sixtythree
1 year ago today is when i saw the deftones play, so i figured id share my pictures from their show again.
warning: this is going to be a random aimless venting entry, so if you dont like hearing my shit i suggest you ignore this.
i know i complain & vent prolly way too much but its my journal & i have a right to say how i feel, right? i wish there was a simply way to end this .. all of this. no not in that sense as killing myself or any of that lame shit, in the sense as ending & stopping all this suffering & pain im enduring & putting myself through. i wish that talking helpped & i was cured for life, but its just not working. maybe its time i just talk to like a complete stranger who doesnt know about me & my life in the least bit. someone who cant judge me & wont make me feel fucken stupid or tell me how dumb i am for feeling the way i do. maybe that would help cuz talking to people who know me inside & out isnt seeming to work or help. maybe a stranger can make me understand what the fuck is wrong with me & tell me how to cope with all this bullshit. yet at the same time i basically know what their going to say & how im just dumb, so its all pointless to try and bother to get some kind of help from anyone. i dont know, i just think im completely fucked for the rest of my life. i keep thinking that eating & sleeping constantly will cure all of this but its just a tempory fix that doesnt last too long. i just wish i could feel better, that there is some kind of easy & quick fix to end all this mess. but yeah i know theres no quick fix at all. its always said that shit takes time to heal & fix, but how fucken long do i have to wait to be fixed. seriously its been like 2 or 3yrs of this bullshit. you would think being with somone who loves me to beyond death would make all of my problems go away, but it hasnt completly. theres still this big chunk inside of me that has yet to heal that not even he could make better. you would think out of all people in this fucked up world that he would be the one to fix me & make my entire life full of complete happiness. but if he cant do that than its just like impossible for anyone else to. im glad that havent let myself resort to becoming a pothead junkie or do any other dumb shit. im sure that would just make me worse off than i already am. i dont need another thing to make me have a false sense of happiness for such a short period of time. not to mention that i would be wasting my non existing money. i prey to fucken god that once i move out & am completly away from here that non of this shit will even phase me for a minute. cuz ill be with tom all the time & that alone will make me beyond happy & hopefully ill be in school for what i love-photography & just have an awsome life.
warning: this is going to be a random aimless venting entry, so if you dont like hearing my shit i suggest you ignore this.
i know i complain & vent prolly way too much but its my journal & i have a right to say how i feel, right? i wish there was a simply way to end this .. all of this. no not in that sense as killing myself or any of that lame shit, in the sense as ending & stopping all this suffering & pain im enduring & putting myself through. i wish that talking helpped & i was cured for life, but its just not working. maybe its time i just talk to like a complete stranger who doesnt know about me & my life in the least bit. someone who cant judge me & wont make me feel fucken stupid or tell me how dumb i am for feeling the way i do. maybe that would help cuz talking to people who know me inside & out isnt seeming to work or help. maybe a stranger can make me understand what the fuck is wrong with me & tell me how to cope with all this bullshit. yet at the same time i basically know what their going to say & how im just dumb, so its all pointless to try and bother to get some kind of help from anyone. i dont know, i just think im completely fucked for the rest of my life. i keep thinking that eating & sleeping constantly will cure all of this but its just a tempory fix that doesnt last too long. i just wish i could feel better, that there is some kind of easy & quick fix to end all this mess. but yeah i know theres no quick fix at all. its always said that shit takes time to heal & fix, but how fucken long do i have to wait to be fixed. seriously its been like 2 or 3yrs of this bullshit. you would think being with somone who loves me to beyond death would make all of my problems go away, but it hasnt completly. theres still this big chunk inside of me that has yet to heal that not even he could make better. you would think out of all people in this fucked up world that he would be the one to fix me & make my entire life full of complete happiness. but if he cant do that than its just like impossible for anyone else to. im glad that havent let myself resort to becoming a pothead junkie or do any other dumb shit. im sure that would just make me worse off than i already am. i dont need another thing to make me have a false sense of happiness for such a short period of time. not to mention that i would be wasting my non existing money. i prey to fucken god that once i move out & am completly away from here that non of this shit will even phase me for a minute. cuz ill be with tom all the time & that alone will make me beyond happy & hopefully ill be in school for what i love-photography & just have an awsome life.