Waking Up
This morning I woke up and realized I have a major problem. Namely me, and my inability/refusal to do the old hunt and peck for jobs. Except this search isn't old hat for me. I've never done it before, and that posed a problem. I don't know how or why, but the way I learn best (and this applies to every single life skill I now have that I can think of) is through personal guidance. Meaning one-on-one teaching. It usually doesn't take much. You do it in front of me, telling me what and why, and I'm set. No one has ever done that for me when it comes to the life skills that, for more reasons than the above, scare me and put me off. Namely, car buying, job hunting, and romance. I wrote a ridiculously long longhand essay on it this morning (the written word being the way I sort myself out), so this will contain highlights.
My conclusions? I need an application buddy, someone to show me the actual, physical, practical process of applying for jobs. And once I've been through it once or twice, I'll be empowered to do it myself. At least, that's been my experience thus far. Cooking? My sister taught me to make eggs, and my mom answered questions when I started baking. Driving? You better believe my parents gave me one-on-one instruction, plus a student driving course with practicals. What about...violin? Lessons, with a teacher, just for me (with mom supervising). Studying? Mom taught me. Math/reading/writing/typing? Same. Science/history/political science/public speaking/psychology/teaching? Classes. Knitting? Head of the knitting group taught me (she was amazing). I've been building on these skills ever since. The only thing I can think of that I've been teaching myself, rather than being explicitly shown, is social skills. Basically, I was thrown out into the world to sink or swim. I've been doing both, but with a little help from my therapists (are you getting the pattern yet?) it's been a lot more floating than gasping for air.
I'm not sure if this is an inborn trait, something I really do need, or a psychological thing I've tricked myself into. All I know is that it works. Someone shows me how to do stuff in person, and I learn. Simple as that.
Also, I realized I need to make my life more uncomfortable. Not in a bad way. I'm just very comfortable here at home, and I have no physical need (none!) to make money. Anything and everything I need is provided for. Well, except indenpendence. And that's what I'm aiming for, hindered by my utter lack of need to do so. If I were alone, in Ohio, in need of a job? I'd more than likely go out and get one, because it was necessary to live. But since I am in the loving (if somewhat annoying) womb of my parents home, I can live on the computer all day and only suffer the consequences of sitting all day and staring at a screen. And let me just say, I did predict this might happen, but my mother asked so nicely, and then my therapist was all about taking a break. Good gosh, I need help.
So I've done the unlikely, and asked my parents if I could pay them my car payment. It's a win/win, I think. I get more independence and a little reminder of what exactly I'm aiming for every month, and my parents get a little help with the bills. I did it via phone today, and telling my dad all this, I started crying. Not sure why yet, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Now, I need to go decide if I really am going to go try a yoga class.