It's a long one folks......
So whats been happening i hear you ask? Good Question. As some of you may know, back in March we lost the house in Yaxley due to James been fired and we were unable to keep up the rent. From there started a very hard struggle to find a new place (which i may add we are still looking for). James parents offered the use of thier house until we managed to find a place but i think that was a very bad idea. His parents seem to live in thier own bubble which excludes anything going on in the real world. As it happened it made it very hard for me and James to feel comfortable there.Most of it was to do with his mum and how she seemed around me. I really don't think she liked me very much, though i can't put my finger on it. I think it was more to do with the fact that i was invading thier space and to them we were'nt doing enough to find a place of our own. Though i was really trying by getting out there and pleading to the council that we were practically homeless. A lot of good that did, especially in his parents eye's. As this was getting very hard to deal with, i decided to head up to Leeds for a few weeks just to get out of the way and see if i could get my head together again. Another mistake among many that have happened so far, it actually made it harder. I think it was just the fact that i was seperate from Jay all week, only seeing him at the weekend that made it hard to cope with. So while it solved one problem it created another. It seems to be norm at the moment, but if you don't make mistakes you can't really learn from then. Can you?
After the stay in Leeds, it was decided that i come back down and right now we're staying with Fiona which, while it puts a roof over our heads it also makes things that little more complicated. Though i have to say it does feel ok at times, it also feels really wierd too. I can't help bieng suspicious, but not of James. It's more of Fiona and how my mind works. I really don't know how to think and act and again it leaves me confused and unable to think for myself. I seem to see an ulterior motive in everything she does and i don't like that part of me. I just feel nothing will be resolved until we do find a place of our own again and we can really start settling down for real. I know time's running out with me being 6 months gone, but i didn't expect it to take this long.
As well as all that i also started a new job, which is a good thing i hear you say? Well it would be if i wasn't just sat there all day twiddling my thumbs. Seriously thats all i'm doing, and i'm not even getting paid for it though payday was today. No money appears. So again it's all stressful as we have absolutely nothing in the way of cash right now, which means i can go to work tomorrow. (he he) Just one more problem added to the bottom of the ever growing list right now. I would really like to know what we've done to warrant such bad karma.
I must say though, while all that has been happening there seems to be a dim light at the end of this tunnel and it does seem to be getting a little brighter with time. I think the thing is that i need to get out a bit more and carve out a social life for myself. There's a couple of poetry evenings that go on each month that i'm gonna head to and there's also another group that i'm thinking of joining up with. As well as that i'm considering an evening course too. So if all does go to plan, i wont have to rely on James so much, which i think this is what it's all about. What set me off was the fact that Jay can easily go off and see his friends where as i'm stuck at home not really doing anything. Might as well take advantage while i can.
We'll see how it goes, but for now i just want the bad vibes to stop. Anyone want to wish me luck....
"Please don't censor your tears."