(no subject)
Hi everyone!! You guys have no idea how stoked I am to be here. Thank you so much, gunderpants for putting the comm together!!
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Title: A Trip to the Zoo
Author: corvidae9
Rating: R
Word Count: ~2000
Warnings: craaaaaack, author and requestor insertion (into the fic, pervs)
Summary: The latest stop on an open-ended holiday ends predictably. (H/D)
Author's Note: dramaphile dared me to do it, and so I did. At her request, features stoned koalas and inappropriate orangutan behavior. Karyn = ♥♥♥
###
Seems it didn't matter how well or how often Harry hid in plain sight, someone always found him, and by consequence of being attached at the face and other entertaining appendages, Draco. At first Draco hadn't minded at all. What? Further publicity on his innocence? His dangerous and self-sacrificing, last-ditch heroics that had not only earned him his redemption but won him the heart of his schoolyard rival?
Woe. The horror.
But it did reach a point that even he couldn't handle. For example, when the Prophet published an article detailing his predilection for being a noisy bedmate, Draco (and honestly, everyone who was not a very embarrassed Harry) found it infinitely amusing. But when the Quibbler ran a special report on what the empty containers of lube in their rubbish bin could predict about the future (including a mathematical extrapolation as to how often they might be making use of it in order to go through as much as had been found)... well. That had been a little weird. (Needless to say, the frequency they came up with had been completely off as well.)
As such, it never failed. They'd move, be found, charm, hex, ward and booby trap the new house to no avail and move further. Until Harry had a new idea.
"What if--" Harry had said as he levitated the Prophet's top reporter (since Rita Skeeter's mysterious disappearance) up and over their carnivorous hedgerow. "What if we go on holiday and just never come back?"
###
"That is by far, the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen," muttered Draco, and he was probably exaggerating, given that's what he was expected to do. He did it so well, though, it was hard to begrudge it him. (In point of fact, he had seen Ernie Macmillan in a football jersey, riding trousers and strappy heel shoes, which barring apocalypse, would likely be the most ridiculous thing he'd ever seen in his life.) (Bulstrode ever coming up off of all fours was a close second.)
Harry, at his side (as he generally tended to be, unless he was attempting to break laws of physics and physiology --endeavors of which Draco heartily approved), grunted. "Err. They are a bit more boring than I remember them being." The furry gray creature in the unnaturally stunted eucalyptus tree shifted and Harry sighed. "I guess they're just more entertaining when you're a kid."
"Hmm," hummed Draco agreeably. "Or running past while being pursued by the vat of grease that passes for an uncle among the Muggles while shouting, 'I swear! I didn't do anything!"
The profound silence that followed Draco's statement gave away that he'd probably gone too far, but when Draco looked up and caught Harry's expression, he had confirmation of exactly that. Eyes narrowed behind his round glasses generally did nothing for Harry's overall attractivenes, though when coupled with his chronically rumpled hair, they just made him look... grumpy. Naturally, Draco responded in an appropriately sensitive manner.
"What? It's not true?"
Harry's lip twitched but there was no humor evident. "Forget it," he mumbled. "Let's just go."
Ah Damn. Perhaps Draco had gone a bit far.
"No, wait-- look," said Draco, attempting to muster enthusiasm. "It's moving... or its rigored little body is finally being shaken loose from the tree by some sort of carrion animal. Though I suppose it would be falling faster from the branch if that were the case."
Harry snorted a grudging laugh and squeezed the fingers laced through his, and Draco relaxed slightly. Christ, those Muggles and their closet had left a blody mess in their wake, hadn't they? And people still had the nerve to defend them all.
"You're bloody well transparent," murmured Harry, though he sounded less annoyed. Draco wanted to make a snappy remark about Invisibility Cloaks, but he had learned never to go with the first comeback that came to mind, lest he sound too much like-- well. Someone that was known for lame comebacks. Take for example--
"--Hello?"
--Harry, who clearly had been talking as Draco stared through the (barely) animate teddy bear affixed somehow to a useless bloody Australian tree, pondering how best to phrase his witty, witty observation.
"Yes?"
"I said," Harry grumbled, "that maybe they're unhappy here. Maybe the climate's not what they're used to."
"No," piped in a blonde woman only an inch or two shorter than Harry who was not looking at them at all. "The temperature right now is about what they're used to and the enclosures they stay in at night or when they're not out are climate controlled." She finally turned a rueful grin on them and added, "They just spend a lot of time naturally stoned."
Harry snickered again as Draco cocked his head.
"They what? No-- That makes sense. Do the damnable little things secrete the stuff or how does that work?"
The woman had to speak up to be heard over Harry's laughter. "Umm. No. It's the leaves they eat. It sort of... well. Fucks them up good and proper and makes them incredibly boring. They're like-- the antidrug poster children of the animal kingdom."
"Eucalyptus does that?" said Draco, eyebrow raised as he regarded the koalas with a newfound respect. "How is it not a controlled substance?"
"It doesn't have the same effect on humans," said the woman, amused as she turned her attention back on the tiny beasts. "It's actually pretty toxic if ingested. You're better off sticking with a good stiff drink. Now-- if you really want to see fascinating animal behavior, you should go check out the orangutans."
"Oh?" said Draco, doing his best to seem completely oblivious to Harry's continued amusement. "And why would that be?"
"They're always busy," the blonde woman said with a smile that was more a smirk. "They definitely enjoy putting on a show."
Draco was no stranger to that sort of expression. Hell, he felt vaguely as though he should charge her for the use of it. "Really," he drawled, intent on discovering her motives while sounding as though he were supremely disinterested in doing so.
"Hoh yeah," smiled the woman. "Enjoy your visit." She tucked her notebook back under her arm and walked away with a brief wave.
"That was fantastic. You know, people here are nicer than I thought they'd be," said Harry as he returned the gesture.
"Knowitall," grumbled Draco, eyes tracking the woman as she walked away. "Your friend Granger would like her." Draco shuddered and added, "Never mind. I don't even want to think about that."
"About Hermione?" asked Harry, nonplussed.
"Of anyone actually enjoying her company of their own volition," grimaced Draco, adding as Harry swore and rolled his eyes, "Let's go see those apes, hmm?"
###
"They're fantastic," said Draco, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Americans have such discerning taste."
"Shut up," said Harry defensively as he stared at the huge orange-ish ape sitting motionless in a patch of sunlight. "She is fantastic."
"And wields the power of absolute boredo-- oh?"
Draco trailed off, Harry's eyes already tracking the commotion that had stopped him. A pair of the orange-brown apes came suddenly tumbling into view, over the hill and directly toward the thick plexiglass, end over end like carelessly hurled playthings.
"All right. That's neat," conceded Draco as Harry placed his palms flat on the glass.
"Wow," Harry breathed, face split into a grin of unabashed awe and Draco couldn't help but stare, gratified and finally feeling as though this whole ridiculous trip had been worth the trouble and Americans. He stepped up behind Harry and rested his chin on Harry's shoulder, hands sliding around him and up under his sweatshirt. The orangutans tumbled and made very ape sounds and sent the gibbons that shared their enclosure scattering. Harry leaned back into Draco ever so slightly, resettling one hand on Draco's over his own middle.
"Are you happy now you've definitive proof that some of the animals here are indeed alive and not on stupor-inducing organics?" murmured Draco, pulling Harry's earlobe between his teeth. Harry was clearly beside himself with joy and wonder and all that rot, and in his own mind, Draco took the credit entirely, being as he was the kind and considerate soul that had agreed to come to this godforsaken city in the first place. This meant that Harry being happy was directly Draco's doing and made him feel as though he wanted the git to be even more happy... not to mention happy.
To be perfectly frank and free of bad euphemisms, Draco wanted Harry now, so with a quick glance around, thankful for quiet weekdays, Draco's hand crept slowly downward out from under the safe haven of the Volcom hoodie they picked up from the shop where every other word from everyone was 'dude'. Harry squirmed as Draco's fingers plucked at his belt buckle in passing, hissing a breath as Draco rasped in his ear, "Think it's time to go."
Smug as hell, Draco kneaded the bulge in Harry's trousers once, as unobtrusively as possible given he was palming his lover's cock in plain sight at the bloody zoo. Harry shivered, his fingers tightening over Draco's though the hoodie as he leaned harder against Draco. "Haven't even seen half the --mmph-- zoo."
"Doesn't matter," murmured Draco, repeating the motion of his wrist. "It'll be here tomorrow." His tongue darted out to taste the skin just south of Harry's ear. "We'll come back with the Invisibility Cloak and go straight to the reptile house and you can fuck me up against the glass to the tune of an unending stream of Parseltongue."
Harry groaned and sagged against him, already breathing unevenly. "God, yes. Please."
That last filthy suggestion might've done Draco in as well. He licked his lips unsteadily as he reached into his pocket for his wand and after only a cursory glace about, Apparated them both away and back to the hotel overlooking the bay.
Not that they spent much time looking at the bay.
###
The blond woman grinned hugely from her vantage point at the other end of the orangutan habitat, the large, open design of the enclosure giving her an uninterrupted line of sight to the two English boys currently indulging in a show of naughty hands and dirty innuendo.
"God but I love when they kiss," she mused aloud to the short, round brunette standing nearby.
"Mmhmm," the brunette sighed, adjusting her glasses and pointpointing, "Look at that hand. That's a full-on grope. Fucking fantastic." She wrinkled her nose and as she cocked her head toward where the two tumbling orangutans had landed in a pile and had proceeded to get inappropriate. "Ergh, though as much as I dig hot girl-on-girl, I could do without the orangutan love. I'm strictly into humans."
"They can't help it. Proof positive girls everywhere think hot boys should kiss more often. Now if they'd just --wait--" The blonde frowned. "Where'd they go?"
Expression telegraphing total confusion, the brunette frowned, too. "Butbut... they were just... well. Shit." She shifted back onto her heels with a disappointed sigh.
"Damn," sighed the blonde, tossing up her hand. "Coffee?"
The brunette grumbled and hoisted her bag over her shoulder. "Yeah," she said dispiritedly. "I owe you for sure. It was a good try anyway."
"Buck up camper," said the blonde, feet unerringly on the path to the coffee cart. "Maybe they'll come back tomorrow."
"Eh," said the brunette. "If you were from England, wouldn't you want to go right back?"
###
###
Title: A Trip to the Zoo
Author: corvidae9
Rating: R
Word Count: ~2000
Warnings: craaaaaack, author and requestor insertion (into the fic, pervs)
Summary: The latest stop on an open-ended holiday ends predictably. (H/D)
Author's Note: dramaphile dared me to do it, and so I did. At her request, features stoned koalas and inappropriate orangutan behavior. Karyn = ♥♥♥
###
Seems it didn't matter how well or how often Harry hid in plain sight, someone always found him, and by consequence of being attached at the face and other entertaining appendages, Draco. At first Draco hadn't minded at all. What? Further publicity on his innocence? His dangerous and self-sacrificing, last-ditch heroics that had not only earned him his redemption but won him the heart of his schoolyard rival?
Woe. The horror.
But it did reach a point that even he couldn't handle. For example, when the Prophet published an article detailing his predilection for being a noisy bedmate, Draco (and honestly, everyone who was not a very embarrassed Harry) found it infinitely amusing. But when the Quibbler ran a special report on what the empty containers of lube in their rubbish bin could predict about the future (including a mathematical extrapolation as to how often they might be making use of it in order to go through as much as had been found)... well. That had been a little weird. (Needless to say, the frequency they came up with had been completely off as well.)
As such, it never failed. They'd move, be found, charm, hex, ward and booby trap the new house to no avail and move further. Until Harry had a new idea.
"What if--" Harry had said as he levitated the Prophet's top reporter (since Rita Skeeter's mysterious disappearance) up and over their carnivorous hedgerow. "What if we go on holiday and just never come back?"
###
"That is by far, the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen," muttered Draco, and he was probably exaggerating, given that's what he was expected to do. He did it so well, though, it was hard to begrudge it him. (In point of fact, he had seen Ernie Macmillan in a football jersey, riding trousers and strappy heel shoes, which barring apocalypse, would likely be the most ridiculous thing he'd ever seen in his life.) (Bulstrode ever coming up off of all fours was a close second.)
Harry, at his side (as he generally tended to be, unless he was attempting to break laws of physics and physiology --endeavors of which Draco heartily approved), grunted. "Err. They are a bit more boring than I remember them being." The furry gray creature in the unnaturally stunted eucalyptus tree shifted and Harry sighed. "I guess they're just more entertaining when you're a kid."
"Hmm," hummed Draco agreeably. "Or running past while being pursued by the vat of grease that passes for an uncle among the Muggles while shouting, 'I swear! I didn't do anything!"
The profound silence that followed Draco's statement gave away that he'd probably gone too far, but when Draco looked up and caught Harry's expression, he had confirmation of exactly that. Eyes narrowed behind his round glasses generally did nothing for Harry's overall attractivenes, though when coupled with his chronically rumpled hair, they just made him look... grumpy. Naturally, Draco responded in an appropriately sensitive manner.
"What? It's not true?"
Harry's lip twitched but there was no humor evident. "Forget it," he mumbled. "Let's just go."
Ah Damn. Perhaps Draco had gone a bit far.
"No, wait-- look," said Draco, attempting to muster enthusiasm. "It's moving... or its rigored little body is finally being shaken loose from the tree by some sort of carrion animal. Though I suppose it would be falling faster from the branch if that were the case."
Harry snorted a grudging laugh and squeezed the fingers laced through his, and Draco relaxed slightly. Christ, those Muggles and their closet had left a blody mess in their wake, hadn't they? And people still had the nerve to defend them all.
"You're bloody well transparent," murmured Harry, though he sounded less annoyed. Draco wanted to make a snappy remark about Invisibility Cloaks, but he had learned never to go with the first comeback that came to mind, lest he sound too much like-- well. Someone that was known for lame comebacks. Take for example--
"--Hello?"
--Harry, who clearly had been talking as Draco stared through the (barely) animate teddy bear affixed somehow to a useless bloody Australian tree, pondering how best to phrase his witty, witty observation.
"Yes?"
"I said," Harry grumbled, "that maybe they're unhappy here. Maybe the climate's not what they're used to."
"No," piped in a blonde woman only an inch or two shorter than Harry who was not looking at them at all. "The temperature right now is about what they're used to and the enclosures they stay in at night or when they're not out are climate controlled." She finally turned a rueful grin on them and added, "They just spend a lot of time naturally stoned."
Harry snickered again as Draco cocked his head.
"They what? No-- That makes sense. Do the damnable little things secrete the stuff or how does that work?"
The woman had to speak up to be heard over Harry's laughter. "Umm. No. It's the leaves they eat. It sort of... well. Fucks them up good and proper and makes them incredibly boring. They're like-- the antidrug poster children of the animal kingdom."
"Eucalyptus does that?" said Draco, eyebrow raised as he regarded the koalas with a newfound respect. "How is it not a controlled substance?"
"It doesn't have the same effect on humans," said the woman, amused as she turned her attention back on the tiny beasts. "It's actually pretty toxic if ingested. You're better off sticking with a good stiff drink. Now-- if you really want to see fascinating animal behavior, you should go check out the orangutans."
"Oh?" said Draco, doing his best to seem completely oblivious to Harry's continued amusement. "And why would that be?"
"They're always busy," the blonde woman said with a smile that was more a smirk. "They definitely enjoy putting on a show."
Draco was no stranger to that sort of expression. Hell, he felt vaguely as though he should charge her for the use of it. "Really," he drawled, intent on discovering her motives while sounding as though he were supremely disinterested in doing so.
"Hoh yeah," smiled the woman. "Enjoy your visit." She tucked her notebook back under her arm and walked away with a brief wave.
"That was fantastic. You know, people here are nicer than I thought they'd be," said Harry as he returned the gesture.
"Knowitall," grumbled Draco, eyes tracking the woman as she walked away. "Your friend Granger would like her." Draco shuddered and added, "Never mind. I don't even want to think about that."
"About Hermione?" asked Harry, nonplussed.
"Of anyone actually enjoying her company of their own volition," grimaced Draco, adding as Harry swore and rolled his eyes, "Let's go see those apes, hmm?"
###
"They're fantastic," said Draco, voice dripping with sarcasm. "Americans have such discerning taste."
"Shut up," said Harry defensively as he stared at the huge orange-ish ape sitting motionless in a patch of sunlight. "She is fantastic."
"And wields the power of absolute boredo-- oh?"
Draco trailed off, Harry's eyes already tracking the commotion that had stopped him. A pair of the orange-brown apes came suddenly tumbling into view, over the hill and directly toward the thick plexiglass, end over end like carelessly hurled playthings.
"All right. That's neat," conceded Draco as Harry placed his palms flat on the glass.
"Wow," Harry breathed, face split into a grin of unabashed awe and Draco couldn't help but stare, gratified and finally feeling as though this whole ridiculous trip had been worth the trouble and Americans. He stepped up behind Harry and rested his chin on Harry's shoulder, hands sliding around him and up under his sweatshirt. The orangutans tumbled and made very ape sounds and sent the gibbons that shared their enclosure scattering. Harry leaned back into Draco ever so slightly, resettling one hand on Draco's over his own middle.
"Are you happy now you've definitive proof that some of the animals here are indeed alive and not on stupor-inducing organics?" murmured Draco, pulling Harry's earlobe between his teeth. Harry was clearly beside himself with joy and wonder and all that rot, and in his own mind, Draco took the credit entirely, being as he was the kind and considerate soul that had agreed to come to this godforsaken city in the first place. This meant that Harry being happy was directly Draco's doing and made him feel as though he wanted the git to be even more happy... not to mention happy.
To be perfectly frank and free of bad euphemisms, Draco wanted Harry now, so with a quick glance around, thankful for quiet weekdays, Draco's hand crept slowly downward out from under the safe haven of the Volcom hoodie they picked up from the shop where every other word from everyone was 'dude'. Harry squirmed as Draco's fingers plucked at his belt buckle in passing, hissing a breath as Draco rasped in his ear, "Think it's time to go."
Smug as hell, Draco kneaded the bulge in Harry's trousers once, as unobtrusively as possible given he was palming his lover's cock in plain sight at the bloody zoo. Harry shivered, his fingers tightening over Draco's though the hoodie as he leaned harder against Draco. "Haven't even seen half the --mmph-- zoo."
"Doesn't matter," murmured Draco, repeating the motion of his wrist. "It'll be here tomorrow." His tongue darted out to taste the skin just south of Harry's ear. "We'll come back with the Invisibility Cloak and go straight to the reptile house and you can fuck me up against the glass to the tune of an unending stream of Parseltongue."
Harry groaned and sagged against him, already breathing unevenly. "God, yes. Please."
That last filthy suggestion might've done Draco in as well. He licked his lips unsteadily as he reached into his pocket for his wand and after only a cursory glace about, Apparated them both away and back to the hotel overlooking the bay.
Not that they spent much time looking at the bay.
###
The blond woman grinned hugely from her vantage point at the other end of the orangutan habitat, the large, open design of the enclosure giving her an uninterrupted line of sight to the two English boys currently indulging in a show of naughty hands and dirty innuendo.
"God but I love when they kiss," she mused aloud to the short, round brunette standing nearby.
"Mmhmm," the brunette sighed, adjusting her glasses and pointpointing, "Look at that hand. That's a full-on grope. Fucking fantastic." She wrinkled her nose and as she cocked her head toward where the two tumbling orangutans had landed in a pile and had proceeded to get inappropriate. "Ergh, though as much as I dig hot girl-on-girl, I could do without the orangutan love. I'm strictly into humans."
"They can't help it. Proof positive girls everywhere think hot boys should kiss more often. Now if they'd just --wait--" The blonde frowned. "Where'd they go?"
Expression telegraphing total confusion, the brunette frowned, too. "Butbut... they were just... well. Shit." She shifted back onto her heels with a disappointed sigh.
"Damn," sighed the blonde, tossing up her hand. "Coffee?"
The brunette grumbled and hoisted her bag over her shoulder. "Yeah," she said dispiritedly. "I owe you for sure. It was a good try anyway."
"Buck up camper," said the blonde, feet unerringly on the path to the coffee cart. "Maybe they'll come back tomorrow."
"Eh," said the brunette. "If you were from England, wouldn't you want to go right back?"
###