Fic: One Hell of a Coincidence (R - Various)

[corvidae9]

Title: One Hell Of A Coincidence
Authors: corvidae9 and knitmeapony
Rating: R
Word Count: ~10,950
Warnings: So. Much. Crack.
Summary: Everyone in Harry's year had something in common... something they hadn't done. Yes, that. It was absolutely true. No one was entirely sure why -- the war, the stress, lack of opportunity, fear of -- what, everything? anything? -- or maybe it was just plain old fashioned bad luck.
Pairings:
Harry/Draco
Zacharias/Blaise
Wayne/Stephen
Morag/Lavender
Megan/Tracey
Sally-Ann/Su
Hannah/Ernie
Terry/Susan
Ron/Hermione
Daphne/Theo
Eloise/Kevin
Vincent/Millicent/Greg
Justin/Neville/Anthony/Pansy
Parvati/Dean and Padma/Seamus
Mandy/Lisa/Michael
Notes: *pointpointing at each other* It's her fault, I swear.

###

The room went silent as the news whipped 'round the room they'd hired for the party at the Leaky Cauldron; it had begun with a curious question from Ginny and a peeved declaration from Harry that had been echoed loyally by the rest of the Gryffindor boys in order to keep him from becoming the butt of yet another Slytherin joke. At first no one believed them; then the girls made their own declarations.

"It's true," said Lavender, pink as her nail varnish.

"More's the pity," added Parvati.

The Ravenclaws had their own quiet conference, and finally acknowledged the bitter truth of their own secrets. "We thought it was, well..." Anthony picked at his trouser seam. "You can't do much in the library."

The Hufflepuffs one by one shyly spit out an admission or two -- even the Slytherins finally joined in, now less interested in guarding an embarrassing secret as they were in the rather odd knowledge that all of them -- holy Christ, every single last one of them -- were in the same situation.

Ron sat staring into the fire, absolutely gobsmacked and ever so slightly horrified.

"Christ, I thought it was me." Harry was mumbling, face in his hands, still absolutely unwilling to look anyone in the eye.

Draco rolled his eyes from his perch on the arm of the most comfortable chair in the room. "You're not that special."

Dean kicked at his boot lazily from the floor. "Fuck directly off, Malfoy," he said, peering over the top of the sunglasses. "You're not the only blue-balled bastard in the room."

Yes, that. It was absolutely true. No one was entirely sure why -- the war, the stress, lack of opportunity, fear of -- what, everything? anything? -- or maybe it was just plain old fashioned bad luck. But by god, every member of Hogwarts Class of 1998 was, in Justin Finch-Fletchley's words, "a goddamn unwilling virgin. Un. Fucking. Believable."

Megan narrowed her eyes and glared. "First person that calls me a liar is getting a fist for their trouble." Tracey nodded approvingly and raised her glass.

They were all making their excuses and rattling off their reasons. Lavender had conjured a file with which to keep her hands busy and look nonchalant. She held her fingers up to inspect her newly filed nail as she murmured, "Dunno about you, but I'm worth more untouched, people."

"Amen to that, sister," Parvati added as she adjusted the fringe of her skirt.

Padma, however, held a finger up without quite taking her eyes from the book in her hand, "Actually, that just isn't true, not anymore. The thought's degrading, besides. It's inherently unfair that men are practically encouraged to sow their wild oats, whereas women are expected to keep their oats to themselves." She turned the page with her gesturing finger.

Parvati tapped her fingernail to her teeth as Lavender said, "I didn't know we could sow oats."

Rolling her eyes, Padma slammed her book shut. "You know what I mean. By playing along with the whole good girl stereotype, you play into the hands of the patriarchy. I for one advocate a lot of premarital sex. The kinkier, the better." Suddenly looking a little sheepish, she added, "Not that I've had time for it. But I will!"

Seamus nudged Dean's shoulder and whispered something that clearly piqued his interest, but most of the rest of the assembled group were clearly busy reevaluating Padma Patil. Her Ravenclaw dormmates were the exception -- Mandy even lipsynched along with the rest of the speech. "Most teenagers turn to sex to find meaning in their empty, consumerist lives, but that doesn't make it any less a rite of passage or a right in fact!" Her voice faded a bit as she realized all eyes were on her, and she lifted the book in front of her face again. "It's just an opinion."

Pansy rolled her eyes. Perhaps the Ravenclaw couldn't handle all eyes on her, but a Slytherin always managed. With a petulant frown, she said loudly, "When I realized Draco was gay, the magic was gone from that, really."

Good for getting attention, that was, but bad for Draco's mood. He sulked in her direction and snarled. "Fuck directly off, Parkinson."

Pansy waved it off, unconcerned, though her voice carried a bit of the sharp edge of a woman ignored. "Like you'd be the one to explain how, Malfoy." She snorted and continued to anyone in the area willing to listen. "I even got my hands down there once, and... nothing. Not even a flicker of interest." She crossed her arms and glares at Draco. "Serves you right for blaming me."

He huffed and glowered to no avail; his expression darkened even more when Ginny and Luna burst into poorly-timed giggles. They'd been sitting close, lurking in the corner and trying to stay quiet after the discussion had begun in earnest so no one would notice they'd somewhat (sort of) crashed the party. (Although given the new topic of conversation Ginny doubted anyone would be paying attention to them anytime soon. "We could march a brass band through here," she whispered to Luna, "and they'd just keep arguing away.")

Millicent stood near the punch, looking too tall, solid, and embarrassed, speaking almost more to herself than the Slytherins around her. "I've err-- thought about it. I got that far, eneway." She peered at her companions for some kind -- any kind -- of support.

"Kissed a girl once. She ran off." Goyle offered, nodding philosophically.

"Don't count." From his position at Goyle's elbow, Crabbe scoffed. "You was six, arse."

Ernie also had no compunction about sharing, regardless of the truth of his statement. "I have been wooing a worthy sixth year for quite some time now." Even his housemates had to snicker at that. He puffed up, trying not to look insulted. "Say now, no lie! I expect that once she is of age and we are betrothed to be wed there shall be love-making of an extremely intense nature."

"...You are hereby sacked from Hufflepuff for being weird," murmured Hannah, shoving his arm and returning her attention to the assembled group. He looked red about the nose and ears, but didn't shove her back.

Oblivious to Terry's not-so-surreptitious glances, Susan wrinkled her nose. "Always seemed a little... messy to me, you know?"

"Wait!" Stephen pointed toward Mandy and Lisa, who had been quietly observing the proceedings with great interest. "There is no way those two have not done a great number of filthy and... and... unpronounceably.... lesbian... things."

Best friends since first year, it was no secret that they slept in one bed on frequent occasion. It was just that they'd never bothered to answer ridiculous questions about their sexuality, preferring instead to shoot the pathetic and predictable idiots that were usually asking with a withering glare before returning their attention to a book or each other. Both girls fixed him the same disgusted glare, as Mandy said, "I knew you were an idiot, Cornfoot, but if you can't pronounce 'secrets', 'nail varnish' or 'Arithmancy', you should have been held back."

Wayne, who was sitting as close to Stephen as he could without sitting in his lap, scoffed. "Oh come on. You went to the Yule Ball together. You were practically the gay ambassadors for Hogwarts."
It was Lisa's turn for a scathing reply. "Yes, that would be because fourteen-year-old boys are idiots, as are seventeen-year-old boys, apparently." Pausing to share a snicker with the rest of the females in the room, she rolled her eyes and went on, "Some idiot from Durmstrang turned me down and Mandy and I decided to boycott boys for the night. Sorry to have burst your bubble of Pride."

It was possible that no one would had really believed them, but as the rest of the room came forth with their tales of unwitting (and frequently unwilling) virginity, it was suddenly much easier to believe that they too had been involved in an entirely platonic relationship, bed-sharing or not. (In fact, following the incident with the Durmstrang boy, they'd shared a borrowed hip flask of firewhiskey in Lisa's bed and had an enthusiastic snog, which ended in hangovers too severe to remember much past the clumsy drunken groping portion of the evening. Clearly, that hardly counted.)

Stephen waved a disgusted hand in their direction and let it go.

Theo and Daphne had taken joint possession of the large armchair early in the evening, sitting in such a way that it may have seemed improbable they were included in the night's surprising revelation. Theo leaned in and whispered to Daphne, "My mother threatened to castrate me if I got someone pregnant."

Daphne snickered. "Funny. Mum threatened to castrate you if I turned out pregnant, too."

"It's a fine thing we didn't then," murmured Theo, jerking his head slightly toward the spectacle that was Draco and Potter not quite looking at one another.

"Hrrmph," Daphne muttered, almost pulling off offended until she snorted indelicately at the scene. "Fine thing my mum and yours both assumed we might. Weren't we raised to be better than that?"

Theo slid his hand higher up Daphne's thigh. "We should've negotiated some reward."

Daphne's eyes darted to his hand and back, eyebrow arched. "A reward for not doing it at all or a reward for being clever enough to avoid your unfortunate castration?"

Harry cleared his throat at the outbreak of conversation around him, feeling as though it was his job to take charge of the situation. After all, their preoccupation with trivial things such as staying alive was somewhat his fault. "All right, all right. It's clear we have a problem. Now. What are we going to do about it?"

Raising her hand lazily from where she lolled in yet another armchair, Pansy smirked. "Ooh. Idea."

Ron, however, had drowned her out with his suggestion, delivered with an eyeroll that no one fell for. "On the count of three, everyone point to someone you want to shag, and matching pairs go get a room."

Pansy shrugged, "There's an idea."

Brow furrowed and looking somewhat shocked that people might find this to be a good idea, Hermione held a hand up. "Hold on--"

Draco pointed at Pansy instead, looking a little uncomfortable himself. "No, no. Yours is probably better."

"Noooo," Tracey smirked, sitting forward clearly interested. "I want to see where the pointing goes"

"No!" Draco said. "I want to hear Pansy's idea. I'm not going on the count of three. It's childish. And barbaric." And would probably out him as queer as a three pound note.

Both rabid Quidditch fans, Mandy and Lisa exchanged a look and then began quietly listing the male players in the room in descending unlikelihood of homosexuality.

Harry, meanwhile was quietly edging away in an attempt to put Hermione and Ron between Malfoy and himself, scratching the back of his neck and already flushed. Silently, he agreed with Malfoy, and that was bad enough without knowing they had the same reasons, too.

Dean had been watching, however, (as they all had for seven long years) and wasn't about to let him get away with it. He caught Harry by the back of his shirt and pushed him to the forefront again. "All in favor of Harry and Malfoy just sucking it up and going at it like mad rabbits, say 'Aye'."

As could be expected, the room rang with a chorus of, "AYE," the only two people who bothered to look surprised were Harry and Draco. They both turned to face Dean, as though they somehow hadn't ended up facing each other from a distance of about two feet after Dean's shove. Harry sputtered, "WHAT?!" though Draco took it a step further and managed a strangled, "What the HELL?!?"

Hermione ignored Harry's pleading look, throwing a hand in the air. "Yes, alright. Aye."

Horrified, Ron grabbed her by the elbow and spun her to face him, "Don't you start with the crazy talk now, too."

"What?" Hermione said, exasperated as she pulled her arm from Ron's grip. "They've been obsessed with one another for seven years. If they shag and get it over with maybe we can all stop hearing about it."

Shifting from one foot to another, Harry pointed at Draco, then at Hermione, raising his voice. "I'm not obsessed!" Immediately tucking his hand back in his pocket, he added more quietly if not more convincingly, "I'm not."

Jaw set, eyes narrow, Draco shot an appraising glance in Harry's direction before finally shrugging. "Fine. But I'm not doing it here."

Grimacing and trying so hard not to notice the look that Draco was giving him through a fall of pale blonde hair that was just begging to be touched and-- oh fuck. He didn't want to do this. Did he? Harry swallowed hard. "You can't be ser--"

Dean shoved Harry again, this time overtly in Draco's direction, his expression a cross of amusement and disgust. "Great idea. Please. Go somewhere else. We don't want to see."

"Wait--" Came a protest from where Lavender and Parvati sat. "...What if we do?"

"I suppose it is a fairly momentous event..." murmured Hermione, with a thoughtful head tilt.

Harry found that he had been shoved and maneuvered far too close to Draco for comfort, his false-hunted expression betrayed by his tightening trousers. "Um. But..."

Finally tired of playing this game, however, Draco closed the distance between them to grab Harry by the belt, sparing a smirk for him before glaring around the room. "Don't wait up."

Ginny waved her hand in their direction. "Pah. With my compliments," she grinned as she draped her arm lazily around Luna's shoulders. "Too high-maintenance, at any rate. Both of them."

With a happy nod, not bothering to ask for clarification, Luna leaned in and offered Ginny the other end of her red licorice whip. "Yes, and I'd rather be the focus of your maintenance efforts, please."

Lavender sucked her teeth loudly and pouted at Parvati as Harry and Draco Disapparated. "Damn."

###

In a darkened room in an quiet flat somewhere in a posh neighborhood of Wizarding London, Harry blinked as he suddenly found himself face to face and quite alone with one Draco Malfoy, whose hand still happened to be on his belt and too close not to notice what sort of effect that seemed to have on him. Either of them, for that matter. Harry swallowed comically hard and lifted his chin, determined not to show weakness of any sort, though his voice was thinner than he intended when he finally spoke.

"Hi."

Draco merely smirked to cover a momentary flash of uncertainty. He extended the index finger of the hand on Harry's belt, more poking than pointing as he demanded, "Naked. Now."

###

Hermione turned to Ron, who was staring at the spot from which Harry had just disappeared. "We've done a terrible thing," she said, trying not to snicker at the look on Ron's face.

Brow furrowed deeply, Ron opened and shut his mouth. "Harry. And Malfoy. They really-- I mean, seven years?"

"Yes. It happens that way sometimes," Hermione said pointedly, poking him in the chest, but it was lost on him. Again-- the story of the last seven years. She sighed and turned her attention back to the group when Justin threw a dramatic hand up, letting it slap down loudly on his thigh.

"Oh just fucking perfect!" Justin grumbled loudly, giving every appearance of descending into a sulk.

Ron's lip twisted. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Smirking, Pansy twirled a strand of hair as she singsonged, "Someone else wanted to wa-a-atch."

Scandalized, Ron's head popped up too quickly as he snapped, "NUH UH!"

Crabbe and Goyle exchanged a look of confusion. "...Watch what?"

Pansy laughed at the Weasel. "I meant Finch-Fletchley, dolt. Though it appears I should reassess that."

"Well, yeah!" Ron mumbled, slowly flushing Weasley red. "'Course you meant Finch-Fletchley..."

Millicent meanwhile had turned her attention to reassessing Crabbe and Goyle, eyes narrow as she looked them up and down, shrewd consideration clearly etched in her square features. "Say... Do you two still do everything together?"

Goyle nodded. "Uh huh. Why?"

###

Zacharias shrugged and inclined his head in Ron's direction. "I'm with him. Think I'm going to be sick."

"Please," scoffed Blaise standing off to the side. "You're just hacked that Draco beat you to Potter."

"Bite me, Zabini. It's so fucking cliché - Potter the golden boy hero and Malfoy the tortured son of a Death Eater with a shadowy past. Insert sickening Romeo and Juliet...o reference here." He shook his head. "Drama queens, the both of them. They deserve each other."

Blaise turned to exchange an amused look with Pansy and sneered, "Given that a lot of thought, hasn't he?"

Zacharias aimed a vicious shove at Blaise, who staggered as he was caught off guard. "Fuck you. You're probably just hacked that you couldn't pull with Malfoy in all the time he slept... what? Five feet away? What about in Junior Death Eater camp? You didn't share a bunk?"

"No." Blaise answered, righting himself and straightening his shirt before taking a swing at Zacharias. The punch connected with his jaw with a solid thwack, and Zacharias went down to a collective gasp. Towering over him, Blaise narrowed his eyes. "He was busy wanking to his pathetic revenge plots involving Potter."

Hermione attempted to intervene, raising her voice as Ernie tried to help Zacharias up. "Hold up! Can we just--"

Refusing Ernie's hand, Zacharias got to his feet, chin up to stare down the taller Blaise and cut Hermione off. "Care to take this outside, snake?"

"Anytime, Halfblood," growled Blaise.

Zacharias cocked his head toward the door and strode out, followed closely by Blaise, despite Pansy's assertion that it wasn't worth his time.

Su rolled her eyes and sat back as the door shut behind them, the sounds of a struggle close behind, but soon covered over by an explosion of murmuring around the room. "Idiots," she muttered, taking a large sip of her punch. Mmm. Rum.

"There's news," a voice muttered over her shoulder. Su leaned back in her seat and looked up to find SallyAnn, her sometimes lab partner, rolling her eyes. " I mean, have you ever met one to prove you wrong?"

"Honestly?" grinned Su. "Never." She patted the space next to her. "Have a seat. I'm sure there's more idiocy to come."

"I have a better idea," SallyAnn said with a matching grin. "How about you come with me and we find an idiot-free zone in which to get better acquainted?"

Su giggled and fell against the arm rest, craning her neck to see SallyAnn better. "Funny."

"No, I mean it," said SallyAnn, boldly running a finger along Su's jawline. "Unless you want one of the idiots pointing at you. In which case, no harm, no foul."

Eyes darting around the room, Su collapsed a little on herself as her tipsy giggling trailed off. There was in fact no one else in residence that caught her eye, the pointing farce just seemed like a bad idea all around, and SallyAnn was... rather attractive, when it came down to it. Su pulled a small smile and sat up. "I like chocolate, tea, Paris, shortbread, Potions, the Tower of London, puppies, museums, Sanrio, the color orange, my mobile phone, the smell of bacon first thing in the morning and almost all plaids; I hate coffee and ferris wheels, tiny yappy dogs, mainstream pop music, boats, any sort of seafood, most reptiles and any novels that lure you into reading them only to discover that they're trashy romance in disguise."

SallyAnn laughed and held her glass close as she looked up the ceiling, as if contemplating this. "I adore chocolate, I can do museums, I have a cat larger than most dogs and I have no problem avoiding boats." She leaned in over the side of the chair, "And I do in fact have bacon at my flat, and have no compunction against serving breakfast in bed. Even on my Hello Kitty sheets."

###

Keenly aware of the shrinking group and with no illusions as to where most of them were disappearing, Hannah half-raised a hand and said loudly, "Maybe we should forget about the pointing thing...?"

"No no," mused Hermione aloud as she tapped a finger to her chin. "I still agree with Tracey. I think the pointing would be fascinating."

Ron frowned at her again, considering another well-placed "NUH UH", but settling for a snort of disgust as he finally decided to keep his mouth shut.

Neville cleared his throat and finally half-murmured, "What.... what if you want to point to a couple people?"

Another ripple of conversation ran through the room, and Pansy all but barked a laugh. "...I always knew you were a kinky bastard, Longbottom."

"Not at once!" clarified a very red-faced Neville. "Just. There's more than one person I'd... errr..."

###

As Millicent worked on batting her substantial eyelashes at both Crabbe and Goyle elsewhere in the room, Daphne covered the hand on her thigh with her own as she whispered low to Theo. "What's it worth for me to point to you, hmm?"

Theo whispered back, "Depends on what you're offering after the pointing." Nevertheless, he withdrew his hand to find the quill in the inside pocket of his jacket and began to make a list on a napkin.

Crabbe leaned in to take a better look at Millicent's malfunction. "Something in your eye, Mill?"

Beginning to cotton on to Millicent's game, Goyle put together what he'd understood of the night's conversation and the fact that Millicent was refilling their rum punch, her intent slowly filtering in and finding a warm if rather belated reception. "Oh, uh. Vince? Maybe we better. Go help Mill with her eye."

###

Seamus exchanged a look with Dean and shrugged. "Aye, Nev's got a point."

Adjusting her glasses, Padma observed, "You realize it would require several rounds to sort out."

Hermione nodded thoughtfully. "We may have to do this by a sort of bilateral runoff election points system."

Dean nudged Hermione's back with a gentle elbow. "English, now?"

"We all make a list of who we want most to go with," Hermione said. "Then someone looks at all the lists and tries to put people with as many of their first choices as possible."

Busy shifting from foot to foot, Ron grumbled, "Sounds...err. Complicated."

###

Oblivious to the negotiation past the confines of their armchair, Daphne leaned in and murmured to Theo, "Lacy knickers. Slytherin ties as a restraining system." She licked her lower lip and added, "Fudge ice lollies."

Theo held up the napkin on which he'd scribbled his end of the deal. "Guaranteed oral. Breakfast tomorrow. Fantasy of your choice."

With a predatory grin, Daphne held her hand out for Theo to shake. "Done."

"Brilliant," said Theo as he shook her hand firmly. "Your place or mine?"

Daphne smirked and let his hand drop back onto her thigh. "Mine." She nuzzled his ear as she scooted ever closer. "My parents are in Switzerland and don't plan to come back anytime soon."

Letting that hand slide up her thigh and around her arse, Theo all but pulled her into his lap and growled, "If you'll do the honors of Apparating?"

###

Pansy's head popped up at the multiple cracks of Apparations around her, noting unsurprised that Theo and Daphne were gone, though one eyebrow crawled delicately upward as she also noted Millicent, Crabbe and Goyle's absence as well. Turning to slump further against her armrest and holding her drink out for someone to refill, she deadpanned, "Well, it just got a little less complicated."

As Anthony refilled Pansy's glass (what? he was the closest, and she clearly needed it), Dean muttered, "Sodding Slytherins."

Hermione sighed and crossed her arms, considering for a moment longer before moving into action again. "Well, let's get organized, at least. If you want to sleep with a boy, go over there," she said loud enough to be heard by everyone, and indicating the side nearest the fireplace, before pointing to the opposite side and adding, "If you want to sleep with a girl, go over there."

Looking even more nervous, Neville murmured, "But..."

Hannah edged closer to Susan in the corner of their sofa, venturing. "Y'know, we're doing a lot of assuming there! What if some us would rather not do this at all?!"

The remaining population of the room was again united in a chorus of snickering, snorting, guffawing and outright laughter, the general consensus seeming to be that Hannah's was a ridiculous suggestion.

Susan elbowed Hannah before placing a soothing hand on her arm. She leaned in and whispered, "Shh. You know this'll be interesting." With a smirk unbecoming a Hufflepuff, she added, "Just be quick about who you want."

A little more loudly but no less nervous, Neville said, "But. Um..."

Exasperated, Hermione huffed, "Yes, Neville, what?"

Now equally annoyed, Neville finally turned to face Hermione and exclaimed, "I can't be in two places at once, Hermione!"

Flushing bright red, Anthony pointed at Neville without quite looking at him. "What he said!"

"Oh," Hermione blinked as what Neville had been trying to say became clear. "OH!"

Pansy threw her head back and laughed, covering her mouth with one hand and pointing at Neville with the other. "I knew it! I always knew you were a kinky bastard."

Dean patted Neville on the back as he hid his face in his hands and muttered, "Ohmygod. This isn't happening."

Justin snickered. "There there, Nev." He took hold of Anthony's shoulder and steered him to the sofa conveniently set squarely in the middle of the room, shoved him back onto it and then slumped unconcernedly next to him. "You've got friends in the middle."

The situation was completely out of control. Hermione sighed and shook her head, turning to look at Ron. "Alright. Are we doing this, or do I flop in the middle there with them," she pointed toward Anthony and Justin, "and try and continue to direct this farce from there?"

In somewhat of an overload, Ron sputtered, "I. We. But. They. But." He finally crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes at her. "Hermione."

Fascinated and possibly more than a little turned on, Pansy eyes widened as Neville shuffled away from where Ron and Hermione stood staring one another down and sat carefully between Anthony and Justin. "Oh my god! They're all kinky bastards!"

###

Padma had edged closer to Parvati and was whispering quietly. Parvati was either nodding or shaking her head at intervals as Padma cast furtive glances around the room, though not making it obvious as to who in particular she might be discussing.

On the other hand, Dean and Seamus murmured only a few words between them, then high-fived. Seamus pointed at Padma and grinned winningly, "Can we have you both?" Dean also put on his best sparkling grin, looking rather pleased by their plot.

Padma and Parvati fixed them with an appraising stare and then resumed their consulting for a moment before Padma, looked up and asked gravely, "Which for which?"

Seamus and Dean didn't bother consulting. Dean raised an amused eyebrow and said, "Parvati," even as Seamus bounced on the balls of his feet, threw his hands out and grinned, "You, of course."

Parvati and Padma stood as one, nodding sagely and saying simultaneously, "Let's go."

###

Hermione set her hands on her hips, no closer to winning this staredown with the most stubborn, pig-headed, thick-skulled excuse for a Gryffindor she had ever met. Eyes narrow, she shrugged viciously. "Fine," she snarled and turned away from Ron in the direction of the center sofa. "Alright, everyone else. We--"

"Oh, sod that," said Ron, rolling his eyes and grabbing her arm, leaving out the bothersome thought to repercussions or what might come next and pulled her close, his mouth crashing onto hers with the force of seven years of unresolved tension. Hermione's eyes fluttered shut, her hands flailing a bit as they came to a rest on his chest.

Pansy exhaled a loud and slightly tipsy, "Pffft," as she pointed at Ron and Hermione. "Like no one saw THAT coming!"

Hannah and Susan bumped shoulders and tilted their heads to coo, "Awwww!!"

"Someone go get Blaise," Pansy sneered. "Whether he's done pounding Smith or not, I won't be the only one scarred forever by this display." When no one answered immediately, she looked around and realized that there were no Slytherins left in the room. "What the devil--"

Forgotten in their corner, Ginny looked up from her intent toying with the laces of Luna's top to pipe up, "Oh, they left. Seems the punching only led to rolling, and that led to inflation of the nether regions and there was mutual dragging upstairs. I guess they decided there were better ways of making one another other their bitch." She turned to Luna with an exaggerated questioning look. "Or would that be 'bitches'?"

"What?!" Pansy stood, stomping her boot. "Oh. Oh, no," she snarled as she pulled a delicate, silver hip flask from its garter high on her thigh and dumped in an extra measure of amber liquid into her punch. "I will NOT be picked last."

Luna shrugged as Pansy took a deep, shuddering drink and released Ginny's wrist in order to point at the sofa in the middle of the room. "Take the boy harem," she suggested in a dreamily matter-of-fact sort of way.

Pansy swallowed as she looked up, narrowing her eyes at the three of them, the corner of her mouth turning upward just barely. " I would eat. You. Alive."

Equal parts nervous and intrigued, Neville sat forward. "Yes please?"

Still studying them intently, Pansy cocked her head and stood. She stalked forward, gesturing in Luna's direction. "The mad girl has a point. Are you obedient? House trained?"

Anthony answered readily, "Yes! I mean. Er. I am." He shrunk slightly back under her gaze. "I think. Ma'am."

Justin smirked insolently, throwing an arm around Anthony's shoulder. "If he isn't, can I watch you discipline him?"

Eyeing him openly, Pansy said, "I suspect you are the one I'll have to discipline." Decision made, she snapped her fingers. "The three of you, follow me."

Neville stood up first, still managing to look down and yet sort of at Pansy. "...Y-y-yes ma'am?"

"Good boy," smiled Pansy, showing too many teeth as she patted his cheek. "Now march."

Justin stood too, his eyes on Pansy, as he fisted a hand in the front of Anthony's shirt and dragged him up to his feet with a cheeky grin. "Yes. Ma'am."

Pansy's nose twitched, and she swatted Justin's arse. "I said march." She turned on her heel and didn't wait to see if they were following; the unmistakable sounds of the resultant scramble to do so said it all.

Luna cheered, "Well done Neville!" and Neville hazarded an embarrassed, yet unmistakably pleased little grin for Luna as he left the room.

"Our little boy's all grown," snickered Ginny, who then attempted to stifle a tide of impending giggles against Luna's shoulder, hand creeping around her middle as she murmured, "Fucking Brilliant you are."

"Mmmhmm," nodded Luna as she reached up to tugtug on Ginny's hair. "Maybe she'll let us watch, too."

###

Ernie blinked at Justin's smug nod, delivered as he slouched out after Anthony, remarking to no one in particular, "Well. I say! This is highly irregular."

Susan elbowed Hannah unsubtly and cocked her head in the somewhat gobsmacked Ernie's direction. Hannah took a last drink of her punch, shoved the empty cup into Susan's hands and stood. She walked over to where Ernie sat and hovered in front of him for a moment before allowing a small smile to creep up. "Ernie. You are just the most sometimes." With that, she unceremoniously flopped into his lap. "Mind if I watch the rest from here?"

"I-I-I---" Ernie stuttered and blinked, trying to swallow and form a sentence - hell, even a word at a time might do. "Watch. Yes, sure. Alright." His inner Macmillan, however, was shouting, "God! Oh god! THERE IS A GIRLTHING IN MY LAP," and Ernie was a little too worked up to worry about the fact that the 'anxiety voice' in his head had a name of its own and seemed to speak chiefly in capital letters.

Terry took the opportunity to move into Hannah's vacated space, stretching lazily and then very predictably letting his arm come to a rest loosely across Susan's shoulders. "See?" he nodded. "I knew this'd sort itself out nicely."

Eyeing Terry sideways and somewhat dubiously, Susan thought for a moment before speaking. "You there. Boot. Herbology nerd, yeah?"

"That's me," Terry grinned. "Now, don't take this the wrong way, but I've been watching your arse wriggle over the flowerpots since fifth year."

Susan couldn't help an incredulous laugh. "You've watched my arse wriggle?"

Perhaps the tiniest bit sheepish, Terry rubbed his nose with the pad of his thumb and murmured, "Yeah. When you're weeding, and you've got a tough one, it kind of..." He used the same free hand to mimic a gentle sway with his cupped hand. "It's really cute."

Staring, Susan burst out laughing again. "Right. And tell me, are the rumors about the plants you grow for extra credit entirely true?"

Terry beamed. "Entirely true, every one. Except for the one about killing firsties for fertilizer." Buoyed by his success so far, he raised a salacious eyebrow. "Wanna come up and see my clippings?"

"Mmm. I find clippings so interesting," she grinned. Never having seriously considered Terry in any capacity before, and probably never having said more to him than 'pass the pruning shears, please', Susan shot a look over at where Hannah was otherwise entertained and knew that she wouldn't be missed. Raising a matching eyebrow at Terry, she made an impulsive decision. She stood and held a hand out to him. "Show me."

###

At the top of Mandy and Lisa's list in probably-compatible sexuality - Ron Weasley. Bottom of the list - Draco Malfoy (his only real competition for the position had been Harry Potter, which was nothing new). Of course, when Harry and Draco disappeared straightaway, Mandy and Lisa were both vindicated and annoyed that their pool of Quidditch players had dwindled by two.

Weighting factors such as 'speed', 'strength', 'endurance', 'agility', 'season stats' and 'overall fitness', and disregarding those already spoken for (Weasley was also out, if the way Granger was clutching at him was any indication. Lord, she may as well have pissed on his leg), one male stood out above the rest.
Michael Corner. He was perfect, and a Ravenclaw, no less. There was only one hitch in the plan- One Michael Corner; two members of the Turpin-Brocklehurst Confederation.

"Alright. How do we manage this?" whispered Mandy.

"Odds and evens?" ventured Lisa, not sounding altogether convinced, herself.

Conflicted, Mandy glanced from Michael to Lisa and back. "He's so pretty."

"So true." Lisa was doing the same thing, though her gaze lingered on Mandy as she lifted an eyebrow, a thought clearly forming as her plotty grin spread. "Darling-- how straight are you, again?"

###
Ernie in the meantime was attempting to keep from actually saying out loud, "OH GOD. I HAVE A LAPFUL OF GIRLTHING," sure that his wildly dilated eyes and uncontrollable breathing might give him away at any rate.

Fortuitously tuned into his idiosyncracies thanks to seven years of close association, Hannah dealt with this by petting his chest soothingly. "So if I kissed you, would your brain really sort of... reset?"

The only thing that seemed to be roaring in Ernie's head was, "HOLYSHITE KISSING!" even as he sniffed, confused. "Reset?"

Hannah smiled indulgently. "Yes, Ernie. Reset. Like this."

The hand on his chest paused as she leaned in for a long kiss and Ernie's mind all but melted down. Was that resetting? Because he was certainly all set other places; secret happy places that were currently pleasantly weighted down by a LAPFUL OF GIRLTHING.
"That's more like it," Hannah grinned mischievously, beginning to thoroughly enjoy this. "Now stop listening to that ridiculous loudspeaker in your head, and put your hand here," she said, as reached behind her back for his hand and placed if firmly on her arse, "and do that again."

Ernie's hand sort of convulsively squished Hannah's firm arse, relaxing as he repeated the process and settled into more of a smooth kneading motion, convincing himself that he could do it. (LAP OR NOT, OHMYGOD.) Bravely, he ignored his internal monologue long enough to blurt, "There is no sixth year. I had coffee with her once and she said I should stop talking to myself."

"I know." Hannah said without recrimination as she bumped her forehead gently to his, wriggling down on his lap as much for her benefit as his. "I heard," she murmured as she nipped at his lip. "Stop thinking."

###

Mandy and Lisa exchanged a nod and stood as one to approach their quarry, who seemed busy casting longing glances in Ginny and Luna's direction.

"Hello, Michael," said Mandy with the sweetest smile known to mankind, letting Lisa carry the conversation forward while Mandy pushed Lisa's hair back from her shoulder, fingers brushing her neck.

"Were you planning to play along with this farce the Gryffindors seem to think passes for a plan?" asked Lisa, more predatory as she absently reached up to pet Mandy's elbow.

Granted, at first, Michael hadn't been paying too much attention to them. But then there'd been inappropriate stroking and... well... he was a simple bloke when it came down to it. Arithmancy? History? Ancient Runes? Charms? Quidditch? Michael was more than brilliant. Girls touching one another? Reduced him to minion Hufflepuff firstie status. And honestly, he was somewhat unapologetic about it.

"I--I-- hello?" he said, flashing a confused grin that left so many dimples and flashing teeth in its wake, it was generally known as one of his unwitting secret weapons.

Mandy managed to stifle a whimper by biting her lower lip and leaning her chin on Lisa's shoulder. "Because, as far as plans go, it's a somewhat flawed plan."

Yes. He was officially fascinated by the play of Mandy's olive skin against Lisa's pale ivory. It was definitely a weakness. Like Achilles (the interpretation that featured a purely platonic relationship with Patroclus, of course)-- A young, beautiful hero--

"Michael?"

He quickly dropped his fists from his waist to his sides again and offered up yet another winning grin. "Yes, ladies?"

Lisa and Mandy exchanged a look that silently conveyed a drop in Michael's standings. It didn't necessarily change their target, though-- after all, he was a man. Ravenclaw or not, what more could be expected of him?

Done toying with him now that it was clear he was interested, Lisa moved in and tugged on his tie. "We're willing to play if you are."

Mandy slid her arms around Lisa's middle, setting the fingers of one hand on Michael's stomach between them, the other clearly possessive around her best friend. "For your first year out of the amateur leagues, you'd be doing rather well, I'd say."

Michael's eyes were absolutely riveted on the scene at hand, his advanced language skills all but obliterated as he growled, "Uh huh. Play."

###
Hermione had finally found the hand that had been flailing not so long ago was best served hooked around Ron's neck and that it was a supremely good thing that the arm of the sofa was solid against the backs of her thighs, as it was doing the lion's share of holding her up. The lack of oxygen from the snog that threatened to never end might have caused her legs to collapse under her and she might have been forced to worry about the potential for chaos going on around her. Which at this point? She was not worried one whit about. In fact, she sort of mumbled between shifts of tongue and mouth and rapidly swelling lips, "Mmph-- Fuck it," which really should have been an indication of just how out of her mind she was being driven; in the first place, to not care about being in control of the situation at hand, and second, to stoop to such vulgar slang.

In his quest to explore every last square millimeter of Hermione's mouth, Ron had slipped a hand up into her hair, the other still cupping her cheek but finally making the trip down the side of her neck. As his thumb brushed her collarbone, he nearly tripped over his own feet and ended up leaning harder, all pressed up against Hermione. He was past hearing her swear and even past caring that he'd overbalanced her and was following her in a swift descent over the arm rest and onto the sofa.

Hermione for her part knew the minute she felt herself fall that she was taking Ron with her, as there was absolutely no way in the seven hells she was going to let go now. He landed on her with an 'oof' that was more a hard inhale, and she still wasn't about to let go.

Panting, Ron lifted his head to look at Hermione, also very nearly gasping for breath, reaching up to brush a stray lock of wayward hair away from her face. He shifted to set his knees on the sofa on either side of hers to take his weight off of her somewhat, settling with the length of his body comfortably pressed to hers. His goofy, crooked grin was interrupted as he pulled his lower lip between his teeth before he opened his mouth ostensibly to speak, yet nothing would come. No stupid joke, no inadvertent prophecy or offhand deep truth; nothing could describe the thoughts in his head at the moment.
Fortunately, Ginny was ready with her own as she caught sight of them, her face twisting in a grimace as she pointed and cried, "Oh! Oh no! FOUL! Take that somewhere else!"

Ron raised a hand to flip his sister off, and went back to snogging Hermione for lack of something deep to say, running his fingers along the edge of bared skin at her midriff where her top had pulled up. She shifted and sighed underneath him and he took this as tacit approval to set the flat of his hand against the soft flesh over her ribs and under her shirt, thumb skimming her warm, warm skin, the presence of anyone else in the room completely forgotten again.
Ginny nearly crawled into Luna's lap, refusing to look up, and mumbling, "For all that it needed to happen, for Merlin's sake, can they just please take it somewhere else? Please? That's my brother."

Just then, Justin threw one of the doors open and didn't quite enter the room. Shirtless, his trousers half-undone, a livid purple mark practically glowing against his pale skin rather high on his chest, he braced his hand on the door frame. "Miss Pansy says I should apologize to everyone for my belligerent behavior. I'm very, very sorry," he smirked, clearly not even a little contrite.

Distracting one of her hands from the task of covering Ginny's ears, Luna waved magnanimously in his direction, "No worries! Sexual frustration does that."

"...Right," grinned Justin. "That's done. 'Scuse me," he said, as he ducked out again.
From her position with one eye smashed against Luna's chest, Ginny snorted a giggle. "Is it me, or are his nipples pierced?"

###

Truth be told, there was more than one reason that Lavender was relatively untouched by any boy at the age of seventeen. She'd known from the first slobbery kisses with Ron that it just wasn't something she cared to take any further than that. Her reasons for clinging to him for as long as she has were many and varied, beginning with beating Hermione to something for once, and ending with a craving for normal that nail varnish and the perfect hair just couldn't satisfy. Needless to say, it hadn't worked.

Of course, having just seen as Zacharias had so ably put it, the boy hero of the Wizarding world slip away not-so-quietly with his much-publicized, and clearly also male, rival... well. Suddenly it seemed a little more ok. No one said these things had to make sense.

Unthinkably chewing one sacrificial nail as people skipped off in pairs (or more!) of seemingly indiscriminate gender, her eyes kept sliding to the one person that she'd kept more than an eye on for years now. The one person with as much of an affinity for Divination as she and Parvati had; who made study groups bearable when all they Saw was death and destruction.

Morag had been sitting in spare chair at the furthest end of the room from all the commotion, shunned by her fellow Ravenclaws for her Sight. It was a difficult burden to bear, truly, to be a Seer in a houseful of pseudo-intellectuals dying to call her a hack. Her! It was no surprise to her that she'd had to suppress her desire to discuss Divination just somewhat fit in and keep the peace. Still, she could See that this would not end well for her just by examining the patterns of condensation of her glass of punch, and decided to slip out.

Lavender frowned as she saw Morag leave her seat, her stomach in a knot pondering just who she might be after, but when she saw the Ravenclaw heading for the door, Lavender knew she had to do something. In the rush to block Morag's path and beat her to the door, Lavender nearly knocked over her own chair but managed to slide into the doorway just in time. She smiled as though she were out of practice and tossed a lock of hair back over her shoulder.

"Hi," said Lavender, out of breath due not only to the short run, speaking fast and determined to get it all out. "I have a copy of the Lesbian Kama Sutra in my room and at least ten dog-eared pages filled with things that I not only want to try but would love to try on you. Err. With you."

"You? But. I never..." Morag's eyes went wide, darting obviously from where Ron and Hermione were... err. Doing what they were doing and back to Lavender. She hissed out, "But you're straight."

Lavender narrowed her eyes. "You'd think I would know."

Morag bit her lip, so very tempted. "But--"

Sighing dramatically (because the drama helped cover any sort of hesitance she might still feel), Lavender pointed to emphasize her words. "Me." Point. "You." Point. "Experiment?" She snapped her fingers and suddenly her room key was dangling from her finger.

Morag eyed the key. Then Lavender. Then the key. Then Lavender. What did she have to lose? Gain? Was there something she was missing in the angle of th--

"Oh, sod it," Morag mumbled with a last look over her shoulder at what was going on in the room behind them. "Yes, please," she said as she grabbed for the key with one hand, Lavender's hand with the other and dashed off.

###

Ginny elbowed Luna and pointed after where Lavender was disappearing with Morag, her tone fatally smug. "I always knew she was queer."

Luna shrugged and leaned, her hand high on Ginny's thigh as she said, "It's in her aura," in a tone that indicated she might be kidding. Or that then again, she might not.

###

Hermione's hand was flailing for her wand this time, past trying not to make gasping sounds as Ron worked his mouth down her neck, past caring whether there were other people in the room though her shirt was half-undone from either end. "Home," she said, clearly having some difficulty with her bossy tone. "Out. Somewhere else. Oh! Hello!"

"Mmph! Not the Burrow! Mum's there!" Ron rumbled between making little sucking marks on her throat, though he finally did pull his sneaky fingers away from exploring to help her find her wand.

Momentarily horrified, Hermione pushed at Ron's shoulders to try and get his attention. "No! That would-- that would be bad. yes. Terrrr-" She obviously wasn't pushing him away hard enough as his fingers found a nipple and tweaked it through the plain fabric of her bra, trigging interruption due to incoherent noise. "Terrible. Wait wait --" Hermione breathed and squirmed again. "Didn't you and Harry get a room?!"

Entirely too smug over the shrill quality of her voice at the word, 'room', repeated the combination of teeth and fingertips, even though the idea of a 'room' was a far more appetizing one than going any further here. "Brilliant," he breathed. "Isn't as though Harry's using it, after all." Ron forgot to be nauseous for once as to why, and concentrated instead on repeating his newfound discovery once more for good measure.

Hermione's back arched up hard at that 'one last for good measure'. Hard enough to roll Ron off of her and off of the sofa and making it his turn to hit the ground with an 'oof' as she landed on him. Panting, hair falling around around her face, Hermione fisted a handful of Ron's shirt and pulled hard enough to bring his shoulders up off of the ground, as she drew her wand and growled, "Upstairs."

Ron tilted his hips hard to force her forward so that he could kiss her again, mumbling an unintelligible agreement. Forced to brace her hand on the ground next to his head, Hermione smirked and Apparated them both upstairs, in absolutely no way a result of Ginny's muffled pleas to go somewhere else. They hadn't even heard her.

Once they disappeared, Luna ducked her head to murmur to Ginny, "You can come out now, they're gone." Luna giggled as Ginny shook her head, face still buried firmly against Luna' chest. "Or not."

###

Scratching his eyebrow, Kevin sidled up to Megan and grinned, not nearly as polished as all that given he was trying not to think about the situation as it stood. There couldn't be more than a handful of people left in the room all loosely clustered along the hearth side of the room. In fact, he told himself that they were probably all sitting out the situation because they weren't attached to the idea of running off with anyone in particular, or weren't brave enough to do something about anyone they might want to run off with before that someone ran off with someone else.

Bah. Ravenclaws think too hard. Fact was, Kevin was a coward and it had taken him this long to say anything at all, meaning he'd clearly missed the person he was most interested in, as she was nowhere to be seen. Megan had always seemed so nice, though-- it couldn't hurt to try.

"Hi," he began, proud of his ability to do that much without stuttering or stopping. "So, I suppose--"

Unfortunately, Megan chose that exact moment to slap him hard across the face.

"What did I say?" she snarled. "Do I look easy just because I'm last? That's not easy. That's choosy. That's not buying into this farce blindly because some bunch of stupid Gryffindors thought it'd be a great idea to do this en masse."

Tracey sitting nearby with a wineglass balanced on the knee crossed over the other burst out laughing.

Kevin pressed a hand to his cheek and said, "Well. I-- Um."

Still smirking, Tracey downed her drink, stood and smoothed out her skirt. "You had that coming, you know."

"Come on," he said, not looking for much else than sympathy. "You--"

This time it was Tracey that stopped him with a full-arm slap. "How dare you?! What-- Megan won't sleep with you so it must be my job? I don't think so."

Indignant, Kevin said with a grimace, "What the bloody hell is wrong with you two?"

"Not a thing," said Megan, trying to stifle her own laughter. Turning an evaluating glance on Tracey, she continued to grin as she said, "I like the way you think."

"Do you now?" said Tracey, setting her glass carefully down and moving closer. "I find that I do in fact appreciate the way you think."

"Mmmhmm," Megan grinned. "Care to go somewhere and think together?"

"What happened to not following the ideas of idiot Gryffindors?" said Tracey, head tilted and smirking.

"That was when it was him--" she pointed at Kevin, "--suggesting I ought. Now I'm choosing to do so."

"Hey!" said Kevin, still indignant, not that it did him any good.

"I'm going to have to keep an eye on you, aren't I?" Tracey said to Megan, ignoring him completely.

"You could do that," said Megan, holding out a hand. "I have mirrors."

Tracey threw her head back and laughed, took Megan's hand and a moment later they were gone.

Kevin turned to his roommate. "Did you see that?!"

"Huh?" said Stephen, still sitting too close to Wayne (or rather, Wayne's mouth appeared to be sitting too close to Stephen's ear), not-so-surreptitiously toying with the hand kneading his knee. "See what?"

Exasperated and in no way shocked, Kevin flopped in the chair nearest the sofa and dropped his head into his hand. "That's just great." He snorted a bitter laugh. "I mean, it isn't as if I'm interested in the two of you. No offense, mate."

"Hmm," sighed Stephen. "About that. See, we're about to head back to the flat, and it'd probably be best if you... you know. Found somewhere else to stay for the night."

Brow furrowed, Kevin turned slowly to look at him, clearly displeased. "Excuse me?"

"Well," said Stephen, shifting, his sofa-side hand disappearing in time with the tightening of Wayne's fingers on his knee. "See, I have this fantasy about the fireplace I'd like to indulge. I also have the distinct impression that I might be a screamer, and if you're there then..."

Kevin shut his eyes in horror, trying to tune out Wayne's grumbled, "If you're not, you will be."

"Just go," Kevin muttered, feeling around the table nearest him for any available glass, not caring at this point in time what might be in it.

"Thanks, mate!" said Stephen brightly. Kevin wasn't watching, but Stephen paused to tilt his head in his direction. "I didn't see who Eloise left with, if that's any consolation."

"What?" Kevin sputtered. "Why would I even--"

Stephen stopped him in his tracks with a look and a simple statement. "Seven years in the same dorm room."

"Fine," Kevin ground out. "Then why the sodding hell would that be a consolation?"

"Dunno," Stephen shrugged. "Trying to be helpful."

Kevin waved his hand. "Go."

"Done," said Stephen and Disapparated along with Wayne, leaving the room silent but for the quiet, maddening giggles of the two girls in the corner who shouldn't even bloody well be here given they weren't even in the same year and he didn't want to hear about proximity to the boy who--

"What did he mean by that?"

Kevin's head came up with lightning speed and he looked around the empty room trying to find the source of the voice.

"Oh. Sorry," said the naggingly familiar voice, and suddenly there was a shimmering in an armchair placed outside of the main body of the gathering.

"I put a Disillusionment charm on myself after Weasley started talking about pointing," said Eloise as she shimmered back into view and sat forward. "Generally I'm picked last for anything, if at all, so I decided to make myself scarce without drawing attention to myself for having left early." She looked down, sheepish. "Not very Gryffindor, I know."

Kevin's mouth went dry, likely from all the gaping, and he slapped a hand over it to try and compensate for not being able to quite control his jaw well enough to shut it. "But-- you--" he paused, remembering what happened last time he said 'you' to a female and held his hands up placatingly. "Don't slap me."

Eloise giggled, a sweet, melodic sound somehow fitted perfectly to her large eyes and softly rounded features. "I saw that, too. I'm sorry for laughing."

"Ah--" he said dismissively, still too shocked to register that she was actually there, much less that he was talking to her and not quite making a fool of himself. "Tracey hits like a girl. Megan though-- that woman has an arm on her." Of course, he'd already been made a fool of quite enough this evening, and perhaps he'd filled his quota.

"Stephen, though," said Eloise, twisting the hem of her skirt. "I heard him say my name. What was that about?"

"Oh," said Kevin, rubbing the back of his neck. "That, um. That. Was because..."

"You cared about whether I'd gone or not?" Eloise finished helpfully, though she was no longer quite looking at him and flushed to about the same extent.

Kevin grimaced and ventured tentatively, "I did."

"So... why? That is, why didn't you say anything earlier?" she asked, now hazarding a look up, a hint of a smile playing on her lips.

"I... err. I'm terrible." Kevin stopped himself, laughed nervously and added, "I'm terrible at talking to people. It's all usually filled with 'err' and 'um' and 'did you hear about the Great Plague?'"

"I have," said Eloise.

"Huh?"

"Heard about the Great Plague," Eloise added with a small grin.

Kevin snickered and wiped his palms on his thighs, before setting them on the armrests of his chair and standing. "See talking about plague is far easier that talking about--" he made a on-and-on gesture with his hand, "--what was going on here. That, err. Makes me a little--"

"Puts you out of your depth?"

"Yes, yes. That's it. Thank you," he said. "If I'd thought of Disillusioning myself, I would have. Some Ravenclaw, eh?"

Eloise snickered and there was a bit of an awkward silence and then they both began speaking at the same time, stopped, laughed and repeated the process once more before Eloise held her hand up. "Wait. You first."

"Oh! I um. Don't have anything important to say. I was just thinking that if you wanted..." said Kevin, his hands reflexively jammed in his pockets. "If you wanted, you could give me your Floo address and I'd call you up sometime. If you wanted me to."

"Oh! Well. That's... alright. It's just that my elderly tante works at the Floo Authority and named my connection," said Eloise, standing, rubbing her wrists together in front of her. "You can find me at 'Lolo's Flat'."

Kevin grinned, crossed his arms and looked down. "Lolo?"

"Long story," said Eloise, waving it off. "Oh god. I think she thought I'd never have to give it to anyone."

"Hey-- um. What were you going to say?" said Kevin, privately adding 'Lolo' to the end of the question, which in turn made him smile more.

"Me?" said Eloise with a nervous nod. "I... was going to say that I heard that you don't have a place to stay tonight, So you know, if you wanted, you could come stay at my flat. It's small, but there's enough room."

"Yes he does!" shouted Ginny from the completely forgotten corner of the room, immediately shushed by the only other voice in the room that didn't belong to either Kevin or Eloise.

"Oh!" said Kevin as if he hadn't already said it innumerable times, palms sweaty all over again. "I-- I could! If that was alright? I mean, we wouldn't have to--"

"We could talk about plague if that made you feel better?" she offered and Kevin burst out laughing

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry I didn't... I didn't try this earlier," he managed.

It was Eloise's turn to eloquently grunt, "Huh?

"Talking. To you," said Kevin.

"Oh! Oh, yes, you should have," said Eloise edging closer. "You seem to be doing just fine."

Kevin pressed an icy, clammy hand to the burning hot back of his own neck. His eyes went a little wider when she held out a hand.

"I don't bite," Eloise said with a smile. "At least I don't think I do."

He couldn't help another laugh as he took it.

###

Luna looked up at that last crack, heaved a sigh and shoved Ginny away and down onto the table they'd been perched on, ignoring her protest at being distracted from burying her face in Luna's chest.

"Yes, yes. It's very unfair until you consider that we now have the entire conference room to ourselves for a whole... hmm... two more hours," Luna said with was really should have been a more wicked grin than it was as she climbed over and straddled Ginny's hips.

"Whatever shall we do?" asked Ginny, pushing up onto her elbows, the corner of her lip turned up in a smirk wicked enough to make up for Luna's.

"Oh!" said Luna, brightly, dipping down to press her lips to Ginny's throat. "I know!"

"Maybe what these poor sods couldn't manage in seven or so years for all that they were a year ahead of us?"

"We did work that out rather quickly," said Luna by way of an excuse, worrying her fifteenth-favorite bit of Ginny's skin just there at the juncture of her shoulder and neck.

"We worked this out rather quickly," retorted Ginny in an admirably even tone, even when Luna left off of the nibbling to look up, perplexed.

"We did. Far ahead of schedule, no less. Although I have to say, there were several surprises."

"Pansy and her herd of boys?" Ginny asked, her head thumping back onto the table. "Including Neville?"

"Mmm. And Ron and Hermione," said Luna, leaning to lick a spot on Ginny's jaw that suddenly needed to be licked.

"How exactly was that surprising?" said Ginny, threading a hand up through Luna's hair.

"Exactly. Nothing that should happen ever does with them. I fully expected them to be the last two in the room, fighting over why they were last and also why she's so bossy and he's so uncomplicated."

"To which the only solution would have been doctored chocolate and a five minute headstart," Ginny agreed.

Luna grinned. "I still have some in my purse."

"You," said Ginny, fingers on Luna's chin. "Have always been my favorite person."

"Liar. I've only been your favorite person since you decided to skirtlift."

"Not at all. You were at least in the running for a long while before then."

"That's fair," said Luna agreeably as she popped a chocolate into Ginny's mouth, extracting her fingers from the moist, warm pull of Ginny's lips ever so slowly.

Ginny chewed, swallowed and let it slide down her throat with a groan, back arching up off of the table.

"That however, is not," Luna added, running her chocolate-streaked fingertips down Ginny's ribcage under her shirt.

"Are we working on our own year next weekend?" said Ginny as she flailed out for Luna's bag and rooted around for more of the chocolate.

Luna grinned and snapped the chocolate out of Ginny's hand, talking through her mouthful.

"Absltly."

###