Poop,
I feel like a toothpaste tube with its cap tightened half-way through while someone is trying to force the paste out. This sort of feeling seems to occur every month or week before school starts. Sure, I have a long summer vacation as most college students do, but the reality is that my precious summer vacation is the only time of the year in which I have to spend more time thinking about school instead of forgetting about it. It's sad to say that I've doomed myself to repeat history, but in a larger scale: the fed. is only giving me six thousand dollars for the Fall and Spring semester, however, I'm only able to use half of it per semester. In addition to that, they're not going to give me any grants because apparently my parents make "too much" money. If it weren't for the ridiculously unnecessary fees added into my monthly bills, paying for school wouldn't be a problem, but this is Amurica; we like things BIGGER than everyone else and this includes the cost of attending a higher tuition.
I'm feeling pretty bummed out about the whole ordeal.
I guess that's why they call it, "Higher education." - Ba-dum-tish!
I understand that dad doesn't want to get involved with paying for school excluding extraneous purchases (in this case, he's only willing to help pay for my books). Borrowing from banks would mean higher interest rates and the probability of ruining his credit score. On top of that, he's been worried about paying off the house and cars for some time. While the government offers loans for parents, it's still just too much for him right now. Mom's not fairing any better especially since she switched jobs recently. And although I'm looking into scholarships, I don't think I can lay my eyes on a glowing monitor any longer; I haven't felt this nauseated since the road trip to Florida. It sucks that I just transferred, so although I may not have as much debt as most traditional four-year university students, I haven't been involved enough to be eligible for most, if not, all offers. . . come to think of it, there are a lot of scholarships that I can't seem to fit all requirements for.
I've come across a heavy reference guide on scholarships, including one for Asian-American students, but it's the same old song and dance. A large portion of the Asian-American scholarships are only available for Japanese, Chinese, and Indian students.
On a different matter, I've found myself in a blunder when it comes to my education career, and to be specific, I've been having second thoughts about my major. On one hand, Public Relations would be a wonderful prospect for me. I could fulfill my dreams of running large scaled events including music festivals and anime conventions, and if I don't see that happening in the near future, I heard that the government pays well, even if they're broke themselves (not sure how that works, but it does). And I think that the major suits me personality wise. I care a large ordeal about how I carry myself in public, and I place a high importance on how organizations make ethical decisions. I thought that if and when I get into P.R., I'd make use of my creative skills, get to meet all sorts of interesting people, don't necessarily have to sit at an office all day, and hopefully do some good in the world.
But public relations isn't the only thing I ever want to devote my life to. I want to be a modern day Renaissance woman. I have stories to tell, ideas to apply on canvas, and truth to be performed. In other words: I'm thinking about adding onto another disciplinary study or two, in particular, creative writing; I just don't want to end up staying in school for a very long time. *cough*AnimalHouse*cough*. Don't get me wrong, it's healthy to keep learning through out your life, but in spite of the desire to be "well rounded", don't you think it's a bit much to take a proportion of classes that aren't even necessary to your major?
I wish that I had realized that I had some sort of talent in this field, but I guess it's better now than never. Every diary I ever owned was filled with miscellaneous reminders and doodles rather than personal-daily anecdotes. I never looked forward to writing papers for classes and anyone who has ever had to do that can tell you why: you're forced to come up with an idea based on another person's instructions, research and its requirements are a tedious ordeal, and I know that although the "real world" involves due dates, child psychology researchers proved that if you press time onto delicate matters involving creativity, there is no creativity in the work.
It's a bit embarrassing, but have admit that I had the pleasures (and pains) of writing role-playing stories - the type involving forum boards and people coming up with original characters based off of canonical stories. It's kind of a shame that I stopped practicing through that medium, either because the boards went inactive and/or I wasted my time with other hobbies. Maybe I should start writing down every idea from my head. I'm not sure how well I can keep a blog seeing how I rarely update this journal with personal details instead of the usual sale's posts. Either way, I guess I just have to practice and learn on my own until I'm ready to meet professionals.
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I'm unsure if I want to make a complete switch or continue to pursue my current goals.
I will be studying theater this fall as a minor. I've been having some second thoughts about this lately. I may not be as gung ho about theater as most of my thespian friends, but I still enjoy it nonetheless. In spite of how excited I felt when I read through my text book of scripts, it's just one of those things that I think could have been done with at ICC. There are times when I think about this situation and go, "Why didn't I just study a more 'useful' subject?". At the same time, it is something I enjoy and if I didn't care about it, I probably wouldn't be motivated to learn. In addition, I do have friends who've encouraged the idea of studying something artistic, and who knows if I could make it "useful" or not.
A small part of me still longs to fulfill a childhood dream of being an actress. From a little girl's point of view, I'd do it merely because it was fun; my teenage-self longed for the fame and fortune that comes with a career in film, but now that I've gotten a little older, I realized that it could be something of a social-political statement. I don't feel like joining the Joy Luck Club when it comes to writing; I want to be my own J.R.R. Tolkien. I know that in acting, you have to be willing and versatile enough to play all sorts of roles, but do I really have to play a geisha when I'm Lao-American?
The rational side tends to takes over when it comes to my dreams. I'd like to be a P.R. person, but mostly to pay off my student loans. I'd like to be an actress, but only for so long because I imagine both career paths are often difficult to maintain if and when I ever want to settle down and raise a family. I'm not sure how exactly I feel about writing, but maybe I'll have a better idea when I think about and explore it enough.
I suppose in the mean time, I shouldn't have to sweat about the little stuff, and try to focus on resolving my current problems...and remind myself to take a deep breath.