Panacea (for the_resolver)
Title: Panacea
Recipient: the_resolver
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2.8K
Warning(s): mentions of depression
Summary: college!au, jjp as roommates. jaebum tries to hide his illness from jinyoung but it doesn’t work.
A/N: special thanks to T and O for holding my hand while I wrote this!
Things Im Jaebum Is
1. A liar. He told me they were vitamin supplements. You don’t take vitamin supplements four times a day. You also don’t have a full-out nervous breakdown when you forget a dose. He’s a liar. (I don’t lie, I hide the truth. That’s different.)
2. A neat-freak. In pathological terms, an ablutomaniac. Our dorm floor doesn’t need deep-cleaning every week, and I honestly see nothing wrong with my bargain-rate laundry detergent, thank you very much. He claims his is better. He claims a lot of things. I have a hard time believing most of them without receipts (see no. 1).
3. A cinephile. Now you’d think we would get closer with this shared interest for noir films. But no. If anything it’s just brought us closer to choking each other a la film reels. Why must you be so stubborn.
Things Im Jaebum Isn’t
1. My concern.
_____________________________________________
Jinyoung wakes up in the middle of the night to his roommate’s shouts. Still groggy, he fumbles to turn on his lamp and looks over to see a shocked Jaebum sitting up on his bed.
“Everything okay?” Jinyoung asks, voice cracking from a lack of sleep.
Jaebum nods, “Just a nightmare,” but the palpable distress in his voice says otherwise.
Jinyoung sits up straighter. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s sort of a recurring nightmare, I guess,” Jaebum runs his hand through his hair, “Been getting it ever since I took those weeks off when I got sick.”
“From mono, right?”
“Yeah. Anyway, I just get these dreams where the meds don’t work in time and then I’d-” his voice falters.
Jinyoung presses forward, “You what?”
“And then I’d get stuck with a roomie nobody else wants.”
“Good night, Jaebum.”
_____________________________________________
Sticky Note Tag
on their door: please turn the knob when shutting the door.
above trash can at 7:15 am: Jr. takes out the garbage this week.
above trash can at 11:00 am, same note but subtly vandalized: JB takes out the garbage this week.
on dirty coffee mug: let me breathe.
over papers and textbooks strewn all over the floor: DON'T TOUCH. in the middle of a break-through.
across the corkboard: tutoring schedule for Thai exchange student- M/W/F 2-3; Tu/Th 4-5
next to second door lock: playing midnight soccer, double-locking hurts only you.
fallen near Jinyoung’s wardrobe: running late, borrowing your socks.
on Jaebum's laptop: where are my tigger socks? :(
on Jinyoung's socks, dry-cleaned: takeout’s on me :)
on Jaebum’s cellphone: you didn’t come back last night… call me when you do.
next to an energy drink on Jaebum’s desk: heard dance practice was brutal today.
sticking out of a book on Jinyoung's desk: read this. i think you'll like it.
_____________________________________________
He walks in to find their clothed limbs tangled together as if they were in a wrestling match that neither actually cared about winning.
Jinyoung is about to turn right back around when Jaebum notices him by the door.
“Oh, hey,” he grins mischievously, digging his elbow into the boy below him. The latter immediately emanates shrieking laughter and struggles for dominance. Jaebum reverts his attention back to him, lazily pinning down the boy’s wrists and moving down inches away from the other’s frozen face.
“I win,” Jaebum’s eyes spark a feral glint.
Jinyoung coughs.
Distracted, Jaebum looks up again. The other boy takes the moment of weakness to his advantage. He locks his legs around the other and heaves his weight to roll on top, ending with a triumphant yell of victory.
Straddling a growling Jaebum, the boy sits up, sweeps his messy bangs aside and faces Jinyoung.
“I’m Mark,” the boy’s face is flushed pink with adrenaline when he finally introduces himself. He nods at the body below him, “aka this loser’s brother from another mother.”
Jinyoung manages the sweetest smile he could muster without gagging.
_____________________________________________
“So,” Jinyoung stirs his coffee, “is Mark single?”
He wasn’t really asking for himself, not in the least. But mark is clearly head over heels for the roommate. So it’d be useful to know how often to expect him over, and whether Jinyoung needed to look for standby nightly accommodations.
Jaebum peers quizzically over his laptop. “He’s straight, you know.”
Jinyoung rolls his eyes.
“Well nobody’s completely straight,” Jaebum stretches his arms and yawns, “but in any case, you’re not his type.”
This wasn’t where the conversation was meant to go. A personal jab was uncalled for.
“Just what is his type that you assume I’m not?”
“He’s looking for a fun person,” Jaebum bites the inside of his cheek but fails to shut down that annoyingly blinding grin of his.
Indignant, Jinyoung sharply extends his coffee mug arm at Jaebum, almost spilling half of it in the process. “Did you just call me boring?”
Jaebum looks up at the ceiling, chews his cheeks and pretends to be deep in thought. Jinyoung has half a mind to march over and spill the rest of the coffee on his head.
And Jaebum’s face is suddenly serious and his words resonate deeply into Jinyoung’s heart, pierce his soul enough to knock the breath out of him, and electrify his very core into awakening.
“You’re not for fun. You’re a keeper.”
_____________________________________________
The nights in their room come in three primary colors.
blue:
“Good night,” Jinyoung raises his head up from the pile of history books on his desk and sleepily nods in response to the figure shuffling towards the bed, deftly pulling back the star-speckled covers, and collapsing in a thud.
Four hours later, he switches off his lamp and tiptoes to his own bed. Just as his eyelids were giving up and drowsiness was overtaking him, he hears a mumble.
He smiles in spite of himself.
yellow:
“It’s funny isn’t it?” he hears a quiet voice from the other end of the room.
“Hmm?” Jinyoung hums, staring at the ceiling casted with brightly moving shadows from the street down below.
There was a pause and the sound of the mattress springs creaking.
“How life’s just sort of set up for us. Like train tracks.”
“Um, sure,” sometime later he adds, “but you can choose your own tracks. You have options.”
“But what if I want to fly?”
“What kind of drugs do you take again?”
and red:
Jinyoung traces his fingertips across the moon pale body on the sheet, taking his time to memorize the subtle markings and contours along with the distinct tunes and rhythms each touch catalyzed.
By night the sheets are drenched with thoughtless rebellion and a most insatiable hunger.
By sunrise the aftermath transforms into blushed undertones and rosy delights, where they nuzzle underneath the blankets and tousle together like children. And everything else in the world simply dissolves into nothingness.
_____________________________________________
Jinyoung and Jaebum have a fixed schedule on who picks up the mail, and this week it was Jaebum’s turn. But Jinyoung is feeling extra gracious today. He walks into to the university post office, locates their mail section, and keys open their shared mailbox.
Inside is the most recent issue of The Filmmaker Magazine, two copies of reminders to sign up for the semester’s dining plan, and an assortment of the usual event pamphlets from university-sponsored clubs.
Buried in the middle is a letter for Jaebum. Jinyoung is about to stuff everything into his bag when he sees on the top left of the envelope, an emblem of a certain medical institution.
Jinyoung puts everything back into the mailbox, shaking.
_____________________________________________
tuberculosis [too-bur-kyuh-loh-sis]. noun, abbr. TB: An infectious bacterial disease characterized by the growth of nodules in the tissues, especially the lungs. His lungs. It can affect other parts of the body, too, notably the bones and joints and the central nervous system. The disease affects 9 million people each year. The bacterium doesn’t discriminate based on age- a 21 year old can be susceptible. Nor does it shy away from certain lifestyles. An active dancer? Why not! A health nut? No problem. A college student finally coming to terms with his depression? We’ve got you covered.
_____________________________________________
Jaebum’s Mind, Off-Limits
he gently blows strands of wet hair from your forehead and is greeted with a shallow huff, a lolling of the head, nothing more / shadows of the raindrops on glass form irregular tessellations across the wall, dancing off-beat / one move and you’re thrown off balance,
down
down
down you fall
a futile attempt at crying out ends in vain as your very lungs betray you / fractals in front of your eyes repeat endlessly, bringing along hot flashes and that oh-so-familiar unsettled feeling in your guts / the veins on autumn leaves transform into the veins on bloodshot eyes / your muscles are made of lead and your head of smoke…
this isn't you, where did you go?
_____________________________________________
20 Questions
Are you happy?
Do you know if you’re happy? How can you be sure? (What is happiness?) Is it the crinkling of your star-stained eyes? Is it your musical laughter that embraces everything around you? Is it the sound of your voice flowing so passionately, so deeply into song? Is it that feeling of calm in a comfortable silence of two? Is it when eyes share a joke that mouths are not privy to? Is it when emotions are conveyed through the heart and words are rendered useless? Does reading or watching movies or dancing make you happy? Do I make you happy? (No, don’t answer that.) Can I help you find your happiness? Do you want me to help you? Would I even be able to pull it off? Do I know you enough? Can I learn more? Should I learn more?
Are you worth my time?
Am I worth yours?
_____________________________________________
"How long have you known?"
"Since September."
Jaebum fidgets. His expressions are hard to read, transforming from guilt to fear to an indescribable tiredness. Jinyoung feels horrible. He didn’t want Jaebum to find out. Since Jaebum had kept it to himself, it clearly wasn’t something he was comfortable sharing. But you could only keep a secret from Jaebum for so long.
"Was this," his eyes flicker over from Jinyoung to his own shoes, "because you pity me?" his last words are almost incomprehensibly quiet.
Jinyoung is wide-eyed and he nearly shouts, "Of course not!"
Jaebum's hands wring together desperately. "You didn’t have to reciprocate my feelings if you didn’t mean them-"
"Jaebum i did mean them-"
Jaebum lets out a forced chuckle, "It's fine I'm," his voice cracks and his breath becomes languid. He takes another breath and tries again. "I've almost completely recovered, anyway. I'm not dying or anything," he plasters an artificial smile on his face.
"Jaebum," Jinyoung didn’t bother to hide the pure desperation in his voice, "I dont know how deep my feelings are for you yet. but it has nothing to do with your illness, I swear to god I really-"
"No," Jaebum rises from his chair, his head down, "you don’t have to apologize. This is my fault. I shouldn't have come to you like that. I'm sorry," he turns to his closet, grabs some shirts off the hangers and stuffs them in a duffel bag.
Jinyoung gets up in alarm. "Where are you going?"
"Mark's place. I'll be there for a few days to get my head sorted out." He briefly glances over at Jinyoung, his eyes visibly glazed. "And I think I've given you too much trouble. Please don't try to stop me."
Jinyoung watches Jaebum packing up the remaining essentials, at a complete loss. Jaebum heaves his bag over his shoulder, lingers for what seems like an eternity at the door, and then he was gone.
_____________________________________________
"Post-traumatic stress disorder," Youngjae concludes.
Jinyoung couldn't stay in their dorm any longer after Jaebum left, the air in there was suffocating. he brings his knees towards his chest and gently rocks back and forth on Youngjae's bed.
Youngjae clicks his pen and nods to himself, "That and depression are very common after the first stage of quarantine. It brings out guilt and remorse for the people they've put their burden on."
Jinyoung leans his head back on the wall. "But he isn’t a burden to me. I don't know how to make him understand."
"I don't know why y'all are breaking your heads over this," a voice chimed in. The two in the room turn their heads to Youngjae's roommate, who is leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed.
"The solution is very simple," Jackson strides inside and sits on his chair backwards, straddling it. "Jinyoung just has to show that he cares."
Youngjae vigorously shakes his head. “Withdrawal is sometimes needed to cope. If he’s resisting your help, you need to give him space until he's okay with opening up to you.”
Jackson pouts. “But that could be never!”
“It won’t be never,” Youngjae looks over at Jinyoung and smiles tenderly. “Jaebum knows what he’s going through. I’d bet money he’ll come back to you on his own.”
“So I guess I should just stay put?” Jinyoung smoothens out the rumpled blanket underneath him.
Jackson clears his throat, “If I may, your honor,” he bows his head at Youngjae, who sticks his tongue out at him. Jackson swivels his chair to face Jinyoung. “Now if I were you…”
_____________________________________________
The rattle of the door handle makes Jinyoung look up in surprise.
Jaebum set his bag near his bed and shakes off his backpack, careful not to make eye contact.
“Mark has a, um, guest over. I’ll only be here for the night,” he pointedly clears his throat.
“Your bro doesn’t have your back this time?”
Jaebum snaps his head up at an amused Jinyoung, furrowing his eyebrows. The latter puts his arms up in surrender, still grinning. Jaebum frowns.
“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.”
“It’s only 8 o'clock but sure, boss, do your thing.”
Jaebum narrows his eyes at him and is about to say something, but thinks better of it and begins undressing for the night.
Jinyoung suddenly remembers something and looks up.
“Oh. By the way, I asked Mark out.”
Jaebum trips and falls while trying to take off his pants.
“I’m kidding! He’s not my type, you know,” Jinyoung sleazily winks.
Jaebum groans and shakes his head, finally climbing into his bed. but Jinyoung didn’t miss that unmistakable hint of a smile playing on his lips.
Baby steps.
_____________________________________________
Jinyoung wakes up the next morning to find the other bed empty, along with the milk carton in their fridge and a sticky note on the fridge door saying so. He considers this to be a good sign and hums as he gets ready for the day.
Towards the end of the week, he sees Jaebum in between classes near the outdoor café talking to another student, a towering kid with blond bangs down to his eyes. Jinyoung tries to sneak past without notice but Jaebum glances over just in time. Jinyoung points at Jaebum and the kid, and then lifts up his hands over his face, peeking through in between his fingers. This time, Jaebum doesn’t suppress his signature wide grin as he mouths “shut up.”
The day that Jaebum moves back for good, Jinyoung is prepared with a welcome back gift.
“How high can it go?” Jaebum rotates the miniature plane over in his hand, tracing the JB engraved across its vertical stabilizer.
“About 150 feet. There are more expensive ones that go higher but I’m not a bank,” Jinyoung shrugs.
“Uh huh,” Jaebum is still fascinated by the toy. Finally, he looks up. “But why are you giving me this? It’s not my birthday for another month.”
“Because you said you wanted to fly, remember?”
Jaebum snorts. “You remember the most insignificant details.”
“Nothing about you is insignificant,” Jinyoung immediately backs away knowing what he’s done. Jaebum gently sets the plane on the desk and stares at it. Seconds pass. Jinyoung assumes an all-clear and lets his guard down.
Just then, Jaebum pounces and in no time, he has Jinyoung in an unforgiving headlock.
“Do. Not. Sweet. Talk. Me,” He enunciates each syllable with a jab into Jinyoung’s most ticklish part of his knee, and Jinyoung erupts into a fit of screams and giggles.
_____________________________________________
And then the day of the final treatment of doses, Jaebum asks if Jinyoung wants to come along.
“But only if you want to. For moral support. The hospital still kind of freaks me out,” Jaebum pulls on his fingers and looks at Jinyoung, hopeful.
Jinyoung wordlessly takes Jaebum's hand into his and interlocks their fingers.
It's going to be okay.
Even when it isn't, it will be.
Because the two of us will get through it together.
Recipient: the_resolver
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2.8K
Warning(s): mentions of depression
Summary: college!au, jjp as roommates. jaebum tries to hide his illness from jinyoung but it doesn’t work.
A/N: special thanks to T and O for holding my hand while I wrote this!
Things Im Jaebum Is
1. A liar. He told me they were vitamin supplements. You don’t take vitamin supplements four times a day. You also don’t have a full-out nervous breakdown when you forget a dose. He’s a liar. (I don’t lie, I hide the truth. That’s different.)
2. A neat-freak. In pathological terms, an ablutomaniac. Our dorm floor doesn’t need deep-cleaning every week, and I honestly see nothing wrong with my bargain-rate laundry detergent, thank you very much. He claims his is better. He claims a lot of things. I have a hard time believing most of them without receipts (see no. 1).
3. A cinephile. Now you’d think we would get closer with this shared interest for noir films. But no. If anything it’s just brought us closer to choking each other a la film reels. Why must you be so stubborn.
Things Im Jaebum Isn’t
1. My concern.
_____________________________________________
Jinyoung wakes up in the middle of the night to his roommate’s shouts. Still groggy, he fumbles to turn on his lamp and looks over to see a shocked Jaebum sitting up on his bed.
“Everything okay?” Jinyoung asks, voice cracking from a lack of sleep.
Jaebum nods, “Just a nightmare,” but the palpable distress in his voice says otherwise.
Jinyoung sits up straighter. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s sort of a recurring nightmare, I guess,” Jaebum runs his hand through his hair, “Been getting it ever since I took those weeks off when I got sick.”
“From mono, right?”
“Yeah. Anyway, I just get these dreams where the meds don’t work in time and then I’d-” his voice falters.
Jinyoung presses forward, “You what?”
“And then I’d get stuck with a roomie nobody else wants.”
“Good night, Jaebum.”
_____________________________________________
Sticky Note Tag
on their door: please turn the knob when shutting the door.
above trash can at 7:15 am: Jr. takes out the garbage this week.
above trash can at 11:00 am, same note but subtly vandalized: JB takes out the garbage this week.
on dirty coffee mug: let me breathe.
over papers and textbooks strewn all over the floor: DON'T TOUCH. in the middle of a break-through.
across the corkboard: tutoring schedule for Thai exchange student- M/W/F 2-3; Tu/Th 4-5
next to second door lock: playing midnight soccer, double-locking hurts only you.
fallen near Jinyoung’s wardrobe: running late, borrowing your socks.
on Jaebum's laptop: where are my tigger socks? :(
on Jinyoung's socks, dry-cleaned: takeout’s on me :)
on Jaebum’s cellphone: you didn’t come back last night… call me when you do.
next to an energy drink on Jaebum’s desk: heard dance practice was brutal today.
sticking out of a book on Jinyoung's desk: read this. i think you'll like it.
_____________________________________________
He walks in to find their clothed limbs tangled together as if they were in a wrestling match that neither actually cared about winning.
Jinyoung is about to turn right back around when Jaebum notices him by the door.
“Oh, hey,” he grins mischievously, digging his elbow into the boy below him. The latter immediately emanates shrieking laughter and struggles for dominance. Jaebum reverts his attention back to him, lazily pinning down the boy’s wrists and moving down inches away from the other’s frozen face.
“I win,” Jaebum’s eyes spark a feral glint.
Jinyoung coughs.
Distracted, Jaebum looks up again. The other boy takes the moment of weakness to his advantage. He locks his legs around the other and heaves his weight to roll on top, ending with a triumphant yell of victory.
Straddling a growling Jaebum, the boy sits up, sweeps his messy bangs aside and faces Jinyoung.
“I’m Mark,” the boy’s face is flushed pink with adrenaline when he finally introduces himself. He nods at the body below him, “aka this loser’s brother from another mother.”
Jinyoung manages the sweetest smile he could muster without gagging.
_____________________________________________
“So,” Jinyoung stirs his coffee, “is Mark single?”
He wasn’t really asking for himself, not in the least. But mark is clearly head over heels for the roommate. So it’d be useful to know how often to expect him over, and whether Jinyoung needed to look for standby nightly accommodations.
Jaebum peers quizzically over his laptop. “He’s straight, you know.”
Jinyoung rolls his eyes.
“Well nobody’s completely straight,” Jaebum stretches his arms and yawns, “but in any case, you’re not his type.”
This wasn’t where the conversation was meant to go. A personal jab was uncalled for.
“Just what is his type that you assume I’m not?”
“He’s looking for a fun person,” Jaebum bites the inside of his cheek but fails to shut down that annoyingly blinding grin of his.
Indignant, Jinyoung sharply extends his coffee mug arm at Jaebum, almost spilling half of it in the process. “Did you just call me boring?”
Jaebum looks up at the ceiling, chews his cheeks and pretends to be deep in thought. Jinyoung has half a mind to march over and spill the rest of the coffee on his head.
And Jaebum’s face is suddenly serious and his words resonate deeply into Jinyoung’s heart, pierce his soul enough to knock the breath out of him, and electrify his very core into awakening.
“You’re not for fun. You’re a keeper.”
_____________________________________________
The nights in their room come in three primary colors.
blue:
“Good night,” Jinyoung raises his head up from the pile of history books on his desk and sleepily nods in response to the figure shuffling towards the bed, deftly pulling back the star-speckled covers, and collapsing in a thud.
Four hours later, he switches off his lamp and tiptoes to his own bed. Just as his eyelids were giving up and drowsiness was overtaking him, he hears a mumble.
He smiles in spite of himself.
yellow:
“It’s funny isn’t it?” he hears a quiet voice from the other end of the room.
“Hmm?” Jinyoung hums, staring at the ceiling casted with brightly moving shadows from the street down below.
There was a pause and the sound of the mattress springs creaking.
“How life’s just sort of set up for us. Like train tracks.”
“Um, sure,” sometime later he adds, “but you can choose your own tracks. You have options.”
“But what if I want to fly?”
“What kind of drugs do you take again?”
and red:
Jinyoung traces his fingertips across the moon pale body on the sheet, taking his time to memorize the subtle markings and contours along with the distinct tunes and rhythms each touch catalyzed.
By night the sheets are drenched with thoughtless rebellion and a most insatiable hunger.
By sunrise the aftermath transforms into blushed undertones and rosy delights, where they nuzzle underneath the blankets and tousle together like children. And everything else in the world simply dissolves into nothingness.
_____________________________________________
Jinyoung and Jaebum have a fixed schedule on who picks up the mail, and this week it was Jaebum’s turn. But Jinyoung is feeling extra gracious today. He walks into to the university post office, locates their mail section, and keys open their shared mailbox.
Inside is the most recent issue of The Filmmaker Magazine, two copies of reminders to sign up for the semester’s dining plan, and an assortment of the usual event pamphlets from university-sponsored clubs.
Buried in the middle is a letter for Jaebum. Jinyoung is about to stuff everything into his bag when he sees on the top left of the envelope, an emblem of a certain medical institution.
Jinyoung puts everything back into the mailbox, shaking.
_____________________________________________
tuberculosis [too-bur-kyuh-loh-sis]. noun, abbr. TB: An infectious bacterial disease characterized by the growth of nodules in the tissues, especially the lungs. His lungs. It can affect other parts of the body, too, notably the bones and joints and the central nervous system. The disease affects 9 million people each year. The bacterium doesn’t discriminate based on age- a 21 year old can be susceptible. Nor does it shy away from certain lifestyles. An active dancer? Why not! A health nut? No problem. A college student finally coming to terms with his depression? We’ve got you covered.
_____________________________________________
Jaebum’s Mind, Off-Limits
he gently blows strands of wet hair from your forehead and is greeted with a shallow huff, a lolling of the head, nothing more / shadows of the raindrops on glass form irregular tessellations across the wall, dancing off-beat / one move and you’re thrown off balance,
down
down
down you fall
a futile attempt at crying out ends in vain as your very lungs betray you / fractals in front of your eyes repeat endlessly, bringing along hot flashes and that oh-so-familiar unsettled feeling in your guts / the veins on autumn leaves transform into the veins on bloodshot eyes / your muscles are made of lead and your head of smoke…
this isn't you, where did you go?
_____________________________________________
20 Questions
Are you happy?
Do you know if you’re happy? How can you be sure? (What is happiness?) Is it the crinkling of your star-stained eyes? Is it your musical laughter that embraces everything around you? Is it the sound of your voice flowing so passionately, so deeply into song? Is it that feeling of calm in a comfortable silence of two? Is it when eyes share a joke that mouths are not privy to? Is it when emotions are conveyed through the heart and words are rendered useless? Does reading or watching movies or dancing make you happy? Do I make you happy? (No, don’t answer that.) Can I help you find your happiness? Do you want me to help you? Would I even be able to pull it off? Do I know you enough? Can I learn more? Should I learn more?
Are you worth my time?
Am I worth yours?
_____________________________________________
"How long have you known?"
"Since September."
Jaebum fidgets. His expressions are hard to read, transforming from guilt to fear to an indescribable tiredness. Jinyoung feels horrible. He didn’t want Jaebum to find out. Since Jaebum had kept it to himself, it clearly wasn’t something he was comfortable sharing. But you could only keep a secret from Jaebum for so long.
"Was this," his eyes flicker over from Jinyoung to his own shoes, "because you pity me?" his last words are almost incomprehensibly quiet.
Jinyoung is wide-eyed and he nearly shouts, "Of course not!"
Jaebum's hands wring together desperately. "You didn’t have to reciprocate my feelings if you didn’t mean them-"
"Jaebum i did mean them-"
Jaebum lets out a forced chuckle, "It's fine I'm," his voice cracks and his breath becomes languid. He takes another breath and tries again. "I've almost completely recovered, anyway. I'm not dying or anything," he plasters an artificial smile on his face.
"Jaebum," Jinyoung didn’t bother to hide the pure desperation in his voice, "I dont know how deep my feelings are for you yet. but it has nothing to do with your illness, I swear to god I really-"
"No," Jaebum rises from his chair, his head down, "you don’t have to apologize. This is my fault. I shouldn't have come to you like that. I'm sorry," he turns to his closet, grabs some shirts off the hangers and stuffs them in a duffel bag.
Jinyoung gets up in alarm. "Where are you going?"
"Mark's place. I'll be there for a few days to get my head sorted out." He briefly glances over at Jinyoung, his eyes visibly glazed. "And I think I've given you too much trouble. Please don't try to stop me."
Jinyoung watches Jaebum packing up the remaining essentials, at a complete loss. Jaebum heaves his bag over his shoulder, lingers for what seems like an eternity at the door, and then he was gone.
_____________________________________________
"Post-traumatic stress disorder," Youngjae concludes.
Jinyoung couldn't stay in their dorm any longer after Jaebum left, the air in there was suffocating. he brings his knees towards his chest and gently rocks back and forth on Youngjae's bed.
Youngjae clicks his pen and nods to himself, "That and depression are very common after the first stage of quarantine. It brings out guilt and remorse for the people they've put their burden on."
Jinyoung leans his head back on the wall. "But he isn’t a burden to me. I don't know how to make him understand."
"I don't know why y'all are breaking your heads over this," a voice chimed in. The two in the room turn their heads to Youngjae's roommate, who is leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed.
"The solution is very simple," Jackson strides inside and sits on his chair backwards, straddling it. "Jinyoung just has to show that he cares."
Youngjae vigorously shakes his head. “Withdrawal is sometimes needed to cope. If he’s resisting your help, you need to give him space until he's okay with opening up to you.”
Jackson pouts. “But that could be never!”
“It won’t be never,” Youngjae looks over at Jinyoung and smiles tenderly. “Jaebum knows what he’s going through. I’d bet money he’ll come back to you on his own.”
“So I guess I should just stay put?” Jinyoung smoothens out the rumpled blanket underneath him.
Jackson clears his throat, “If I may, your honor,” he bows his head at Youngjae, who sticks his tongue out at him. Jackson swivels his chair to face Jinyoung. “Now if I were you…”
_____________________________________________
The rattle of the door handle makes Jinyoung look up in surprise.
Jaebum set his bag near his bed and shakes off his backpack, careful not to make eye contact.
“Mark has a, um, guest over. I’ll only be here for the night,” he pointedly clears his throat.
“Your bro doesn’t have your back this time?”
Jaebum snaps his head up at an amused Jinyoung, furrowing his eyebrows. The latter puts his arms up in surrender, still grinning. Jaebum frowns.
“I’m tired. I’m going to sleep.”
“It’s only 8 o'clock but sure, boss, do your thing.”
Jaebum narrows his eyes at him and is about to say something, but thinks better of it and begins undressing for the night.
Jinyoung suddenly remembers something and looks up.
“Oh. By the way, I asked Mark out.”
Jaebum trips and falls while trying to take off his pants.
“I’m kidding! He’s not my type, you know,” Jinyoung sleazily winks.
Jaebum groans and shakes his head, finally climbing into his bed. but Jinyoung didn’t miss that unmistakable hint of a smile playing on his lips.
Baby steps.
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Jinyoung wakes up the next morning to find the other bed empty, along with the milk carton in their fridge and a sticky note on the fridge door saying so. He considers this to be a good sign and hums as he gets ready for the day.
Towards the end of the week, he sees Jaebum in between classes near the outdoor café talking to another student, a towering kid with blond bangs down to his eyes. Jinyoung tries to sneak past without notice but Jaebum glances over just in time. Jinyoung points at Jaebum and the kid, and then lifts up his hands over his face, peeking through in between his fingers. This time, Jaebum doesn’t suppress his signature wide grin as he mouths “shut up.”
The day that Jaebum moves back for good, Jinyoung is prepared with a welcome back gift.
“How high can it go?” Jaebum rotates the miniature plane over in his hand, tracing the JB engraved across its vertical stabilizer.
“About 150 feet. There are more expensive ones that go higher but I’m not a bank,” Jinyoung shrugs.
“Uh huh,” Jaebum is still fascinated by the toy. Finally, he looks up. “But why are you giving me this? It’s not my birthday for another month.”
“Because you said you wanted to fly, remember?”
Jaebum snorts. “You remember the most insignificant details.”
“Nothing about you is insignificant,” Jinyoung immediately backs away knowing what he’s done. Jaebum gently sets the plane on the desk and stares at it. Seconds pass. Jinyoung assumes an all-clear and lets his guard down.
Just then, Jaebum pounces and in no time, he has Jinyoung in an unforgiving headlock.
“Do. Not. Sweet. Talk. Me,” He enunciates each syllable with a jab into Jinyoung’s most ticklish part of his knee, and Jinyoung erupts into a fit of screams and giggles.
_____________________________________________
And then the day of the final treatment of doses, Jaebum asks if Jinyoung wants to come along.
“But only if you want to. For moral support. The hospital still kind of freaks me out,” Jaebum pulls on his fingers and looks at Jinyoung, hopeful.
Jinyoung wordlessly takes Jaebum's hand into his and interlocks their fingers.
It's going to be okay.
Even when it isn't, it will be.
Because the two of us will get through it together.