Update
He said last night that I've been distant lately. For months really. Swallowed whole by this depression. No way really, to conduct an engagement. So perhaps, the current suspension of said engagement is not a bad thing.
He asked me to tell him more of what I was feeling. To let him in. And I tried. Words tumbled out about the day before, at work. Training another server, and being overwhelmed by feeling unqualified for the job. The mistakes I make, the things I fail to do. A theme that runs through so many aspects of my life.
He wanted to know what I was feeling. He always wants to know what I'm feeling. And I tried to explain that mostly I'm not feeling much of anything. And that is why I don't talk to him. Not because I'm trying to build this distance and this wall. It's just there.
He apoligized for making me sad, for making me cry. I said at least when I feel sad, I'm feeling something. Why is it that the sorrow feels like it is always lurking in wait? I have moments why I laugh and enjoy myself. Why don't they ever feel more than transitory? Is life anything more than moments strung together? Does any of it matter?
The hardest part is that I recognize intellectually the things that I could do to that would make me happier, more whole, more human. I even make attempts. And I try for a while to be the person I'd so much rather be. Some who strives towards goals instead of floating through existance. I know exactly how to be the person I want to be. I just don't know how to combat the lack of ambition and motivation. The sensation that everything is too much work.
I have no friends here. And the person who should be closest to me in all the world feels walls and distance between us. We played Risk together last night. And he told me how happy it made him when I actually did something with him. I wish I could promise that I would. That I would do more than play solitaire and read and watch TV and work with my life. Only I know those words could turn into lies.
He says he's here for me. I have time to sort myself out. He loves me. I wonder, but don't ask, "How much time before you give up and move on with your own life? And is it selfish of me to want to keep you with me? Am I ever going to be anything but broken?"