I love the refrain, but I think the stanzas could use a rhyme scheme like ABAB or ABAC, with B & C having the same accents and number of syllables.
Check the second stanza for what I mean "knife" and "wife" rhyme and except for the awkwardness of syllables in "and threw it in a 7-11 dumpster" - it would be a very strong stanza I think.
Also the last stanza should either be stretched out to four lines with the refrain after it, OR the final refrain can be incorporated into the final stanza fitting the scheme I suggested above.
Remember, what the great poet said, "Revision is the key to good poetry."
I also love that I googled "Revision is the key to good poetry" after I posted the above to see who actually said it, as I could not remember and the only hit that came up was me having posted it somewhere else over 5 years ago.
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I love the refrain, but I think the stanzas could use a rhyme scheme like ABAB or ABAC, with B & C having the same accents and number of syllables.
Check the second stanza for what I mean "knife" and "wife" rhyme and except for the awkwardness of syllables in "and threw it in a 7-11 dumpster" - it would be a very strong stanza I think.
Also the last stanza should either be stretched out to four lines with the refrain after it, OR the final refrain can be incorporated into the final stanza fitting the scheme I suggested above.
Remember, what the great poet said, "Revision is the key to good poetry."
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I'm awesome. :)
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