Self indulgencies.
So, I've not updated [to my personal journal] in the longer side of forever. I'd like to have something positive and happy to post but, eh. This is my journal and I'll cry if I want to. I have been keeping up with all of your lives, and I'm glad you're all doing well (some more well than others *wink*). There is much love here for you all.
So...
I always used to pride myself on being reasonably self confident. There was a history of SI and ana, true, but everyone goes through that at some point, surely? But, in a corset, in makeup, ready for a night out - yeah. I felt confident. I felt sexy, I could laugh and chat to anyone. I felt like I was worth something - worth my friends and worth nights out and worth my job. I liked being found attractive, even though I was, admittedly, very fat.
Even this year, despite illness, abstract panic at university pressures and the stress of money issues, I've been the happiest I've ever been. I liked getting drunk and having a laugh here in Swansea - I genuinely loved it here, loved the lifestyle, loved the people. Loved the independence. And there was those glorious, perfect weeks that, even though I was still big and stupid, I felt so beautiful and alive and so wanted and I was so completely, utterly happy.
Now everything has seemed to change. I haven't felt even remotely attractive in such a long time, and I'm miserable and lonely. I can't stand the girl in the mirror, she's so far from anything that anyone could ever love that I can't possibly abide it, and I've been cutting and apparently I'm anorexic (even though I always thought ana girls were thin). Yes, it's ridiculous, I've reverted to teenage coping mechanisms to try and get through the days, just that this time I have ADs (which don't work). But, with all of it... I just want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. Someone to want to hug me. Someone who wants to spend time with me without me begging first.
I want to be wanted.
Is that so bad?
And now I leave.
Buh bye.
x
P.S. I'm now on Facebook - Joey Johnstone
So...
I always used to pride myself on being reasonably self confident. There was a history of SI and ana, true, but everyone goes through that at some point, surely? But, in a corset, in makeup, ready for a night out - yeah. I felt confident. I felt sexy, I could laugh and chat to anyone. I felt like I was worth something - worth my friends and worth nights out and worth my job. I liked being found attractive, even though I was, admittedly, very fat.
Even this year, despite illness, abstract panic at university pressures and the stress of money issues, I've been the happiest I've ever been. I liked getting drunk and having a laugh here in Swansea - I genuinely loved it here, loved the lifestyle, loved the people. Loved the independence. And there was those glorious, perfect weeks that, even though I was still big and stupid, I felt so beautiful and alive and so wanted and I was so completely, utterly happy.
Now everything has seemed to change. I haven't felt even remotely attractive in such a long time, and I'm miserable and lonely. I can't stand the girl in the mirror, she's so far from anything that anyone could ever love that I can't possibly abide it, and I've been cutting and apparently I'm anorexic (even though I always thought ana girls were thin). Yes, it's ridiculous, I've reverted to teenage coping mechanisms to try and get through the days, just that this time I have ADs (which don't work). But, with all of it... I just want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. Someone to want to hug me. Someone who wants to spend time with me without me begging first.
I want to be wanted.
Is that so bad?
And now I leave.
Buh bye.
x
P.S. I'm now on Facebook - Joey Johnstone