My Bloody Valentine: A Summary
Unlocked.
In general: SO campy. SO gory. Jensen is SO pretty. SO cheesy. As Steve said last night before the movie rolled, the movie pretty much says "Fuck that" to any sort of nuance or subtlety. Guns pointing directly at the audience, blood and bone rushing toward the camera, pickaxes hurtling toward your face.
Note: Some of this may be out of order. I didn't take notes or anything.
Ooh, the gears of the Lion's Gate logo look really cool in 3-D.
Exposition via headlines and voiceovers! Jensen's dad owns the mine. Jensen was working and forgot to "flood the lines," which caused a cave-in. Five (or six) men were trapped. Only one, Harry Warden, made it out alive. Warden was in a coma for a while. Hospital. Harry dreams about Jensen saying Jensen knows his own job. Just because your daddy owns the mine blah blah blah. Harry wakes up oh no! Look out, random nurse!
Cut to (literally?) eviscerated, cut-in-half, chests-torn-open victims in the hospital room, the corridor, the lobby. Lots o' dead folk. Blood splashed all over the walls, including one heart-shaped mark. The sheriff utters the first line of dialogue of the movie: "Happy fucking Valentine's Day." Not kidding. Followed swiftly by gems such as
Sheriff: But Warden's in a coma.
Other cop: Guess he woke up.
*facepalm*
Of course there's a human heart in a Valentine's Day box of chocolates. Sheriff looks directly through the bloody heart on the wall, which floats in mid 3-D space. Hee.
At the entrance to Mine No. 5, young adults party with reckless abandon. Oh man, is that Kerr Smith? It is! Crap. With him is Trashy Blonde. Exposition about how Kerr doesn't like Jensen, who isn't good enough for Jamie King. Speak of the devil, here are Jamie and Jensen now (J2???), Jensen in a puffy vest and a ball cap. Jamie reminds me a bit of an older Lindsay Lohan. Weird. Trashy Blonde takes a picture of J2 - getting Jamie to smile by smirking, "Say 'Over-the-pants handjob'!" Jensen isn't as amused. Perhaps he doesn't like Trashy Blonde. Perhaps he isn't a fan of the party location because he was responsible for the deaths of several men there. Or perhaps he prefers his handjobs raw.
In any case, Kerr and Trashy Blonde make for the mine. Jamie asks if Jensen is okay, and he says he is, but we can tell he's lying. He forgot beer in the truck, so he goes back to get it. Jamie wanders through the tunnels alone. Good idea! Lots of false scares, until one guy jumps out in front of her. His laughter is stopped by a PICKAX THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS HEAD, PUSHING HIS EYE FORWARD OUT OF THE SCREEN. Whoa! It's our not-so-mysterious miner, Warden. We can't see his face because he's wearing a mining helmet (complete with light) and full-on facemask with dark glass. I wonder if this will matter later.
Jamie runs, falls, screams, although not always in that order. At one point, she is pulled into an alcove by Kerr, who slaps his hand over her mouth and pulls her close to him. Trashy Blonde is also there struggling to be quiet. The miner walks past them, but doesn't see them. Another random party dude appears in the tunnel. Will he see the three people in hiding? Will he get killed by the miner? The answer is yes! At this point, Jensen shows up and the four survivors - Jensen, Jamie, Kerr, and Trashy Blonde - run back toward the entrance. Jensen is slow or trips or something, but he falls behind far enough to have to fight the miner. Jamie screams for him but Kerr forces her into his truck. The three back up in reverse as Jensen, on the ground, watches them go.
Will the miner kill Jensen in the first ten minutes of the movie? What do YOU think? Sheriff and the cop show up and pump some bullets into the miner, causing a spray of blood to cover Jensen's lovely mug, of course. Warden then runs back into the mine after being shot about five times.
Oh, sometime during the slaughter, a girl fights back using a shovel, which Mystery Miner then uses the edge of TO PIN HER HEAD TO A POST BY PUSHING THE SHOVEL'S EDGE THROUGH HER MOUTH. He then USES THE PICKAX AS A HAMMER TO SEVER THE TOP HALF OF HER HEAD FROM THE REST OF HER BODY; the head slides forward on the shovel head as the body falls to the ground. HA!
Ten years later. DUN DUN DUN.
A reporter interviews the sheriff. It's Kerr! Who is now married to Jamie! And they have a kid named Noah! Yeah, not surprising. His facial hair is awful (Kerr's, not Noah's). Oh, and Mine No. 5 collapsed around Warden, so he is dead, dead, dead. In a diner, Kerr banters with Old Dude Ben, who flirts with Jamie. Jamie tells Slutty Ingenue it's okay if Slutty Ingenue is late to work. Slutty Ingenue insanely and obviously eyefucks Kerr, who leaves the diner about two seconds after her.
Ramshackle Love Shack in the woods, post-boinking. Slutty Ingenue is getting dressed, so no boobies. But her underwear is riding up, if you like that sort of thing. She gives Kerr a card and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. The card says "BE MINE 4 EVER." WTF. Kerr says he didn't get her anything, but she smiles that he did. "I'm pregnant," she gleefully whispers into his ear. Kerr looks more ill than he usually does.
A car is driving to the mines. A figure in worn out boots walks toward it. It's Jensen in a hoodie. Is this what he would look like if he had been cast as Sam Winchester? Why is he back in town? Let's find out! Jensen goes to Old Dude Ben's house. I'm here to sign the papers blah blah it was moved to Monday blah blah didn't come home for own father's funeral blah blah you can't sell the mine blah blah I'm selling it whatever blah blah fine if you have daddy issues, here he is in this box blah blah end of this subplot.
Jensen checks into the Thunderbird Motel. A cute French bulldog (I think) runs toward him. The female manager, a little person dressed like a fashionable small-town grandma, eyes our hero before giving him a room. Sounds of "love"making are heard as Jensen walks to his room. As he gets closer, he kind of pauses and smiles, but it fades as he realizes his room is next to all the noise. Inside, Jensen cracks open a prescription bottle after reading it (huh?), and takes some pills. THIS IS IN NO WAY SUSPICIOUS.
In the room, Trashy Blonde rides Bald Trucker. After the climax (ahem), she prattles on about the history of Valentine's Day as the dude gets dressed, puts on his wedding ring, and tries to conceal the camera he had been using to film them. Trashy Blonde is pissed and doesn't care that it's for his "own personal use." She fumes, "I'm not a whore." He throws some money at her and smarms, "You are now." He leaves. She rushes to pick up her clothes, but what she really wants is the gun in her purse.
She storms out after him, buck nekkid except for her shoes. Seriously, this is the nudest horror movie scene in history. It's fearless full-frontal fury, and this woman does not give a shit that she's naked in a parking lot. It's kind of awesome in an obviously exploitative way. Bald Married Trucker laughs that he knows the gun isn't loaded, so she throws it at him instead. It hits him on the forehead. Ouch! However, that is not as painful as the PICKAX THAT SPIKES THROUGH THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. The Mystery Miner is back, and he's in the trucker's cab. Dead Trucker drops the camera, which shows Full-Frontal Fury (she has graduated from Trashy Blonde) screaming and running away.
Full-Frontal Fury runs into the lobby, but no one is there. She runs into the manager's apartment and thinks of hiding in the closet but picks under the bed instead. Mystery Miner looks for her. Before he looks under the bed, Little Person Manager returns, calling for her dog. Think he's in the closet? Nope! Mystery Miner uses his PICKAX TO PICK UP THE LITTLE PERSON AND SMASH HER INTO A LIGHT FIXTURE ON THE CEILING, causing sparks and the like.
Full-Frontal Fury cannot hide her gasps of horror, and Mystery Miner grabs her legs and tries to pull her out from under the bed. She kicks and screams obscenities until he is forced to pull of the mattress instead. She uses the cagelike bed frame in an valiant attempt to protect herself, but Mystery Miner gets her.
Next morning, Kerr finds his old girlfriend in a heart-shaped tub missing, guess what? That's right - her pancreas. (kidding) Kerr's deputy - a person of color oh noes! - notices that Jensen checked into the motel last night. UH OH. Oh, and there's video available.
At the family grocery store, cashier Jamie is surprised by Jensen, whom she hasn't seen in ten years. Fellow cashier Slutty Ingenue eavesdrops as Jamie emotes and Jensen gazes soulfully. They all thought he was dead! He makes note of her beautiful family, and he says he'll be seeing her.
Local bar. Barflies talk about the murders at the hotel. Jensen walks in. TENSION. Selling the mine blah blah people here depend on it blah blah not what your daddy would have wanted. One guy punches Jensen in the face. FIGHT, FIGHT! Old Dude Ben and Now-Retired Sheriff break it up. Jensen yells "FUCK!" It's oddly thrilling. Note: He says it four times during the movie. Yes, I counted. I started to keep track of how many times he's popped in the kisser, but I lost track. More on that later. Sheriff tells Jensen that's the second time he's saved Jensen's life. "Evs," Jensen says. (not really)
A Valentine's Day box dripping with blood reaches the police office. Guess what's inside? Full-Frontal Fury's esophagus!
At home, Jamie says hi to her blond son and dismisses her housekeeper. Upstairs, Jamie takes out the pic of her and Jensen from a memory box and leaves it on the dresser. Oops.
Jensen goes into the mine to talk with Old Dude Ben at work. The worker who takes him down is named Riggs (no, NOT Taylor Kitsch, more's the pity - but if you want to watch Taylor die a horrible death, check out Snakes on a Plane). In the tunnels, Old Dude Ben is nowhere to be found. Riggs uses a phone to call another section, and Jensen wanders off. OH NO! Mystery Miner! He throws Jensen around and then tosses him into a office/cage thing. He uses the PICKAX to trap him inside. At one point, they create a mirror image as they stare at each other through the wire. THAT IS IN NO WAY SUSPICIOUS. Mystery Miner then creeps up behind Riggs, who puts up a pretty good fight before THE PICKAX CHOPS HIM INTO MINCEMEAT as Jensen watches helplessly. A group of miners, who had heard the commotion over the phone, finds Jensen trapped and Riggs dead.
2 a.m. At home, Kerr is watching the video of Full Frontal-Fury getting it on with Bald Married Trucker. Lest we - or Jamie, who has just walked in - think Kerr is a mere pervert, we see that the curtains were open and that Jensen is visible through the window. Jamie admits Jensen came by the grocery store. Kerr picks up the photo of "the love of [Jamie's] life" and asks her to call him if Jensen contacts Jamie again.
Kerr brings Jensen in for questioning. Dawson's Creek reunion! Will Jack get revenge on C.J. for abandoning Jen after C.J. knocked her up? I don't want to wait. Pissing contest ensues, but not literally - sorry, watersports fans! At one point, Jensen smugs, "You know she settled for you, right?" Them's fightin' words, and Kerr clocks Jensen in the face. Deputies bust it up and one tells Kerr that the miners vouch for Jensen; he was trapped in the cage and couldn't have killed Riggs.
Now free, Jensen walks to his truck. Old Dude Ben is there. Jensen asks where he was during the slaughter. Another tunnel, Old Dude Ben replies. THAT IS IN NO WAY A RED HERRING. Looks as if the Mystery Miner could be coming after both of them. !!!!!!zzzzzzzzzzz
Early morning outside the grocery store. Jensen startles Jamie, who decides to walk with her old boyfriend instead of calling her husband. Blah blah the mine means a lot to the whole town blah blah why did you run away blah blah I had to live with it every day blah blah face our fears to get over them. Jensen tells her he wants to stay and not sell the mine. HMMMMMMM.
Jensen goes to closed Mine No. 5. A little bit of redemption on his mind? He tries to go in but can't. He gobbles a few more NOT-IN-ANY-WAY SUSPICIOUS pills as the door creaks open anyway. Flashlight in the forest above the entrance! It's Mystery Miner. I know, Jensen - why don't you run out into the dark woods with YOUR flashlight, giving Mystery Miner a perfect target? Go on, now. Oh, and while you're at it, can you find the Ramshackle Love Shack and go inside to see proof of Kerr's infidelity? Much obliged.
I can't remember HOW Jensen got injured by Mystery Miner, or if I forgot a scene. But soon we're in the hospital, where Jamie sees Jensen, wearing a tight green wifebeater. You understand how I might get distracted. HOLY. MOLY. Enjoy it, because that's all of the skin Ackles shows here. He's getting his left arm stitched up (shades of Dean Winchester) as Old Dude Ben listens to him say that Warden is back. Jamie asks what he means. In a HILARIOUS moment, Kerr suddenly pulls back the nearby privacy curtain and announces that he knows that Warden is dead. How does he know? Because Sheriff, Old Dude Ben, Kerr's dad, and Jensen's dad all buried his body out near Mine No. 5's exit.
Sheriff and Old Dude Ben lead Kerr, Jamie, Jensen, and Deputy Token to the burial site. The grave is empty. UH OH. Was he dead when they buried him? Well, if not, then he's dead now? Whuh? Brief scene of Deputy Token saying Jensen is the suspect, NOT Deputy Token. UH HUH.
That night, drunken Old Dude Ben at home jumps at shadows and aims a gun at the audience. Mystery Miner kills him by PUSHING HIS HEAD DOWN AND FORCING HIS EYE THROUGH THE PICKAX THAT HAD BEEN PINNED TO THE FLOOR in the struggle.
Say, does Mystery Miner have a distinct bowlegged gait? Just wondering.
Kerr thinks Jensen is the killer, so he has a deputy - Deputy Female Rookie - staked outside to keep an eye on (ahem) Kerr's family.
At the grocery store, Jamie and Slutty Ingenue are closing up shop. Slutty Ingenue asks her about Jensen, but odd noises grab their attention. Soon the lights go out. How about they creep through the aisles for a while until they see Mystery Miner? Jamie fights him off using frozen poultry and Slutty Ingenue uses a mop. The women run for the office, Slutty Ingenue screaming hilariously. Inside, they lock and bar the door with furniture. The window has a gate with a lock - lots of metal gates in this movie - and Jamie keeps Mystery Miner at bay by holding the furniture as Slutty Ingenue keeps trying key after key. She finally gets the lock open and starts sliding out legs first through the window, which only opened part way. Only the ladies notice that Mystery Miner is no longer chopping the hell out of the office door. Oops! Slutty Ingenue tries to get back in, but Mystery Miner grabs her from outside. Jamie pulls on Slutty Ingenue with no success. She disappears. Of course Jamie creeps to the window, and Mystery Miner pops out. Jamie jumps away and only THEN hits the alarm system by the door.
Jamie rushes through the store to the front door and runs into Kerr. How did he get there so fast? THAT IS IN NO WAY SUSPICIOUS. He tells her to stay behind him. They find Slutty Ingenue carved up in the alley with BE MINE 4 EVER scrawled on the bricks. STILL NOT SUSPICIOUS. As a paramedic tends to Jamie's arm - it was cut during the latest skirmish - she tells Kerr she knows about him and Slutty Ingenue. It was obvious. She doesn't seem mad about it, though. Guess it's small potatoes at this point. She goes to the hospital to get checked out.
Back at home, Noah watches cartoons as the housekeeper does laundry. The back door opens. Crack security there. The housekeeper turns to see Mystery Miner and screams. Outside, Sheriff surprises Deputy Female Rookie by saying, "He's in the house." His appearing out of nowhere? THAT IS IN NO WAY A RED HERRING. Deputy Female Rookie goes inside, finds Noah, and tells him to stay hidden. Sheriff sees a round light near the edge of a railing on the front porch and creeps toward it with his gun. But it's only a helmet when he gets there. OH NOES. Inside, Deputy Female Rookie hears the washing machine running. It's covered in blood. When she opens the door, the MELTED FACE AND SHOULDERS of the housekeeper fall out. As Deputy Female Rookie screams, Sheriff turns to see Mystery Miner, who PICKAXES HIM UPWARD THROUGH HIS CHIN SO THAT THE TIP IS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH. After some struggling, Mystery Miner yanks the pickax so THAT THE SHERIFF'S ENTIRE LOWER JAW (and some teeth) FLIES TOWARD THE FRONT CORNER OF THE SCREEN as the Sheriff falls off the porch. AWESOME.
I'm sure Deputy Female Rookie and Noah get away somehow. But what I remember next is that Jensen calls Jamie at the hospital asking if she trusts him. She does. He needs to show her something. Not THAT. Something about Kerr. In Jensen's truck, she gets a call from Kerr, who tells her that Jensen has been in a mental institution for the past seven years. She has to meet Kerr at the Ramshackle Love Shack. OMG WHOM CAN SHE TRUST? She chooses Kerr, and forces Jensen's car off the road WITH A BRANCH BUSTING THROUGH THE CENTER OF THE WINDSHIELD. Jamie runs through the woods. Jensen stumbles out of the car, falls onto his back, and screams to the heavens. Twice. I'm not making up that last part.
Ramshackle Love Shack. Jamie puts furniture in front of the door. It's become a pattern! She finds the box of V-Day candy and the card Slutty Ingenue got for Kerr. Jamie reads BE MINE 4 EVER, just like the bloody note in the alley! And now THE PHOTO OF JENSEN AND JAMIE IS IN THE INSIDE OF THAT BOX. And THEN! As she opens drawers and stuff looking for a weapon, she opens a pantry closet and what falls out but TONS OF VALENTINE'S DAY BOXES. OMG IS MYSTERY MINER HER HUSBAND? Let's ask him, because Mystery Miner has arrived to the shack and is trying to kill her! Fight fight escape by breaking a window and rolling down the roof. Say, Jamie, why don't you run to nearby Mine No. 5? That'll be a great hiding place.
I can't remember exactly how Jamie gets a gun, but the confrontation between her and her two loves culminates in the tunnel. Jensen tells Jamie she can't trust Kerr, and he's been setting Jensen up. Kerr is the killer; he wrote BE MINE 4 EVER in blood over Slutty Ingenue's body. Hold up, says Jamie. How do you know she's dead? And how the hell do you know what was on the wall? Er, you told me she was dead, stammers Jensen. Yeah, that's the ticket, Then Kerr is there, saying Jensen is the killer. Jamie keeps wavering the gun between them. Kerr says, hell shoot us both. Jensen is um what? Kerr says Jamie will have to shoot them both because that's the only way she'll be safe.
Then Jensen freaks out, screaming that Warden is behind Jamie. She turns part way to see, but Kerr shakes his head enough to distract her. SUSPENSE. Until Warden WALKS THROUGH JAMIE to reveal himself AS ONLY ALIVE INSIDE JENSEN'S FRAGILE LITTLE MIND. Then there's the "reveal" montage of how Jensen is possessed by Warden and killed everyone this time around (he used the pickax to wedge himself inside in the mine, etc.). The best part is that Jensen dug up the grave, which had a mask and pickax - but no bones? Basically, the boy is bonkers.
Jensen and Kerr fight. Punch punch. Jamie stands back. Kerr eventually gets A PICKAX TO THE GUT and Jamie shoots at Jensen, who runs away. Then, in a bit of artful symmetry, Kerr and Jamie hide in the same alcove they did ten years previously. Jensen has got his Mystery Miner persona (but not outfit) on, and he smashes lights with his pickax as he walks by them. Each time a bulb breaks, there's a special effects flash of the mask over Jensen's face. Of course there's only one bullet left, and Jamie has to use the gun as her spouse's intestines are most likely soup. After the requisite moment of Jensen's nice persona seeing the woman he loves aiming a gun at him, the serial killer takes over and attacks. Jamie fires, and we see the bullet go through Jensen's side and into some canisters behind him. Of course they're full of something flammable and of course there's an explosion hurtling Jensen backward.
Time passes. A recovery worker sees that Jensen, buried under some rubble, is hurt but obviously alive. We see all of this through the worker's P.O.V. As he turns to call for help, Jensen gives him (and us) A PICKAX THROUGH THE SIDE OF THE HEAD. Ow. The movie should have ended there, but instead we see Jamie stumbling out next to Kerr, who is on a stretcher. They are all happy and forgiving and married and shit. The kid is okay too. And lo and behold, a recovery worker limps from the mine to reveal that, yes, Jensen IS available for a sequel.
Conclusion: That boy's face and arms were made for the big screen boy howdy! Not an acting showcase in the least, but a good bunch of cheesy, gory fun, if that's your cup of tea.
Comments welcome.
In general: SO campy. SO gory. Jensen is SO pretty. SO cheesy. As Steve said last night before the movie rolled, the movie pretty much says "Fuck that" to any sort of nuance or subtlety. Guns pointing directly at the audience, blood and bone rushing toward the camera, pickaxes hurtling toward your face.
Note: Some of this may be out of order. I didn't take notes or anything.
Ooh, the gears of the Lion's Gate logo look really cool in 3-D.
Exposition via headlines and voiceovers! Jensen's dad owns the mine. Jensen was working and forgot to "flood the lines," which caused a cave-in. Five (or six) men were trapped. Only one, Harry Warden, made it out alive. Warden was in a coma for a while. Hospital. Harry dreams about Jensen saying Jensen knows his own job. Just because your daddy owns the mine blah blah blah. Harry wakes up oh no! Look out, random nurse!
Cut to (literally?) eviscerated, cut-in-half, chests-torn-open victims in the hospital room, the corridor, the lobby. Lots o' dead folk. Blood splashed all over the walls, including one heart-shaped mark. The sheriff utters the first line of dialogue of the movie: "Happy fucking Valentine's Day." Not kidding. Followed swiftly by gems such as
Sheriff: But Warden's in a coma.
Other cop: Guess he woke up.
*facepalm*
Of course there's a human heart in a Valentine's Day box of chocolates. Sheriff looks directly through the bloody heart on the wall, which floats in mid 3-D space. Hee.
At the entrance to Mine No. 5, young adults party with reckless abandon. Oh man, is that Kerr Smith? It is! Crap. With him is Trashy Blonde. Exposition about how Kerr doesn't like Jensen, who isn't good enough for Jamie King. Speak of the devil, here are Jamie and Jensen now (J2???), Jensen in a puffy vest and a ball cap. Jamie reminds me a bit of an older Lindsay Lohan. Weird. Trashy Blonde takes a picture of J2 - getting Jamie to smile by smirking, "Say 'Over-the-pants handjob'!" Jensen isn't as amused. Perhaps he doesn't like Trashy Blonde. Perhaps he isn't a fan of the party location because he was responsible for the deaths of several men there. Or perhaps he prefers his handjobs raw.
In any case, Kerr and Trashy Blonde make for the mine. Jamie asks if Jensen is okay, and he says he is, but we can tell he's lying. He forgot beer in the truck, so he goes back to get it. Jamie wanders through the tunnels alone. Good idea! Lots of false scares, until one guy jumps out in front of her. His laughter is stopped by a PICKAX THROUGH THE BACK OF HIS HEAD, PUSHING HIS EYE FORWARD OUT OF THE SCREEN. Whoa! It's our not-so-mysterious miner, Warden. We can't see his face because he's wearing a mining helmet (complete with light) and full-on facemask with dark glass. I wonder if this will matter later.
Jamie runs, falls, screams, although not always in that order. At one point, she is pulled into an alcove by Kerr, who slaps his hand over her mouth and pulls her close to him. Trashy Blonde is also there struggling to be quiet. The miner walks past them, but doesn't see them. Another random party dude appears in the tunnel. Will he see the three people in hiding? Will he get killed by the miner? The answer is yes! At this point, Jensen shows up and the four survivors - Jensen, Jamie, Kerr, and Trashy Blonde - run back toward the entrance. Jensen is slow or trips or something, but he falls behind far enough to have to fight the miner. Jamie screams for him but Kerr forces her into his truck. The three back up in reverse as Jensen, on the ground, watches them go.
Will the miner kill Jensen in the first ten minutes of the movie? What do YOU think? Sheriff and the cop show up and pump some bullets into the miner, causing a spray of blood to cover Jensen's lovely mug, of course. Warden then runs back into the mine after being shot about five times.
Oh, sometime during the slaughter, a girl fights back using a shovel, which Mystery Miner then uses the edge of TO PIN HER HEAD TO A POST BY PUSHING THE SHOVEL'S EDGE THROUGH HER MOUTH. He then USES THE PICKAX AS A HAMMER TO SEVER THE TOP HALF OF HER HEAD FROM THE REST OF HER BODY; the head slides forward on the shovel head as the body falls to the ground. HA!
Ten years later. DUN DUN DUN.
A reporter interviews the sheriff. It's Kerr! Who is now married to Jamie! And they have a kid named Noah! Yeah, not surprising. His facial hair is awful (Kerr's, not Noah's). Oh, and Mine No. 5 collapsed around Warden, so he is dead, dead, dead. In a diner, Kerr banters with Old Dude Ben, who flirts with Jamie. Jamie tells Slutty Ingenue it's okay if Slutty Ingenue is late to work. Slutty Ingenue insanely and obviously eyefucks Kerr, who leaves the diner about two seconds after her.
Ramshackle Love Shack in the woods, post-boinking. Slutty Ingenue is getting dressed, so no boobies. But her underwear is riding up, if you like that sort of thing. She gives Kerr a card and a heart-shaped box of chocolates. The card says "BE MINE 4 EVER." WTF. Kerr says he didn't get her anything, but she smiles that he did. "I'm pregnant," she gleefully whispers into his ear. Kerr looks more ill than he usually does.
A car is driving to the mines. A figure in worn out boots walks toward it. It's Jensen in a hoodie. Is this what he would look like if he had been cast as Sam Winchester? Why is he back in town? Let's find out! Jensen goes to Old Dude Ben's house. I'm here to sign the papers blah blah it was moved to Monday blah blah didn't come home for own father's funeral blah blah you can't sell the mine blah blah I'm selling it whatever blah blah fine if you have daddy issues, here he is in this box blah blah end of this subplot.
Jensen checks into the Thunderbird Motel. A cute French bulldog (I think) runs toward him. The female manager, a little person dressed like a fashionable small-town grandma, eyes our hero before giving him a room. Sounds of "love"making are heard as Jensen walks to his room. As he gets closer, he kind of pauses and smiles, but it fades as he realizes his room is next to all the noise. Inside, Jensen cracks open a prescription bottle after reading it (huh?), and takes some pills. THIS IS IN NO WAY SUSPICIOUS.
In the room, Trashy Blonde rides Bald Trucker. After the climax (ahem), she prattles on about the history of Valentine's Day as the dude gets dressed, puts on his wedding ring, and tries to conceal the camera he had been using to film them. Trashy Blonde is pissed and doesn't care that it's for his "own personal use." She fumes, "I'm not a whore." He throws some money at her and smarms, "You are now." He leaves. She rushes to pick up her clothes, but what she really wants is the gun in her purse.
She storms out after him, buck nekkid except for her shoes. Seriously, this is the nudest horror movie scene in history. It's fearless full-frontal fury, and this woman does not give a shit that she's naked in a parking lot. It's kind of awesome in an obviously exploitative way. Bald Married Trucker laughs that he knows the gun isn't loaded, so she throws it at him instead. It hits him on the forehead. Ouch! However, that is not as painful as the PICKAX THAT SPIKES THROUGH THE TOP OF HIS HEAD. The Mystery Miner is back, and he's in the trucker's cab. Dead Trucker drops the camera, which shows Full-Frontal Fury (she has graduated from Trashy Blonde) screaming and running away.
Full-Frontal Fury runs into the lobby, but no one is there. She runs into the manager's apartment and thinks of hiding in the closet but picks under the bed instead. Mystery Miner looks for her. Before he looks under the bed, Little Person Manager returns, calling for her dog. Think he's in the closet? Nope! Mystery Miner uses his PICKAX TO PICK UP THE LITTLE PERSON AND SMASH HER INTO A LIGHT FIXTURE ON THE CEILING, causing sparks and the like.
Full-Frontal Fury cannot hide her gasps of horror, and Mystery Miner grabs her legs and tries to pull her out from under the bed. She kicks and screams obscenities until he is forced to pull of the mattress instead. She uses the cagelike bed frame in an valiant attempt to protect herself, but Mystery Miner gets her.
Next morning, Kerr finds his old girlfriend in a heart-shaped tub missing, guess what? That's right - her pancreas. (kidding) Kerr's deputy - a person of color oh noes! - notices that Jensen checked into the motel last night. UH OH. Oh, and there's video available.
At the family grocery store, cashier Jamie is surprised by Jensen, whom she hasn't seen in ten years. Fellow cashier Slutty Ingenue eavesdrops as Jamie emotes and Jensen gazes soulfully. They all thought he was dead! He makes note of her beautiful family, and he says he'll be seeing her.
Local bar. Barflies talk about the murders at the hotel. Jensen walks in. TENSION. Selling the mine blah blah people here depend on it blah blah not what your daddy would have wanted. One guy punches Jensen in the face. FIGHT, FIGHT! Old Dude Ben and Now-Retired Sheriff break it up. Jensen yells "FUCK!" It's oddly thrilling. Note: He says it four times during the movie. Yes, I counted. I started to keep track of how many times he's popped in the kisser, but I lost track. More on that later. Sheriff tells Jensen that's the second time he's saved Jensen's life. "Evs," Jensen says. (not really)
A Valentine's Day box dripping with blood reaches the police office. Guess what's inside? Full-Frontal Fury's esophagus!
At home, Jamie says hi to her blond son and dismisses her housekeeper. Upstairs, Jamie takes out the pic of her and Jensen from a memory box and leaves it on the dresser. Oops.
Jensen goes into the mine to talk with Old Dude Ben at work. The worker who takes him down is named Riggs (no, NOT Taylor Kitsch, more's the pity - but if you want to watch Taylor die a horrible death, check out Snakes on a Plane). In the tunnels, Old Dude Ben is nowhere to be found. Riggs uses a phone to call another section, and Jensen wanders off. OH NO! Mystery Miner! He throws Jensen around and then tosses him into a office/cage thing. He uses the PICKAX to trap him inside. At one point, they create a mirror image as they stare at each other through the wire. THAT IS IN NO WAY SUSPICIOUS. Mystery Miner then creeps up behind Riggs, who puts up a pretty good fight before THE PICKAX CHOPS HIM INTO MINCEMEAT as Jensen watches helplessly. A group of miners, who had heard the commotion over the phone, finds Jensen trapped and Riggs dead.
2 a.m. At home, Kerr is watching the video of Full Frontal-Fury getting it on with Bald Married Trucker. Lest we - or Jamie, who has just walked in - think Kerr is a mere pervert, we see that the curtains were open and that Jensen is visible through the window. Jamie admits Jensen came by the grocery store. Kerr picks up the photo of "the love of [Jamie's] life" and asks her to call him if Jensen contacts Jamie again.
Kerr brings Jensen in for questioning. Dawson's Creek reunion! Will Jack get revenge on C.J. for abandoning Jen after C.J. knocked her up? I don't want to wait. Pissing contest ensues, but not literally - sorry, watersports fans! At one point, Jensen smugs, "You know she settled for you, right?" Them's fightin' words, and Kerr clocks Jensen in the face. Deputies bust it up and one tells Kerr that the miners vouch for Jensen; he was trapped in the cage and couldn't have killed Riggs.
Now free, Jensen walks to his truck. Old Dude Ben is there. Jensen asks where he was during the slaughter. Another tunnel, Old Dude Ben replies. THAT IS IN NO WAY A RED HERRING. Looks as if the Mystery Miner could be coming after both of them. !!!!!!zzzzzzzzzzz
Early morning outside the grocery store. Jensen startles Jamie, who decides to walk with her old boyfriend instead of calling her husband. Blah blah the mine means a lot to the whole town blah blah why did you run away blah blah I had to live with it every day blah blah face our fears to get over them. Jensen tells her he wants to stay and not sell the mine. HMMMMMMM.
Jensen goes to closed Mine No. 5. A little bit of redemption on his mind? He tries to go in but can't. He gobbles a few more NOT-IN-ANY-WAY SUSPICIOUS pills as the door creaks open anyway. Flashlight in the forest above the entrance! It's Mystery Miner. I know, Jensen - why don't you run out into the dark woods with YOUR flashlight, giving Mystery Miner a perfect target? Go on, now. Oh, and while you're at it, can you find the Ramshackle Love Shack and go inside to see proof of Kerr's infidelity? Much obliged.
I can't remember HOW Jensen got injured by Mystery Miner, or if I forgot a scene. But soon we're in the hospital, where Jamie sees Jensen, wearing a tight green wifebeater. You understand how I might get distracted. HOLY. MOLY. Enjoy it, because that's all of the skin Ackles shows here. He's getting his left arm stitched up (shades of Dean Winchester) as Old Dude Ben listens to him say that Warden is back. Jamie asks what he means. In a HILARIOUS moment, Kerr suddenly pulls back the nearby privacy curtain and announces that he knows that Warden is dead. How does he know? Because Sheriff, Old Dude Ben, Kerr's dad, and Jensen's dad all buried his body out near Mine No. 5's exit.
Sheriff and Old Dude Ben lead Kerr, Jamie, Jensen, and Deputy Token to the burial site. The grave is empty. UH OH. Was he dead when they buried him? Well, if not, then he's dead now? Whuh? Brief scene of Deputy Token saying Jensen is the suspect, NOT Deputy Token. UH HUH.
That night, drunken Old Dude Ben at home jumps at shadows and aims a gun at the audience. Mystery Miner kills him by PUSHING HIS HEAD DOWN AND FORCING HIS EYE THROUGH THE PICKAX THAT HAD BEEN PINNED TO THE FLOOR in the struggle.
Say, does Mystery Miner have a distinct bowlegged gait? Just wondering.
Kerr thinks Jensen is the killer, so he has a deputy - Deputy Female Rookie - staked outside to keep an eye on (ahem) Kerr's family.
At the grocery store, Jamie and Slutty Ingenue are closing up shop. Slutty Ingenue asks her about Jensen, but odd noises grab their attention. Soon the lights go out. How about they creep through the aisles for a while until they see Mystery Miner? Jamie fights him off using frozen poultry and Slutty Ingenue uses a mop. The women run for the office, Slutty Ingenue screaming hilariously. Inside, they lock and bar the door with furniture. The window has a gate with a lock - lots of metal gates in this movie - and Jamie keeps Mystery Miner at bay by holding the furniture as Slutty Ingenue keeps trying key after key. She finally gets the lock open and starts sliding out legs first through the window, which only opened part way. Only the ladies notice that Mystery Miner is no longer chopping the hell out of the office door. Oops! Slutty Ingenue tries to get back in, but Mystery Miner grabs her from outside. Jamie pulls on Slutty Ingenue with no success. She disappears. Of course Jamie creeps to the window, and Mystery Miner pops out. Jamie jumps away and only THEN hits the alarm system by the door.
Jamie rushes through the store to the front door and runs into Kerr. How did he get there so fast? THAT IS IN NO WAY SUSPICIOUS. He tells her to stay behind him. They find Slutty Ingenue carved up in the alley with BE MINE 4 EVER scrawled on the bricks. STILL NOT SUSPICIOUS. As a paramedic tends to Jamie's arm - it was cut during the latest skirmish - she tells Kerr she knows about him and Slutty Ingenue. It was obvious. She doesn't seem mad about it, though. Guess it's small potatoes at this point. She goes to the hospital to get checked out.
Back at home, Noah watches cartoons as the housekeeper does laundry. The back door opens. Crack security there. The housekeeper turns to see Mystery Miner and screams. Outside, Sheriff surprises Deputy Female Rookie by saying, "He's in the house." His appearing out of nowhere? THAT IS IN NO WAY A RED HERRING. Deputy Female Rookie goes inside, finds Noah, and tells him to stay hidden. Sheriff sees a round light near the edge of a railing on the front porch and creeps toward it with his gun. But it's only a helmet when he gets there. OH NOES. Inside, Deputy Female Rookie hears the washing machine running. It's covered in blood. When she opens the door, the MELTED FACE AND SHOULDERS of the housekeeper fall out. As Deputy Female Rookie screams, Sheriff turns to see Mystery Miner, who PICKAXES HIM UPWARD THROUGH HIS CHIN SO THAT THE TIP IS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH. After some struggling, Mystery Miner yanks the pickax so THAT THE SHERIFF'S ENTIRE LOWER JAW (and some teeth) FLIES TOWARD THE FRONT CORNER OF THE SCREEN as the Sheriff falls off the porch. AWESOME.
I'm sure Deputy Female Rookie and Noah get away somehow. But what I remember next is that Jensen calls Jamie at the hospital asking if she trusts him. She does. He needs to show her something. Not THAT. Something about Kerr. In Jensen's truck, she gets a call from Kerr, who tells her that Jensen has been in a mental institution for the past seven years. She has to meet Kerr at the Ramshackle Love Shack. OMG WHOM CAN SHE TRUST? She chooses Kerr, and forces Jensen's car off the road WITH A BRANCH BUSTING THROUGH THE CENTER OF THE WINDSHIELD. Jamie runs through the woods. Jensen stumbles out of the car, falls onto his back, and screams to the heavens. Twice. I'm not making up that last part.
Ramshackle Love Shack. Jamie puts furniture in front of the door. It's become a pattern! She finds the box of V-Day candy and the card Slutty Ingenue got for Kerr. Jamie reads BE MINE 4 EVER, just like the bloody note in the alley! And now THE PHOTO OF JENSEN AND JAMIE IS IN THE INSIDE OF THAT BOX. And THEN! As she opens drawers and stuff looking for a weapon, she opens a pantry closet and what falls out but TONS OF VALENTINE'S DAY BOXES. OMG IS MYSTERY MINER HER HUSBAND? Let's ask him, because Mystery Miner has arrived to the shack and is trying to kill her! Fight fight escape by breaking a window and rolling down the roof. Say, Jamie, why don't you run to nearby Mine No. 5? That'll be a great hiding place.
I can't remember exactly how Jamie gets a gun, but the confrontation between her and her two loves culminates in the tunnel. Jensen tells Jamie she can't trust Kerr, and he's been setting Jensen up. Kerr is the killer; he wrote BE MINE 4 EVER in blood over Slutty Ingenue's body. Hold up, says Jamie. How do you know she's dead? And how the hell do you know what was on the wall? Er, you told me she was dead, stammers Jensen. Yeah, that's the ticket, Then Kerr is there, saying Jensen is the killer. Jamie keeps wavering the gun between them. Kerr says, hell shoot us both. Jensen is um what? Kerr says Jamie will have to shoot them both because that's the only way she'll be safe.
Then Jensen freaks out, screaming that Warden is behind Jamie. She turns part way to see, but Kerr shakes his head enough to distract her. SUSPENSE. Until Warden WALKS THROUGH JAMIE to reveal himself AS ONLY ALIVE INSIDE JENSEN'S FRAGILE LITTLE MIND. Then there's the "reveal" montage of how Jensen is possessed by Warden and killed everyone this time around (he used the pickax to wedge himself inside in the mine, etc.). The best part is that Jensen dug up the grave, which had a mask and pickax - but no bones? Basically, the boy is bonkers.
Jensen and Kerr fight. Punch punch. Jamie stands back. Kerr eventually gets A PICKAX TO THE GUT and Jamie shoots at Jensen, who runs away. Then, in a bit of artful symmetry, Kerr and Jamie hide in the same alcove they did ten years previously. Jensen has got his Mystery Miner persona (but not outfit) on, and he smashes lights with his pickax as he walks by them. Each time a bulb breaks, there's a special effects flash of the mask over Jensen's face. Of course there's only one bullet left, and Jamie has to use the gun as her spouse's intestines are most likely soup. After the requisite moment of Jensen's nice persona seeing the woman he loves aiming a gun at him, the serial killer takes over and attacks. Jamie fires, and we see the bullet go through Jensen's side and into some canisters behind him. Of course they're full of something flammable and of course there's an explosion hurtling Jensen backward.
Time passes. A recovery worker sees that Jensen, buried under some rubble, is hurt but obviously alive. We see all of this through the worker's P.O.V. As he turns to call for help, Jensen gives him (and us) A PICKAX THROUGH THE SIDE OF THE HEAD. Ow. The movie should have ended there, but instead we see Jamie stumbling out next to Kerr, who is on a stretcher. They are all happy and forgiving and married and shit. The kid is okay too. And lo and behold, a recovery worker limps from the mine to reveal that, yes, Jensen IS available for a sequel.
Conclusion: That boy's face and arms were made for the big screen boy howdy! Not an acting showcase in the least, but a good bunch of cheesy, gory fun, if that's your cup of tea.
Comments welcome.