Pale Tortured Blue 6/? | Uruha/Aoi | NC-17
PTB 6
beta: ravennightmare6
***
As he had expected, absorbing information of no practical use in form of long-winded notes in a PowerPoint printout was not his forte. Yuu could only exhale heavily as his tired eyes skimmed through the lecture’s contents written in a tiny font, which his eyes were having difficulty discerning.
This wasn’t just the issue of him being a mature-aged student because even in his youth Shiroyama could only boast average - sometimes even bordering on subpar - grades, since studying had never come naturally to him. Instead, he preferred real life learning to this, his head had always been filled with thoughts of helping out his foster family financially even if it meant working through his holidays when everyone else had been enjoying their time off school. While his past academic performance had initially saddened his foster parents, they had soon come to the realization that he excelled in more practical areas, so they had decided to place their expectations regarding studies on his younger brother instead.
Yuu might not be able to recall that mitochondria was the ‘powerhouse of a cell’, but he’s known how to calculate his taxes ever since he’d had his first part-time job and that - he firmly believed - was more relevant to his daily life.
However, he was acutely aware that his subject coordinator had already decided what information was necessary for him to know, despite it testing no real-life skills. What also made it near unbearable was the fact that they learned their information in the stupidest way possible since it required students to rote-learn the scientific information, thus only testing their short-term memory. Still, nothing could be done to change his frustrating situation, so he’d just have to suck it up and do what he’d been told to.
Hunching over his notes still didn’t sound like something he’d want to do for the rest of the night. He could always continue tomorrow since he had neither lectures nor (sadly) work but wasting the last few hours of him studying on something mindless didn’t sit well with him either. Yuu usually spent his pre-bed time chatting with his son but Aoi was already asleep since he still had school tomorrow.
Yuu actually still hadn’t decided when he should break the news to the boy and even wondered if the ten-year-old child should be burdened by them in the first place. After all, this was his problem; even if Aoi knew about it, it would change nothing about his current situation. The boy already took his mother’s leaving to heart, and while this news might not be as confronting to the child, knowing that his daddy was struggling at his workplace, it was still an unpleasant revelation. Particularly, when Yuu tried to compensate Minako’s absence with toys and weekly dine-outs, which weren’t a feasible option anymore since he had been demoted. At first, Shiroyama entertained the idea that now he wasn’t working so many shifts, he could allocate more father-and-son bonding time for Aoi but looking at his new schedule made him reconsider it, as he’d be working on weekends instead; besides that, he was supposed to spend his post-work time studying to catch up with everyone else in his cohort.
However, if he finished these lectures tonight, he might be able to do something with Aoi tomorrow evening: maybe they could even go out somewhere, like to the park and feed the ducks in the ponds or something, though Yuu wasn’t really sure if kids of Aoi’s age spent time with their parents this way. Although Shiroyama had the experience of taking care of his younger brother, Takanori had always been more than vocal about his wishes compared to the quiet and shy Aoi, who would rarely reveal anything to him.
The passing thought of his brother and their tight relationship in the past cast a shadow over Yuu. His recent situation caused by Takanori - indirectly, of course, - had weaved serious doubts in him that there would be light at the end of the tunnel regarding their reconciliation. Still, Yuu couldn’t fault his brother for harbouring such antagonistic sentiments against him, because the elder had failed him and, perhaps, deserved these consequences; what’s done is done, so all he could do was deal with it like an adult should. Right now, it was obvious that the most he could do was survive his nursing program and keep giving his son the maximum support.
One step at a time.
Contemplating wasn’t enough, so maybe he needed to take action; for example, do something about these notes because his mind kept refusing to process the material.
“You can always ask me for help” - Kouyou’s text message suddenly crossed his mind.
Should he actually do it? Wouldn’t it mean that he was encouraging their strange relationship? Yuu was the one who had set the boundaries, so it would be hypocritical of him to encroach them first. Honestly, he wasn’t sure how he felt about the man’s constant presence around him. It certainly made him uncomfortable yet a part of him longed for Takashima; the part that he tried to deny all these years. On the other hand, Kouyou was more overt about his feelings, openly wishing to keep Yuu around him even if there was nothing between them anymore, but thankfully he had learned to control his desires and wouldn’t really touch the elder without the other’s consent.
Could inviting Kouyou over his place when he only had pure intentions be considered as leading the other on? Because that was the last thing on Yuu’s mind - he didn’t want Kouyou to expect anything from him tonight; or any other night for that matter. At least, that was what he kept telling himself as his quivering fingers were sloppily pressing a different combination of characters on his phone’s interface, hoping that the screen would not light up a few seconds after he pressed on ‘send’.
Ten minutes passed after he had sent the message and there was still no new notification. Fair enough, it was past 10pm after all and Kouyou most likely had work tomorrow morning, so it wasn’t like Yuu expected him to reply to his message; in fact, he even felt somewhat relieved since he had contacted the other on impulse without deliberating the pros and cons first.
However, as he was brushing his teeth, the familiar trill indicating a new message broke the silence in the living room, causing him to dash all the way from the bathroom, with the toothbrush in his mouth; which he clamped between his teeth once he needed both of his hands to type his reply.
Kouyou answers almost immediately this time.
“Ok coming in 20.”
And the elder nearly dropped his phone, his eyes scanning this line over and over again, still in disbelief at what he had just done.
He just willingly invited Kouyou over.
Fucking great.
What now?
Maybe he was simply overreacting because Kouyou was only meant to come over to help him with his work, nothing more than that. He’d already seen the younger man a couple of times this week, so he shouldn’t be feeling this anxious. As if this was his first time running into Kouyou in eleven years.
But it sort of was.
Kouyou was absolutely right - he deserved to know the truth since Yuu had just cruelly left him without any explanation; running away like the coward he’d been, unable to face the consequences of his foolish actions. So maybe the reason behind him feeling so giddy was actually guilt for making Kouyou become so fixated on him - Yuu had melted that impenetrable fortress around the younger man’s heart, only to have it torn apart by his repeated betrayals.
Then how would he classify that subconscious yearning for the younger man’s presence, his electrifying touches, low velvet voice and other embarrassing things that Shiroyama wouldn’t dare to admit to himself? A mystery that could probably be answered, not without some sort of reluctance though. However, what Yuu was willing to do was give Takashima the explanation he deserved but today wasn’t that day.
On the other hand, he still had to prepare for Kouyou’s ‘arrival’, but wasn’t entirely sure what was appropriate for this setting. It was already night time and normal people didn’t usually invite people over to their houses this late unless it was for a-
Yuu gulped.
-booty call.
And this was clearly not the case.
Nope.
Hadn’t he already spent twenty minutes musing over their relationship? Frankly, Yuu would have probably prolonged his mental suffering for another twenty minutes if it wasn’t for the sudden knocking on the door, which nearly caused his heart to leap out of his chest. Such a pathetic reaction, Yuu wasn’t normally this jittery but somehow this whole waiting game had been making him feel like he was on pins and needles. A second knock came, slightly more forceful this time and, in the end, Yuu decided to open the door for the man.
“Sorry, got caught up in the bathroom.” He lied but nevertheless offered Kouyou an apologetic smile, to which the other just gave him a reassuring one in return. Even at this late hour, Takashima still managed to look dashing without his immaculately done hair while wearing a black turtleneck and grey drawstring pants. A plastic bag in Kouyou’s hand caught his attention, but he decided not to pry about it and let the other man in first.
One step at a time.
Kouyou put the bag on the table before taking a seat on the sofa, his eyes raking over Yuu’s form.
“Cute pyjamas.” He smirked.
And Yuu nearly wanted to bury himself in shame, completely forgetting about his Doraemon pyjamas. Besides Aoi, no one had really seen him wearing something that a 32-year-old normally didn’t, so his cheeks traitorously acquired a rosy tint. He, nevertheless, grumbled something unintelligible in response but it surely meant to be some sign of gratitude.
He was supposed to feel comfortable in his own house and hadn’t really had that much trouble communicating with Kouyou lately since both of them maintained a relatively cordial relationship at their workplace; but here, completely stripped off of his professional façade, Yuu felt vulnerable in front of his boss and coincidentally former (?) lover. He, however, wouldn’t want to make a fool of himself after he had put so much moral effort into finally inviting the man over.
“Coffee? Tea?” He probably sounded like a stewardess doing the coffee-tea round, causing him to mentally smack himself. Really, Shiroyama?
Kouyou, of course, didn’t miss his nervousness, the corners of his lips instantly turning up to form a sly grin. “I thought we’re already past these formalities?” Seeing how the other’s frame only tensed up even further, a soft sigh escaped his lips. “You really don’t feel comfortable around me, huh.”
“What makes you think so?” Yuu retaliated hastily but the way his fingers were crumpling the hem of his nightshirt was clearly giving his anxiety away. This scene was almost identical to the one where Kouyou had turned up at his apartment unannounced the other day. Were they back to the square one? Because he assumed that they were making progress in their relationship, a subtle one, but it was definitely there; not that he consciously put effort into it though. “So coff-” but before he could finish his sentence, Kouyou rudely interrupted him.
“Actually, I grabbed some sake on my way here.”
“You realize that I’ve called you over to help me study, don’t you?” Somehow the ridiculousness of Kouyou’s unspoken suggestion to have a drink right now dissipated his initial nervous predisposition, causing him to cast an amused glance at the younger man.
“Back in the States, I would have a shot or two every time I had to revise for exams, so why not?”
“That is very…irresponsible, I must say. Don’t you have work tomorrow morning as well?”
Kouyou threw his hands up in the air theatrically. “Sometimes, that’s the only way to do it.”
Unconsciously, a soft smile settled on Yuu’s lips, as something warm spread through his chest at this dramatic display. Maybe this night wasn’t going to be that awkward after all.
***
Yuu clearly remembered how patient Kouyou had been when he’d explained the concepts to the elder in layman terms, and surprisingly, Yuu had ended up absorbing this more accessible information like a sponge. As a reward, well, more for himself than Yuu, Kouyou had insisted they take a shot every time the elder had been able to recount the newly learned concepts in his own words; this had continued on and on until they had run out of the study material for the night. Unexpectedly, Takashima had proven to be a really good teacher, which was strange since he hadn’t been in any kind of schooling environment for ages, so should have forgotten all this scientific mumbo jumbo long ago. Or maybe the man had always had a knack for natural sciences, something he had clearly not demonstrated to his teachers and class back in high school, preferring to fuck around with Yuu (quite literally) instead.
One thing that Yuu was sure about, however, was the man’s clear proficiency in kissing, which only seemed to have improved over the years. He was unable to recall how the hell they had ended up in this compromising position on the sofa, with Kouyou on top of him, his lips locked with Yuu’s as the younger’s warm hand caressed his skin underneath the nightshirt; their tongued intertwined in some frenzied dance while the alcohol content in their blood was hitting its benchmark, destroying any sensibility left in him. Yes, that was definitely alcohol’s doing rather than Shiroyama accepting the reality of it right now, but for some strange reason he couldn’t pry himself off the younger man and instead deepened their kiss to the other’s surprise.
Kouyou could only smirk through their kiss, as he took Yuu’s aggression as an invitation to become bolder himself. Gentle, sensuous nipping soon turned into full-fledged biting of those plush lips, bruising them as a result and causing minuscule droplets of blood to form on their lips, thus leaving a coppery aftertaste on their tongues. He pushed his tongue deeper into the elder’s mouth, caressing the warm cavity and subsequently, drawing a pleasured moan from Yuu, who quickly gasped afterwards, surprised by his own unexpected vocal reaction.
“W-wait,” Shiroyama pleaded, somehow regaining his senses, slowly becoming horrified by what was unfolding in front him. What the fuck he was doing?! He wanted to push the other man away, scream at him for allowing such intimacy when he had explicitly turned him down before, fully aware that they were not in the position to allow such liberty anymore. However, the invisible pull was forcing him to stay locked in this position and let Kouyou continue exploring his mouth with his deft tongue and warm lips. Like being in a never-ending daze, he kept reciprocating Kouyou’s ministrations, his fists mercilessly crumpling the younger man’s turtleneck, as his whole body quivered in delight.
This was so wrong, yet he didn’t take another course of action in response to this thought, only drawing closer to Kouyou, his hands finally leaving the poor turtleneck alone to find their way to cup the younger man’s face.
Takashima didn’t expect such a gentle gesture from the elder but nevertheless relished in the other’s touch, which had been buried deep in the darkest recesses of his mind for all these years. Yuu’s hands remained calloused over the years, signifying the comparative manual labour he had to perform, yet they didn’t feel unpleasant on his skin - it was actually the opposite; Yuu felt like home, the one he’d never had with his parents always engrossed in their work and his sister never seeing eye to eye with him - they were his blood and flesh and probably loved him, especially his mother, but it wasn’t the kind of love he needed.
Familial relations, bound by biology alone, couldn’t fulfil his criteria.
The love he required was life changing, capable of turning his whole world upside down; it burnt with that inextinguishable flame, rekindling all these feelings he had repressed within himself as he had tried to move on with his life, the ghostly sensation of those warm, rough hands persistently lingering on his skin.
During all those years he had spent in America, Kouyou had just wanted to go home, his one and only home. However, he’d known he couldn’t set his foot back on Japanese soil yet, not until he became a man of equal standing to Yuu and he didn’t mean that socially. Yuu had soared so high that Kouyou’d been terrified of not being able catch up with him - and he still hadn’t, seeing how helpless he had been despite his powerful position as CEO - even now he was unable to help the person who meant the world to him.
However, Yuu didn’t ask for the world, he just wanted his dignity back, as simple as that, nothing more and nothing less, and still Kouyou couldn’t even give him that. On the contrary, eleven years ago, Yuu had discarded his self-respect when Kouyou needed him the most, forced to endure all that humiliation the other had put him through. However, gods were fair, so Yuu’s tormentor had been punished for his wrongdoings; one particular crime too heinous to utter, yet the elder had never gloated over it but instead accepted Kouyou into his soothing arms, irrespective of his real intentions. When Kouyou had shed painful tears or when he had been consumed by fear, the elder had become his pillar, holding him up and preventing him from falling apart; Yuu had been his refuge to hide from the world when his sanity was crumbling into little pieces, leaving behind an empty shell of the person he used to be.
So maybe eleven years hadn’t really been successful in erasing his feelings for Yuu, no matter how dysfunctional their relationship had been. Maybe eleven years after he’d still be pining for the elder’s affection, so desperately that he’d probably do anything for him, anything for Yuu to let him back into his home again.
This meant not losing his head and being in control of his feelings, otherwise he’d set himself on the path of failure again, inevitably hurting Yuu when that was the last crime he wished to commit again. So, he gathered all his strength to disregard the throbbing pain in his groin and became the one to pull them apart from each other; because he was fully aware of the consequences. Yuu probably wouldn’t be able to forgive either of them for this and would push him away even further this time as a result, so if Kouyou wanted to have the elder in his grasp again, it was necessary him to do it at the older man’s pace.
“What’s wrong?” Yuu asked, his speech slightly slurred, eyes still unfocused from the booze and their earlier make-out session. Meanwhile, his sneaky hand was subtly making its way to Kouyou’s not-so-subtle bulge, but it was caught mid-way by the other’s own shaky hand, causing him to pout uncharacteristically.
Yuu’s fucking adorable expression only treacherously made the younger man harder - Takashima required all of his self-restraint not to take the elder right here and now.
“It’s because of the alcohol.” While Kouyou had indeed had an intention of loosening the other up slightly so they wouldn’t be so awkward around each other, he’d never imagined the man to be so overt about his innermost desires when drunk. Himself, the younger one was also quite buzzed and decisions made in an inebriated state would usually bear dire repercussions. “Yes, it must be the alcohol,” he muttered under his breath and instead, pulled them both up into a sitting position, still facing each other.
“Kouyou…”
The younger man was savouring the way his name rolled off the tip of Yuu’s tongue but all he could afford to do right now was to kiss the other man’s forehead.
“You aren’t alone in this, Yuu,” he said, his voice unsteady but whether it was from the alcohol or the rush of emotions, he couldn’t fathom. “I’m always here for you.”
The other gave him a confused look in return.
“I’m always here for you,” the younger one repeated this like a mantra. “So please rely on me more.”
“K-Kouyou…”
Takashima gently touched the elder’s cheek.
“You were my pillar back then.”
The concept of ‘empathy’ might still be alien and distant to someone like Kouyou, yet ‘love’ had never hit so close to home.
“So let me become your pillar this time.”
***
Shiroyama gathered all his willpower not to let the thoughts of that night wander back into his head while he was on duty; because after that night, the next twenty-four hours had been wasted on him reprimanding himself for allowing the liberty of unleashing his old feelings without considering the consequences properly. Their frivolous kiss had no place in this period of his life, better left behind in the past together with those feelings, which had suddenly surfaced upon ingesting that poison people dubbed as ‘alcohol’. Never again. Notwithstanding his wishes though, his heart would traitorously clench every time he thought back to Kouyou’s last words, subconsciously wanting to foolishly believe them.
No!
Whatever they’d had in the past should really remain in the past, he kept telling himself.
Yuu also remembered waking up to a massive hangover like he hadn’t felt in ages, with Kouyou already gone to work, his head splitting in half as a result of the alcohol overkill the night before. Aoi had only given him a knowing look before leaving for school, without saying anything else besides the customary “bye”. So he had spent the next day in isolation, beating himself up about that kiss. Although he had to begrudgingly admit that Kouyou would have made an excellent tutor since he somehow managed to retain the information, they had discussed before allowing themselves to indulge in debauchery later that night. Maybe inviting Kouyou home was a double-edge sword after all.
He ended up chastising himself for getting distracted at work and proceeded to the operating theatre, where he was supposed to assist Kazuki during the next C-section surgery. Actually, it’s the scrub nurses whom he was going to assist today since he had been demoted from his previous post; meaning he wouldn’t be able to actually do much during the intraoperative period. Wiping the sweat off Kazuki’s forehead didn’t count.
Yuu tried not to let his bitterness consume him. It wasn’t like he felt humiliated about having to work under his former subordinates now; no, his sadness probably stemmed from the fact that he was now forbidden from carrying out his role, which was the only thing that made him feel alive with a purpose he had chosen for himself and feel appreciated for it; not just born into this world to entertain the whims of his brother only to be discarded like garbage afterwards.
Yuu nearly slapped himself for thinking like this.
His little brother had been the most important person in the world to him in the distant past, how could he even allow such selfish thoughts to corrupt his mind?
But again, now wasn’t the time to ponder over things from the past. He had a surgery to concentrate on.
As he had expected, with him now being in a lower position, his responsibilities had also reduced. Instead of actually being involved in the operation, he was instructed to carry out the post-anaesthesia care; to which several nurses would giggle among themselves, sneaking dirty glances at him - rumours indeed spread like wildfire in this establishment.
It had officially begun.
“Please accept my condolences, chief.”
If there was one person whom Shiroyama would rather not run into at the hospital, it would probably be Saga. Growing rather mild and non-confrontational in his later years, Yuu started to have a bit of difficulty handling certain people, particularly those who kept trying to find fault with him. Unfortunately, Saga happened to be one of those individuals, who were most likely blinded by jealousy for them to be so passive aggressive towards him. Therefore, for the other man to express his sympathy was meant to be a jab - if anything, Saga was doing mental backflips as he rejoiced about Yuu’s career downfall.
“But don’t you worry because we’ll take good care of you from now onwards.” He smirked at Yuu, who forced out a smile in response, having better things to do than constantly bicker with his ill-wisher. Shiroyama was about to go check on the newborn when Saga’s gloved hand stopped him. Thankfully, he was still wearing his scrubs otherwise his pristine uniform would’ve been smeared with the patient’s blood. “Oops, sorry, but I need you to rinse and disinfect these instruments immediately before Hiroto puts them through the autoclave. You still remember where the sterilization room is, don’t you?”
A vein throbbed on Yuu’s forehead.
Who the hell is he to order me around? That was his first thought, which he quickly suppressed, remembering the situation he was in. That’s right. He was Saga’s subordinate now, so couldn’t really disobey the man, hence proceeded to the sterilization room, all the while clenching his teeth.
Outside, another nurse was helping Kazuki remove his gown.
“Senpai!” The younger man called out for Yuu upon seeing him push the trolley with dirty instruments out of the theatre. Kazuki then quickly discarded the rest of his PPE into the bin and trailed after the elder, who slowed down slightly for the other to catch up with him. “Senpai, I didn’t really hear about the rumours until Saga mentioned it today after the surgery. I’m sor-”
“All good,” Yuu cut him off with a smile. He seriously didn’t need anyone’s pity.
“Still, I’m really mad that they did this to you!” The resident, however, was furious. “I mean, fair enough, they were breaking the law slightly but maybe you could have attended the workshops without people knowing while still retaining your post.”
“Well, apparently, that’s not enough.” The other shrugged nonchalantly. There was no point in wallowing in bitterness now since it had already been done. The board had already made their decision. He would just waste his time crying over it.
Shiroyama would just endure as how he always did because there was no other way of doing this.
“Maybe I should start a petition or something,” Kazuki quipped, only causing the elder to shoot a ‘don’t you dare’ glare at him. “Okay-okay, I won’t. But if someone bullies you, you’ve got to tell me about it, okay?” The resident looked dead serious, and suddenly all traces of light-heartedness were gone. “Because I’m always here for you, senpai.”
“I’m always here for you.”
God, why did they have to be so similar?