Always loving you
Chapter 01
Name: Always loving you.
Author: Jo
Pairing: Matt/Zacky Matt/Syn
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Matt Shadows is in shock when the boy he used to love from an old school, Zacky Vengeance transfers to his new school. Will Zacky return the old flame, and what will Matt’s secret admirer, Synyster Gates think of the new arrival?
Warning: Boy Love? Obviously.
Dedication: To Vanessa, Emma, Chloe, Becky, Bree and Adam. =)
“Have you ever been in love, Matt?” My friend asked me as I raised an eyebrow at him.
“What the fuck type of question is that?” I asked confused. I mean, we were dudes after all, it isn’t exactly something to ask each other. Even if we were still seventeen, at school and gay. Well, me at least.
“It is, isn’t it?” Jimmy smiled. “I know when we get together we talk about, like, music and booze and stuff but I am just wondering…”
“Are you sober?” I asked him. I was confused. Jimmy never asked things like this. More things like where the next beer was coming from or something. It was strange.
“Fuck Matt…” Jimmy said impatiently, widening his eyes at me.
“Well, in answer to your question, yes.” I grinned, thinking about the person. “And it wasn’t a crush, it was love. It was the best thing ever.”
“Did you go out?” He asked, interested.
“No.” I muttered, quietly, “I was… it… was…”
“Start from the beginning.” Jimmy said. I glared at him.
“Fuck off,” I cried, throwing whatever I could find at him, which at the time was just an empty water bottle. He growled at me as he ran out of the gunfire.
Biting my lip I thought about the answer. There was no way I could tell him the truth. The person. The only person I had loved in my whole life. But that person just happened to be a boy.
I moved to this school a few weeks ago. And since I had been there girls had been coming on to me which I guess I didn’t mind all that much. Yes I’ve liked boys before. And girls just annoy me to be honest. True I had only liked one boy my whole life. But this one boy I don’t think I could ever forget.
I moved to the school when I was younger. I was fourteen. I made friends with him right away and that was all we were: friends. A year later I was still friends with him. We had become close and I began having feelings for him I didn’t like. And the fact that he, Zacky Baker to be exact, had come out as gay didn’t really help matters.
But this point we had gotten to the “friend stage” I didn’t know if Zacky liked me that way or not. He was gay, of course, but just because a guy was gay didn’t necessarily mean he would love his best friend. Of course I wished he did. Then when, later on, our relationship kind of changed when we moved up a grade and all the classes were changed around. Even though we were in less classes, we still had English together, to which we sat next to each other.
Life was sweet. If anyone was watching us during that class they would have thought that we were dating, who knew if he had wanted it or not. A lot of people liked him at my school, including some of my friends. Both boys and girls. He obviously blanked the girls. He had admirers, it was true, but for some reason he seemed oblivious of the fact that he was so wanted. He never went out with any of these boys and never made it clear that he knew they liked him. People had said he liked me, of course I wanted to believe it, I liked him that much. But no one at that point knew I liked boys, not even him. I guess he suspected, I mean, the way I just used to stare at him was enough to prove that I liked him.
English lessons were the best ever. When Jimmy was chatting away about some girl he “Loved” I sat back and started remembered them days.
One day in English, Zacky was feeling particularly down because Jacoby Shaddix, who he hated, made fun of him, in what ever lesson Zacky had had before English.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him, kindly. He sat to the left of me. He had wanted to sit there by choice, on the first English lesson of the year.
“Jacoby,” He said, quietly. I remember so clearly Zacky’s face. He was so upset, yet mad. You could see the flicker of the thoughts of revenge in his eyes. Many English lessons, I remember, Zacky used to enter with thoughts of revenge of what ever Jacoby had done to him. Jacoby seriously hated Zacky, and Zacky seriously hated Jacoby. They never got along. Jacoby was always teasing Zacky, and Zacky always had thoughts of revenge, but never took any action against Jacoby. I used to think it was cute. Zacky always never could hold his annoyance during that lesson. I had always thought of ways to cheer him up.
“You know Zacky, if you just say the words I could punch that guy into oblivion…” I muttered to him as he flicked back his dark fringe and looked at me.
“I wouldn’t want to out you through the trouble,” He had replied.
“No trouble at all,” I whispered, cracking my fists. I was a tough guy, I guess. Even then when I was younger. I could easily beat up Jacoby if I really wanted to. I placed my hand on his shoulder and looked into his bright emerald eyes. He smiled at me.
“Matt you are so amazing,” Was all Zacky had replied, scanning my face, and lingering his eyes on my lips. Of course we couldn’t kiss right here in the English classroom, full up with other kids our age, who didn’t even know my sexual preferences and definitely wouldn’t appreciate it if two guys started kissing in front of them.
“You are more amazing,” I had whispered back. “Don’t let Jacoby get to you okay, if I ever see you this upset over him anymore I’m gonna knock his fucking brains out, okay?”
Zacky grinned and looked across to me.
“I’m not upset anymore,” He replied, smiling at me and taking my hand. I swear to God all reason to live seeped from my hand to his that day. And I will never forget it.
I was in love. It wasn’t a simple school crush. Was it love when you thought about him all the time, loved every single piece of him, looked forward to each lesson that you spent with him? Occasionally rehearsed some of the conversations you were going to have with him, did things on purpose such as draw a small line of pen on your neck, so it looked like your friend had drew on, and he had to touch you, to wipe it off? And is it love that, even though you haven’t seen him in over two years you still think about him?
I was in love. Everything was so… nice. ‘Nice’ is probably the most lamest descriptive word, and I recall when I was younger English teachers telling people off for writing “nice” in stories, along with “said.”
“Be more imaginative,” they had encouraged, “think of better words. Instead of ’nice’ say ‘pleasant’, ‘kind’, ‘good’, etc.”
I had always tried not to use the word ’nice’ all through my academic life. But right now I can not think of a better word to use. Life was nice. It was nice.
And then… I left.
I didn’t tell him I was leaving. I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. It was just too damn hard to say goodbye.
I was leaving school.
I was leaving the city.
And I didn’t even say goodbye to them. Or him.
***
Two years later, and I am settled down at another school. At that point I had had no romantic ties, no one at this school knew I was bi and I wasn’t about to come out any time soon. The first day was alright, except on my introduction. I closed my eyes recalling the ordeal.
“Class, this is the new student, Matt Sanders.” The teacher announced. A plump brown haired woman who looked at me kindly on my first day, but then noticed my n few piercings and the outfit I was wearing and looked down her nose as I walked passed.
“Hey,” Murmured the class, looking at me. A few girls looked very interested in me, but I wasn’t interested in them. I just ignored them, looking towards the boys for any attractive ones.
“Call me Matt Shadows please,” I had asked the class considering it was the only thing people called me in my old school. No one had called my by my real last name since Kindergarten.
“Shadows?” The teacher replied while the class chuckled. “Your name is Sanders and that is what you will be called at this school. Now take a seat Matthew…”
Matthew. That was also a name I hated. At my old school they had just called me Matt or Shadows, Shads or M Shadows, whatever. I had a feeling right then I wouldn’t like the school. But it picked up, I guess. I made friends with a guy called Jimmy who was just what I needed to get by school life. He really didn’t give a shit about anything, which is the type of friend I liked and needed. He was hot, in a tall, skinny way but I wasn’t attracted to him.
Of course I hadn’t forgotten about Zacky. I think it may have to of been decades before I forgot him, possibly never. I may remember him for the rest of my life. It was weird, of course I had friends at my old school, but I miss Zacky more than them. And they were my best friends. Zacky was only a guy who I had known for a few years that I had one lesson with, who I liked. A lot.
English was nothing compared to what it used to be, however I sat next to Brian. He was like me, I suppose. The had pretty much the same body, the same tastes. He hated his name and wanted to be called Synyster or Syn. No one called him it, doing the same to him what they did to me with Shadows. We understood why we wanted to be called them names. They were our ultra-egos. And so we called each other the names we wanted.
He was a nice guy. Nothing compared to Zacky, but still. We had a lot in common and could chat for hours about rock music and things. I was sure he didn’t like me in a romantic way. I liked him quite a bit, he was the only guy I found hot at that school, with his sweeping dark hair, beautifully chiselled cheekbones, the way he was one of the few in school who would actually wear eyeliner and not be afraid to at this school and the way he would smile at you, causing you just to melt. But it was not love, never love.
“So what do you think of Hatescene’s new album?” Syn asked me one lesson.
“I love it. But,” I told him, “I prefer their older stuff, it maybe more messy, but I like the pure rawness of it, the latest one is more.. Manufactured and perfect, really. But don’t get me wrong, I think it is awesome.”
“I have to agree with you there,” Syn said, touching his long black hair with his fingers and finishing the last paragraph of work. Syn then went on to mention all the guitar riffs and solos on that album, which one he liked and which one he wanted to try to do himself. I smiled at him, loving the way he got to passionate about guitars. Just as we were talking, a model faced, preppy girl came sauntering towards us.
“Oh, hi Matt!” She said, in a fake sweet voice. I looked at her with a bored face while Syn looked on. God her face is plastic, I thought when looking at it. It was though. Orange, with absolutely no spots, dents or anything to make her look human. I wondered while she was looking at me what would happen if I stretched out my hand and touched her face. Apart from her looking at me as if I was mad, and probably lowing my popularity a few points, I wonder if it would be hard. Looking at her skin, there is no way that that skin is soft. No way. It is made out of plastic. I swear. That’s the only way to explain it. She must have thought I liked her or something. I had no idea why. I was, and hung out with all the people they despised. The “Goth” kids or whatever. Metalheads, rockers, whatever you want to call them.
“Tasha,” Jess said to her plastic friend, well, I couldn’t call Tasha plastic when looking at Jess. She was just as bad. “What are you doing with these Goth freaks?”
I looked confused at her as she flounced away, she grinned at me as I did. I looked repulsed as I turned to look at Syn. I sighed. This is why I hate most girls.
“I really don’t get it…” I said, turning to look at Syn. “What the fuck was that about? If we are the “Goth freaks” Why does she come over in the first place, smiling at me like that?”
“It’s because they think you’re hot.” Syn said simply. “I overheard them talking about you. Apparently you look like the normal, hot jock gone bad or something. They want to make you like them. Apparently if you would stop with this “rock shit” then you would be like a perfect boyfriend.” He shrugged looking at me.
“Oh god,” I moaned. “I really should just tell them the truth. I don’t fucking like girls!” I groaned and then turned to look at Syn who looked shocked.
“What?” He whispered.
“At this school.” I added quickly, not ready to come out now not even to Syn. “I don’t like the girls at this school they all… yeah.”
“Oh okay,” Syn replied, smiling weakly and tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. Why did he sound somewhat disappointed? I looked at him for a while as he turned away. He was a nice guy. I really nice guy. The nicest in our year, to be honest. He never had girlfriends which led me to think he might like boys. But I didn’t dwell on it though, the lesson ended and I packed up my bags ready to leave.
Chapter two
Name: Always loving you.
Author: Jo
Pairing: Matt/Zacky Matt/Syn
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Matt Shadows is in shock when the boy he used to love from an old school, Zacky Vengeance transfers to his new school. Will Zacky return the old flame, and what will Matt’s secret admirer, Synyster Gates think of the new arrival?
Warning: Boy Love? Obviously.
Dedication: To Vanessa, Emma, Chloe, Becky, Bree and Adam. =)
“Have you ever been in love, Matt?” My friend asked me as I raised an eyebrow at him.
“What the fuck type of question is that?” I asked confused. I mean, we were dudes after all, it isn’t exactly something to ask each other. Even if we were still seventeen, at school and gay. Well, me at least.
“It is, isn’t it?” Jimmy smiled. “I know when we get together we talk about, like, music and booze and stuff but I am just wondering…”
“Are you sober?” I asked him. I was confused. Jimmy never asked things like this. More things like where the next beer was coming from or something. It was strange.
“Fuck Matt…” Jimmy said impatiently, widening his eyes at me.
“Well, in answer to your question, yes.” I grinned, thinking about the person. “And it wasn’t a crush, it was love. It was the best thing ever.”
“Did you go out?” He asked, interested.
“No.” I muttered, quietly, “I was… it… was…”
“Start from the beginning.” Jimmy said. I glared at him.
“Fuck off,” I cried, throwing whatever I could find at him, which at the time was just an empty water bottle. He growled at me as he ran out of the gunfire.
Biting my lip I thought about the answer. There was no way I could tell him the truth. The person. The only person I had loved in my whole life. But that person just happened to be a boy.
I moved to this school a few weeks ago. And since I had been there girls had been coming on to me which I guess I didn’t mind all that much. Yes I’ve liked boys before. And girls just annoy me to be honest. True I had only liked one boy my whole life. But this one boy I don’t think I could ever forget.
I moved to the school when I was younger. I was fourteen. I made friends with him right away and that was all we were: friends. A year later I was still friends with him. We had become close and I began having feelings for him I didn’t like. And the fact that he, Zacky Baker to be exact, had come out as gay didn’t really help matters.
But this point we had gotten to the “friend stage” I didn’t know if Zacky liked me that way or not. He was gay, of course, but just because a guy was gay didn’t necessarily mean he would love his best friend. Of course I wished he did. Then when, later on, our relationship kind of changed when we moved up a grade and all the classes were changed around. Even though we were in less classes, we still had English together, to which we sat next to each other.
Life was sweet. If anyone was watching us during that class they would have thought that we were dating, who knew if he had wanted it or not. A lot of people liked him at my school, including some of my friends. Both boys and girls. He obviously blanked the girls. He had admirers, it was true, but for some reason he seemed oblivious of the fact that he was so wanted. He never went out with any of these boys and never made it clear that he knew they liked him. People had said he liked me, of course I wanted to believe it, I liked him that much. But no one at that point knew I liked boys, not even him. I guess he suspected, I mean, the way I just used to stare at him was enough to prove that I liked him.
English lessons were the best ever. When Jimmy was chatting away about some girl he “Loved” I sat back and started remembered them days.
One day in English, Zacky was feeling particularly down because Jacoby Shaddix, who he hated, made fun of him, in what ever lesson Zacky had had before English.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him, kindly. He sat to the left of me. He had wanted to sit there by choice, on the first English lesson of the year.
“Jacoby,” He said, quietly. I remember so clearly Zacky’s face. He was so upset, yet mad. You could see the flicker of the thoughts of revenge in his eyes. Many English lessons, I remember, Zacky used to enter with thoughts of revenge of what ever Jacoby had done to him. Jacoby seriously hated Zacky, and Zacky seriously hated Jacoby. They never got along. Jacoby was always teasing Zacky, and Zacky always had thoughts of revenge, but never took any action against Jacoby. I used to think it was cute. Zacky always never could hold his annoyance during that lesson. I had always thought of ways to cheer him up.
“You know Zacky, if you just say the words I could punch that guy into oblivion…” I muttered to him as he flicked back his dark fringe and looked at me.
“I wouldn’t want to out you through the trouble,” He had replied.
“No trouble at all,” I whispered, cracking my fists. I was a tough guy, I guess. Even then when I was younger. I could easily beat up Jacoby if I really wanted to. I placed my hand on his shoulder and looked into his bright emerald eyes. He smiled at me.
“Matt you are so amazing,” Was all Zacky had replied, scanning my face, and lingering his eyes on my lips. Of course we couldn’t kiss right here in the English classroom, full up with other kids our age, who didn’t even know my sexual preferences and definitely wouldn’t appreciate it if two guys started kissing in front of them.
“You are more amazing,” I had whispered back. “Don’t let Jacoby get to you okay, if I ever see you this upset over him anymore I’m gonna knock his fucking brains out, okay?”
Zacky grinned and looked across to me.
“I’m not upset anymore,” He replied, smiling at me and taking my hand. I swear to God all reason to live seeped from my hand to his that day. And I will never forget it.
I was in love. It wasn’t a simple school crush. Was it love when you thought about him all the time, loved every single piece of him, looked forward to each lesson that you spent with him? Occasionally rehearsed some of the conversations you were going to have with him, did things on purpose such as draw a small line of pen on your neck, so it looked like your friend had drew on, and he had to touch you, to wipe it off? And is it love that, even though you haven’t seen him in over two years you still think about him?
I was in love. Everything was so… nice. ‘Nice’ is probably the most lamest descriptive word, and I recall when I was younger English teachers telling people off for writing “nice” in stories, along with “said.”
“Be more imaginative,” they had encouraged, “think of better words. Instead of ’nice’ say ‘pleasant’, ‘kind’, ‘good’, etc.”
I had always tried not to use the word ’nice’ all through my academic life. But right now I can not think of a better word to use. Life was nice. It was nice.
And then… I left.
I didn’t tell him I was leaving. I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving. It was just too damn hard to say goodbye.
I was leaving school.
I was leaving the city.
And I didn’t even say goodbye to them. Or him.
***
Two years later, and I am settled down at another school. At that point I had had no romantic ties, no one at this school knew I was bi and I wasn’t about to come out any time soon. The first day was alright, except on my introduction. I closed my eyes recalling the ordeal.
“Class, this is the new student, Matt Sanders.” The teacher announced. A plump brown haired woman who looked at me kindly on my first day, but then noticed my n few piercings and the outfit I was wearing and looked down her nose as I walked passed.
“Hey,” Murmured the class, looking at me. A few girls looked very interested in me, but I wasn’t interested in them. I just ignored them, looking towards the boys for any attractive ones.
“Call me Matt Shadows please,” I had asked the class considering it was the only thing people called me in my old school. No one had called my by my real last name since Kindergarten.
“Shadows?” The teacher replied while the class chuckled. “Your name is Sanders and that is what you will be called at this school. Now take a seat Matthew…”
Matthew. That was also a name I hated. At my old school they had just called me Matt or Shadows, Shads or M Shadows, whatever. I had a feeling right then I wouldn’t like the school. But it picked up, I guess. I made friends with a guy called Jimmy who was just what I needed to get by school life. He really didn’t give a shit about anything, which is the type of friend I liked and needed. He was hot, in a tall, skinny way but I wasn’t attracted to him.
Of course I hadn’t forgotten about Zacky. I think it may have to of been decades before I forgot him, possibly never. I may remember him for the rest of my life. It was weird, of course I had friends at my old school, but I miss Zacky more than them. And they were my best friends. Zacky was only a guy who I had known for a few years that I had one lesson with, who I liked. A lot.
English was nothing compared to what it used to be, however I sat next to Brian. He was like me, I suppose. The had pretty much the same body, the same tastes. He hated his name and wanted to be called Synyster or Syn. No one called him it, doing the same to him what they did to me with Shadows. We understood why we wanted to be called them names. They were our ultra-egos. And so we called each other the names we wanted.
He was a nice guy. Nothing compared to Zacky, but still. We had a lot in common and could chat for hours about rock music and things. I was sure he didn’t like me in a romantic way. I liked him quite a bit, he was the only guy I found hot at that school, with his sweeping dark hair, beautifully chiselled cheekbones, the way he was one of the few in school who would actually wear eyeliner and not be afraid to at this school and the way he would smile at you, causing you just to melt. But it was not love, never love.
“So what do you think of Hatescene’s new album?” Syn asked me one lesson.
“I love it. But,” I told him, “I prefer their older stuff, it maybe more messy, but I like the pure rawness of it, the latest one is more.. Manufactured and perfect, really. But don’t get me wrong, I think it is awesome.”
“I have to agree with you there,” Syn said, touching his long black hair with his fingers and finishing the last paragraph of work. Syn then went on to mention all the guitar riffs and solos on that album, which one he liked and which one he wanted to try to do himself. I smiled at him, loving the way he got to passionate about guitars. Just as we were talking, a model faced, preppy girl came sauntering towards us.
“Oh, hi Matt!” She said, in a fake sweet voice. I looked at her with a bored face while Syn looked on. God her face is plastic, I thought when looking at it. It was though. Orange, with absolutely no spots, dents or anything to make her look human. I wondered while she was looking at me what would happen if I stretched out my hand and touched her face. Apart from her looking at me as if I was mad, and probably lowing my popularity a few points, I wonder if it would be hard. Looking at her skin, there is no way that that skin is soft. No way. It is made out of plastic. I swear. That’s the only way to explain it. She must have thought I liked her or something. I had no idea why. I was, and hung out with all the people they despised. The “Goth” kids or whatever. Metalheads, rockers, whatever you want to call them.
“Tasha,” Jess said to her plastic friend, well, I couldn’t call Tasha plastic when looking at Jess. She was just as bad. “What are you doing with these Goth freaks?”
I looked confused at her as she flounced away, she grinned at me as I did. I looked repulsed as I turned to look at Syn. I sighed. This is why I hate most girls.
“I really don’t get it…” I said, turning to look at Syn. “What the fuck was that about? If we are the “Goth freaks” Why does she come over in the first place, smiling at me like that?”
“It’s because they think you’re hot.” Syn said simply. “I overheard them talking about you. Apparently you look like the normal, hot jock gone bad or something. They want to make you like them. Apparently if you would stop with this “rock shit” then you would be like a perfect boyfriend.” He shrugged looking at me.
“Oh god,” I moaned. “I really should just tell them the truth. I don’t fucking like girls!” I groaned and then turned to look at Syn who looked shocked.
“What?” He whispered.
“At this school.” I added quickly, not ready to come out now not even to Syn. “I don’t like the girls at this school they all… yeah.”
“Oh okay,” Syn replied, smiling weakly and tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. Why did he sound somewhat disappointed? I looked at him for a while as he turned away. He was a nice guy. I really nice guy. The nicest in our year, to be honest. He never had girlfriends which led me to think he might like boys. But I didn’t dwell on it though, the lesson ended and I packed up my bags ready to leave.
Chapter two