God dammit.
Can't I just die of an aneurism already?
I have one of those feelings that I get in my head where I have a bad realization, then another, then another, and they all slowly build up to a feeling of terrible dread over my life. It slowly evolves into a sense of futility, moving on into a overwhelming hatred of my own existence, and a wonder of when I'm going to be able to either live or stop living. I never realize my problems one-at-a-time, probably because whatever higher entity that controls me knows that such a convenient train of thought would end up in me being focused enough to actually solve a problem, rather than sit befuddled in a pile of bullshit I've gotten myself into.
When it rains, it pours, I suppose.
I want to stop feeling like I'm batshit insane, stop wanting so badly to not live and instead just either live in a coma or some sort of dream, and instead possibly get out, get a job, do something other than feel paralyzed by my own fear of everything in my life. I've been trained by my parents and those around me to fear doing everything, and to also fear doing nothing, which leaves me in a state of mental paralysis. I can't move from fear of being still. A constant, unending paradox of stasis, created by the fact that I can't start anything, and carry on with it, because I simply wish to begin in the middle. I can't seek a job because I don't think I'm good at looking for jobs, plain and simple. My jobs thus far have been lucky breaks that have occurred by either knowing someone, or being in the right place at the right time, or a combination of the two. My first job was due to my parents being "church friends" with the manager, my second was because my friend and parents pressured me into a job where my friend's cousin was the temp employer, third from having been a regular at the establishment, and coming in just a day or two after a friend of mine had been fired, fourth from frequenting somewhere else that was just down the hallway from the previous.
Everything good in my life has never been of my own doing, I'm not capable of doing good, instead my life has been a series of lucky breaks. The only good things that happen to me, just happen. I'm unconsciously sitting in my room, waiting for something else to come along. I've gotten myself into a committed relationship with someone that I love dearly, and obsess about endlessly, and as a result, I've gotten myself into a state where that person is the only one I make anywhere near a solid effort to do anything with. I don't even hardly answer the phone anymore for any of my other friends, because I know they'll want to go out, and do things, and such outings would be so emotionally stressful, just because I'm afraid someone's going to get angry at me for leaving the house, or using up gas, or simply doing anything. Again, fearful paralysis.
I want to get an apartment, a job, perhaps go to college for something, but I can't, because nothing is good enough for me. I should go to community college until i can get an associate's degree or transfer to a more useful school, but instead I shun the community college and wish I could go to a real college. I wish for something I probably can't attain, instead of actually accomplishing anything. I say all this as if I'm making fun of myself, but it's simply fact, I cannot change my mindset, even though I know it should be far different. I've gone insane, and I am completely sane in watching myself become a lunatic.
People have told me all my life that I had a gifted mind, and all my life I've always written it off as everyone else around me simply being comparatively stupid. I know that's a very cynical way of looking at it, but when I see people who know more than me elsewhere, I can only sit and think that I was simply borne into a culture or region that, simply put, is completely retarded. Cynically speaking, the entire world has been complete idiots for quite some time now, in one way or another. I can't begin to fathom why people do what they do, or why even I do what I do. I want to do a lot of things, know a lot of things, to fulfill my dreams is to become God Himself, perhaps.
But omniscience aside, I want only to be happy, and to make those I care about be happy. And unfortunately, in this day and age, it takes someone knowing they're the only person being made happy in a situation to make them feel happy. It takes everyone else sacrificing themselves for the cause of others' pleasure. It takes someone feeling better than someone else, for that someone to even begin to feel good. Some people beat others at video games to feel good, some people steal to feel good, some people rape, some people destroy themselves for what they believe is a greater good. Everyone's wants and needs are always destructive, whether to themselves or to others.
Perhaps my own life is a testament to that? To be happy, I perhaps just need to become a fucking vegetable? I need to shun everyone in my life and move on?
I want to try to find an alternative, I want to keep myself from being everyone else.
But in method, I have a long way to go.
I have one of those feelings that I get in my head where I have a bad realization, then another, then another, and they all slowly build up to a feeling of terrible dread over my life. It slowly evolves into a sense of futility, moving on into a overwhelming hatred of my own existence, and a wonder of when I'm going to be able to either live or stop living. I never realize my problems one-at-a-time, probably because whatever higher entity that controls me knows that such a convenient train of thought would end up in me being focused enough to actually solve a problem, rather than sit befuddled in a pile of bullshit I've gotten myself into.
When it rains, it pours, I suppose.
I want to stop feeling like I'm batshit insane, stop wanting so badly to not live and instead just either live in a coma or some sort of dream, and instead possibly get out, get a job, do something other than feel paralyzed by my own fear of everything in my life. I've been trained by my parents and those around me to fear doing everything, and to also fear doing nothing, which leaves me in a state of mental paralysis. I can't move from fear of being still. A constant, unending paradox of stasis, created by the fact that I can't start anything, and carry on with it, because I simply wish to begin in the middle. I can't seek a job because I don't think I'm good at looking for jobs, plain and simple. My jobs thus far have been lucky breaks that have occurred by either knowing someone, or being in the right place at the right time, or a combination of the two. My first job was due to my parents being "church friends" with the manager, my second was because my friend and parents pressured me into a job where my friend's cousin was the temp employer, third from having been a regular at the establishment, and coming in just a day or two after a friend of mine had been fired, fourth from frequenting somewhere else that was just down the hallway from the previous.
Everything good in my life has never been of my own doing, I'm not capable of doing good, instead my life has been a series of lucky breaks. The only good things that happen to me, just happen. I'm unconsciously sitting in my room, waiting for something else to come along. I've gotten myself into a committed relationship with someone that I love dearly, and obsess about endlessly, and as a result, I've gotten myself into a state where that person is the only one I make anywhere near a solid effort to do anything with. I don't even hardly answer the phone anymore for any of my other friends, because I know they'll want to go out, and do things, and such outings would be so emotionally stressful, just because I'm afraid someone's going to get angry at me for leaving the house, or using up gas, or simply doing anything. Again, fearful paralysis.
I want to get an apartment, a job, perhaps go to college for something, but I can't, because nothing is good enough for me. I should go to community college until i can get an associate's degree or transfer to a more useful school, but instead I shun the community college and wish I could go to a real college. I wish for something I probably can't attain, instead of actually accomplishing anything. I say all this as if I'm making fun of myself, but it's simply fact, I cannot change my mindset, even though I know it should be far different. I've gone insane, and I am completely sane in watching myself become a lunatic.
People have told me all my life that I had a gifted mind, and all my life I've always written it off as everyone else around me simply being comparatively stupid. I know that's a very cynical way of looking at it, but when I see people who know more than me elsewhere, I can only sit and think that I was simply borne into a culture or region that, simply put, is completely retarded. Cynically speaking, the entire world has been complete idiots for quite some time now, in one way or another. I can't begin to fathom why people do what they do, or why even I do what I do. I want to do a lot of things, know a lot of things, to fulfill my dreams is to become God Himself, perhaps.
But omniscience aside, I want only to be happy, and to make those I care about be happy. And unfortunately, in this day and age, it takes someone knowing they're the only person being made happy in a situation to make them feel happy. It takes everyone else sacrificing themselves for the cause of others' pleasure. It takes someone feeling better than someone else, for that someone to even begin to feel good. Some people beat others at video games to feel good, some people steal to feel good, some people rape, some people destroy themselves for what they believe is a greater good. Everyone's wants and needs are always destructive, whether to themselves or to others.
Perhaps my own life is a testament to that? To be happy, I perhaps just need to become a fucking vegetable? I need to shun everyone in my life and move on?
I want to try to find an alternative, I want to keep myself from being everyone else.
But in method, I have a long way to go.