Title: He's a Monster and I'm My Own Worst Enemy
Recipient:
lahdeedah000Rating: R
Word Count: 11,000
Warning(s): Bi erasure (sort of), some physical manhandling
Summary: Canon. Jinyoung is jealous of Jaebum and sets out to get his revenge even though Jaebum isn't his to be jealous over, a fact which is completely and entirely Jinyoung's own fault.
A/N: Dear recipient, I really hope you like this. I had lots of fun writing it though I don't really feel like I did the prompt justice. Please forgive me.
part one |
two They had only popped into the company building to let Jinyoung get some stuff signed before heading out again. It’s the end of their well-deserved day off and if Jingyoung had had his way they wouldn’t have been coming in until tomorrow when they were actually supposed to be working. However, Jaebum had guilt-tripped him into doing it today with his infuriating ‘concerned leader’ routine (like Jinyoung isn’t usually as reliable as Jaebum if not more so) so here they both are. Luckily Jaebum had found their Min sitting around waiting to talk to one of the managers to occupy him while Jinyoung got his stuff sorted.
They’re still there when Jinyoung gets out of the office, sitting close and chatting like they are old friends. Jaebum looks so comfortable talking to Min it makes Jinyoung's skin crawl. He knows he probably looks like he's chewing on something bitter with the way Min keeps glancing over, concerned, but fuck it. He’s allowed not to be a ray of sunshine all the time. A few minutes later Jaebum flashes him a look and then he hears-
“Don't worry about him, noona. He's probably just in one of his moods again." Jaebum does that smile where his eyes disappear and he looks like a dork. "I'm looking after him well, I promise."
Jinyoung's teeth grind in annoyance. Jaebum is not supposed to be smooth. Jaebum is supposed to be dorky and sweet and kinda dumb. Jaebum should not be good at talking to girls. Most importantly Jaebum should not be badmouthing him to make himself look better to those girls.
“I’m done.” He says flatly.
“Cool.” Jaebum stands up. “It was nice talking to you noona. See you around!”
“Yeah, it was. We should do it again sometime.” Min smiles at Jaebum. Jinyoung wants to rip her hair out with his teeth.
“Sure! Send me a message!” Jaebum calls, walking backwards behind Jinyoung.
Jinyoung doesn’t wait to hear Min’s answer. He storms out of the building and into the car, angrily pulling his seatbelt into place. He can tell his manager is looking at him in the rearview mirror as if he’s crazy but he doesn’t care. Jaebum is an arsehole.
"Hey, what's up?" Jaebum asks as he hops in the back of the car. He’s five minutes later than Jinyoung was. Jinyoung knows it can’t have taken him that long to walk down the stairs after Jinyoung.
"I don't know, I think I'm just in one of ‘my moods' again." Jinyoung fires back.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Jaebum rolls his eyes.
“What way did you mean it then? That I’m difficult? That I’m too much to deal with?” Jinyoung crosses his arms and stares defiantly ahead. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Jaebum shake his head.
“Stop twisting everything I say and listen to me - I just didn’t want her to worry about us, okay?”
Jinyoung snorts.
“So me being, and I quote, ‘in a mood’ isn’t something to worry about because I get them so regularly they can’t be about anything important. Jinyoung couldn’t possibly have something actually bothering him, oh no. He’s just a moody bitch.”
He can tell Jaebum’s temper is rising because his fists are clenched and his eyes are growing hard and he’s expecting him to explode. Then suddenly, unexpectedly, it’s all gone.
“Is something bothering you, Jinyoungie? You can tell me, you know.” He must read something on Jinyoung’s face because immediately he follows up, “or you can talk to Mark-hyung or whatever.”
“There’s nothing.” Jinyoung forces a smile he knows doesn’t fool Jaebum in the slightest and turns over in his seat. “I’m going to sleep now. Wake me up when we get there.”
“Okay.” Jaebum says but he doesn’t settle back into his seat to sleep like Jinyoung does. Instead Jinyoung can feel the weight of his gaze on his back, heavy and oppressive.
They don’t speak the whole car journey home. Jinyoung doesn’t sleep, just lies there pretending to doze and ignoring the little voice in his head that tells him he overreacted. He isn’t jealous. He isn’t.
Xxx
Jinyoung needs a plan of revenge. It’s kind of petty and he knows it but he just wants Jaebum to share his pain. It isn’t fair that he has to deal with feeling like this all alone and Jaebum gets to swan around, oblivious.
He’s got Mark draped over him at one of their fansigns when the idea strikes him. He’s used to playing up his skinship with Mark - it’s fun to make the fangirls scream - but this time he looks up and sees Jaebum staring at them with an inscrutable look on his face. Jinyoung’s breath catches. It’s intense, so intense that time seems to stop and it's him and Jaebum that exist in this tiny infinity -
Until Jackson bounds in, jumps on Jaebum and breaks them both out of the daze they’d been in.
He doesn’t have time to analyse that look then. He’s quickly swept up in the rest of the fan sign - playing with the other members, doing aegyo and generally horsing around - but later, when he’s lying in his bed, he recalls that look. It’s burning hot, but not angry.
Was Jaebum jealous? Of what? Of Mark?
It’s true he and Jaebum have never had the kind of skinship he shares with Mark (or Jaebum with Jackson, he reminds himself sourly) but Jinyoung had always though that’s because that’s the way Jaebum has wanted it.
Had he been wrong?
It doesn’t matter. He needs to focus on his plan, not on hypothetical 'maybe's. The whole thing has him thinking - if that’s how Jaebum reacts if he has Mark all over him, a guy who has absolutely no designs on Jinyoung at all, how would he react if it were someone who were actually interested in Jinyoung?
What if Jinyoung could somehow organise it so that Jaebum could witness Jinyoung flirting? It would have to be a man - he’d come out to Jaebum several years earlier there’s no way he’d buy Jinyoung flirting with a woman - which will be difficult to find. Anyone they both know would never work. So a stranger, then.
But where would Jinyoung find a stranger he can drape all over him - where Jaebum can see - who will still be discreet enough that the news won’t get out?
Jinyoung clicks his fingers. Of course! Before Jinyoung debuted in got7 and his life was taken up essentially being mother to six oversized children there was a very discreet club catering to men of his… persuasion that he used to like to frequent. He grins to himself. It’s perfect.
Xxx
He sets his plan in motion as soon as they are told they’ll have a free day. He corners Jaebum on the couch and pulls out his most fearsome weapon - his aegyo. He’s half sure Jaebum will agree just to get him to stop.
"C'moooon," he whines, batting his eyelashes and sticking out his bottom lip. "Come to the club with me! It'll be fun, I promise."
Jaebum looks torn. He knows the club Jinyoung means, Jinyoung has mentioned it to him before, but he’s never asked Jaebum to join him before now. Jinyoung can see the wheels turning in his head, can practically hear the cogs whirring. He gives his most winning smile.
"Okay." Jaebum says. He still looks as if he wants to say no, but as far as Jinyoung is concerned this is the best result because Jaebum rarely goes back on his word.
"Really?" His smile has got big and he can tell the crinkles round his eyes have appeared because Jaebum is looking at his eyes and trying not to smile himself.
"This is a bad idea."
"I don't have bad ideas." Jinyoung sniffs. "You must be confusing me with someone else."
Jaebum grows serious at that, the smile previously threatening to break transformed into a frown. He looks like he's going to say something but in the end he just hums and Jinyoung isn't sure whether it's in agreement or to stop him from having to speak.
"So this Saturday then?" He tries jovially.
"Yeah."
"Great!" It comes out too happy, kinda forced and Jinyoung almost winces. Wasn't he supposed to be the actor here? He tries a smile. "I'm gonna go find Mark, ask him to babysit."
Jaebum doesn't laugh at that like he usually would and Jinyoung leaves feeling like he's missed a whole chunk of the conversation.
Xxx
Saturday feels like it takes forever to arrive and then once it does it goes too quickly. Jinyoung is an excited mess all day, so hyper and distracted that Mark asks him jokingly if he’s been possessed by Jackson’s spirit. (Jackson doesn’t find that very funny.)
He tries on three outfits before he has the right one. It’s dressed up enough for the club but understated enough that he doesn’t look like he’s asking to be groped (he has an outfit for that occasion too but tonight he doesn’t want to come on too strong). No, tonight Jinyoung has decided on a reasonably tight pair of jeans and his favourite shirt, rolled up at the sleeves and open at the throat. A spritz of the cologne Jaebum bought him for Christmas, a quick slather of bb cream and Jinyoung is ready to go.
Jaebum, too, has dressed up. He’s gelled his hair up and away from his face in the way Jinyoung likes because it shows off his cheekbones. He’s wearing eyeliner too - he must have asked Bambam to do it because Jinyoung knows Jaebum can’t do it himself - and he looks almost sinfully good.
Jinyoung’s eyes flicker to Jaebum’s thighs. Oh yes, he looks good. Maybe he should suggest to their stylists that Jaebum should wear skin-tight jeans more often.
“Hey!” He waves dumbly, even though they’re three feet away from each other.
“Hey.” Jaebum replies, almost shyly. He looks nervous, which Jinyoung doesn’t understand. It’s just two friends going to a club together. Admittedly it’s a gay club. Oh, he thinks to himself, maybe that’s what the problem is. Jinyoung had assured him it would be fun but maybe Jaebum is having second thoughts about being the only straight guy in a sea of gays.
Jinyoung smiles at Jaebum, trying to look reassuring. “Shall we go?”
Jaebum nods tersely. As they are walking out the door Jackson calls out “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” and Jinyoung rolls his eyes.
“Is there anything he wouldn’t do?” He asks almost rhetorically.
Jaebum laughs. Jinyoung hadn’t really meant for him to hear but he can’t bring himself to regret it, not when Jaebum seems more relaxed after his little slip of the tongue. They grin at each other and Jinyoung almost feels bad for what he’s about to do.
xxx
As soon as they arrive at the club Jinyoung puts his plan into motion. He doesn’t ignore Jaebum outright. They go to the bar to get a drink and it’s nice - they laugh and joke about some of the not-so-skilled dancers on the floor. They talk about everything and nothing - Bambam’s crush on one of their stylists and Youngjae’s recent obsession with Bruno Mars - but Jinyoung never forgets his prime objective, no matter how much this feels like a date.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” He says, nodding in the direction of the bathrooms. It’s not a lie - he really does need a piss. However, he’s not planning on coming straight back.
It’s genius really - if he’d said he was going to dance Jaebum would have insisted on coming with him but this way he can just act like he was waylaid on the way back.
And waylaid he is. He’s not halfway through the dance floor before there’s a guy smiling at him and asking him to dance. Jinyoung returns the smile flirtatiously, eyes coy and full of promises he’s not going to fulfil. He drags the guy through the crowd until he’s got Jaebum in his sights. When Jaebum turns round, he’ll see Jinyoung. All he has to do now is wait.
Smirking, he wraps the stranger’s arms round his waist and draws him in behind him until they’re pressed together completely. He’s taller than Jinyoung and Jaebum both and for a second Jinyoung is disappointed. Then he’s lost in the music, the baseline thrumming through him more important than thinking about his plan for the moment. Jaebum will notice him eventually. All that’s left to do is to enjoy himself.
And he is enjoying himself, but not for the reasons the guy behind him probably things. There’s hot breath on the back on the back of his neck and warmth running down is back and ghosting up his sides where the guy’s hands are running up and down but it’s not the heat Jinyoung’s interested in. He glances over once in a while to the bar because he can feel Jaebum’s heated stare. He can feel the white hot spike of his jealousy all the way from here even without looking, but when he catches a glimpse of Jaebum’s eyes - god it makes him shiver. A wave of want runs through him every time he sees them blazing on the other side of the dance floor.
Come and get me.
He thinks to himself, willing Jaebum to do something, anything.
Jaebum slams his drink down on the bar and jumps off his stool. At first Jinyoung is worried he’s going to leave, rendering his whole plan a waste of time, but then he sees him weave his way through the crowd. He moves with a single-minded purpose, eyes never once leaving Jinyoung until he’s right there in front of them looming tall and angry and beautiful like an avenging angel.
"May I cut in?" Jaebum sounds pissed. There's a veneer of politeness thrown over it that might be enough to fool Jinyoung's dance partner but he knows better. That's pure ice in Jaebum's voice. It makes Jinyoung want to purr.
He doesn’t say anything. He meets Jaebum’s eyes with a look that is equal parts goading and defiant as he leans his head back to rest on the guy behind him’s shoulder.
“You his bodyguard or something?” The guy says. “Because he looks more than happy staying here with me.”
“Or something.” Jaebum grits out. “Come on Jinyoung, we’re going.”
Jinyoung looks up at Jaebum through his lashes. He takes great pleasure in watching the muscle in Jaebum’s jaw jump.
"Why? I’m having fun."
"Yeah, well. You're the only one. Let's go."
Jaebum grabs him and drags him out the club by his wrist.
"The hell Jaebum, get your fuckin' hands off me!" Jinyoung struggles in Jaebum’s grip. It’s vice tight and he can’t break free. It hurts. They are outside in the alleyway out the back of the club before Jinyoung manages to wrench his arm free of Jaebum’s hold.
"I'm calling a cab." Jaebum tells him.
"Well you can do that, Jaebum-sshi, but I ain't gettin' in it." He’s slipped into dialect without meaning to, but by god he’s pissed. They guy at the club was right - Jaebum isn’t his boyfriend and he has no right to order him around.
Jaebum mutters something under his breath about knowing this was a bad idea and Jinyoung sees red.
"Fuck you!" He shouts. "You ain't my keeper and if it is a bad idea it's mine to make, so I'm goin' back in to find people who appreciate me fuck you very much."
"Appreciate you? Jesus fucking Christ are you playing with me right now?" Jaebum is practically vibrating with rage, hands fisted at his sides and every muscle in his body taut with anger. This wasn't what Jinyoung wanted.
"Why did you invite me asking tonight, Jinyoung? Because it sure as hell didn't like you needed me there." Jaebum snaps.
"I wanted t' go with you." Jinyoung says in a small voice.
Jaebum snorts. "Yeah, I'm sure. That's why you ignored me the whole night."
"I did-" He protests.
"Was this just some kind of elaborate test? 'Take Jaebum to a gay bar, see if he's disgusted by the idea of two guys together, see if he's lying'?" Jaebum's voice cracks. "For the love of God, I told you I loved you."
"You're straight." Jinyoung whispers. "You like women."
Jaebum looks like he’s about to tear his hair out in frustration. "How many times do I have to say it? I'm not fucking straight! I like women and I like men and I'm in love with you!"
"Stop saying that." Jinyoung begs. Even looking Jaebum in the eyes hurts, anger and bitterness and honesty all shining so brightly as if to blind Jinyoung.
"I'll say it until you take me seriously."
They stand there in the road like it's a Mexican standoff and their only weapons are their words and their stubbornness. Jaebum’s jaw is so tightly clenched Jinyoung can see the muscle twitching under the skin. He knows Jaebum is beyond pissed now, knows that this is beyond the usual realms of Jaebum’s anger - the kind that boils permanently near the surface - that this has devolved into something deep and raw and unfettered. Jinyoung knows because he knows Jaebum.
Then, like a flash, the anger is gone and all that stands before him is a weary man with eyes too old for his face.
"Let's not do this right now." Jaebum mutters. “I’m going home.”
The ‘are you coming with me?’ hangs in the air between them. Jinyoung doesn’t even risk a glance back at the club for fear that Jaebum would leave without him.
Jaebum flags down a cab. He doesn’t even look behind him to see whether Jinyoung is following him as he climbs into it and Jinyoung is forced to scurry in behind him to avoid the door being closed on him.
The cab journey is taken in silence. The argument has gone a long way to sobering Jinyoung up and he wishes he could find something to say because he hates silence, but the words won't come. When they get in Jaebum slips past him and drags his blanket out to the couch.
"Jaebum?" Jinyoung tries tentatively.
"Since I knew we would be back late I asked Youngjae to sleep in your room. I'll take the couch."
"No, I'll-"
"Jinyoung, please." Jaebum sounds pained.
"Okay." He whispers. "Good night."
He waits a couple of beats, hoping for a reply, but he gets none. He doesn’t bother to wash the makeup off his face or brush his teeth, just falls into Jaebum and Youngjae’s bed and curls himself up in the blankets. With a start he realises that Jaebum must have taken Youngjae’s because he is surrounded by Jaebum - the cologne Jinyoung got him for his birthday one year and Jaebum never stopped wearing and the smell of their detergent and the smell of just Jaebum surrounds him as if he were wrapped up in Jaebum’s arms. It’s comforting, even though they fought, and despite himself Jinyoung drifts quickly into the deepest and best night’s sleep he’s had in a very long time.
Xxx
The next morning finds Jinyoung stumbling into the kitchen wishing he hadn’t drunk as much as he had and praying that the contents of his stomach stay where they are. Unfortunately for him, Mark is already awake and has placed himself firmly between Jinyoung and the coffee. Jinyoung curses internally.
"You're a dick." Mark tells him succinctly.
Jinyoung gasps. "Mark! Who's been teaching you those kind of words?"
"Yugyeom. Stop dodging." Mark replies easily.
Jinyoung sighs. So much for getting out of this conversation.
"I know."
Mark hands him a cup of coffee which Jinyoung gratefully gulps down. Mark watches him critically.
"He was really looking forward to it, you know? Going out with you." At Jinyoung's look of surprise he expands, "Jackson told me."
"Jackson." Jinyoung raises an eyebrow. Jinyoung does not believe Jackson Wang a reliable source of information.
"Yeah, they talk a lot about this kind of stuff. Jackson…" Mark trails off.
"Jackson?"
"He’s very open minded." Mark says finally. Jinyoung hears the words Mark doesn’t say - that somehow Jackson would have to be open minded because there’s something about Jaebum he should be open minded about.
"Jaebum's straight though." He says without thinking. Mark tuts.
"Did he tell you that? Because I think he knows his own sexuality, Jinyoung." Horror dawns on Mark's face. "Oh god, you didn't."
"What?"
"Jinyoung, tell me you didn't tell him he was straight."
Jinyoung squirms under Mark’s judging gaze.
"Wow, you are an actual arsehole."
"Mark-"
"You know I was planning on keeping Jackson off your back but you need a talking to and I haven't got the words to do it." He turns back just as he reaches the door to the living room. "Having someone tell you that you can't be what you know you are is the shittiest feeling ever by the way, so I hope you're proud of yourself."
Jinyoung watches him go, shocked to the core. Mark has never spoken to anyone like that, let alone Jinyoung, and it makes him feel even shittier that he did already - hungover, guilty about how he treated Jaebum and now this. He can’t deal with life today, he decides. He drags himself back to his room and curls up on his bed feeling tired and drained.
Fuck this, he thinks to himself. Just fuck this.
Xxx
Later that day Mark sneaks into Jinyoung’s room and wraps round him as if he had never been angry in the first place.
“I’m sorry.” He says, arm snaking round Jinyoung’s chest. “I wasn’t really going to sic Jackson on you.”
“Don’t have to be sorry.” Jinyoung grunts. “I was an arsehole.”
He turns over in the bed so that they are lying face to face, Mark’s arms still locked around his waist. He looks nervous about something.
“Jinyoungie, can I tell you something?” Mark’s voice shakes.
“Of course.” Jinyoung replies immediately.
“I’m asexual.”
Jinyoung stares at him blankly. He’s never heard the term before. For a second he wonders whether it’s an English word and that’s why he doesn’t understand.
“It means I don’t want to have sex, not with anyone.” Mark clarifies.
Mark looks worried. His handsome face is all screwed up and Jinyoung wants to smooth out the wrinkles with his fingers.
“Please don’t tell me I just haven’t found the right person yet, please.” Mark begs.
Jinyoung shakes his head. “I wasn’t going to. I just- You and Jackson? You’re so flirty I thought something was going on there.”
“I like flirting, so does Jackson.” Mark says nonchalantly.
“That’s it?” Jinyoung teases. Mark rolls his eyes.
“I’m sorry, not all of us have love lives that read like something off a bad soap opera script.”
Jinyoung lets out a loud, overdramatic gasp. “Were you alluding to the literary masterpiece ’Dream High 2’ perchance, because if so I must be offended.”
“I would never willingly bring that up, and if you had half a brain you wouldn’t either.” Mark deadpans, but he looks a lot more comfortable than he did so Jinyoung counts that as a win. He doesn’t mind bring up his dark and sordid acting past if it makes Mark feel better. He grins.
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“You’re only saying that because it wasn’t half as embarrassing for you as it was for Jaebum.”
Jinyoung’s eyes sparkle with mischief. “Maybe. Now c’mon, spill.”
“There’s nothing to spill and we’re talking about you, not me.” Mark is completely undeterred by Jinyoung’s (rather skilful, even if he does say so himself) attempt at changing the subject.
“Meanie.” Jinyoung pouts.
Mark doesn’t laugh like Jinyoung expects him to. Instead he regards Jinyoung with an intensity that’s quite uncomfortable, as if he’s trying to bore his way into Jinyoung’s brain with his eyes.
“I don’t get it, Jinyoung. It’s okay that I’m asexual and you’re so gay I’m surprised the closet hasn’t spat you out yet, but somehow Jaebum can’t be bi?”
Jinyoung doesn’t know what to say. He fumbles for the right words to explain himself, because he’s never had to before.
“It’s not that he can’t be I just… I spent so long telling myself he was straight, that he was off-limits-”
“Jinyoung.” Mark says, and it sounds like stop bullshitting me. Jinyoung shakes his head. He’s not making excuses.
“We were a duo hyung - we spent every waking hour together and I needed something to keep me in check, something to keep me from doing something stupid-”
“Like allowing yourself to be with a man you love and who loves you back?” Mark cuts in gently.
“Not everyone is accepting as you are.”
“So instead, what? You rile him up knowing he’s jealous but don’t allow yourself to accept the reason why he’s jealous? That’s not really fair, Jinyoung.” Mark chides.
“I know.”
“Not to Jaebum and not to you.”
“I know.” Jinyoung repeats frustrated.
“If you know then why do you keep carrying on pretending that you don’t?”
“I don’t know.” Jinyoung presses his face into Mark’s chest. “I’m scared, I guess.”
“Oh Jinyoung.” Mark pats Jinyoung’s head as he sniffles pathetically. He feels so small and stupid but he is hungover and tired, so so tired of everything.
“I know you probably won’t listen to me, but I think you should talk to him. Anything is better than feeling like this, right?”
Jinyoung doesn’t know. He isn’t sure of anything anymore except that he has a headache and feels like shit and this conversation is too much for him to take in his delicate state.
“Can we please not talk about this anymore?” He mumbles, burrowing further into Mark’s embrace.
“Okay.” Mark says. Jinyoung doubts that means Mark’s given up but he’ll take it for now. He’s comfortable and Mark is warm and quiet and that makes it nap time. He drifts off with the words talk to him ringing in his ears.
Xxx
Neither Jaebum nor Jinyoung are very good with words. Or rather, neither of them are good at saying what they really mean. Jinyoung is very good at twisting words around him like the flow of a stream bends around a great rock that lies in its path. He can take anything and twist it until even he almost believes it’s true. The truth of what he really feels, really thinks is lost behind all the farce, all the façade.
Jaebum on the other hand straight up says things he doesn’t mean, blinded by anger. He lashes out without thinking, only aiming to hurt, to make his opponent - his enemy - feel all the pain he’s feeling in that moment. It doesn’t necessarily mean that what he says is what he really thinks. Sometimes it is, and that’s worse.
So will talking about their problems ever really come to anything? They’ve been together long enough to know how the other functions by now, know how this will play out. It’ll start out a discussion and end up with Jaebum lashing out and Jinyoung retreating into himself; then Jaebum will regret and reach out and Jinyoung will push him away. A never ending cycle of push and pull. Waves on a shore.
Or at least, that’s the excuse Jinyoung gives himself for not following Mark’s advice. Him and Jaebum, they’ve always managed to co-exist well enough without words. He thinks back to the days of JJ project when they’d spent whole evenings reading side by side or making figures together. They hadn’t needed words to enjoy each other’s company. They hadn’t felt the need to fill the silence between them with noise. They were fine.
They are fine now too. Maybe not perfect, but Jinyoung has never really believed in perfection anyway. They are okay. They’ll be okay.
Mark clearly expects something to have changed after Jinyoung and Jaebum’s disastrous excursion to the club but nothing really does. He keeps watching them with this look like he’s expecting them to break down at any point, eyes focussed and keen to catch any cracks in their seeming façade. Perhaps Jinyoung is quieter than usual or Jaebum touches him even less, but there’s no dramatic climax - they don’t ignore each other, they don’t fight. They just carry on, as they always have.
Xxx
Jinyoung rooms alone for a reason. Even though he gets annoyed if any other the others bring it up he knows that he is of a somewhat… sensitive nature. Mark is quiet and Jaebum can be angry, but he is the only one who truly needs his own space - a refuge from having to be on all the time. Jinyoung is mother and idol and friend all day long. He needs that break. The time to just be Jinyoung and assimilate all the things he’s been holding in. He’s glad that when they were choosing rooms Jaebum, who should have got the single room by rights of being the leader, was kind enough to tell Jinyoung to take it.
No one, except Mark and Jaebum, enters Jinyoung’s room without knocking. He can often hear people come up to it - it’s only a glorified shutter between his space and Yugyeom and Bambam’s room after all - but everybody knocks anyway. Jinyoung never asked them to do it, but he likes it.
There’s a knock at the door this evening. Honestly all he wants to do is ignore it and go to sleep but the knocking is persistent - so much so that he hears Bambam tell him to “hurry up and let him in, hyung - we want to sleep tonight!”
Rude. Jinyoung would like to do the same, thank you very much.
“Come in!” He yells, just loud enough for Bambam and Yugyeom to hear too.
The door slides open. Jinyoung doesn’t bother to look who it is - the only person he could think that would bother him this time of night, if not one of the maknae line, is Youngjae - so he simply rolls over and opens his arms in prime cuddling position.
Except the body that slides in beside him is definitely not Youngjae. It’s about the right height but too firm, too bulky. Too brazen, too. The arms immediately wrap round Jinyoung’s torso and there’s a leg between Jinyoung’s and Youngjae usually waits for Jinyoung to embrace him first so this could only be -
“Jackson?” Jinyoung all but squeaks.
“Hi!” The lump in his bed replies. “You really are a good cuddler, Jinyoung, Youngjae was right.”
What. The. Hell.
“Jackson, what are you doing?” Jingyoung snarls.
“Not enjoying this cuddle half as much as before.”
Jinyoung can actually hear the pout.
“I mean here, in my bed.”
“You invited me.” Jackson says petulantly.
Jinyoung likes Jackson, he really does. Most of the time anyway.
“Jackson, please. I’m really not in the mood.”
“I wanted to talk about Jaebum.” Jackson says.
Jinyoung grows quiet. He should have known this would be too good to last.
“What about him?”
“Don’t do this, Jinyoung.” Jackson squeezes him hard. Jinyoung practically hears his ribs creaking. “Don’t shut me out. Don’t shut him out.”
Jinyoung feels rage burn in his veins. He struggles against Jackson’s hold, tries to push him away but all the hours Jackson’s put in at the gym mean he barely makes a dent. It only serves to make him angrier.
“What the hell do you know? Get the fuck off me!”
“Listen to me, please. Just listen.” Jackson pleads. “You can do whatever you like after this but just… hear me out, yeah?”
Jinyoung says nothing, but he stops trying to push Jackson off him. Jackson takes that as acquiescence.
“Jaebum-hyung… He’s miserable. And whatever you say, I know you are too. We may not be as close and you and Mark but I’m not dumb, you know? I’ve got eyes.” Here Jinyoung snorts softly as if to say, you are dumb. Jackson ignores him. “I just… I’ve tried talking to Jaebum and that’s come to nothing. So now it’s time to try you, even if you’re both as stubborn and annoying as each other.”
Jinyoung is reeling. He hadn’t thought he was so obvious. He’s been denying and hiding his feelings for so long he thought that he’d perfected his mask. Clearly he was wrong.
“I hate it, Jinyoung. I hate seeing both of you like this.” Jackson confesses quietly.
“I don’t-”
“Will you talk to him?” Jackson cuts him off before Jinyoung even has time to finish his sentence.
“We’re fine.” Jinyoung replies stubbornly.
“You know, that’s exactly what he said.” Jackson smiles. “You’re a better liar than he is though.”
“I don’t lie.”
“See, there you go again.” Jackson grins cheekily. "Liar, liar, pants on fire~" he singsongs.
"Did you just come in here to mock me? Because if that's the case, you can leave right now."
Jinyoung carefully extracts himself from Jackson and holds his cover up in a gesture universally acknowledged as "get the fuck out of my bed" and he does so as snottily and disdainfully as possible. The day he takes relationship advice from Jackson Wang is the day hell freezes over.
Jackson, being Jackson, completely ignores Jinyoung's attitude and moves away like getting out of Jinyoung's bed was his idea in the first place.
"Thanks for the cuddle Jinyoungie. Think about what I said, okay?" He says seriously.
Then Jackson's slipping out of Jinyoung’s bed and through the sliding door with barely a sound and Jinyoung’s left alone.
He turns over and wraps the blankets around him like a cocoon. He huffs quietly, still annoyed.
Why is everyone so insistent that he talk to Jaebum anyway?
xxx
If Jackson is expecting Jinyoung to confront Jaebum he’s to be sorely disappointed. He thinks about it once or twice, but in the end he decides against it. He isn’t happy, no, but he isn’t miserable like Jackson thinks either.
He’s fine. Everything is fine. He just has to keep telling himself that.
Xxx
Two weeks later he and Jaebum are home alone. It’s a rare occurrence now that there are seven, not just the two of them, but not an unwelcome one. It’s nostalgic. Jinyoung lounges over one corner of the sofa while Jaebum occupies the other end with a tattered copy of Harry Potter in hand. Jaebum’s wearing his glasses. It’s making it very hard for Jinyoung to actually concentrate on his book.
"You know when we first met I thought you were the cutest boy I'd ever seen? I couldn't believe it when you asked to pair up for the audition." Jaebum says out of the blue.
“What?” Jinyoung almost chokes on his own saliva. Jaebum sets his book aside and turns to face Jinyoung, expression unbearably open and earnest.
“You were so nervous and all I could think the whole time was how cute you were.”
“What are you saying?” Jinyoung nudges Jaebum’s side with his foot, embarrassed.
Jaebum grins. “Don’t worry, you’re still cute.”
Jinyoung’s heart beats erratically in his chest. He doesn’t like this. He’s not ready for this - he’ll never be ready for this.
“You’re scaring me, dude. You been hanging out with Jackson too much? His greasy is starting to rub off on you.” He laughs awkwardly at his own joke, but it falls flat and his laughter tastes sour in his mouth.
He doesn’t want to be here - in fact he’d probably take anywhere but here. He’d rather go with Mark and attempt to keep Jackson and BamBam in line and Youngjae from wandering off and Yugyeom from tricking everyone one than sit here in the quiet of their flat and listen to the man he’s in love with bear his soul to him.
“I didn’t even think about that could mean - me being completely unable to take my eyes off you that is - ‘til you told me you were gay and that you had a boyfriend.” Jaebum’s smile doesn’t falter but his expression grows somehow sad. “I was so jealous and I didn’t even get why.”
“Why are you telling me this?” Jinyoung demands.
“You didn’t believe me the first time I told you I loved you. You didn’t even believe me the second time. I’m hoping third times the charm.” Jaebum shrugs helplessly. Jinyoung's throat closes up.
“I don’t-”
“Just let me finish, okay?" Jaebum pleads.
Jinyoung wants to tell him no. He wants to say that whatever Jaebum has to say he doesn’t want to hear it but he says nothing. He's a coward.
"I don't know when I fell in love with you." Jaebum says.
I know when I fell in love with you Jinyoung thinks. The very first time we met and I was done for just like that.
"But I first realised it just after they told us JJ project wasn't coming back. Do you remember?"
How could Jinyoung forget? It was one of the most difficult days of Jinyoung's life and one of the most painful. He nods after it becomes clear Jaebum is waiting for some kind of response.
"We cried together for the first time I think. We clung together like we were going to fall apart if we didn't and cried until our tears ran out. You're beautiful even when you cry, Jinyoungie. I realised then, watching you, that I would do anything to see you happy. And that's when I knew I was in love with you."
Jinyoung listens to all of this in silence. He doesn't know what Jaebum expects him to say. Should he come out with his own tale of how he discovered his feelings for Jaebum? How at the tender age of 15 he knew he was never going to have what other people would have - children, a traditional family? That he would be forced to hide who he was because otherwise he could have no career, no future?
Should he tell Jaebum how scared he was that Jaebum would hate him once he found out the truth? How even now he finds it hard to believe Jaebum loves him simply because he spent so long telling himself it wasn't possible?
In the end he doesn't say anything at all, words sitting heavy in his mouth like lead, and watches as Jaebum grows increasingly tired of waiting.
"Do you even like me?" Jaebum finally breaks the silence to ask. "I feel like I'm jumping through all these hoops to prove that I'm serious and I don't even know how you feel."
Jinyoung wills himself to answer, to give Jaebum this one tiny sliver of honesty to repay all of that which Jaebum has so bravely offered this evening.
“I like you.” He replies quietly.
“Do you love me?” Jaebum presses.
A pause. “Yes.”
“I don’t believe you.” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung’s heart shatters. Was this what Jaebum felt like when Jinyoung had turned him down? As if his heart has been cleaved from his chest?
“I’m not lying!” Jinyoung shakes his head desperately. “I wouldn’t lie, not about this.”
“I don’t think you’re lying, Jinyoung.” Jaebum says tiredly. “I just don’t think that it’s true.”
“So I think that I like you but really I don’t?”
Jaebum shrugs. "I’m not even going to pretend I know what’s going on in your head. All I know is you’ve never even given me a chance. First you tell me I’m straight and that I can’t love you. Then, just when I thought you’d come to terms with everything it turns out it’s just some ridiculous plot to make me jealous like I hadn’t already confessed. You chose to play with me and my feelings when you could have been with me instead. What am I supposed to take from that?”
“I’m sorry.” Jinyoung feels his eyes prickle with tears, but he refuses to let them fall. He doesn't deserve to cry, not for himself. Not when he's hurt Jaebum so badly.
"I'm sorry doesn't fix things." Jaebum says pointedly. “I’m in love with you, and you don’t believe me. Or didn’t believe me. And you think you love me but I can’t trust that you really do. Sorry doesn't make any of that any better."
Jinyoung looks away, ashamed. He can’t refute what Jaebum’s saying - he didn’t believe Jaebum and he’s done nothing that has ever given Jaebum any indication that he’s in love with him, no matter what he claims to feel.
“So where do we go from here?” Jaebum asks the question they’ve both been thinking.
“I don’t know.” Jinyoung feels numb.
“I don’t know either.” Jaebum picks up his book and heads to the room he shares with Youngjae. He goes slow, as if waiting for Jinyoung to say something - anything - but nothing comes out. Not a whisper.
“Goodnight Jinyoung.” Jaebum says quietly, with an air of finality.
“Goodnight!” Jinyoung calls at Jaebum's retreating back. He wishes Jaebum would turn round, look at him, anything to show that he isn’t done with Jinyoung, but Jaebum closes the door without so much as a glance over his shoulder.
Jinyoung lets himself feel the tears he refuse to let flow earlier fall down his cheeks. He hasn’t said hardly anything the whole evening and yet still it feels like he’s said the wrong thing. He goes to bed feeling anxious and unsettled and upset, eyes puffy and head full from crying.
That night he dreams Jackson chases him in a white bunny suit, captures him, and gnaws at his legs until they resemble nothing but stumps while Mark, dressed as the mad hatter, sits by and laughs. He wakes up drenched in his own sweat and terrified, not even daring to think about what that dream might mean.
part one |
two