(no subject)
I promised myself that I could be as cold as he is.
It was easy on my own when I first thought about it. He doesn't want me. I have to ignore him. Easy.
It got harder trying to stay with it, but there are distractions. The other guys, customers...
It's hard in the shop if it's just the two of us. There's a time mid-morning that's too late for schoolgirls and too early for office workers. We're just cleaning the store or filling phone orders. He doesn't smile, but Aya gets into these moods where whatever he's doing is everything he's thinking about. He's just adjusting stem length or examining the petals for blemishes, and he's tense with concentration, but not anger. It's hard not to watch, but I think about how much disgust he'd throw my way if he looked up from whatever and get back to sweeping the floor.
I can do it. He doesn't want me. I'm not giving him the chance to tell me again.
And there's missions, which can be even easier. Objectives and orders and trying not to get myself killed -- giving Siberian too much leash and thinking about throwing Abyssinian up against a wall and making him give a definite no a long enough leash usually lets the blood lust take away any thoughts of watching him.
Except when he--
He and I fight close range. We get messy. We leave blood trails, but it's usually other people's blood.
He--
I didn't know until after, when Omi made Aya take off his trench coat. Omi noticed.
We have missions. There are risks. We're all at risk. We're all good at this or Kritiker wouldn't want us doing it.
It's nothing. He's not dead. Aya wouldn't ever want comfort.
He doesn't want me.
It shouldn't matter to me that it wasn't other people's blood.
It was easy on my own when I first thought about it. He doesn't want me. I have to ignore him. Easy.
It got harder trying to stay with it, but there are distractions. The other guys, customers...
It's hard in the shop if it's just the two of us. There's a time mid-morning that's too late for schoolgirls and too early for office workers. We're just cleaning the store or filling phone orders. He doesn't smile, but Aya gets into these moods where whatever he's doing is everything he's thinking about. He's just adjusting stem length or examining the petals for blemishes, and he's tense with concentration, but not anger. It's hard not to watch, but I think about how much disgust he'd throw my way if he looked up from whatever and get back to sweeping the floor.
I can do it. He doesn't want me. I'm not giving him the chance to tell me again.
And there's missions, which can be even easier. Objectives and orders and trying not to get myself killed -- giving Siberian too much leash and thinking about throwing Abyssinian up against a wall and making him give a definite no a long enough leash usually lets the blood lust take away any thoughts of watching him.
Except when he--
He and I fight close range. We get messy. We leave blood trails, but it's usually other people's blood.
He--
I didn't know until after, when Omi made Aya take off his trench coat. Omi noticed.
We have missions. There are risks. We're all at risk. We're all good at this or Kritiker wouldn't want us doing it.
It's nothing. He's not dead. Aya wouldn't ever want comfort.
He doesn't want me.
It shouldn't matter to me that it wasn't other people's blood.