My life is like a Spanish Soap Opera with Ghosts
Warning: this is all one sided, but then again it's from my point of view normally those things are one sided. I'm trying to see it from different angles, different point of views and this is what I've come up with. No one involved in a situation is excellent at seeing it from a point of view that is not their own, but I'm trying. I say it's Spanish because I don't understand Spanish and can't follow a soap opera for the life of me, and there are ghosts in my life. So here goes trying to analyze a situation I don't fully understand that seems to be spoken in a language that I can only understand a few words in anyways.
It's quite different. Kinda ironic. Through the past 3 weeks I have found out a few things. First of all I make my friends only friends of convenience. Second of all I can't read people at all. I'm depressed all the time. Because I openly admit to being depressed, and can't always figure out a way to cope with it I'm not depressed. I can turn my depression on and off like a light switch. All of this coming from the mouths of my roommate and my could have been roommates.
I've been forced out of a room for next year, because well I'll just bring everyone down. Apparently they believe that I just use them. I've also been depressed since November. There's nothing that I can do to convince them otherwise. I've started going to therapy because I couldn't cope with the abandonment, and the rejection.
I've been abandoned by those I considered friends. How could they be friends yet do this for me at the same time? Do friends give you a 7 page outline of everything you've done wrong? Do friends make a PowerPoint presentation with animations of all your faults to make you understand? Do friends tell you to move out on your own when one of your greatest fears is that you are alone? When friends promise they'll always be there for you and then proceed to ignore you at every turn are they still friends? What did I do to make them so angry at me? Lots of questions but no answers. I still don't know the answers to these questions.
Yet again I've developed the old-dog-getting-kicked-in-the-head syndrome. It's an appropriate title. The old dog is kicked in the head, flies across the room, but yet comes back wagging it's tail looking for more. I'm yet again the old dog. I'm wondering what I've done wrong, and go back to them to just be kicked away again. I don't want to let go, because I can't think of having a friendship ended over stupid things, such as me caring too much, and just want the same amount of caring in return, or venting my frustrations because I don't understand what's going on. I keep trying and trying and trying to fix whatever is wrong with them. I do it constantly. I run to them when they need me (except for once and they hold it against me). I've gone to sleep at night wondering if I'm going to wake up to find that my roommate killed herself while I was asleep and the fact that I worry about things like that are held against me. I've had her leave the room and not talk to me in days outside the words of whatever and yeah and because I worry if she's alright I have it held against me. I keep giving all that there is to me, and I keep getting slapped away. They say they do so much for me, and I do nothing in return. Maybe I shouldn't ask myself what I've done wrong, or how I could deserve such wonderful friends. It should be more of what have they done to deserve me doing so much for them with little to nothing in return?
Just this Wednesday I found out my roommate needs help with studying for our reproductive physiology class. I could have said no and sunk down to their level of maturity, but instead I put on my happy teacher face, and start teaching it to her page by page, slide by slide, example by example. Even after how she's been treating me for the past 3 weeks. I can't NOT help people. It's not who I am. She will always be the girl I promised I would never break our friendship, and that I would always help her if I could. She's the one who never made a promise of the same strength and magnitude in return to me. I don't break my promises of that nature, I refuse to, and I don't plan on doing it anytime within the near future.
I've talked to so many people about this. Including amy therapist. I've talked to my boyfriend, my boyfriends mom, my family, my high school friends. I did it all in the hopes to get my head around the situation. It's not that I'm upset by them wanting to have a life without me being in it 24/7, I don't expect that they want to be with me 24/7. They're allowed to want to move on, but could they have gone about it in a different manner? Yes. No doubt about it.
I've come to the realization through the help of my therapist that the people I "care" for are separated into two factions. My "family" and my friends. My friends don't stay with me. I told my therapist"It's as if we're standing on a beach. The tide takes them out to sea, for maybe a week. I stay where I am, in hopes that the tide will bring the back to me. Then the tide brings them back a changed person a mile down the beach, and every step I take towards them to see how they are, they take a step back keeping the new found distance from me. Until I stop walking after them, and go back to my point on the beach, and stare out at the ocean that has taken another one of my friends away from me, until I realize it was because I did something to let the sea take them away and change into different people and be someone other than the ones I loved." In a nutshell. I've had friends leave me for a long time. They always do. It's a fact of life, and I'm lucky if I can keep one for longer than a year. Why they leave I don't know and I look out for reasons why they are gone, and I normally blame myself for them leaving, because it's the only logical explanation left.
My family members are never far from me. They can be across the continent (which a few are), but we are as close as anyone could believe. I came to the revelation just now that the people in my nuclear family are the same way. My fake relatives are more real and familial to us than our actual relatives. My aunts and uncles I love have no actual relation to me whatsoever, while my blood family is more or less just...there. I have my archery family(6), my spiritual family(4), my lj family(? for I don't truly know who I can consider my family here I haven't been here long enough or as often enough to truly know), my fake extended family(9), and my real family(4). They are the ones I've decided that I really need to take care of, and not just my friends. My current roommate never fit into any of those families, I tried to make her fit, and tried to find her a place in my families, kinda like putting a square peg in a round hole it just didn't work. I've tried to make her my sister, and she's cut me off at most places. She's my platonic soul mate, but then again soul mates aren't family. From now on my family completely consists of 22 people (there was one person who fit into 2 families).
During all of this time. One thing has stayed constant. My little bird, Sky, his spirit has been with me and around me this whole time. While Jake (my neighbors dead dog) has decided that he's at least loved here, and decided to come to school with me. No one who can see him (meaning my spiritual family) walks through him, or disrespect his spirit. So now I have 2 spirits here to protect me instead of just one, it's surprisingly comforting. While Sky wants to meet everyone and be loved by all, Jake just protects me, and everyone has to pass his test or else they can't come near me. My big dog that lies on the ground and growls at those he doesn't like, a wonderful protector, I couldn't imagine a better one. He's too lazy to get up and attack those he doesn't like but he'll tell me that they aren't a good person all the same. This little amount of stability has helped me so much. I have a new roommate for next year. She's also spiritually aware. She saw Jake (she can actually see spirits while I can only sense their emotions and actions) and he liked her which is more than I could ask for from him. She was slightly confused by the sight of a very large dog that banged his tail rather loudly upon her entrance, and a bird flying to her shoulder and jabbering in her ear, for they were new and she's never seen them before. After a quick explanation she understood.
Next year hopefully will be a lot better. No more roommate drama. But then again it seems that my life is a Spanish Soap Opera with Ghosts. I'm just a character in it, lost in the plot twists, the drama, the woe, the agony, the jealousy, the betrayal, the friendships, and most importantly the ghosts who aren't going anywhere till I'm alright.
It's quite different. Kinda ironic. Through the past 3 weeks I have found out a few things. First of all I make my friends only friends of convenience. Second of all I can't read people at all. I'm depressed all the time. Because I openly admit to being depressed, and can't always figure out a way to cope with it I'm not depressed. I can turn my depression on and off like a light switch. All of this coming from the mouths of my roommate and my could have been roommates.
I've been forced out of a room for next year, because well I'll just bring everyone down. Apparently they believe that I just use them. I've also been depressed since November. There's nothing that I can do to convince them otherwise. I've started going to therapy because I couldn't cope with the abandonment, and the rejection.
I've been abandoned by those I considered friends. How could they be friends yet do this for me at the same time? Do friends give you a 7 page outline of everything you've done wrong? Do friends make a PowerPoint presentation with animations of all your faults to make you understand? Do friends tell you to move out on your own when one of your greatest fears is that you are alone? When friends promise they'll always be there for you and then proceed to ignore you at every turn are they still friends? What did I do to make them so angry at me? Lots of questions but no answers. I still don't know the answers to these questions.
Yet again I've developed the old-dog-getting-kicked-in-the-head syndrome. It's an appropriate title. The old dog is kicked in the head, flies across the room, but yet comes back wagging it's tail looking for more. I'm yet again the old dog. I'm wondering what I've done wrong, and go back to them to just be kicked away again. I don't want to let go, because I can't think of having a friendship ended over stupid things, such as me caring too much, and just want the same amount of caring in return, or venting my frustrations because I don't understand what's going on. I keep trying and trying and trying to fix whatever is wrong with them. I do it constantly. I run to them when they need me (except for once and they hold it against me). I've gone to sleep at night wondering if I'm going to wake up to find that my roommate killed herself while I was asleep and the fact that I worry about things like that are held against me. I've had her leave the room and not talk to me in days outside the words of whatever and yeah and because I worry if she's alright I have it held against me. I keep giving all that there is to me, and I keep getting slapped away. They say they do so much for me, and I do nothing in return. Maybe I shouldn't ask myself what I've done wrong, or how I could deserve such wonderful friends. It should be more of what have they done to deserve me doing so much for them with little to nothing in return?
Just this Wednesday I found out my roommate needs help with studying for our reproductive physiology class. I could have said no and sunk down to their level of maturity, but instead I put on my happy teacher face, and start teaching it to her page by page, slide by slide, example by example. Even after how she's been treating me for the past 3 weeks. I can't NOT help people. It's not who I am. She will always be the girl I promised I would never break our friendship, and that I would always help her if I could. She's the one who never made a promise of the same strength and magnitude in return to me. I don't break my promises of that nature, I refuse to, and I don't plan on doing it anytime within the near future.
I've talked to so many people about this. Including amy therapist. I've talked to my boyfriend, my boyfriends mom, my family, my high school friends. I did it all in the hopes to get my head around the situation. It's not that I'm upset by them wanting to have a life without me being in it 24/7, I don't expect that they want to be with me 24/7. They're allowed to want to move on, but could they have gone about it in a different manner? Yes. No doubt about it.
I've come to the realization through the help of my therapist that the people I "care" for are separated into two factions. My "family" and my friends. My friends don't stay with me. I told my therapist"It's as if we're standing on a beach. The tide takes them out to sea, for maybe a week. I stay where I am, in hopes that the tide will bring the back to me. Then the tide brings them back a changed person a mile down the beach, and every step I take towards them to see how they are, they take a step back keeping the new found distance from me. Until I stop walking after them, and go back to my point on the beach, and stare out at the ocean that has taken another one of my friends away from me, until I realize it was because I did something to let the sea take them away and change into different people and be someone other than the ones I loved." In a nutshell. I've had friends leave me for a long time. They always do. It's a fact of life, and I'm lucky if I can keep one for longer than a year. Why they leave I don't know and I look out for reasons why they are gone, and I normally blame myself for them leaving, because it's the only logical explanation left.
My family members are never far from me. They can be across the continent (which a few are), but we are as close as anyone could believe. I came to the revelation just now that the people in my nuclear family are the same way. My fake relatives are more real and familial to us than our actual relatives. My aunts and uncles I love have no actual relation to me whatsoever, while my blood family is more or less just...there. I have my archery family(6), my spiritual family(4), my lj family(? for I don't truly know who I can consider my family here I haven't been here long enough or as often enough to truly know), my fake extended family(9), and my real family(4). They are the ones I've decided that I really need to take care of, and not just my friends. My current roommate never fit into any of those families, I tried to make her fit, and tried to find her a place in my families, kinda like putting a square peg in a round hole it just didn't work. I've tried to make her my sister, and she's cut me off at most places. She's my platonic soul mate, but then again soul mates aren't family. From now on my family completely consists of 22 people (there was one person who fit into 2 families).
During all of this time. One thing has stayed constant. My little bird, Sky, his spirit has been with me and around me this whole time. While Jake (my neighbors dead dog) has decided that he's at least loved here, and decided to come to school with me. No one who can see him (meaning my spiritual family) walks through him, or disrespect his spirit. So now I have 2 spirits here to protect me instead of just one, it's surprisingly comforting. While Sky wants to meet everyone and be loved by all, Jake just protects me, and everyone has to pass his test or else they can't come near me. My big dog that lies on the ground and growls at those he doesn't like, a wonderful protector, I couldn't imagine a better one. He's too lazy to get up and attack those he doesn't like but he'll tell me that they aren't a good person all the same. This little amount of stability has helped me so much. I have a new roommate for next year. She's also spiritually aware. She saw Jake (she can actually see spirits while I can only sense their emotions and actions) and he liked her which is more than I could ask for from him. She was slightly confused by the sight of a very large dog that banged his tail rather loudly upon her entrance, and a bird flying to her shoulder and jabbering in her ear, for they were new and she's never seen them before. After a quick explanation she understood.
Next year hopefully will be a lot better. No more roommate drama. But then again it seems that my life is a Spanish Soap Opera with Ghosts. I'm just a character in it, lost in the plot twists, the drama, the woe, the agony, the jealousy, the betrayal, the friendships, and most importantly the ghosts who aren't going anywhere till I'm alright.