Watch your Mouth!

[deepstryker]

Ok, here's just the first one that is finished.

Fandom: CoV
Word Count:284
Characters:Simaster, Komei and Thugs, Deepstryker, Harlequin Rogue
Warning:Language(let me know if I need to tone it down, or up)
Prompt/Request:none

BTW this takes place immediately after No Freeks, No Geekswhich in addition to being a great read, is essential to the set

Comments

[laridian]

Whew!~ Here I am at last. ^_^

I think the language is entirely appropriate - it reflects that Simaster really does keep some control over his thugs most of the time, and his own "watch your language, mister" upbringing. ;)

I would suggest, besides the link to "No Freaks, No Geeks," noting that reading that fic first explains this one - otherwise readers who skip NFNG might not follow what's going on.

A thick, heavy hand covered his mouth and half of his face. Another held him by the back of the head, holding him tight and dragging him in a quick circle.
I couldn't tell whether this was Komei or Deepstryker doing this. We're reading the fic from Komei's POV up to now. If it's Komei, I might suggest:

Komei's thick, heavy hand covered his mouth and half of the punk's face, as Komei grabbed him by the back of the head, holding him tight and dragging him in a quick circle.
That's still a bit clunky, but there's a better idea of who's doing what.

[deepstryker]

Thanks.

Reconciling POV, clarity, and style have always been a weak point of mine. Of course, I always know what I mean, but getting it across to others is the challenge(and the point to the excercise)

[kin_thalas]

The street slang is a bit difficult for me, but I love it. It fits to the thugs.

[deepstryker]

Thank you.
I just picture Simaster grabbing a local gang of Bloods and bending them to his will.

[kin_thalas]

It´s quite the same imagination I got of Nathalya, my MM. She´s grown in the streets of Mercy island and her thugs are her "buddys". She´s speaking street slang too, but I can´t do it in english, of course. ;)

[amaryssobellus]

I really like the short story and I it shows Deepstryker's personality more (I've never actually met him in game, too high level for me ^_~)

I too was a little confused the first time I read it about who was killing the young man who talked trashy about Harrly, but after the second re-read I got it. I do like that you painted a clear picture of what was going on though.... I hope that came out right.

[deepstryker]

Thank you

It's supposed to be one of those surprise reveals. Komei knows that Stryker hangs around, but that he's attack from the shadows. This was supposed to be a surprise attack for the reader. As a first fic, other than the intro, I may have gone for too much subtlety.

[iceraptoress]

I, along with the others, was a little confused as to who exactly was doing what at first, but a second read cleared it up. Nicely done, the detail of the actual assassination was spot on and I think you did nicely with Komei as well, portraying him as being concerned for his buddy's life, but not so concerned that he can't take another death in absoulte stride. The language was appropriate, considering who these guys are.

I also read your write-up on Stryker the other day (and sorry I didn't reply then). His background was very interesting and original. It's good to get to know everyone's characters better, and I was impressed with Deepstryker's deeply entrenched sense of guardianship over people like Harrly. After what Deepstryker's been through, it would take great personal strength to be able to maintain that. Also being a stalker, Shade would probably welcome an opportunity to work with and learn from someone like Deepstryker.

Keep working on these, I look forward to reading more. ^_^

[deepstryker]

Thank You, too
Means a lot to me. While I haven't been disciplined in my commentary, I have been reading. Still working on Moon's story.

I didn't see his defences of Harrly as being a measure of strength. I saw it more as selfish. Like a diabetic who can't eat sugar, but loves to look at beautiful wedding cakes, he voyeuristicly admires her innocence and won't let anyone smash his "cake". Eventually, as he 'heals', it will be about strength and friendship. Harrly just has that effect on people.