Say Something (I'll Never Give Up On You) [for xlevinia]
Title: Say Something (I'll Never Give Up On You)
Recipient: xlevinia
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,500
Warning(s): none
Summary: Jaebum and Jinyoung live in a continuous love story. (Or, nine different times when they fell in love, and once where they actually did.)
1.
Jaebum already decided. Inhyung was too important for him to let anything happen to her. Maybe it had a lot to do with how he watched her grow up, watched her through times of cheerfulness and especially through times of pain. Or maybe it was because of the fun and joy they had together during the few weeks spent at her trailer, and how he wanted her to always feel that way forever. Whatever it was, as soon as he heard what had to be done to ensure Inhyung’s happiness, his mind had been set from the beginning.
“Isn’t it good to leave a nice memory?” Jinyoung’s addressing them all, but he’s only looking at Jaebum, the small smile on his lips a heavy contrast from the darkness in his eyes. “For Joo Inhyung…” Jaebum gulps. “And for you guys too…” Everyone remains silent, watching Jinyoung look down. There’s a small ache in Jaebum’s head. “Because it’s going to be your last performance.”
Youngjae shudders next to him, and Mark and Jackson shift uncomfortably, but Jaebum doesn’t look away from Jinyoung’s slumped form, even as the pop star refuses to meet him eye to eye. The ache in his head spreads to his heart, his eyes blinking away threatening tears.
It’s almost bittersweet. Jaebum has every reason to hate Jinyoung after the week of tension and turmoil he caused the knights, but one look into those desolate eyes has Jaebum feeling only sadness. There’s something hidden in them that tells Jaebum there’s more to his story then he lets on, and he desperately wants to know more, more about the pain and suffering hidden behind Jinyoung’s guarded persona. There’s so much he wants to say to Jinyoung, so many words to make up for the weeks of hostility and antagonism when neither party really understood the others intentions.
But all that escapes his mouth is a simple thank you, as Jaebum holds his hand out as a show of gratitude. Jinyoung grabs it firmly, the warmth sending sparks through Jaebum’s body. It stays there even after Jinyoung lets go and promises to take care of Inhyung. But who will take care of you? nearly escapes his mouth, and suddenly it feels like his job on earth isn’t done, he’s not ready to go back, because there’s still so much more Jaebum selfishly wants to do for himself, for Jinyoung.
Jaebum was convinced that everything he had been doing, everything he felt, everything that had happened these past few weeks; it was all because of and for Inhyung.
So why was it so hard, why did it hurt so much, to watch Jinyoung walk away?
2.
Jaebum’s heavy glance is on him as Jinyoung walks through the doors to their outer court, but so is his father, the royal procession, and everyone else in the throne hall, so he looks straight ahead as he strides in, avoiding everyone’s eyes.
That doesn’t stop him from sneaking a small glance in Jaebum’s direction once he passes his father’s view. He can see a small paper in the guard’s hand, most likely containing a rendezvous point, maybe a key to a small room rented out on the outskirts of the royal complex. His own hand twitches.
They’re supposed to be facilitating inter-kingdom cooperation, but he’s sure his father wouldn’t appreciate the type of “partnership” him and Jaebum are in. On the surface, the meetings between Jinyoung and Jaebum are nothing more then tense and cordial. Jaebum’s just a bodyguard to the capital’s scholar Youngjae, and Jinyoung’s supposed to be their own kingdom’s representative in the peace talks and treaties. It’s almost ironic how these meetings are heavily watched over by warriors from both sides, but considering how past meetings between the two have fared, everyone in the room is wary of the “capital scum”, Jinyoung included.
Then one night, Jinyoung had taken their two visitors into his private sarangbang for a toast to friendly relations. One hour in found Youngjae lying peacefully in Jinyoung’s study room, leaving Jinyoung alone with Youngjae’s silent guard, Jaebum.
What happened next changed everything.
Jinyoung could blame it on the soju, or maybe the tranquility of the night, but that only meant lying to himself about the true reasons for their illicit affair. Where most others only saw distance in Jaebum, Jinyoung saw a fire in his eyes, a burning temper which only sent sparks to his own heart. As the night went on, the fire only burned brighter, and spread amongst their bodies, finding Jaebum in Jinyoung’s bed the next morning and many after.
He wonders if Jaebum had felt the attraction that pulled the two together, or if this was only a ploy for Jinyoung to more easily give in to Youngjae’s demands. To Jaebum, their meetings probably meant nothing, even if to Jinyoung Jaebum made up his whole world, the sun and stars and everything in between. There were so many sides to Jaebum hidden behind the guarded exterior, and each night spent together only left Jinyoung wanting to know more about him, to explore the many dimensions that made up this mysterious stranger. Jinyoung is far from a romantic, but the time he spent with Jaebum left wisps of dreams in him, desires for something more. But those fantasies went as soon as they came each morning, when Jaebum would leave first to attend to his duties, Jinyoung sitting on the bed alone, huddled up in the sheets, the blissful memories of the night prior turning into twinges of sorrow.
The paper is tempting. Jinyoung knows he shouldn’t take it, knows that Jaebum would understand. Even if their nights were full of heated passion and love, they’re still surface enemies, and there was no doubt the other royal officials would call treason if they found out. Only a few more days and Jaebum will return to the capital and Jinyoung to his books. He should end this now, before his feelings grow into something more, before he does something that will threaten his position and - quite possibly - Jaebum’s life.
Before he says the one thing that would shatter the happy illusion he painted of them in his mind forever.
He slides just close enough to Jaebum, walks by him with the grace and nobility expected of the ruler’s eldest son. Everyone else is too busy keeping an eye on his expression; tension rising to see if a fight between the two would break out.
No one is paying attention to his hand at all.
3.
Jaebum walks past Jinyoung, not sparing the other even the slightest of glances. He doesn’t look down at his hand, but can feel the paper he was holding - which contained a photo of their latest target on it - gone, and knows that Jinyoung, the one assigned to shoot him down, has it.
He meets Nichinbi by the elevators, and they take it up to the third floor where Jia-er is. The balcony of their rented room has a great view of the Hawaiian beach, but Jaebum is more interested in the small alleyway besides their hotel, the kitchen door where Jinyoung was suppose to exit at 12:45 sharp.
“He’s not going to magically appear if you keep staring at the door, JB.” Jia-er scoffs, falling back onto the bed. Jaebum glares at him.
“While the subject of Junior is up, how much more money do you need for that “surprise” for him?” Jaebum hisses at Jia-er to be quiet, but he’s sure the other doesn’t even know what the word means. He’s glad Jinyoung’s not on this comm.
“And are you sure that he’ll even accept? I mean, the most we see you two doing is flirting around with each other. I’m not sure your “plan” will work if you haven’t said your ‘I love you’s yet.” Jaebum rolls his eyes.
“You haven’t?” This time it’s Nichinbi who speaks, looking up from his (suspiciously pink) magazine in shock. He waves the magazine in front of Jaebum’s face. “JB, according to this you know that means your relationship is bound to fail!”
“Are you reading… a teen magazine?” Jia-er leaned forward, interested.
“Can you guys please get on task here?” Yi-en’s voice sounds suddenly on their comm, sounding annoyed. “We don’t want anything to go wrong, so you guys get back in position and wait for Junior to exit the building.”
“Are you saying something might go wrong?” Nichinbi’s eyes are alarmingly wide, but he always sounds panicky, so Jaebum just smiles and puts his arm comfortingly around the younger.
“Don’t worry - we just got to trust the plan the organization gave us.” Usually, teams were just given a name, place and time to complete the mission, but sometimes for higher priced targets their organization sent them detailed plans to ensure a more controlled and effective execution. Not that Jaebum minded. The faster a job went by, the higher the pay. He’d had his eye on a set of diamond bands he found at a small jeweler in the Caribbean - where their last job was - and he almost had enough to get their names engraved on them.
Jia-er may question their relationship, but only Jaebum knows Jinyoung’s real name, something that in their line of work, is the ultimate show of trust. Other couples can throw around terms of affection easily, but the two of them are anything but normal.
“JB!” Yi-en’s frantic voice breaks into his thoughts, and he sits up. If Nichinbi anxious behavior usually means nothing, Yi-en being in panic is in itself a cause for great worry.
“JB, I lost contact with our driver, get Junior out of there now.” His mind is rushing a million miles a minute, eyes analyzing every possible solution as quick as possible. He won’t make it downstairs in time in order to warn Jinyoung before hand. The door Jinyoung is exiting out of is wide open, no way for him to hide from the many tall buildings and obscure windows around them. Jinyoung didn’t have any communication with him in order to bypass security scanners easier, has no protective gear to make him appear normal. Everything is too perfectly planned out for a set up.
“All the information about the target, it’s all disappearing!” He can hear furious typing on the other hand, and Yi-en’s voice comes out even more urgent then before. Nichinbi is already prepping a rifle, and Jia-er is scanning the nearby buildings for a hidden sharpshooter. “I think we got hacked, tell the organization to call it off!” But no, he knows better. The system doesn’t like relationships, absolutely despises them.
The clock beeps 12:45. Jinyoung steps out. Jaebum can hear himself screaming Jinyoung’s name, can hear Jia-er yelling where the sharpshooter is and Nichinbi pulling the trigger. But it’s all too late, because Jinyoung looks up with and mouths quietly at Jaebum. He can’t make out what Jinyoung is saying through his tear stained eyes.
All of the organization’s game plans have 100% success rates - which meant this one was 100% supposed to fail.
It doesn’t make the pain of watching Jinyoung fall to the ground any better though.
4.
Jinyoung hates the pitying eyes that are always looking down at him.
Doctors, nurses, friends and even family; it’s always the same teary-eyed, sympathetic stares with quivering smiles, the same words of pseudo-comfort that tell him it’s going to be all right, or you’ll get through this, as if their words can magically cure him.
(Jinyoung’s a medical researcher. He knows how untrue that is.)
And yet Jinyoung could stare at Jaebum’s eyes forever, stare into his dark and brooding orbs that only spoke to Jinyoung of how much he could trust the other. If Jaebum told him everything would be okay, there was no doubt those words would make its way into Jinyoung heart. Jinyoung never wants Jaebum to look away, never wants Jaebum to leave his side.
This would be the perfect time to finally confess, he can’t help but think; to tell his best friend since birth exactly how he felt all these years.
But then he sees his girlfriend standing silently by the door, comforting Jaebum’s son, and that fantasy fades as fast as it came. Yugyeom always saw him as his favorite uncle and nothing more, never forgetting his passed mother. She’s the reason why Jaebum worked endless hours in the lab, looking for a cure.
Everyone thought that was the reason he spent countless days there too. Jinyoung won’t deny it entirely, because he loved his sister as much as he loved Jaebum, but the selfish part of him only spent days upon days tirelessly hunched over diagrams and microscopes because it was alongside Jaebum. He cared so much for the other, and he just wanted to help Jaebum finally find closure, finally find peace (and perhaps then, open his heart once more for love).
How was he supposed to know that much exposure to something so good could lead to him being infected by something so bad?
He can feel his eyes closing. Doctors are rushing around him, all but pushing the three out of the room to perform the operation. But Jinyoung won’t let go. He’s already been through this before, tears streaming down his eyes as he watches Jaebum bawl over the still body lying in bed. Combined with all his years in research, all the fruitless nights hunched over diagrams and microscopes and DNA samples; as soon as Jaebum steps out the room, Jinyoung’s never going to see him again.
If only he could say how much Jaebum’s eyes meant to him, how much Jinyoung loved to hear his laugh, see his bright smile, watch his face glow in happiness - things that Jinyoung hasn’t seen in years but can still remember as if they were yesterday. If only Jaebum could finally know how much Jinyoung appreciated all the elder had done for him since they were young, from holding his hand as they walked to school together, to holding him close when first his father, then mother passed away. If only Jinyoung was strong enough to tell Jaebum what he should have told the other the night Jaebum came to Jinyoung, asking for his sisters hand in marriage.
If only he could tell Jaebum how - as he walked his sister down the aisle that fateful summer night - all Jinyoung could think about was how he wished it were he instead.
But instead, he keeps silent. Instead, he lets Jaebum take his hand, stares into Jaebum’s tear-stained eyes, and listens to the last thing he wants to hear, that everything’s going to be all right.
5.
“Okay Jinyoung-ssi, everything’s all right, you can wake up now!”
Jaebum breathes a sigh of relief when Jinyoung’s eyes open, blinking a few times as they register his surroundings.
“Checkup complete.” A mechanical voice sounds from behind him, but Jaebum pays it no notice, just helping Jinyoung sit up on the bed.
“We did the general check up, and as usual nothing is wrong,” Bambam is flipping through his clipboard, yawning as he dully scribbles on the page.
“I mean, you’re a chrome, not sure why you even need to visit us anyways… you can let go of Jinyoung-ssi hyung, he’s not going to disappear if you do.” Jaebum looks down. His hand is still looped around Jinyoung’s, but Jinyoung is giving him a shy smile, and those shining eyes mesmerize Jaebum, who never wants to look away. Bambam clears his throat once again and Jaebum jolts, pulling his hand off Jinyoung’s and rolling back to his computer.
“Your infatuation is eradicating from every pore of your body, it’s suffocating even me.” Bambam mockingly hisses in Jaebum’s ear, before turning towards Jinyoung with a bright smile, holding out a tray of chocolate-covered muffins. “Want one Jinyoung-ssi? Hyung and I made them this morning and-“
“Please don’t, they’re not even that good-” Jaebum moans in disbelief, but Jinyoung grabs one anyways, and bites into it eagerly. His lips curl up into a smile, and Jaebum’s heart breaks into even more pieces.
Everything’s perfect about Jinyoung. Jinyoung is a chrome, a human who was genetically engineered for perfection and excellence. He has the best possible genetic ratio, the perfect combination of genes that give him beauty and intelligence far beyond any normal. Technically, Jinyoung doesn’t need to visit Jaebum, considering his genetic makeup doesn’t have any errors needed for a doctor’s visit, and yet-
“I’ll see you next month then?” Jinyoung sounds expectant, and it almost strikes a spark of hope in Jaebum’s own heart, but down on Jinyoung’s paperwork it reads Jinyoung Park, Human-Chrome in bold letters at the top, so different from what Jaebum knows is written on his own medical forms; a difference which means no matter what his heart desires him to say, his head knows better.
He smiles weakly back at Jinyoung. “I’ll be here.” He replies instead, watching as Jinyoung takes another bite of the strawberry happily. Jaebum burnt the chocolate while melting it, and Bambam had added to much milk when mixing the batter. There’s no doubt Jinyoung could have made them better, his genetics allowing for nothing less then perfect. Chromes are societally higher then normals, and even if Jaebum is hopelessly in love with Jinyoung, he’s just not fit for the chrome.
So Jaebum keeps silent, even if Jinyoung looks so cute with muffin stuffed in his cheek, a smidge of chocolate on his bottom lip. The other smiles at him brightly, and Jaebum just grins weakly back, biting the question he’s always wanted to ask Jinyoung since the first time he met the other.
He turns away from Jinyoung, missing the slight fade in the chrome’s smile. Instead his eyes catch on two movie tickets to the film adaptation of their favorite book clipped to his board. He’ll just have to ask Bambam again.
6.
Jinyoung slowly bites into the sweet tiramisu, trying to savor the taste, but everything feels bitter as he watches Jaebum’s lips curl up into a smile, his eyes twinkling down at yet another nameless girl.
It’s the whole reason he’s here, so that those bright-eyed big-breasted females Jaebum’s parents all but thrust into Jaebum’s arms wouldn’t turn into anything more. It’s almost rude, considering how he’s “officially” Jaebum’s date, and yet the heir’s parents never regards Jinyoung’s presences even after being paid to attend at least a dozen of these events.
But therein lies the problem, with everyone giving him looks of disgust, the whispers loud enough to hear their exact thoughts on him - the poor escort Jaebum brings to parties Jinyoung could only have previously dream of being invited too. It shouldn’t matter to him. He knows his place, has been trained on how to act around these types of people. When Jaebum first requested for Jinyoung’s services, all Jinyoung could think about was the hefty paycheck he would recieve for attending high class parties, a dream job escorts could only wish to get.
Now, every time Jinyoung gets called to attend another party of Jaebum’s, his heart sinks a little lower. It’s rare to get a regular amongst their clientele, and everyone at his agency keeps telling him how lucky he was, but all Jinyoung feels is a stab of pain whenever Jaebum even looks at someone else, when they get to see the gentle eyes and shy smile that makes Jinyoung’s heart race.
Jaebum looks up, his eye catching onto Jinyoung’s. It’s his signal to interfere, to get Jaebum out of a particularly clingy situation. His first night, Jinyoung and walked up behind Jaebum, a light hand on the heirs shoulder and his eyes glaring at the girl with a mock smile on his lips, the perfect model of what Jinyoung’s job consists of.
Now, Jinyoung’s not sure he wants to work here anymore.
He walks past Jaebum, not doing his usual interfere-to-get-Jaebum-out plan. He can hear Jaebum excusing himself; hear the girl’s but why oppa and his head aches even more when Jaebum replies I need to check up on my date right now, I’ll talk to you later?
Jaebum’s eyes are burning into him as he steps into the men’s room, but even then Jinyoung doesn’t turn, doesn’t know what to say.
“Is everything all right?” And there it is. Jaebum’s not even angry with him, and Jinyoung can see from the mirror genuine concern in the other’s face.
“Are you tired? Do you want to go rest at my place? We can leave if you would like.” He hates how Jaebum makes it seem like Jinyoung was an equal, a normal person when they both know otherwise, know Jinyoung will never be anywhere near Jaebum’s level. He hates it so much because it makes it feel like he is, that Jinyoung is actually someone Jaebum wants to bring these events, someone Jaebum is proud to show around, his hand on the small of Jinyoung’s back and smile only on Jinyoung’s face.
And in that moment, Jinyoung feels like he’s in heaven, feels like he could stay like this forever.
But then Jaebum’s parents appear in the corner of his eyes, or a high-pitched socialite waves to Jaebum from his left, or the sight of wine and champagne and luxuries just reminds Jinyoung of the truth, that even if he wants to just stay by Jaebum’s side forever he can’t, because soon Jaebum will need to get married to a girl - most likely the daughter of a CEO with more then six digits to her name - and Jinyoung will get a new assignment, a new rich person to entertain.
“No it’s all right, I’m sorry I just needed to freshen up that’s all,” he says instead, turning towards the sink. He can feel tears coming to his eyes, and furiously will them away. Lesson number one of being an escort is to keep emotions out of the game, and Jinyoung’s losing.
He just needs to get through this night, just needs to go out there and be the perfect doll for Jaebum’s needs. He gulps, staring at his face in the mirror.
“We can go out, you have to give that speech-“ But then Jaebum is kissing him, pushing him against the cold tiled walls. All his resolve crumbles, and he slumps into Jaebum’s hold. The tears break through and Jinyoung just holds Jaebum tight to him, wishing for the moment to never end.
Lesson number two is to never sleep with the client, but Jinyoung caved in to that weeks ago, after a glass too many and Jaebum’s tempting bedroom eyes and seductive smile enticing Jinyoung back into his apartment. They never outwardly spoke of what happened, but Jinyoung woke up to Jaebum stroking his hair from his face, and every event from then on Jinyoung never made it back to his own small apartment until the day after, a smile threatening to break his face when Jaebum drops him off.
Lesson number three is to never fall in love, or at least never outright admit it. The first part Jinyoung lost control of after that first night, and it only gets worse with each new event he keeps getting asked for by Jaebum.
But when Jinyoung thinks of everything waiting outside the bathroom as he leans against the wall, his lips pressed against the most eligible bachelor in all of Seoul, he vows never to break the second.
7.
There’s a rattle as Jaebum slams Jinyoung up against his closet door, and something inside his closet falls, but he can care less, his eyes flaring with desire. Jinyoung smells so good, and tastes even better, so Jaebum presses even closer, hands finding purchase on Jinyoung’s waist, drawing the other closer to him.
But there’s something wet against his face, and he can see slight tears in Jinyoung’s eyes, and suddenly Jaebum flashes back to his mother, crying as his father slams the door on them both, bruises littering their body.
“Fuck,” he curses, pulling himself back as far as he can. Jinyoung gasps at the loss of touch, his hands reaching out towards Jaebum, but Jaebum ignores it.
“You didn’t hurt me, don’t worry, I was just in a little shock that’s all,” he sounds almost pleading to Jaebum, and for a second he wants to believe Jinyoung. But Jaebum’s mom always told him she was okay until one day she wasn’t, and all Jaebum is left with is her I’m okay and I’m all right and everything will be fine and all the other comforting statements that doesn’t change the fact he no longer even has parents, what with one buried three feet under, the other in jail for putting her there.
“Please stop fucking lying to me!” he yells, and Jinyoung slightly flinches. Good. The farther Jinyoung is from him, the harder it will be for him to lose his temper around the only good thing left in this world.
He turns away and slides down the edge of his wall. “Just get the hell out of my apartment okay? I don’t want to see your face ever again.” Jinyoung doesn’t go anywhere, instead squatting down next to him. Jaebum growls angrily, but Jinyoung still won’t budge, instead resting his head on Jaebum’s shoulder.
“I’m not going anywhere, until you realize you would never hurt me, ever.” he says, his eyes searching Jaebum’s, and Jaebum hates it, hates how he should just shake some sense into the other, do something to make Jinyoung leave him forever so Jaebum can never hurt him, never lay a hand on him like his father did, never taint the perfect being that Jinyoung is.
But maybe it’s too late, maybe it was too late the first day when Jinyoung - despite the shocked whispered and incredulous glances he got from their fellow classmates - sat down next to the rebellious loner Jaebum, extending a hand of friendship. From that moment on, Jinyoung found his way into Jaebum’s world, became a bright light shining in Jaebum’s damaged life, and Jaebum could only desperately cling on, never wanting to let go of angel in front of him, who has made Jaebum feel like he was actually worth it.
But Jaebum isn’t. Jaebum is just a delinquent with a heated temper. He has nothing to offer Jinyoung, who is the model child, model student, model citizen of Seoul who will only go on to do great things, things that Jaebum couldn’t even dream of achieving. There’s no place for Jaebum in Jinyoung’s perfect life, no place Jaebum can even fit in without risking ruining Jinyoung’s status.
“Please Jaebum, trust me. You’re nothing like your father; you’re going a much better person then him. I’ll never leave you; because I believe in that fact.” Jinyoung is babbling on now, his hand holding Jaebum’s arm tightly, as if he is afraid the other will actually go.
“I love you Jaebum. Why can’t you realize that?” he ends with a whisper, and this time there are actual tears rolling down his face.
Jaebum is searching into Jinyoung’s eyes, his own throat caught. He wants to tell Jinyoung how much the other means to him, how the stars shine whenever he smiles and the galaxies can’t compare to the brightness Jinyoung emits to the world.
Jinyoung’s love for him won’t even compare to how much he means to Jaebum. How even if Jaebum knows he’s not right for Jinyoung, a small part of him keeps hope that maybe someday he will be, and maybe he’ll be able to proudly tell Jinyoung how much of an impact the other made on Jaebum’s world, and that someday…
Someday Jaebum can say how much he loves him as well.
But instead he keeps silent, Jinyoung’s head on his shoulder, the pair of them crying silently. Because admitting it is the first step to giving in, and he loves Jinyoung too much to ever say it.
8.
It felt like hours since practice finished, but Jinyoung is still sitting next to Jaebum, his head on the other’s shoulder. It’s the midst of Kirin’s end of the year showcase rehearsals, but this time around, Oz Entertainment’s CEO is attending, a fact that escapes no one. They’re all under a lot of stress, but Jaebum feels it the most, considering I:dn’s next comeback depends highly on their performance.
“But you know, even if you’re feeling tense because of that, yelling at Yugyeom isn’t going to help him get better,” Jinyoung raises his eyebrows disapprovingly at Jaebum. The idol flinches, and anyone else would be scared of the pressed look on Jaebum’s face, but Jinyoung knows him better then anyone else, and continues on, undeterred.
“Yugyeom-ie just entered Kirin, it’s not his fault he doesn’t know the routine yet.” Jaebum looks like he wants to retort, and Jinyoung can already feel the heat of the infamous Im-temper burning, but he’s been on the receiving side of it so many times already that even if others run at the first signs it was coming, Jinyoung finds a small thrill in provoking Jaebum.
“What, are you going to yell at me too? Don’t forget that I have some of ahjumma’s soup from the shop and I’m not sharing it with you if you dare-“
“Why do you call him Yugyeom-ie, have you guys gotten that close already?” Jinyoung sits up, staring incredulously at Jaebum’s pouty face.
“I think too much exposure to Jackson is getting to you Jaebum-ie, if you’re starting to get jealous at the most ridiculous things-“ he pauses, his eyes narrowing at the slight chuckle bubbling on Jaebum’s lips. “Oh come on, this is no laughing matter, Yugyeom was crying-“
“Okay umma, I’ll go apologize,” and suddenly the tension in the air evaporates, Jaebum’s eyes crinkling instead. “So can you feed me now?”
“You’re only nice to me ‘cause you want my soup.” Jinyoung mutters, turning away so Jaebum can’t see the blush threatening his cheeks. He holds out the soup bowl to the other.
“Thanks Jinyoung-ie, what would I do without you?” Jinyoung freezes, as Jaebum takes the bowl happily into his own hands.
“I’ll really go talk to Yugyeom though, ‘cause you’re right, I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that.” He slurps a bit of the soup down. “It’s just… well you know how much pressure is on me right now, Especially since you-know-who is coming, and he wants to see if we’re ready to release a new album yet or not…” Jaebum pauses, gulping down another spoonful. He sits back, sighing regretfully.
“Really though, what would I do without you?” he turns to smile at Jinyoung, the wide grin sparkling in the dark practice room, and it takes a lot of effort for Jinyoung not to be hypnotized. His mouth opens; words on the back of his tongue just itching to be said, but Jinyoung stops himself before he says something he regret right after.
The thing is, Jinyoung doesn’t know what he would do without Jaebum either. Their first meeting had gotten off to a rough start, with most Kirin students despising the Oz trainees and idols, only here to circumvent the new law requiring underage entertainers to actually study. Obviously Jinyoung agreed with his fellow students, that these “kids” were only taking the easy way out, only at the prestigious arts school because their connections allowed them too.
But then he actually got to know Jaebum. And suddenly Jaebum isn’t this haughty and pretentious kpop star with legions of fans all under his power. He’s another student like Jinyoung, someone with dreams and aspirations and the same passion for dance that could rival Jinyoung’s own.
Weeks pass, and somewhere in between sneaking out of dance practices for ddeokbokki runs, to late nights spent whispering secrets to each other; Jinyoung thinks he fell in love.
And that right there, is the start of Jinyoung’s downfall.
On stage, they know him as I:dn’s leader JB, the cool and charismatic dancer of a top hallyu idol group. Jinyoung’s nowhere near his position. He’s still afraid of performing on the stage, and has no plans to leave ahjumma alone in the shop. In any other world, Jaebum and Jinyoung shouldn’t even interact, what with Jaebum’s popularity in their school and Jinyoung’s own slow withdrawal from Kirin. Jinyoung’s always going to be looking behind Jaebum, watching as the other goes on to do great things, and while he doesn’t doubt that he will do the same in his own way, the reality is their paths were never meant to convene with each other.
So Jinyoung says nothing, keeps his feelings in, hidden just like how Jaebum conceals himself behind JB. All he can really do is be there for Jaebum, be the only link the idol has left to normalcy and humanity, a welcomed change amongst the competitive and merciless celebrity world. It’s all he can hold on too, the only thread that connects them
Jinyoung wraps his arms around Jaebum, pulling him into a hug. “Everything’s going to be all right,” for you, because I know how strong you are Jaebum, how much you’re willing to sacrifice for you dream. How much the dancing means to you. So even if it not all right for me, even if I’m not okay with losing you, I’m not going to get in the way.
9.
Jinyoung’s arms feel comforting around his body, so much that Jaebum just wants to stay in this hug forever and never let go. But Bambam is yelling for the two, and Jaebum can hear others rushing around, so he forces himself away from Jinyoung’s arms, giving him a weak smile.
Outside, everyone is busy, despite the gloomy sky and pouring rain. On most days, no one would be out and about during this time, but rain is good for their cause. The slippery streets and hazy sight makes it hard for any human-like being to run around without experience. Zombies may be dead, but they still have a body, which give the still alive humans an attack advantage in this weather.
But zombies are still zombies, and they still need to take precautions. Jaebum is leading a team outside their fortress walls in search for more supplies, meaning he has no time for distractions, no time to draw away when everyone needs him. It's hard, being the de facto leader in their small (village) they've created, but most the people here have little to no family left, and everyone is reliant on each other for survival in this post-apocalyptic universe.
Jinyoung is suddenly next to him; his hand on Jaebum’s shoulder, and Jaebum wants nothing more but to be back in his tent, holding onto Jinyoung, pretending that all he has to worry about is Jinyoung. Ever since the other had joined them in safety here, Jaebum had been captivated with his sunshine personality and optimistic behavior, something so rarely found in a person after the initial infection. They started spending a lot of time together, Jaebum finding comfort in Jinyoung’s presences, the other slowly become one of the most important people in his life. He cared about everyone at their camp, because each and everyone one of them had their own admirable stories and hardships, but there was no denying the attraction between him and Jinyoung, something that blossomed past just friendship into something possibly more.
And sometimes, Jaebum wonders if all that’s stopping it from transpiring into something more was Jaebum’s own lack of confessing. How easy would it be just to tell Jinyoung how he really felt about him, if there was no doubt the other felt the same?
But then he looks to his right, and sees Bambam, Bambam who came to Korea as an orphan and is still holding on to the slightest hope that his two friends and only family left are still alive out there in this deathly world. To his left is Youngjae, living with the guilt of living at the cost of Yugyeom's sacrifice, holding off the attacking hoard of zombies they encountered on their way to safety so Youngjae could escape. Even Jinyoung still has nightmares, him barely making it behind the wall as a human as a young child, and hating every time they have to go out again.
And with that Jaebum pushes away his selfish thoughts. Even if he could entertain the possibility of getting together with Jinyoung, he couldn’t let it come into fruition. As a leader, Jaebum couldn’t show others signs of favoritism, couldn’t let other survivors think he would abandon them all for love. Jinyoung knew as much, and he himself had been cautious of his actions around Jaebum, only letting others see a trustworthy right-hand man who would help Jaebum lead their village to live each day through.
There’s no time for love when he has this much responsibility. It’s a painful sacrifice he needed to make, and even if he regrets it, there’s no turning back from the burden he has shouldered on himself.
The sky is turning darker by the minute, as nighttime is dawning on them, signaling their leave. They need to make it there and back before it goes completely dark, so to lessen the risk of running into a group of zombies unexpectedly. Each venture past their safe haven brings the possibility that some may not return, that some may unfortunately get left behind. Everyone is shaking in fear, and Jaebum’s heart drops.
But then Jinyoung grabs his hand and squeezes tightly. They don’t say anything to each other, but even the slightest of contact strengthens Jaebum. Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe even if he doesn’t outright say it, doesn’t externally show it, maybe just this is enough, staying at the borderline between cautious love and the extreme. Maybe Jaebum doesn’t need to say anything, even if all he wants to do is shout it out to the world, because Jinyoung understands his quiet confession, and his eyes reciprocates it silently back to Jaebum as well.
“Everyone! We’re going to head to the west district, make sure to stay in groups of four or more!” he yells out, and hears everyone chorus their answers. The darkness has engulfed them, but they’re all ready for this. Fear is still the air, but this time, it’s mixed with determination, and the desire for them to conquer whatever comes at them. As long as they’re together, they can survive in this death-infested world for one more day. Survival is their only glimmer of hope, the small light at the end of this dark tunnel that if they outplay the zombies long enough, they will win this battle.
Jaebum lets go of Jinyoung’s hand, motioning the other to follow him in the lead group. Maybe someday it will be much easier to breath in their world, that it’ll be easier for everyone to finally allow themselves the slightest of happiness without the fear of death right in front of them. But for now, Jaebum is content with where he is.
Because with Jinyoung by his side, Jaebum feels like he can do anything.
+1.
The crowd’s screams echo into the night sky, energy in the stadium high despite the pouring rain. The outline of seven bodies are radiant against the night sky, each one of them breathing heavily after a performance done well. They are all soaked through, their clothing sticking to their bodies, raindrops mixed with sweat against their skin, but no one’s frowning, everyone sporting a bright smile out towards the crowd.
Everyone but two of them.
They’re smiling yes, but at each other instead, the performance, their members, the audience - everything forgotten in a world where only the two of them exist.
In each lifetime, two people fell in love. It’s unconventional, and often would lead to major consequences. Call it fear, call it responsibility, but the last lines remain unspoken, each story ending unhappily.
This time is no different. There is an original meeting. Undeniable attraction between the two parties. But life isn’t perfect, and conflict arises, causing insecurities and uncertainty that their love is worth it. All that’s left is the sad acceptance of their fate, two lovers never meant to be together, and the script will be left unfinished, only to be restarted and repeated again in another alternate universe. Their story has been rewritten over and over, the outcome always the same.
Jinyoung moves his mic away from his mouth. “I love you!” he screams, almost inaudible under the crowd’s cheers, under their fellow members own declaration of love towards their fans, but Jaebum can hear it.
“I love you too!” he yells back.
Maybe this time is different. Maybe this is the exception. Maybe something changes the routine for good, even if the format has been played over and over before.
Maybe now, Jaebum and Jinyoung can have the happy ending.
Because despite the ten times they’ve fallen in love, there’s only one where they actually said it.
Recipient: xlevinia
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 6,500
Warning(s): none
Summary: Jaebum and Jinyoung live in a continuous love story. (Or, nine different times when they fell in love, and once where they actually did.)
1.
Jaebum already decided. Inhyung was too important for him to let anything happen to her. Maybe it had a lot to do with how he watched her grow up, watched her through times of cheerfulness and especially through times of pain. Or maybe it was because of the fun and joy they had together during the few weeks spent at her trailer, and how he wanted her to always feel that way forever. Whatever it was, as soon as he heard what had to be done to ensure Inhyung’s happiness, his mind had been set from the beginning.
“Isn’t it good to leave a nice memory?” Jinyoung’s addressing them all, but he’s only looking at Jaebum, the small smile on his lips a heavy contrast from the darkness in his eyes. “For Joo Inhyung…” Jaebum gulps. “And for you guys too…” Everyone remains silent, watching Jinyoung look down. There’s a small ache in Jaebum’s head. “Because it’s going to be your last performance.”
Youngjae shudders next to him, and Mark and Jackson shift uncomfortably, but Jaebum doesn’t look away from Jinyoung’s slumped form, even as the pop star refuses to meet him eye to eye. The ache in his head spreads to his heart, his eyes blinking away threatening tears.
It’s almost bittersweet. Jaebum has every reason to hate Jinyoung after the week of tension and turmoil he caused the knights, but one look into those desolate eyes has Jaebum feeling only sadness. There’s something hidden in them that tells Jaebum there’s more to his story then he lets on, and he desperately wants to know more, more about the pain and suffering hidden behind Jinyoung’s guarded persona. There’s so much he wants to say to Jinyoung, so many words to make up for the weeks of hostility and antagonism when neither party really understood the others intentions.
But all that escapes his mouth is a simple thank you, as Jaebum holds his hand out as a show of gratitude. Jinyoung grabs it firmly, the warmth sending sparks through Jaebum’s body. It stays there even after Jinyoung lets go and promises to take care of Inhyung. But who will take care of you? nearly escapes his mouth, and suddenly it feels like his job on earth isn’t done, he’s not ready to go back, because there’s still so much more Jaebum selfishly wants to do for himself, for Jinyoung.
Jaebum was convinced that everything he had been doing, everything he felt, everything that had happened these past few weeks; it was all because of and for Inhyung.
So why was it so hard, why did it hurt so much, to watch Jinyoung walk away?
2.
Jaebum’s heavy glance is on him as Jinyoung walks through the doors to their outer court, but so is his father, the royal procession, and everyone else in the throne hall, so he looks straight ahead as he strides in, avoiding everyone’s eyes.
That doesn’t stop him from sneaking a small glance in Jaebum’s direction once he passes his father’s view. He can see a small paper in the guard’s hand, most likely containing a rendezvous point, maybe a key to a small room rented out on the outskirts of the royal complex. His own hand twitches.
They’re supposed to be facilitating inter-kingdom cooperation, but he’s sure his father wouldn’t appreciate the type of “partnership” him and Jaebum are in. On the surface, the meetings between Jinyoung and Jaebum are nothing more then tense and cordial. Jaebum’s just a bodyguard to the capital’s scholar Youngjae, and Jinyoung’s supposed to be their own kingdom’s representative in the peace talks and treaties. It’s almost ironic how these meetings are heavily watched over by warriors from both sides, but considering how past meetings between the two have fared, everyone in the room is wary of the “capital scum”, Jinyoung included.
Then one night, Jinyoung had taken their two visitors into his private sarangbang for a toast to friendly relations. One hour in found Youngjae lying peacefully in Jinyoung’s study room, leaving Jinyoung alone with Youngjae’s silent guard, Jaebum.
What happened next changed everything.
Jinyoung could blame it on the soju, or maybe the tranquility of the night, but that only meant lying to himself about the true reasons for their illicit affair. Where most others only saw distance in Jaebum, Jinyoung saw a fire in his eyes, a burning temper which only sent sparks to his own heart. As the night went on, the fire only burned brighter, and spread amongst their bodies, finding Jaebum in Jinyoung’s bed the next morning and many after.
He wonders if Jaebum had felt the attraction that pulled the two together, or if this was only a ploy for Jinyoung to more easily give in to Youngjae’s demands. To Jaebum, their meetings probably meant nothing, even if to Jinyoung Jaebum made up his whole world, the sun and stars and everything in between. There were so many sides to Jaebum hidden behind the guarded exterior, and each night spent together only left Jinyoung wanting to know more about him, to explore the many dimensions that made up this mysterious stranger. Jinyoung is far from a romantic, but the time he spent with Jaebum left wisps of dreams in him, desires for something more. But those fantasies went as soon as they came each morning, when Jaebum would leave first to attend to his duties, Jinyoung sitting on the bed alone, huddled up in the sheets, the blissful memories of the night prior turning into twinges of sorrow.
The paper is tempting. Jinyoung knows he shouldn’t take it, knows that Jaebum would understand. Even if their nights were full of heated passion and love, they’re still surface enemies, and there was no doubt the other royal officials would call treason if they found out. Only a few more days and Jaebum will return to the capital and Jinyoung to his books. He should end this now, before his feelings grow into something more, before he does something that will threaten his position and - quite possibly - Jaebum’s life.
Before he says the one thing that would shatter the happy illusion he painted of them in his mind forever.
He slides just close enough to Jaebum, walks by him with the grace and nobility expected of the ruler’s eldest son. Everyone else is too busy keeping an eye on his expression; tension rising to see if a fight between the two would break out.
No one is paying attention to his hand at all.
3.
Jaebum walks past Jinyoung, not sparing the other even the slightest of glances. He doesn’t look down at his hand, but can feel the paper he was holding - which contained a photo of their latest target on it - gone, and knows that Jinyoung, the one assigned to shoot him down, has it.
He meets Nichinbi by the elevators, and they take it up to the third floor where Jia-er is. The balcony of their rented room has a great view of the Hawaiian beach, but Jaebum is more interested in the small alleyway besides their hotel, the kitchen door where Jinyoung was suppose to exit at 12:45 sharp.
“He’s not going to magically appear if you keep staring at the door, JB.” Jia-er scoffs, falling back onto the bed. Jaebum glares at him.
“While the subject of Junior is up, how much more money do you need for that “surprise” for him?” Jaebum hisses at Jia-er to be quiet, but he’s sure the other doesn’t even know what the word means. He’s glad Jinyoung’s not on this comm.
“And are you sure that he’ll even accept? I mean, the most we see you two doing is flirting around with each other. I’m not sure your “plan” will work if you haven’t said your ‘I love you’s yet.” Jaebum rolls his eyes.
“You haven’t?” This time it’s Nichinbi who speaks, looking up from his (suspiciously pink) magazine in shock. He waves the magazine in front of Jaebum’s face. “JB, according to this you know that means your relationship is bound to fail!”
“Are you reading… a teen magazine?” Jia-er leaned forward, interested.
“Can you guys please get on task here?” Yi-en’s voice sounds suddenly on their comm, sounding annoyed. “We don’t want anything to go wrong, so you guys get back in position and wait for Junior to exit the building.”
“Are you saying something might go wrong?” Nichinbi’s eyes are alarmingly wide, but he always sounds panicky, so Jaebum just smiles and puts his arm comfortingly around the younger.
“Don’t worry - we just got to trust the plan the organization gave us.” Usually, teams were just given a name, place and time to complete the mission, but sometimes for higher priced targets their organization sent them detailed plans to ensure a more controlled and effective execution. Not that Jaebum minded. The faster a job went by, the higher the pay. He’d had his eye on a set of diamond bands he found at a small jeweler in the Caribbean - where their last job was - and he almost had enough to get their names engraved on them.
Jia-er may question their relationship, but only Jaebum knows Jinyoung’s real name, something that in their line of work, is the ultimate show of trust. Other couples can throw around terms of affection easily, but the two of them are anything but normal.
“JB!” Yi-en’s frantic voice breaks into his thoughts, and he sits up. If Nichinbi anxious behavior usually means nothing, Yi-en being in panic is in itself a cause for great worry.
“JB, I lost contact with our driver, get Junior out of there now.” His mind is rushing a million miles a minute, eyes analyzing every possible solution as quick as possible. He won’t make it downstairs in time in order to warn Jinyoung before hand. The door Jinyoung is exiting out of is wide open, no way for him to hide from the many tall buildings and obscure windows around them. Jinyoung didn’t have any communication with him in order to bypass security scanners easier, has no protective gear to make him appear normal. Everything is too perfectly planned out for a set up.
“All the information about the target, it’s all disappearing!” He can hear furious typing on the other hand, and Yi-en’s voice comes out even more urgent then before. Nichinbi is already prepping a rifle, and Jia-er is scanning the nearby buildings for a hidden sharpshooter. “I think we got hacked, tell the organization to call it off!” But no, he knows better. The system doesn’t like relationships, absolutely despises them.
The clock beeps 12:45. Jinyoung steps out. Jaebum can hear himself screaming Jinyoung’s name, can hear Jia-er yelling where the sharpshooter is and Nichinbi pulling the trigger. But it’s all too late, because Jinyoung looks up with and mouths quietly at Jaebum. He can’t make out what Jinyoung is saying through his tear stained eyes.
All of the organization’s game plans have 100% success rates - which meant this one was 100% supposed to fail.
It doesn’t make the pain of watching Jinyoung fall to the ground any better though.
4.
Jinyoung hates the pitying eyes that are always looking down at him.
Doctors, nurses, friends and even family; it’s always the same teary-eyed, sympathetic stares with quivering smiles, the same words of pseudo-comfort that tell him it’s going to be all right, or you’ll get through this, as if their words can magically cure him.
(Jinyoung’s a medical researcher. He knows how untrue that is.)
And yet Jinyoung could stare at Jaebum’s eyes forever, stare into his dark and brooding orbs that only spoke to Jinyoung of how much he could trust the other. If Jaebum told him everything would be okay, there was no doubt those words would make its way into Jinyoung heart. Jinyoung never wants Jaebum to look away, never wants Jaebum to leave his side.
This would be the perfect time to finally confess, he can’t help but think; to tell his best friend since birth exactly how he felt all these years.
But then he sees his girlfriend standing silently by the door, comforting Jaebum’s son, and that fantasy fades as fast as it came. Yugyeom always saw him as his favorite uncle and nothing more, never forgetting his passed mother. She’s the reason why Jaebum worked endless hours in the lab, looking for a cure.
Everyone thought that was the reason he spent countless days there too. Jinyoung won’t deny it entirely, because he loved his sister as much as he loved Jaebum, but the selfish part of him only spent days upon days tirelessly hunched over diagrams and microscopes because it was alongside Jaebum. He cared so much for the other, and he just wanted to help Jaebum finally find closure, finally find peace (and perhaps then, open his heart once more for love).
How was he supposed to know that much exposure to something so good could lead to him being infected by something so bad?
He can feel his eyes closing. Doctors are rushing around him, all but pushing the three out of the room to perform the operation. But Jinyoung won’t let go. He’s already been through this before, tears streaming down his eyes as he watches Jaebum bawl over the still body lying in bed. Combined with all his years in research, all the fruitless nights hunched over diagrams and microscopes and DNA samples; as soon as Jaebum steps out the room, Jinyoung’s never going to see him again.
If only he could say how much Jaebum’s eyes meant to him, how much Jinyoung loved to hear his laugh, see his bright smile, watch his face glow in happiness - things that Jinyoung hasn’t seen in years but can still remember as if they were yesterday. If only Jaebum could finally know how much Jinyoung appreciated all the elder had done for him since they were young, from holding his hand as they walked to school together, to holding him close when first his father, then mother passed away. If only Jinyoung was strong enough to tell Jaebum what he should have told the other the night Jaebum came to Jinyoung, asking for his sisters hand in marriage.
If only he could tell Jaebum how - as he walked his sister down the aisle that fateful summer night - all Jinyoung could think about was how he wished it were he instead.
But instead, he keeps silent. Instead, he lets Jaebum take his hand, stares into Jaebum’s tear-stained eyes, and listens to the last thing he wants to hear, that everything’s going to be all right.
5.
“Okay Jinyoung-ssi, everything’s all right, you can wake up now!”
Jaebum breathes a sigh of relief when Jinyoung’s eyes open, blinking a few times as they register his surroundings.
“Checkup complete.” A mechanical voice sounds from behind him, but Jaebum pays it no notice, just helping Jinyoung sit up on the bed.
“We did the general check up, and as usual nothing is wrong,” Bambam is flipping through his clipboard, yawning as he dully scribbles on the page.
“I mean, you’re a chrome, not sure why you even need to visit us anyways… you can let go of Jinyoung-ssi hyung, he’s not going to disappear if you do.” Jaebum looks down. His hand is still looped around Jinyoung’s, but Jinyoung is giving him a shy smile, and those shining eyes mesmerize Jaebum, who never wants to look away. Bambam clears his throat once again and Jaebum jolts, pulling his hand off Jinyoung’s and rolling back to his computer.
“Your infatuation is eradicating from every pore of your body, it’s suffocating even me.” Bambam mockingly hisses in Jaebum’s ear, before turning towards Jinyoung with a bright smile, holding out a tray of chocolate-covered muffins. “Want one Jinyoung-ssi? Hyung and I made them this morning and-“
“Please don’t, they’re not even that good-” Jaebum moans in disbelief, but Jinyoung grabs one anyways, and bites into it eagerly. His lips curl up into a smile, and Jaebum’s heart breaks into even more pieces.
Everything’s perfect about Jinyoung. Jinyoung is a chrome, a human who was genetically engineered for perfection and excellence. He has the best possible genetic ratio, the perfect combination of genes that give him beauty and intelligence far beyond any normal. Technically, Jinyoung doesn’t need to visit Jaebum, considering his genetic makeup doesn’t have any errors needed for a doctor’s visit, and yet-
“I’ll see you next month then?” Jinyoung sounds expectant, and it almost strikes a spark of hope in Jaebum’s own heart, but down on Jinyoung’s paperwork it reads Jinyoung Park, Human-Chrome in bold letters at the top, so different from what Jaebum knows is written on his own medical forms; a difference which means no matter what his heart desires him to say, his head knows better.
He smiles weakly back at Jinyoung. “I’ll be here.” He replies instead, watching as Jinyoung takes another bite of the strawberry happily. Jaebum burnt the chocolate while melting it, and Bambam had added to much milk when mixing the batter. There’s no doubt Jinyoung could have made them better, his genetics allowing for nothing less then perfect. Chromes are societally higher then normals, and even if Jaebum is hopelessly in love with Jinyoung, he’s just not fit for the chrome.
So Jaebum keeps silent, even if Jinyoung looks so cute with muffin stuffed in his cheek, a smidge of chocolate on his bottom lip. The other smiles at him brightly, and Jaebum just grins weakly back, biting the question he’s always wanted to ask Jinyoung since the first time he met the other.
He turns away from Jinyoung, missing the slight fade in the chrome’s smile. Instead his eyes catch on two movie tickets to the film adaptation of their favorite book clipped to his board. He’ll just have to ask Bambam again.
6.
Jinyoung slowly bites into the sweet tiramisu, trying to savor the taste, but everything feels bitter as he watches Jaebum’s lips curl up into a smile, his eyes twinkling down at yet another nameless girl.
It’s the whole reason he’s here, so that those bright-eyed big-breasted females Jaebum’s parents all but thrust into Jaebum’s arms wouldn’t turn into anything more. It’s almost rude, considering how he’s “officially” Jaebum’s date, and yet the heir’s parents never regards Jinyoung’s presences even after being paid to attend at least a dozen of these events.
But therein lies the problem, with everyone giving him looks of disgust, the whispers loud enough to hear their exact thoughts on him - the poor escort Jaebum brings to parties Jinyoung could only have previously dream of being invited too. It shouldn’t matter to him. He knows his place, has been trained on how to act around these types of people. When Jaebum first requested for Jinyoung’s services, all Jinyoung could think about was the hefty paycheck he would recieve for attending high class parties, a dream job escorts could only wish to get.
Now, every time Jinyoung gets called to attend another party of Jaebum’s, his heart sinks a little lower. It’s rare to get a regular amongst their clientele, and everyone at his agency keeps telling him how lucky he was, but all Jinyoung feels is a stab of pain whenever Jaebum even looks at someone else, when they get to see the gentle eyes and shy smile that makes Jinyoung’s heart race.
Jaebum looks up, his eye catching onto Jinyoung’s. It’s his signal to interfere, to get Jaebum out of a particularly clingy situation. His first night, Jinyoung and walked up behind Jaebum, a light hand on the heirs shoulder and his eyes glaring at the girl with a mock smile on his lips, the perfect model of what Jinyoung’s job consists of.
Now, Jinyoung’s not sure he wants to work here anymore.
He walks past Jaebum, not doing his usual interfere-to-get-Jaebum-out plan. He can hear Jaebum excusing himself; hear the girl’s but why oppa and his head aches even more when Jaebum replies I need to check up on my date right now, I’ll talk to you later?
Jaebum’s eyes are burning into him as he steps into the men’s room, but even then Jinyoung doesn’t turn, doesn’t know what to say.
“Is everything all right?” And there it is. Jaebum’s not even angry with him, and Jinyoung can see from the mirror genuine concern in the other’s face.
“Are you tired? Do you want to go rest at my place? We can leave if you would like.” He hates how Jaebum makes it seem like Jinyoung was an equal, a normal person when they both know otherwise, know Jinyoung will never be anywhere near Jaebum’s level. He hates it so much because it makes it feel like he is, that Jinyoung is actually someone Jaebum wants to bring these events, someone Jaebum is proud to show around, his hand on the small of Jinyoung’s back and smile only on Jinyoung’s face.
And in that moment, Jinyoung feels like he’s in heaven, feels like he could stay like this forever.
But then Jaebum’s parents appear in the corner of his eyes, or a high-pitched socialite waves to Jaebum from his left, or the sight of wine and champagne and luxuries just reminds Jinyoung of the truth, that even if he wants to just stay by Jaebum’s side forever he can’t, because soon Jaebum will need to get married to a girl - most likely the daughter of a CEO with more then six digits to her name - and Jinyoung will get a new assignment, a new rich person to entertain.
“No it’s all right, I’m sorry I just needed to freshen up that’s all,” he says instead, turning towards the sink. He can feel tears coming to his eyes, and furiously will them away. Lesson number one of being an escort is to keep emotions out of the game, and Jinyoung’s losing.
He just needs to get through this night, just needs to go out there and be the perfect doll for Jaebum’s needs. He gulps, staring at his face in the mirror.
“We can go out, you have to give that speech-“ But then Jaebum is kissing him, pushing him against the cold tiled walls. All his resolve crumbles, and he slumps into Jaebum’s hold. The tears break through and Jinyoung just holds Jaebum tight to him, wishing for the moment to never end.
Lesson number two is to never sleep with the client, but Jinyoung caved in to that weeks ago, after a glass too many and Jaebum’s tempting bedroom eyes and seductive smile enticing Jinyoung back into his apartment. They never outwardly spoke of what happened, but Jinyoung woke up to Jaebum stroking his hair from his face, and every event from then on Jinyoung never made it back to his own small apartment until the day after, a smile threatening to break his face when Jaebum drops him off.
Lesson number three is to never fall in love, or at least never outright admit it. The first part Jinyoung lost control of after that first night, and it only gets worse with each new event he keeps getting asked for by Jaebum.
But when Jinyoung thinks of everything waiting outside the bathroom as he leans against the wall, his lips pressed against the most eligible bachelor in all of Seoul, he vows never to break the second.
7.
There’s a rattle as Jaebum slams Jinyoung up against his closet door, and something inside his closet falls, but he can care less, his eyes flaring with desire. Jinyoung smells so good, and tastes even better, so Jaebum presses even closer, hands finding purchase on Jinyoung’s waist, drawing the other closer to him.
But there’s something wet against his face, and he can see slight tears in Jinyoung’s eyes, and suddenly Jaebum flashes back to his mother, crying as his father slams the door on them both, bruises littering their body.
“Fuck,” he curses, pulling himself back as far as he can. Jinyoung gasps at the loss of touch, his hands reaching out towards Jaebum, but Jaebum ignores it.
“You didn’t hurt me, don’t worry, I was just in a little shock that’s all,” he sounds almost pleading to Jaebum, and for a second he wants to believe Jinyoung. But Jaebum’s mom always told him she was okay until one day she wasn’t, and all Jaebum is left with is her I’m okay and I’m all right and everything will be fine and all the other comforting statements that doesn’t change the fact he no longer even has parents, what with one buried three feet under, the other in jail for putting her there.
“Please stop fucking lying to me!” he yells, and Jinyoung slightly flinches. Good. The farther Jinyoung is from him, the harder it will be for him to lose his temper around the only good thing left in this world.
He turns away and slides down the edge of his wall. “Just get the hell out of my apartment okay? I don’t want to see your face ever again.” Jinyoung doesn’t go anywhere, instead squatting down next to him. Jaebum growls angrily, but Jinyoung still won’t budge, instead resting his head on Jaebum’s shoulder.
“I’m not going anywhere, until you realize you would never hurt me, ever.” he says, his eyes searching Jaebum’s, and Jaebum hates it, hates how he should just shake some sense into the other, do something to make Jinyoung leave him forever so Jaebum can never hurt him, never lay a hand on him like his father did, never taint the perfect being that Jinyoung is.
But maybe it’s too late, maybe it was too late the first day when Jinyoung - despite the shocked whispered and incredulous glances he got from their fellow classmates - sat down next to the rebellious loner Jaebum, extending a hand of friendship. From that moment on, Jinyoung found his way into Jaebum’s world, became a bright light shining in Jaebum’s damaged life, and Jaebum could only desperately cling on, never wanting to let go of angel in front of him, who has made Jaebum feel like he was actually worth it.
But Jaebum isn’t. Jaebum is just a delinquent with a heated temper. He has nothing to offer Jinyoung, who is the model child, model student, model citizen of Seoul who will only go on to do great things, things that Jaebum couldn’t even dream of achieving. There’s no place for Jaebum in Jinyoung’s perfect life, no place Jaebum can even fit in without risking ruining Jinyoung’s status.
“Please Jaebum, trust me. You’re nothing like your father; you’re going a much better person then him. I’ll never leave you; because I believe in that fact.” Jinyoung is babbling on now, his hand holding Jaebum’s arm tightly, as if he is afraid the other will actually go.
“I love you Jaebum. Why can’t you realize that?” he ends with a whisper, and this time there are actual tears rolling down his face.
Jaebum is searching into Jinyoung’s eyes, his own throat caught. He wants to tell Jinyoung how much the other means to him, how the stars shine whenever he smiles and the galaxies can’t compare to the brightness Jinyoung emits to the world.
Jinyoung’s love for him won’t even compare to how much he means to Jaebum. How even if Jaebum knows he’s not right for Jinyoung, a small part of him keeps hope that maybe someday he will be, and maybe he’ll be able to proudly tell Jinyoung how much of an impact the other made on Jaebum’s world, and that someday…
Someday Jaebum can say how much he loves him as well.
But instead he keeps silent, Jinyoung’s head on his shoulder, the pair of them crying silently. Because admitting it is the first step to giving in, and he loves Jinyoung too much to ever say it.
8.
It felt like hours since practice finished, but Jinyoung is still sitting next to Jaebum, his head on the other’s shoulder. It’s the midst of Kirin’s end of the year showcase rehearsals, but this time around, Oz Entertainment’s CEO is attending, a fact that escapes no one. They’re all under a lot of stress, but Jaebum feels it the most, considering I:dn’s next comeback depends highly on their performance.
“But you know, even if you’re feeling tense because of that, yelling at Yugyeom isn’t going to help him get better,” Jinyoung raises his eyebrows disapprovingly at Jaebum. The idol flinches, and anyone else would be scared of the pressed look on Jaebum’s face, but Jinyoung knows him better then anyone else, and continues on, undeterred.
“Yugyeom-ie just entered Kirin, it’s not his fault he doesn’t know the routine yet.” Jaebum looks like he wants to retort, and Jinyoung can already feel the heat of the infamous Im-temper burning, but he’s been on the receiving side of it so many times already that even if others run at the first signs it was coming, Jinyoung finds a small thrill in provoking Jaebum.
“What, are you going to yell at me too? Don’t forget that I have some of ahjumma’s soup from the shop and I’m not sharing it with you if you dare-“
“Why do you call him Yugyeom-ie, have you guys gotten that close already?” Jinyoung sits up, staring incredulously at Jaebum’s pouty face.
“I think too much exposure to Jackson is getting to you Jaebum-ie, if you’re starting to get jealous at the most ridiculous things-“ he pauses, his eyes narrowing at the slight chuckle bubbling on Jaebum’s lips. “Oh come on, this is no laughing matter, Yugyeom was crying-“
“Okay umma, I’ll go apologize,” and suddenly the tension in the air evaporates, Jaebum’s eyes crinkling instead. “So can you feed me now?”
“You’re only nice to me ‘cause you want my soup.” Jinyoung mutters, turning away so Jaebum can’t see the blush threatening his cheeks. He holds out the soup bowl to the other.
“Thanks Jinyoung-ie, what would I do without you?” Jinyoung freezes, as Jaebum takes the bowl happily into his own hands.
“I’ll really go talk to Yugyeom though, ‘cause you’re right, I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that.” He slurps a bit of the soup down. “It’s just… well you know how much pressure is on me right now, Especially since you-know-who is coming, and he wants to see if we’re ready to release a new album yet or not…” Jaebum pauses, gulping down another spoonful. He sits back, sighing regretfully.
“Really though, what would I do without you?” he turns to smile at Jinyoung, the wide grin sparkling in the dark practice room, and it takes a lot of effort for Jinyoung not to be hypnotized. His mouth opens; words on the back of his tongue just itching to be said, but Jinyoung stops himself before he says something he regret right after.
The thing is, Jinyoung doesn’t know what he would do without Jaebum either. Their first meeting had gotten off to a rough start, with most Kirin students despising the Oz trainees and idols, only here to circumvent the new law requiring underage entertainers to actually study. Obviously Jinyoung agreed with his fellow students, that these “kids” were only taking the easy way out, only at the prestigious arts school because their connections allowed them too.
But then he actually got to know Jaebum. And suddenly Jaebum isn’t this haughty and pretentious kpop star with legions of fans all under his power. He’s another student like Jinyoung, someone with dreams and aspirations and the same passion for dance that could rival Jinyoung’s own.
Weeks pass, and somewhere in between sneaking out of dance practices for ddeokbokki runs, to late nights spent whispering secrets to each other; Jinyoung thinks he fell in love.
And that right there, is the start of Jinyoung’s downfall.
On stage, they know him as I:dn’s leader JB, the cool and charismatic dancer of a top hallyu idol group. Jinyoung’s nowhere near his position. He’s still afraid of performing on the stage, and has no plans to leave ahjumma alone in the shop. In any other world, Jaebum and Jinyoung shouldn’t even interact, what with Jaebum’s popularity in their school and Jinyoung’s own slow withdrawal from Kirin. Jinyoung’s always going to be looking behind Jaebum, watching as the other goes on to do great things, and while he doesn’t doubt that he will do the same in his own way, the reality is their paths were never meant to convene with each other.
So Jinyoung says nothing, keeps his feelings in, hidden just like how Jaebum conceals himself behind JB. All he can really do is be there for Jaebum, be the only link the idol has left to normalcy and humanity, a welcomed change amongst the competitive and merciless celebrity world. It’s all he can hold on too, the only thread that connects them
Jinyoung wraps his arms around Jaebum, pulling him into a hug. “Everything’s going to be all right,” for you, because I know how strong you are Jaebum, how much you’re willing to sacrifice for you dream. How much the dancing means to you. So even if it not all right for me, even if I’m not okay with losing you, I’m not going to get in the way.
9.
Jinyoung’s arms feel comforting around his body, so much that Jaebum just wants to stay in this hug forever and never let go. But Bambam is yelling for the two, and Jaebum can hear others rushing around, so he forces himself away from Jinyoung’s arms, giving him a weak smile.
Outside, everyone is busy, despite the gloomy sky and pouring rain. On most days, no one would be out and about during this time, but rain is good for their cause. The slippery streets and hazy sight makes it hard for any human-like being to run around without experience. Zombies may be dead, but they still have a body, which give the still alive humans an attack advantage in this weather.
But zombies are still zombies, and they still need to take precautions. Jaebum is leading a team outside their fortress walls in search for more supplies, meaning he has no time for distractions, no time to draw away when everyone needs him. It's hard, being the de facto leader in their small (village) they've created, but most the people here have little to no family left, and everyone is reliant on each other for survival in this post-apocalyptic universe.
Jinyoung is suddenly next to him; his hand on Jaebum’s shoulder, and Jaebum wants nothing more but to be back in his tent, holding onto Jinyoung, pretending that all he has to worry about is Jinyoung. Ever since the other had joined them in safety here, Jaebum had been captivated with his sunshine personality and optimistic behavior, something so rarely found in a person after the initial infection. They started spending a lot of time together, Jaebum finding comfort in Jinyoung’s presences, the other slowly become one of the most important people in his life. He cared about everyone at their camp, because each and everyone one of them had their own admirable stories and hardships, but there was no denying the attraction between him and Jinyoung, something that blossomed past just friendship into something possibly more.
And sometimes, Jaebum wonders if all that’s stopping it from transpiring into something more was Jaebum’s own lack of confessing. How easy would it be just to tell Jinyoung how he really felt about him, if there was no doubt the other felt the same?
But then he looks to his right, and sees Bambam, Bambam who came to Korea as an orphan and is still holding on to the slightest hope that his two friends and only family left are still alive out there in this deathly world. To his left is Youngjae, living with the guilt of living at the cost of Yugyeom's sacrifice, holding off the attacking hoard of zombies they encountered on their way to safety so Youngjae could escape. Even Jinyoung still has nightmares, him barely making it behind the wall as a human as a young child, and hating every time they have to go out again.
And with that Jaebum pushes away his selfish thoughts. Even if he could entertain the possibility of getting together with Jinyoung, he couldn’t let it come into fruition. As a leader, Jaebum couldn’t show others signs of favoritism, couldn’t let other survivors think he would abandon them all for love. Jinyoung knew as much, and he himself had been cautious of his actions around Jaebum, only letting others see a trustworthy right-hand man who would help Jaebum lead their village to live each day through.
There’s no time for love when he has this much responsibility. It’s a painful sacrifice he needed to make, and even if he regrets it, there’s no turning back from the burden he has shouldered on himself.
The sky is turning darker by the minute, as nighttime is dawning on them, signaling their leave. They need to make it there and back before it goes completely dark, so to lessen the risk of running into a group of zombies unexpectedly. Each venture past their safe haven brings the possibility that some may not return, that some may unfortunately get left behind. Everyone is shaking in fear, and Jaebum’s heart drops.
But then Jinyoung grabs his hand and squeezes tightly. They don’t say anything to each other, but even the slightest of contact strengthens Jaebum. Maybe he’s wrong. Maybe even if he doesn’t outright say it, doesn’t externally show it, maybe just this is enough, staying at the borderline between cautious love and the extreme. Maybe Jaebum doesn’t need to say anything, even if all he wants to do is shout it out to the world, because Jinyoung understands his quiet confession, and his eyes reciprocates it silently back to Jaebum as well.
“Everyone! We’re going to head to the west district, make sure to stay in groups of four or more!” he yells out, and hears everyone chorus their answers. The darkness has engulfed them, but they’re all ready for this. Fear is still the air, but this time, it’s mixed with determination, and the desire for them to conquer whatever comes at them. As long as they’re together, they can survive in this death-infested world for one more day. Survival is their only glimmer of hope, the small light at the end of this dark tunnel that if they outplay the zombies long enough, they will win this battle.
Jaebum lets go of Jinyoung’s hand, motioning the other to follow him in the lead group. Maybe someday it will be much easier to breath in their world, that it’ll be easier for everyone to finally allow themselves the slightest of happiness without the fear of death right in front of them. But for now, Jaebum is content with where he is.
Because with Jinyoung by his side, Jaebum feels like he can do anything.
+1.
The crowd’s screams echo into the night sky, energy in the stadium high despite the pouring rain. The outline of seven bodies are radiant against the night sky, each one of them breathing heavily after a performance done well. They are all soaked through, their clothing sticking to their bodies, raindrops mixed with sweat against their skin, but no one’s frowning, everyone sporting a bright smile out towards the crowd.
Everyone but two of them.
They’re smiling yes, but at each other instead, the performance, their members, the audience - everything forgotten in a world where only the two of them exist.
In each lifetime, two people fell in love. It’s unconventional, and often would lead to major consequences. Call it fear, call it responsibility, but the last lines remain unspoken, each story ending unhappily.
This time is no different. There is an original meeting. Undeniable attraction between the two parties. But life isn’t perfect, and conflict arises, causing insecurities and uncertainty that their love is worth it. All that’s left is the sad acceptance of their fate, two lovers never meant to be together, and the script will be left unfinished, only to be restarted and repeated again in another alternate universe. Their story has been rewritten over and over, the outcome always the same.
Jinyoung moves his mic away from his mouth. “I love you!” he screams, almost inaudible under the crowd’s cheers, under their fellow members own declaration of love towards their fans, but Jaebum can hear it.
“I love you too!” he yells back.
Maybe this time is different. Maybe this is the exception. Maybe something changes the routine for good, even if the format has been played over and over before.
Maybe now, Jaebum and Jinyoung can have the happy ending.
Because despite the ten times they’ve fallen in love, there’s only one where they actually said it.