Comments | dementedelement: My name, should you know it, remains unspeakable, and is spoken

dementedelement

My name, should you know it, remains unspeakable, and is spoken - malediction

Jan 03, 2012 21:23

I looked through my pen-and-ink journal today, and read the entry from right after my meltdown. It's seventeen pages long. All I could think of, flipping through it, was 'holy hell, I wrote this?' It's beautiful and painful, and there are phrases in there that I can't believe came from my head. That I can't believe are a first draft, as rough as ( Read more... )

feelings, writing

Comments 4

tine_marie January 4 2012, 03:13:40 UTC

You really have never re-read any of your personal journals before? I do it, albeit rarely, and it always astounds me to hear the changes in my voice as I go along. It amazes me to see what upset me back then and what things brought me joy. The people I hated and how those opinions have changed or how those people have become so insignificant to me now that I've almost forgotten them completely. It's an interesting practice to see our growth and progress in life.

You've mentioned your meltdown occasionally in your journal but haven't gone into any details - that with your New Years post, I just want to know that I wish you all the best and find the happiness that you deserve. I may be a practical stranger over the internet but I want you to know that I'm rooting for you. :)

dementedelement January 12 2012, 01:16:23 UTC

Well, to be fair, most of my serious journaling was done back in high school, and I honestly don't care very much about what I had to say back then, because a lot of what I did was fairly, ah, pathetic. Staying up all night weeping over undeserved, unrequited love and whatnot. I still have the books, but I don't really want to look at them. I was not a very impressive teenager, and I'm under the impression that most of high school shouldn't count, simply because I was completely insane while it was going on ( ... )

celelorien January 5 2012, 14:30:26 UTC

Funny how that works, isn't it? You never really "hear" your own voice until you go reread what you wrote, and half the time you can barely believe you wrote it. I always find it weird to go back and read what I've written though, especially if it was from a goodly chunk of time ago. I'm always like, "Was that really ME back then? Waaat?" Seventeen pages though, wow. That's pretty amazing, yo. Hope you're feeling much better though. Hugs everywhere! :3

dementedelement January 12 2012, 01:22:51 UTC

It is exactly like that. I remember doing the writing, and what it's all about, but when I read it I'm like 'WHOSE WORDS ARE THESE? HOW DID THEY KNOW WHAT WAS IN MY HEAD?'

The number of pages is due to the fact that it was words about feelings and thoughts about feelings about feelings. I'm not sure it's possible to express those succinctly. Also, the journal is wide-ruled, and I was writing very quickly and in cursive, so my handwriting is huge, but it is still a lot of words, yes.

And thanks! I'm doing pretty well (at least as well as I was before, if not better), and I guess calling it a meltdown sounds pretty negative, but it wasn't/isn't painful in a bad way, necessarily, if that makes sense. It's more like it's painful because it hits close to the bone, you know? But it's not bad, really, just very intense.