My one heartbreak. Yours too.
He finally mustered up the courage and sent him a message, although he knew the other was just next door.
“Dinner next Friday?”
He waited nervously, fingers knotting themselves on their own accord.
Minutes later, he felt his phone vibrate and rushed to pick it up from the table (stubbing his toe against the table leg in the process), where he had left it after realizing he was unlocking it every 5 seconds to see if there was a reply. That didn’t stop him from gazing at it constantly though, as though willing it to give some indication of a reply… a positive reply.
Mouthing curses and empty threats at the offending table leg did little to stop the hammering of his heart as he unlocked his phone and waited for the message to appear.
“Sure, hyung!”
He grinned.
Then his mind registered that wasn’t the end to the reply.
“I’ll ask the rest too, ok?”
What could he say? What could he possibly say?
And so he replied, “Sure! The more the merrier!”
So much merrier, his heart just died a little more.
-
He watched the boy seated opposite him, picking at food he evidently didn’t like but ordered because he had a budget. The new car and its fuel consumption were eating at the allowance his parents gave him.
He tried not to look up too often - often enough as would be necessary for any ordinary person seated across him, but nothing more.
He hid the pleading sadness in his eyes, afraid those huge eyes across the table would detect it. Or that the others seated diagonally across or next to him would suspect something was amiss.
The perfect façade.
But of course, it wouldn’t take much to hide it. He could laugh along whenever Jjong cracked a joke or Key gave a sharp retort to a silly comment made by anyone at the table. All this, while feeling his heart cracking, bleeding itself dry.
The pain remained in his chest, never making it to his laugh, never reflected in his eyes. Contained, it only intensified the pain, but it would never show.
Never.
But it was never difficult. After all, he had long grown accustomed to it. Three years of playing this masochistic game, no one any the wiser.
But tonight, he knew he couldn’t continue any longer. The message had been a plea, but it was brushed aside, intentionally or not.
Three years. Maybe it was time to let go.
How long could you hold on to something that never showed any signs of becoming yours? How long could you keep pinning for someone who never sees you?
He didn’t know if he could ever stop loving him.
Maybe he could never do that.
But at the very least, he could stop hoping.
-
“Drinks?”
“Hyunggggggg… You know the management doesn’t allow me to go out for drinks!”
“So that’s one out. Evidently.” A quick accompanying smirk.
“Stupid you’re-legal-but-BARELY-and-you-are-also-a-role-model rule!” A sulk directed at any potential sympathizer in the group.
“I’ll skip. Jjong too. We’ll accompany Taeminnie back. The fangirls need some Jongkey moments anyway.” A meaningful glance, or glare, followed. “We know there’s been a dearth of such moments recently, compared to JONGHO. MOMENTS.”
“Wh-“ But no more words followed as the voice’s owner was forcefully dragged in the direction of home.
“So I guess it’s just us both.”
He smiled in consent, inhaling deeply; the fresh night air helped suppress the protest and push the ache further down his chest.
-
He stared at his drink uneasily. It was his fifth already. But he didn’t know what else to do besides drinking some more. The silence between them was too awkward. Or maybe it was just awkward to him. The other seemed perfectly at ease, occasionally swaying to the music which played softly overhead.
He had always been the awkward one.
“Hyung, do you think you’ll ever fall in love like Jjong did?”
He looked up from his drink in surprise. He was glad the silence was broken, but not with such a question.
“No…” He said, after a long pause, hoping he didn’t come across as rude or brusque.
“No, as in you’ll never fall in love, or no as in not while you’re an idol?” Came the other’s quick probe.
“No as in not while I’m an idol.” He answered immediately.
There was a slight pause, and the other didn’t say a word, but merely looked at him. He seemed to have known there would be a further clarification or elaboration.
“And also no, as in I’ll never fall in love, I guess.”
“You’ll never fall in love end of story, or you’ll never fall in love and get into a relationship?”
He cursed inwardly. The other seemed to have thought through this conversation, his likely replies, and prepared further questions.
“I guess I’ll never fall in love and get into a relationship?”
He felt as though he was literally one single step, an inch, away from telling the other the whole truth of the matter.
But how could he without a consequent awkwardness, this time, real, unavoidable and felt by both?
“Why?”
Jinki blames his second and third drink - something on the menu called D’oa, particularly addictive if he might say so himself - for the words which stumbled out of his mouth.
“Because the one person I ever liked, ever, on my own volition, will never like me back.”
With the last five words, the pain he promised himself he would keep buried in his heart, piled beneath self-assurances that he wouldn’t allow his heart to ache this way anymore, struggled violently to break free.
Silence reigned once again.
-
He watched as Jinki toyed with his glass, staring emptily at it, desolate, a bitter smile creasing his lips.
Internally, he raged, furious. But more than that, deeper than the rage, he felt an intense, overwhelming sadness - a sadness that made him want to weep.
What he would do to be loved by such imperfect perfection.
web counter
-
trying something different this time. something slightly different from my usual style.
inspiration: me? the last part is pure imagination - me playing out a certain sadistic fantasy of mine. but i never had the guts. and now, i may just be presented with the chance to come clean for once. but i don't know if i dare to.
strange how my life is inspiration for only onho fics. this is rather raw and i would really appreciate comments, be it just a friendly hi from silent readers, because somehow, im in need of some friendliness at this point in time.
'tis all.
“Dinner next Friday?”
He waited nervously, fingers knotting themselves on their own accord.
Minutes later, he felt his phone vibrate and rushed to pick it up from the table (stubbing his toe against the table leg in the process), where he had left it after realizing he was unlocking it every 5 seconds to see if there was a reply. That didn’t stop him from gazing at it constantly though, as though willing it to give some indication of a reply… a positive reply.
Mouthing curses and empty threats at the offending table leg did little to stop the hammering of his heart as he unlocked his phone and waited for the message to appear.
“Sure, hyung!”
He grinned.
Then his mind registered that wasn’t the end to the reply.
“I’ll ask the rest too, ok?”
What could he say? What could he possibly say?
And so he replied, “Sure! The more the merrier!”
So much merrier, his heart just died a little more.
-
He watched the boy seated opposite him, picking at food he evidently didn’t like but ordered because he had a budget. The new car and its fuel consumption were eating at the allowance his parents gave him.
He tried not to look up too often - often enough as would be necessary for any ordinary person seated across him, but nothing more.
He hid the pleading sadness in his eyes, afraid those huge eyes across the table would detect it. Or that the others seated diagonally across or next to him would suspect something was amiss.
The perfect façade.
But of course, it wouldn’t take much to hide it. He could laugh along whenever Jjong cracked a joke or Key gave a sharp retort to a silly comment made by anyone at the table. All this, while feeling his heart cracking, bleeding itself dry.
The pain remained in his chest, never making it to his laugh, never reflected in his eyes. Contained, it only intensified the pain, but it would never show.
Never.
But it was never difficult. After all, he had long grown accustomed to it. Three years of playing this masochistic game, no one any the wiser.
But tonight, he knew he couldn’t continue any longer. The message had been a plea, but it was brushed aside, intentionally or not.
Three years. Maybe it was time to let go.
How long could you hold on to something that never showed any signs of becoming yours? How long could you keep pinning for someone who never sees you?
He didn’t know if he could ever stop loving him.
Maybe he could never do that.
But at the very least, he could stop hoping.
-
“Drinks?”
“Hyunggggggg… You know the management doesn’t allow me to go out for drinks!”
“So that’s one out. Evidently.” A quick accompanying smirk.
“Stupid you’re-legal-but-BARELY-and-you-are-also-a-role-model rule!” A sulk directed at any potential sympathizer in the group.
“I’ll skip. Jjong too. We’ll accompany Taeminnie back. The fangirls need some Jongkey moments anyway.” A meaningful glance, or glare, followed. “We know there’s been a dearth of such moments recently, compared to JONGHO. MOMENTS.”
“Wh-“ But no more words followed as the voice’s owner was forcefully dragged in the direction of home.
“So I guess it’s just us both.”
He smiled in consent, inhaling deeply; the fresh night air helped suppress the protest and push the ache further down his chest.
-
He stared at his drink uneasily. It was his fifth already. But he didn’t know what else to do besides drinking some more. The silence between them was too awkward. Or maybe it was just awkward to him. The other seemed perfectly at ease, occasionally swaying to the music which played softly overhead.
He had always been the awkward one.
“Hyung, do you think you’ll ever fall in love like Jjong did?”
He looked up from his drink in surprise. He was glad the silence was broken, but not with such a question.
“No…” He said, after a long pause, hoping he didn’t come across as rude or brusque.
“No, as in you’ll never fall in love, or no as in not while you’re an idol?” Came the other’s quick probe.
“No as in not while I’m an idol.” He answered immediately.
There was a slight pause, and the other didn’t say a word, but merely looked at him. He seemed to have known there would be a further clarification or elaboration.
“And also no, as in I’ll never fall in love, I guess.”
“You’ll never fall in love end of story, or you’ll never fall in love and get into a relationship?”
He cursed inwardly. The other seemed to have thought through this conversation, his likely replies, and prepared further questions.
“I guess I’ll never fall in love and get into a relationship?”
He felt as though he was literally one single step, an inch, away from telling the other the whole truth of the matter.
But how could he without a consequent awkwardness, this time, real, unavoidable and felt by both?
“Why?”
Jinki blames his second and third drink - something on the menu called D’oa, particularly addictive if he might say so himself - for the words which stumbled out of his mouth.
“Because the one person I ever liked, ever, on my own volition, will never like me back.”
With the last five words, the pain he promised himself he would keep buried in his heart, piled beneath self-assurances that he wouldn’t allow his heart to ache this way anymore, struggled violently to break free.
Silence reigned once again.
-
He watched as Jinki toyed with his glass, staring emptily at it, desolate, a bitter smile creasing his lips.
Internally, he raged, furious. But more than that, deeper than the rage, he felt an intense, overwhelming sadness - a sadness that made him want to weep.
What he would do to be loved by such imperfect perfection.
web counter
-
trying something different this time. something slightly different from my usual style.
inspiration: me? the last part is pure imagination - me playing out a certain sadistic fantasy of mine. but i never had the guts. and now, i may just be presented with the chance to come clean for once. but i don't know if i dare to.
strange how my life is inspiration for only onho fics. this is rather raw and i would really appreciate comments, be it just a friendly hi from silent readers, because somehow, im in need of some friendliness at this point in time.
'tis all.