(no subject)

[dekunkel]

I have been such a basketcase lately. I don't know why. But I've cried just about every day this week, which I NEVER do. And for the first time in my life, I don't feel happy. It's not that I'm miserable, I'm just...not happy. Maybe it's hormones. I'm also wondering if it might be stress over the co-worker program. I sent the app in, but I'm still very ify about whether I want to go. I want to go more than anything, but I'm also dreading going more than anything. Or it could be just general stress. Math club is taking a crazy amount of my time, with extra meetings and lots of work to do at home. I didn't leave school at the end of the school day once this week. But I don't think that's it because I like stress. At least a little. And yesterday at the basketball game I was a complete mess. I started crying around halftime because Rachel seemed really upset and I felt bad for her, and then I was mad at Justin because he was with Kyle and I know Rachel doesn't like Kyle so the two of them probably upset her. It made me so mad to Justin and Kyle enjoying the game when Rachel was alone God knows where. But then I felt really low because I realized I was doing the same thing and I'M HER FUCKING SISTER. I WASN'T EVEN HAVING ANY FUN AT THE STUPID GAME and I don't even have enough love in me to find out what's wrong with the sister who would do anything for me. So I was crying for the second half, but no one noticed, which I can't decide if I was glad for or upset about. Except Elaina Whitesell noticed. She is the sweetest little girl in the world. She was still in her Holy Cross uniform and was skipping to the bathroom where I was crying, and she asked me a few times if I was okay. But that just made me feel worse because I hate being around nice people when I'm already feeling like I don't deserve for anyone to love me. And then I went home and crying with my mom for awhile. She's told me over and over that I don't have to do the coworker thing. And I'm seriously considering backing out. I've been spending a lot of time in the chapel this week, mostly to beg God to make it clear whether or not I have to do this. Because right now I don't think that if I dread it, I'm really being called to it. But then again, I'm not a very generous person, so I might just be being selfish. And then missions, that also made me cry on Friday, during school. The night before I had gotten myself all psyched for missions because I was going to get some STM girls to go and there would be a group and maybe I wouldn't feel like a lonely outcast at this one. But then not a single person was interested, except Sarah a little bit. Not even my Challenge team. So when I was all excited I had emailed Mrs. Hague to tell her that I was going to try and get a group, and now I feel like a freak because no one wants to go. And I don't even know if I want to go now. But if I do the co-worker program I have to because it's part of the training. So yeah. Whatever.

Happy Valentines Day, all. In two days.