Sons of Anarchy fic - Hands [Tara Knowles, T]
Title: Hands
Pairing: None really, though obviously Jax/Tara is a thing
Rating: T
Wordcount: 293
Notes: This was the most painful episode of television I've ever experienced in my whole entire life, oh god make it stop.
Summary: She tries. She fails. She accepts and adapts because she has to, because anything less would be worse than this is.
She can hear voices through the door.
She knows it’s them, wants to worry about Jax or wonder at what inappropriate comment Tig would make to cheer her or the worry Juice seems to carry for her and can’t seem to bring herself to.
She floats. Numb on waves of drugs and rage and tears and finally apathy.
She’s lost.
It’s empty in the way it was with Jax in Stockton and her outside raising their family. When she wakes up he’s asleep at her bedside and it’s the same.
She doesn’t smile, doesn’t frown. Just nods or blinks or swallows or speaks or breaths and none of it even begins to fill that emptiness.
It’s worse.
Surgery after surgery after surgery and they think they can give her ninety percent mobility.
It’s not enough.
Wouldn’t be for the very worst at what she does.
She is was one of the best.
She tries. She fails. She accepts and adapts because she has to, because anything less would be worse than this is.
She has trouble cradling a mug of hot coffee on a cold day.
She gets up to 100 words per minute and her hands shake, bones aching with the effort.
She cries.
Jax is there. Always ready to take the blame and that, at least, would be easy except that none if it ever is.
It helps and it doesn’t and it hurts always sometimes.
Sometimes when she’s alone with the boys she’ll hold Abel up, sit him on her arm and press an ear to his chest. Listens to his heartbeat, steady and strong. She likes to think he knows that it was her, that his tiny heart is keeping him alive because of her hands.
She cries harder.