(no subject)
So...almost three weeks later, I'll say a little about my trip.
It was really different than I expected it to be. One of the big things was the Spanish. I expected, firstly, for there to be at least one or two other Americans in the group, which there weren't. And I expected that the first two or three days I would be a little lost and then *poof* I'd be fluent in Spanish. But I spent a lot longer being lost, and I don't think my Spanish improved very much. The Spanish was a bigger deal than I thought it would be, too...I guess my attitude was "Oh, it's just the language"--a statement that now seems stupid to me. I never ever in the trip knew EXACTLY what was going on...just rough translations that I made or someone hurriedly gave me. I didn't participate in any discussions. And I didn't laugh at any jokes. That was tough.
The hardest thing for me was something I expected: the lonliness. I KNEW I would be lonely. I KNEW I wouldn't make friends. It happens to me ALL THE TIME, even in the States. But I guess there was a part of me still holding out, that I would make the best friends of my life blah blah like everyone always says about Regnum Christi things. I considered going home many times. The other girls did make efforts, but it's really hard to be friends with someone like me. I can't resent them for not trying harder, they were working on other things. One consacrated spoke English, and she talked to me, but I always felt pressured by her: work harder to make friends, smile more, talk more open up begratefulit'sallyourfault kind of pressure. She tried to help me, but she deluded herself into thinking that she saw changes in me. She made herself think I was happy. She made herself think that I loved it. So OF COURSE I couldn't open up to her....after she says, "Oh, you've been getting along with the girls so much better, I'm so proud of you! My prayers for you were answered!" how could I say "Uh, sorry, still miserable"? So, yeah. That was the lonliness.
The Good Things: I loved working with "the souls". The girls at the camp, the kids with cancer, the people at missions, even the people at our parish. Those were the times when I felt like I could make it until I got home. Missions were the single most beautiful and eye-opening experience of my life, even though they were only three days. Working with ECYD girls was awesome--they were all so sweet, and more simple than us coworkers. I really wish I had gotten to go to more projects, but on account of my lack of Spanish, they didn't send me very many places.
The Aftermath: The longer I'm back, the less fondly I look back on my time in Mexico. The main reason I went was so that I would come back a better person: a better-formed will, a stronger spiritual life, more zeal for my mission as a Christian, leadership skills, good habits, etc. I didn't gain any of those. If anything, I'm a more of a mess now. And it hurts me to talk or think about anything to do with my trip, because I know it was an incredible experience wasted. And I did try. But obviously not hard enough. For whatever reason, whether my stubbornness or the Will of God or something else, I grew farther from my God, I got more lazy and selfish, and less loyal to my Church. I can already see myself changing...my faith is no longer first in my life, I am more willing to criticize others, and I'm in general not as happy. I hate what I'm becoming, and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to it about. Not my spiritual director, as she's Regnum Christi and I think I need a break from Regnum Christi right now.
I think I sound really bitter in this entry. To be honest, I feel a little bitter. But I don't mean to be bashing the Movement or anything...it's been great for me. It just kind of let me down this summer. And now I hate myself.
Isn't that a happy story?
It was really different than I expected it to be. One of the big things was the Spanish. I expected, firstly, for there to be at least one or two other Americans in the group, which there weren't. And I expected that the first two or three days I would be a little lost and then *poof* I'd be fluent in Spanish. But I spent a lot longer being lost, and I don't think my Spanish improved very much. The Spanish was a bigger deal than I thought it would be, too...I guess my attitude was "Oh, it's just the language"--a statement that now seems stupid to me. I never ever in the trip knew EXACTLY what was going on...just rough translations that I made or someone hurriedly gave me. I didn't participate in any discussions. And I didn't laugh at any jokes. That was tough.
The hardest thing for me was something I expected: the lonliness. I KNEW I would be lonely. I KNEW I wouldn't make friends. It happens to me ALL THE TIME, even in the States. But I guess there was a part of me still holding out, that I would make the best friends of my life blah blah like everyone always says about Regnum Christi things. I considered going home many times. The other girls did make efforts, but it's really hard to be friends with someone like me. I can't resent them for not trying harder, they were working on other things. One consacrated spoke English, and she talked to me, but I always felt pressured by her: work harder to make friends, smile more, talk more open up begratefulit'sallyourfault kind of pressure. She tried to help me, but she deluded herself into thinking that she saw changes in me. She made herself think I was happy. She made herself think that I loved it. So OF COURSE I couldn't open up to her....after she says, "Oh, you've been getting along with the girls so much better, I'm so proud of you! My prayers for you were answered!" how could I say "Uh, sorry, still miserable"? So, yeah. That was the lonliness.
The Good Things: I loved working with "the souls". The girls at the camp, the kids with cancer, the people at missions, even the people at our parish. Those were the times when I felt like I could make it until I got home. Missions were the single most beautiful and eye-opening experience of my life, even though they were only three days. Working with ECYD girls was awesome--they were all so sweet, and more simple than us coworkers. I really wish I had gotten to go to more projects, but on account of my lack of Spanish, they didn't send me very many places.
The Aftermath: The longer I'm back, the less fondly I look back on my time in Mexico. The main reason I went was so that I would come back a better person: a better-formed will, a stronger spiritual life, more zeal for my mission as a Christian, leadership skills, good habits, etc. I didn't gain any of those. If anything, I'm a more of a mess now. And it hurts me to talk or think about anything to do with my trip, because I know it was an incredible experience wasted. And I did try. But obviously not hard enough. For whatever reason, whether my stubbornness or the Will of God or something else, I grew farther from my God, I got more lazy and selfish, and less loyal to my Church. I can already see myself changing...my faith is no longer first in my life, I am more willing to criticize others, and I'm in general not as happy. I hate what I'm becoming, and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to it about. Not my spiritual director, as she's Regnum Christi and I think I need a break from Regnum Christi right now.
I think I sound really bitter in this entry. To be honest, I feel a little bitter. But I don't mean to be bashing the Movement or anything...it's been great for me. It just kind of let me down this summer. And now I hate myself.
Isn't that a happy story?