15th Slice
[Private//Unhackable]
Yesterday's curse didn't do anything to me. I don't see how it could have. I'm not the kind of person who really has friends or enemies. Oh, I've tried to give off the impression. Back home, Angel might somehow have decided he was my best friend, but that certainly wasn't mutual. Rita is a "girlfriend" which just isn't the same as "friend." And all my "friends" at work could perhaps be thought of my enemies--I'm the one they're hunting now. Doakes may have been something of an enemy, but it's only because he could always see me so much clearer than the others. If I ever kill him, it won't be personal.
But that's still not the same thing, is it? They're not my "enemies," they're simply doing what they must, playing the parts they've been cast in. Debra hunts me too. Hunter and hunted, predator and prey, now there's a division that makes sense. Even my prey isn't made up of enemies. Not really. They're my playmates, the close ones, the ones who see the real me.
Brian is not my friend. Brian is my brother and family is it's own complicated category. Brian and Deb. She knows now, I know she knows. She can't not know that I know that she knows but it's not as if I'm going to try talking about it. I'm not good at talking about my feelings, and not just because I don't actually have them. Now that I think about it, Deb's not any better than I am. It's like--they're both important, but I could only choose one. And she can't know, but it was her.
[/Private]
[Filtered from Deb and Brian/Rudy]
I was going to do something for someone, which I thought would have also made another person happy. But now I think if I do it and she finds out she might be...jealous. But I just need to reassure her she's important. Only that's harder than it sounds, at least for me. I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this.
[/Filter]
[Filtered TO Deb and Brian/Unhackable]
So. Are things ok?
[/Filter]
Yesterday's curse didn't do anything to me. I don't see how it could have. I'm not the kind of person who really has friends or enemies. Oh, I've tried to give off the impression. Back home, Angel might somehow have decided he was my best friend, but that certainly wasn't mutual. Rita is a "girlfriend" which just isn't the same as "friend." And all my "friends" at work could perhaps be thought of my enemies--I'm the one they're hunting now. Doakes may have been something of an enemy, but it's only because he could always see me so much clearer than the others. If I ever kill him, it won't be personal.
But that's still not the same thing, is it? They're not my "enemies," they're simply doing what they must, playing the parts they've been cast in. Debra hunts me too. Hunter and hunted, predator and prey, now there's a division that makes sense. Even my prey isn't made up of enemies. Not really. They're my playmates, the close ones, the ones who see the real me.
Brian is not my friend. Brian is my brother and family is it's own complicated category. Brian and Deb. She knows now, I know she knows. She can't not know that I know that she knows but it's not as if I'm going to try talking about it. I'm not good at talking about my feelings, and not just because I don't actually have them. Now that I think about it, Deb's not any better than I am. It's like--they're both important, but I could only choose one. And she can't know, but it was her.
[/Private]
[Filtered from Deb and Brian/Rudy]
I was going to do something for someone, which I thought would have also made another person happy. But now I think if I do it and she finds out she might be...jealous. But I just need to reassure her she's important. Only that's harder than it sounds, at least for me. I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure why I'm posting this.
[/Filter]
[Filtered TO Deb and Brian/Unhackable]
So. Are things ok?
[/Filter]