no subject)
One of the major things this past year at Stockton has taught me is what I do not want to be. Living in a place where I am constantly surrounded by people that are nothing like me, and where I feel like I am confined to one small space (both literally and figuratively) has begun to bring out the worst in me. I am irritable, I have no ambition to do anything, and I can’t help but hang my head low with a lack of confidence. It truly is a shame that, instead of making me a better version of myself and showing me how to best grow into the person I want to be, college has mostly just provided me with an example of who I am not.
I feel like I am caught up in a terribly uncomfortable in-between stage of life. The fact that I am aware that Stockton brings out some of my worst qualities and that I have learned something is good- at least I am not upset and self-loathing with no explanation to myself or to the world. So, in that way, I haven’t really lost much, even if my freshman year was not everything I’d hoped it would be. At the same time, I could have spent this entire year having the time of my life at a school that better suits who I am and what I am looking for from my college experience.
Now my dilemma is, do I stick Stockton out and, armed with this knowledge of the situation, try to make the very best of it? Or do I cut my losses and try to transfer out as soon as I can? I have a scholarship of a value that I don’t think will be matched by other colleges I could apply to. And even though personally, I would take out all the loans in the world if it meant I could go somewhere that was perfect for me, it is not my money. It’s my mom’s. And there are no guarantees that another school would be so infinitely better that it’s worth being in debt for all eternity.
I could go to Stockton and not live there next semester. But somehow, I feel like that would only make matters worse. I like living on campus where I can have a semi-independent life, where I can build up a new world, essentially. The problem lies in the fact that I have not found my niche. I haven’t actively sought out clubs where I would meet more people with similar interests; I haven’t been as outgoing as I should be. I want to do new things and meet different people, something that would be more difficult to do living at home, and even though living there hasn’t exactly helped with all that, I know it is my fault for not trying harder. When I started first semester, I was so preoccupied adjusting to the idea of college that I almost forgot that I was already there. My new life was already moving right along without me.
I signed up for an apartment and paid a housing deposit. Yesterday, I found out that I am living in apartment B 13. It one-part scares me, and one-part fills me with the determination to stick it out and try harder.
Transferring out, when I fully realize that me not enjoying Stockton is as much my fault as it is the fault of everything else, just seems cowardly. I need to learn that sometimes, I can choose to make a situation good or bad, right?
But…
Staying at Stockton, when I know there are things about it that are just not right for me and never will be, seems sort of pointless. What if I just can’t make it work?
I know what the right decision for now is. I just hope I don’t wind up regretting it.
I feel like I am caught up in a terribly uncomfortable in-between stage of life. The fact that I am aware that Stockton brings out some of my worst qualities and that I have learned something is good- at least I am not upset and self-loathing with no explanation to myself or to the world. So, in that way, I haven’t really lost much, even if my freshman year was not everything I’d hoped it would be. At the same time, I could have spent this entire year having the time of my life at a school that better suits who I am and what I am looking for from my college experience.
Now my dilemma is, do I stick Stockton out and, armed with this knowledge of the situation, try to make the very best of it? Or do I cut my losses and try to transfer out as soon as I can? I have a scholarship of a value that I don’t think will be matched by other colleges I could apply to. And even though personally, I would take out all the loans in the world if it meant I could go somewhere that was perfect for me, it is not my money. It’s my mom’s. And there are no guarantees that another school would be so infinitely better that it’s worth being in debt for all eternity.
I could go to Stockton and not live there next semester. But somehow, I feel like that would only make matters worse. I like living on campus where I can have a semi-independent life, where I can build up a new world, essentially. The problem lies in the fact that I have not found my niche. I haven’t actively sought out clubs where I would meet more people with similar interests; I haven’t been as outgoing as I should be. I want to do new things and meet different people, something that would be more difficult to do living at home, and even though living there hasn’t exactly helped with all that, I know it is my fault for not trying harder. When I started first semester, I was so preoccupied adjusting to the idea of college that I almost forgot that I was already there. My new life was already moving right along without me.
I signed up for an apartment and paid a housing deposit. Yesterday, I found out that I am living in apartment B 13. It one-part scares me, and one-part fills me with the determination to stick it out and try harder.
Transferring out, when I fully realize that me not enjoying Stockton is as much my fault as it is the fault of everything else, just seems cowardly. I need to learn that sometimes, I can choose to make a situation good or bad, right?
But…
Staying at Stockton, when I know there are things about it that are just not right for me and never will be, seems sort of pointless. What if I just can’t make it work?
I know what the right decision for now is. I just hope I don’t wind up regretting it.