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[deathrockgirl]

I need to write. Let it out. All the frustration that's been building, all the stress under my skin boiling to the surface. The last few months have been so hard. I want to point the finger at Tim for starting me on this crazy path of self destruction. But I am too rationale to be able to do that. All I know is that my two hospital stints were very

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[bubbles]

hmmm...

this is hard to respond to honestly because i don't know how you'll take it.

you have your own reasons for being self destructive and i can't pretend to know. in my experience people who aren't totally afraid of the financial fall seem to find themselves there more often. i have no one to fall back on, no family, no one...and i have never been in that position. that isn't luck, that's me pushing myself into the ground to keep the money coming in above anything else because no money means literal homelessness.

i'm not judging or saying anything negative, i've just noticed, in my experience, that sometimes people crash a lot more when they aren't so afraid to crash.

i may be way off base and i don't know your history at all so i can only share my experiences. whatever is going on i hope that you can pull out of whatever you are experiencing. it's a terrible cycle to be in, to be self destructive then to suffer the consequences, which make you feel more self destructive.

[deathrockgirl]

I don't take any offense. I mean I am responsible for my financials. I am an adult! I am not sure if it's not afraid of falling or more like I refuse to usually admit I need to change things. I don't have allot of help. Just people who excuse me paying them late. Which is really pathetic even for me to have this happening at my age. Yeah I don't want to be homeless. The way I am going I will be. I have to change. I have a million excuses. I think sometimes writing helps me see the patterns, my pitfalls.

[bubbles]

i know that you've said before that you had some time in foster homes and that can really screw with you. even the toughest people who think it wasn't a big deal can be profoundly affected by it. i know that your finances are screwed right now so a counselor might be completely out of the question but maybe once you get on your feet again someone like that can help you sort through some of that stuff a little better.