Harry Potter Fic; MWPP Era... see, I'm branching out
Title: What Happened This Time? (aka. the McGonagall Monologues)
Rating: G
Warnings: None, not even any slash... in a Harry Potter fic... what's wrong with me.
Characters: James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Minerva McGonagall.
Summary: Just one of the many times the Marauders were called into McGonagall's office.
Disclaimer: None of them is mine. The boys, McGonagall and even Slughorn (cameo appearance only) belong to JKR... I have merely kidnapped them for a short period of time. Fully intending to return them.
“Black… Potter. What a surprise. Mr Lupin as well, I see, and even Mr Pettigrew. This is quite the party, isn’t it?
What’s that, Mr Black, I didn’t quite hear you.
I am fairly certain that Mr Snape is in no way related to the Giant Squid. And ten points from Gryffindor for your language.
Pardon, Mr Lupin?
Ah, His brother cast a cursing hex on him, he can’t help it. Then he shouldn’t be speaking at all. Perhaps you would like to tell me what happened, Mr Pettigrew.
Nothing? I find that hard to believe considering you’re bright green.
Yes, Mr Potter?
Of course none of it is your fault: it never is… Mr Snape had it coming. I seem to remember that being your excuse last week as well.
Mr Pettigrew, please try to keep Mr Black quiet.
I don’t really mind how, as long as he stops swearing.
Mr Lupin, perhaps you’d like to begin.
You were sitting minding your own business - as usual? Then why did…
It was a vicious and unprovoked attack… I see… Mr Snape came at you out of nowhere and hit Mr Potter in the face.
Quite, Mr Potter, it is usually held to be bad form to hit someone wearing glasses.
No Mr Black, I must say I do not believe Mr Snape is that… or that. Mr Pettigrew, if you cannot keep him quiet I will have to take more points from Gryffindor… thank you.
Mr Potter, can you think of nothing that you might have done to instil in Mr Snape such an overwhelming urge to hit you in the face that he chased you down five corridors, two flights of stairs, and twice around the lake?
No?
Not even a meaningfully raised eyebrow? Something you might have muttered under your breath as you walked past him… a particular incantation perhaps.
Still no idea what I’m talking about I see. Perhaps I am going about this the wrong way. Does any of you have any idea what happened to Mr Snape’s nose?
Ah, a sea of blank faces. You really are getting better at that.
Pardon, Mr Black? You didn’t see anything different about his nose?
Please stop giggling, Mr Pettigrew.
I shall remind you then. Mr Snape’s nose did not, before twenty minutes ago, bear such a remarkable likeness to an elephant’s trunk.
Mr Lupin, do you have anything to say?
I’m sure your sympathy for his predicament is unrivalled, except maybe by the sympathies of your allies here. Do you have no idea who performed this interesting piece of transfiguration?
No memory of the incident, I see.
Mr Pettigrew?
Mr Snape deserved everything he got? I imagine it was him who turned you that peculiar emerald shade then.
He was aiming at Potter…
As we seem to have run out of lines of enquiry about that, perhaps we should get onto the more pressing matter of how the four of you ended up on the roof of the north tower when you should have been in a history of magic lesson.
It’s a bit early in the year for freak tornados I’m afraid, Mr Potter.
Flying monkeys? Perhaps they escaped from the nearby wizarding zoo, Mr Black.
Mr Black has suddenly discovered that he can fly without the aid of a broom… Mr Pettigrew, that is fascinating. I shall write to the Ministry immediately, informing them of this momentous occurrence.
The Giant Squid threw you? I shall be certain to have words with it, Mr Lupin.
Mr Black, until such a time as that curse has elapsed I am afraid that I will have to perform a silencing charm on you, do you have any objections?
Quite… Silencio. That’s better. You were saying, Mr Potter?
A cloud of leprechauns picked you up and carried you to the top of the tower to rescue you from the acromantula who was attacking you?
The herd of Acromantula. Go on Mr Potter.
Really… that is incredible, considering there have been no dragon sightings in the vicinity for at least three hundred years.
And Mr Lupin fell off… I imagine that that is when he got that rather spectacular black eye.
But you caught him, Mr Black… yes, I can understand your sign language. Ah, I see that curse carries over into any form of communication. Five points from Gryffindor.
I know it’s not fair, Mr Pettigrew, but the rules are the rules.
No I would not punish a student with Tourette syndrome, Mr Lupin…
Yes, I see how Mr Black’s current affliction is similar, however…
Indeed, it does appear slightly hypocritical.
Yes, Mr Potter. Fifteen points to Gryffindor.
Do I want to hear about how Mr Potter gained that tail?
No… I don’t think I do…
Yes, Mr Black you may go. I suggest you visit the hospital wing first though.
Thank you, Mr Potter. I imagine I will have a good day as long as the four of you are absent from it.
Take your hand off your forehead, Mr Black, I get the idea. It doesn’t mean I want to see you in my office again today, or this term for that matter.
I agree with you whole heartedly, Mr Lupin, that does seem unlikely.
It never is your fault, Mr Potter. You’re always very careful about that.
Good bye, Mr Pettigrew.
Good bye, Mr Black…
Good bye, Mr Black.
…
…Thank Merlin.
…
Yes, Professor Slughorn.
You found these boys setting off fireworks in the corridor?
…Mr Potter, Mr Black - what happened this time?”
Rating: G
Warnings: None, not even any slash... in a Harry Potter fic... what's wrong with me.
Characters: James Potter, Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Minerva McGonagall.
Summary: Just one of the many times the Marauders were called into McGonagall's office.
Disclaimer: None of them is mine. The boys, McGonagall and even Slughorn (cameo appearance only) belong to JKR... I have merely kidnapped them for a short period of time. Fully intending to return them.
“Black… Potter. What a surprise. Mr Lupin as well, I see, and even Mr Pettigrew. This is quite the party, isn’t it?
What’s that, Mr Black, I didn’t quite hear you.
I am fairly certain that Mr Snape is in no way related to the Giant Squid. And ten points from Gryffindor for your language.
Pardon, Mr Lupin?
Ah, His brother cast a cursing hex on him, he can’t help it. Then he shouldn’t be speaking at all. Perhaps you would like to tell me what happened, Mr Pettigrew.
Nothing? I find that hard to believe considering you’re bright green.
Yes, Mr Potter?
Of course none of it is your fault: it never is… Mr Snape had it coming. I seem to remember that being your excuse last week as well.
Mr Pettigrew, please try to keep Mr Black quiet.
I don’t really mind how, as long as he stops swearing.
Mr Lupin, perhaps you’d like to begin.
You were sitting minding your own business - as usual? Then why did…
It was a vicious and unprovoked attack… I see… Mr Snape came at you out of nowhere and hit Mr Potter in the face.
Quite, Mr Potter, it is usually held to be bad form to hit someone wearing glasses.
No Mr Black, I must say I do not believe Mr Snape is that… or that. Mr Pettigrew, if you cannot keep him quiet I will have to take more points from Gryffindor… thank you.
Mr Potter, can you think of nothing that you might have done to instil in Mr Snape such an overwhelming urge to hit you in the face that he chased you down five corridors, two flights of stairs, and twice around the lake?
No?
Not even a meaningfully raised eyebrow? Something you might have muttered under your breath as you walked past him… a particular incantation perhaps.
Still no idea what I’m talking about I see. Perhaps I am going about this the wrong way. Does any of you have any idea what happened to Mr Snape’s nose?
Ah, a sea of blank faces. You really are getting better at that.
Pardon, Mr Black? You didn’t see anything different about his nose?
Please stop giggling, Mr Pettigrew.
I shall remind you then. Mr Snape’s nose did not, before twenty minutes ago, bear such a remarkable likeness to an elephant’s trunk.
Mr Lupin, do you have anything to say?
I’m sure your sympathy for his predicament is unrivalled, except maybe by the sympathies of your allies here. Do you have no idea who performed this interesting piece of transfiguration?
No memory of the incident, I see.
Mr Pettigrew?
Mr Snape deserved everything he got? I imagine it was him who turned you that peculiar emerald shade then.
He was aiming at Potter…
As we seem to have run out of lines of enquiry about that, perhaps we should get onto the more pressing matter of how the four of you ended up on the roof of the north tower when you should have been in a history of magic lesson.
It’s a bit early in the year for freak tornados I’m afraid, Mr Potter.
Flying monkeys? Perhaps they escaped from the nearby wizarding zoo, Mr Black.
Mr Black has suddenly discovered that he can fly without the aid of a broom… Mr Pettigrew, that is fascinating. I shall write to the Ministry immediately, informing them of this momentous occurrence.
The Giant Squid threw you? I shall be certain to have words with it, Mr Lupin.
Mr Black, until such a time as that curse has elapsed I am afraid that I will have to perform a silencing charm on you, do you have any objections?
Quite… Silencio. That’s better. You were saying, Mr Potter?
A cloud of leprechauns picked you up and carried you to the top of the tower to rescue you from the acromantula who was attacking you?
The herd of Acromantula. Go on Mr Potter.
Really… that is incredible, considering there have been no dragon sightings in the vicinity for at least three hundred years.
And Mr Lupin fell off… I imagine that that is when he got that rather spectacular black eye.
But you caught him, Mr Black… yes, I can understand your sign language. Ah, I see that curse carries over into any form of communication. Five points from Gryffindor.
I know it’s not fair, Mr Pettigrew, but the rules are the rules.
No I would not punish a student with Tourette syndrome, Mr Lupin…
Yes, I see how Mr Black’s current affliction is similar, however…
Indeed, it does appear slightly hypocritical.
Yes, Mr Potter. Fifteen points to Gryffindor.
Do I want to hear about how Mr Potter gained that tail?
No… I don’t think I do…
Yes, Mr Black you may go. I suggest you visit the hospital wing first though.
Thank you, Mr Potter. I imagine I will have a good day as long as the four of you are absent from it.
Take your hand off your forehead, Mr Black, I get the idea. It doesn’t mean I want to see you in my office again today, or this term for that matter.
I agree with you whole heartedly, Mr Lupin, that does seem unlikely.
It never is your fault, Mr Potter. You’re always very careful about that.
Good bye, Mr Pettigrew.
Good bye, Mr Black…
Good bye, Mr Black.
…
…Thank Merlin.
…
Yes, Professor Slughorn.
You found these boys setting off fireworks in the corridor?
…Mr Potter, Mr Black - what happened this time?”