Home?
::warning:: really long and kind of bitchy ::warning::
I've been doing a lot of thinking and feeling and soul searching lately. I miss school. I miss my friends (from school, other states, other cities, other sides of the divide, and what have you). I miss having goals that I always reached. I miss having a regular sleeping schedule no one argued with me over. I miss getting to be me. I miss knowing everyone's schedule because it only changed on weekends, and sometimes not even then.
I spend a lot more time at Josh's house than I used to during the summer. I also spend a lot of time at home. Mostly at the computer, which means in "my" room. Over spring break I got all my stuff packed up and put in my sister's old room, we moved my furniture upstairs, set up the office in my room, and set up the pool table in the den. I've been home for a little over a full month. It's still not my room. The part of home that was mine is gone. And it will never come back. Home no longer feels like home. It's like being home sick and the place has burned to the ground. I used to say home was where I slept most often that week, or where my computer is. A couple of times I've said it's where Josh is. The last one is the only one that still works. I feel more at home at Josh's house than I do at mine. I almost stayed and slept on the couch tonight. I was tempted. But I had to get the car back to Mom. I feel like I'm back in high school or something. I have to ask to borrow the car, I have to run errands for my parents, I have to ask permission to not be home for dinner, I have to cook dinner. It's more like a job than home.
I'm an emotional wreck about half the time. I don't get to see anyone as much as I want to. I have two jobs, when I'd rather have one. 3 different schools told me I wasn't a good enough writer to get into their program. I can't seem to get anyone else excited about anything I'm excited about, with the exception of Chris and Meg being excited about my weekend trip to Raleigh. No one ever responds to messages I leave, or they respond when it's too later or whatever.
I just feel completely lost and disconnected. I'm still missing some of my recommendations for my last ditch effort to get into grad school in August. I have to finish those this week. I just feel so lost and confused and just, I don't know, just tired and cold and alone. I just want to curl up and sleep until it's all over, go back to August and start over, or sit down with every episode of any Law and Order or CSI ever made and not get up till I've watched them all. I wanna do what I want, when I can or want or need or whatever. I want my own car, my own place, my own life.
I'm thankful for what I have, I really am. My parents still love and trust me. My sister likes me again. I have a degree, two jobs, plenty of food and shelter. I live in one of the better countries where I'm free to think, feel and express what I want. But I'm not me any more. I'm lost int he dark and I can't get out. At least I already know I've been to the darkest places I know of in my soul and I'm to chicken to kill myself or hurt myself. The worst I can do is eat too much and gain weight, which won't kill me for 30 years or so yet.
My oldest and dearest friend is in a bad relationship I can't get her out of or save her from. My parents are parents and thus hard to live with after almost 4 years of autonomy. My sister is unemployed again and still possibly wacky. I have no hope of a family sanctioned marriage date for at least two years. I feel liked I can't keep friends when I move away from them physically due to whatever curse I have about keeping in touch. Life has turned itself on it's ear and I'm still fighting gravity.
Normally this would all be great writing inspiration. But I'm having trouble channeling it. I'll try that next, after some calming DevArt surfing.
I'm going to stop bitching now. Sorry about all that. Advice is welcome, condolences are okay, but if for some reason you want to tell me to "stop being whiney, you have it good" don't bother I know I'm whining and I know I have a good life.
I guess that's it.
Heather
I've been doing a lot of thinking and feeling and soul searching lately. I miss school. I miss my friends (from school, other states, other cities, other sides of the divide, and what have you). I miss having goals that I always reached. I miss having a regular sleeping schedule no one argued with me over. I miss getting to be me. I miss knowing everyone's schedule because it only changed on weekends, and sometimes not even then.
I spend a lot more time at Josh's house than I used to during the summer. I also spend a lot of time at home. Mostly at the computer, which means in "my" room. Over spring break I got all my stuff packed up and put in my sister's old room, we moved my furniture upstairs, set up the office in my room, and set up the pool table in the den. I've been home for a little over a full month. It's still not my room. The part of home that was mine is gone. And it will never come back. Home no longer feels like home. It's like being home sick and the place has burned to the ground. I used to say home was where I slept most often that week, or where my computer is. A couple of times I've said it's where Josh is. The last one is the only one that still works. I feel more at home at Josh's house than I do at mine. I almost stayed and slept on the couch tonight. I was tempted. But I had to get the car back to Mom. I feel like I'm back in high school or something. I have to ask to borrow the car, I have to run errands for my parents, I have to ask permission to not be home for dinner, I have to cook dinner. It's more like a job than home.
I'm an emotional wreck about half the time. I don't get to see anyone as much as I want to. I have two jobs, when I'd rather have one. 3 different schools told me I wasn't a good enough writer to get into their program. I can't seem to get anyone else excited about anything I'm excited about, with the exception of Chris and Meg being excited about my weekend trip to Raleigh. No one ever responds to messages I leave, or they respond when it's too later or whatever.
I just feel completely lost and disconnected. I'm still missing some of my recommendations for my last ditch effort to get into grad school in August. I have to finish those this week. I just feel so lost and confused and just, I don't know, just tired and cold and alone. I just want to curl up and sleep until it's all over, go back to August and start over, or sit down with every episode of any Law and Order or CSI ever made and not get up till I've watched them all. I wanna do what I want, when I can or want or need or whatever. I want my own car, my own place, my own life.
I'm thankful for what I have, I really am. My parents still love and trust me. My sister likes me again. I have a degree, two jobs, plenty of food and shelter. I live in one of the better countries where I'm free to think, feel and express what I want. But I'm not me any more. I'm lost int he dark and I can't get out. At least I already know I've been to the darkest places I know of in my soul and I'm to chicken to kill myself or hurt myself. The worst I can do is eat too much and gain weight, which won't kill me for 30 years or so yet.
My oldest and dearest friend is in a bad relationship I can't get her out of or save her from. My parents are parents and thus hard to live with after almost 4 years of autonomy. My sister is unemployed again and still possibly wacky. I have no hope of a family sanctioned marriage date for at least two years. I feel liked I can't keep friends when I move away from them physically due to whatever curse I have about keeping in touch. Life has turned itself on it's ear and I'm still fighting gravity.
Normally this would all be great writing inspiration. But I'm having trouble channeling it. I'll try that next, after some calming DevArt surfing.
I'm going to stop bitching now. Sorry about all that. Advice is welcome, condolences are okay, but if for some reason you want to tell me to "stop being whiney, you have it good" don't bother I know I'm whining and I know I have a good life.
I guess that's it.
Heather