(Oneshot) It's Too Late
Title: It's Too Late
Author: demon_kyo (Alicia)
Pairing(s): Tom/Georg, Bill/Gustav
Rating: NC17, for language and mild sexuality
Disclaimer: This never happened and... Please God, don't let this ever happen.
Warnings: Extreme angst and Major Character Death.
Summary: Tom realizes he loves Georg, but it's too little, way too late.
Note: This took me about a week to write/edit... and I was crying when I finished. I'm sorry if it makes you cry, too, but I thought I'd share it. And I realize Bill/Gustav is unusual but I love it :)
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He hates the salty sting of the tears flowing down his cheeks. “P-please,” he begs for the hundredth time, touching the cold, unresponsive face of his best friend for the thousandth. It’d never been this bad before - like a dream. Yes, a dream. He’d be waking up any second and everything would be okay… wouldn’t it?
“Please,” he whispers again. “I love you. I can say it n-now, see? I do. I love you, I love you, I always have… I-I’m so s-sorry…” He sobs and presses his lips to his lover’s eyes. He knows it is the last time he will ever touch his skin and so he takes his time, burning the tender feeling into his lips, his mind. He’s saying goodbye. He doesn’t want to.
Then Bill is suddenly beside him, taking his hands gently and pulling him away - away from the flowers, away from the pictures and the cards… away from the casket and the only thing that ever mattered to him…
It’s too late.
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It’s been over for hours. Bill is still cradling his brother’s head in his lap as Tom cries himself to sleep, curled up in a ball on their bedroom floor. His breathing evens out as the sobs finally stop and Bill sighs in relief; he’s exhausted, mentally and physically, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could keep his own eyes open. He’s angry and he’s hurt and he wants to scream until he loses his voice again… but he won’t, he can’t. He has to be strong for his brother.
He pulls the crumpled paper from Tom's fist once again and stares at it blankly.
Why?
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***
Gustav had noticed the change first. It wasn’t surprising, really - Gustav had learned at an early age that you can hear better with your mouth shut, and it’s easier to observe other people when they didn’t expect you to include yourself in their conversations.
Something like that.
Bill had argued with him, of course. “What are you talking about? Tom’s always like that!” but Gus knew then it was different somehow. The incessant flirting, the soft touches, the closeness between the two… he knew the line had been crossed even if Bill refused to see it.
“I don’t know..,” Bill had finally sniffled over his hot chocolate. The pair had snuggled into the huge pillows on Gustav’s bed, watching the first snowfall of the year through the big bay windows. “Tom always says Georg is too much of a princess.”
“Maybe he changed his mind.”
Gustav grinned as Bill set his mug on the bedside table and gave him an exasperated look. “We finally have time alone and you want to talk about my brother’s sex life?”
“I think maybe we’ve been a terrible influence on those two,” Gustav breathed hotly into Bill’s lips as they kissed, passionately pulling at each other’s clothing.
The discussion was over for now.
***
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Tom is crying fitfully in his sleep, soaking Bill’s shirt until it’s sticking, hot and wet, to his stomach. “Tomi..,” he whispers, patting gently at the braids on his brother’s head. He misses Tom’s loose dreads; these new cornrows are too close, too tight, too impersonal. He wants to be able to run his fingers through Tom’s hair again, to comfort him as he had since they were children.
Tom shifts and blinks himself awake at Bill’s touch. His eyes are red, his face is puffy, and Bill’s heart is shredded to pieces as soon as he looks in his brother’s pleading eyes.
“Bill..,” he whispers as he lifts his head out of his brother’s lap. He’s sitting now, pulling at his cheeks, grinding his palms into his sore eyelids. He’s been crying on the hard floor incessantly for three hours - his head feels heavy and his entire body hurts. “I don’t think I can do this without him. I don’t want to be a-alive anymore…”
Bill glances across the dark bedroom at the chair Gustav has occupied since three o’clock that afternoon. His lover looks up as if on cue and moves quietly to the opposite side of Tom. Gustav will know what to say…Bill assures himself silently. Please God, let him know what to do, because I sure as hell don’t…
But Gustav doesn’t say anything. He kneels down until he is eye level with Tom, and when the guitarist looks up with far-away, deadened eyes, Gus slaps him across the face.
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***
“Why can’t you just say it already?” Georg smiled, snaking his arm around Tom’s shoulders. The pair sat alone in the booth on the darkened tour bus, watching the quiet countryside drift away from the window. The full moon sparkled through the open curtains and shone in Tom’s eyes as he leaned in to Georg’s embrace.
“Say what, Hagen?” Tom teased, returning Georg’s huge Cheshire cat grin. He pulled his fingers through the boy’s perfect hair and pushed it behind his ear. “That you’re a complete fox and I’m hot for your body?”
Georg chuckled and pulled Tom into his chiseled chest, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “As much as I love hearing that, it’s old news. I want you to say it; you know what I mean.”
Tom tensed immediately. Of course he knew what it meant. They’d been over this a million times, and Tom’s answer was always the same. Why couldn’t Georg understand? He pulled himself from his boyfriend’s arms and tried to play off his discomfort with a soft punch to his abs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“It’s easy,” Georg knew this farce well. He turned until they were facing each other and took Tom’s face in his gentle hands, running his thumbs over his lips. Tom kissed Georg’s fingertips and placed his own hands over his. “Bill and Gustav say it all the time.”
“I know, it’s just..,” he trailed off, unable to complete his sentence. His thoughts were always so scattered… Georg made him flustered. He wanted to make him happy, he really did, but the little voice in his head kept screaming obscenities when he even thought of what people would say if they knew.
“Fine, I’ll say it first.” Georg sensed Tom’s thoughts and leaned in, resting his forehead against Tom’s cheek, wrapping his arms around his slim frame until they were breathing together. He kissed Tom’s neck and mumbled into his soft skin, sending fireworks behind his boyfriend’s closed eyes. “I love…”
***
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“You..,” Gustav snarls as he stares daggers into Tom’s expressionless face. He’s just struck his boyfriend’s twin brother, and the kid doesn’t even flinch! Gus wishes he’d start crying again; at least when Tom was crying he was showing some feeling. The vacant look on Tom’s face is starting to scare him… It’s the same look Georg had when… “You don’t ever say that again! Do you want to give Bill a fucking aneurysm?”
Tom stands up suddenly and sways a bit, reaching out for the wall with his eyes on the floor. “Bill will be fine. He’s got you…” He makes his way across the room, opens the window’s curtains and presses his hot face to the glass. The full moon is mocking him. “There’s n-nothing left for me. I have no one now.”
“Tomi! Don’t talk like that!!!” Bill nearly screams and pounds his fists into the floor before launching himself into his brother’s body, grabbing his hair and pressing their foreheads together until he’s spilling hot tears onto his twin’s passive face. “You will always have me! Don’t ever forget that I love you!”
Tom’s heart stops and he collapses into a sobbing heap on the floor, dragging his distraught brother down with him.
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***
Bill whispered softly into Gustav’s ear, reveling in the way his lover’s body responded to his warm breath. “You need to lose those pants now, Shafer.”
The boys had just finished their last autographs after a show in a smaller venue, and Bill’s body was electric, his pulse racing as he pulled Gustav down on top of him in the tiny bunk on the tour bus. Their lips crushed together and Bill yanked Gus’s jeans down to his knees before he could even get his shoes off. “Whoa, slow down..,” he whispered over Bill’s tongue ring, but Bill ignored him… his hand was already in his boxers and Gustav completely forgot what he was saying.
The tour bus shook as two raging guitarists stormed aboard. Gustav quickly yanked the curtains closed and blinked into Bill’s frightened eyes. What the hell was going on?
“Who was that slut?” Georg screamed, slamming his hand down on the counter top. “Who was she and why did you have your hand up her skirt?”
Tom pulled viciously at his hair and groaned. “She’s just a GIRL, damn it! Jost introduced me to her! She is just a nameless, faceless piece of ASS!”
“And yet you were practically fucking her right there in front of me!” Georg spat, stomping his way to the back of the bus near the hiding lovers.
Bill’s nails were digging painfully into Gustav’s back, but from the terrified look on his face, Gustav knew if he pulled his hands away Bill would jump in and take the brunt of Georg’s attack on his brother. “Let them work this out on their own,” he whispered in what he hoped was a reassuring way. Bill’s grip relaxed a bit.
“I would never… I didn’t… I thought you were with Bill and Gustav!” Tom said lamely. “I didn’t know you were there!”
“And that makes it okay?” Georg roared, making Bill’s body shake against Gustav’s chest from behind the curtain. “We’re apart for five minutes and you go off and fuck the first pussy that throws herself at you?”
“It’s not like that! I wasn’t going to have sex with her!” Tom cried, and the pair felt the jolts as Bill’s twin bounded down the hallway to catch Georg before he could disappear into the bathroom. “She’s nothing to me!”
“Then what am I to you?” Georg whispered fiercely, and Bill’s eyes filled with tears as he heard his brother choke on his tongue. Just say it, Tomi. Tell him.
The air was still, silent, as Tom floundered, drowning in the thoughts of every word he wanted to say to Georg, but they wouldn’t form a sentence, wouldn’t fall in place. There was nothing that could adequately describe what exactly Georg meant to Tom and so he just closed his eyes and sank onto his bunk and mumbled an incoherent apology.
Gustav brushed his fingers over Bill’s wet eyes and pressed their cheeks together. Georg’s voice came low, dangerous, through the curtains. “How many times have I said it, Tom? You… You know how I feel about you, I tell you every time I see you, and yet… You go and do this to me? You’re killing me…”
“I can’t take it back; I can only apologize! I’m sorry!” Tom’s reply was muffled by his hands covering his face. “What do you want me to do?”
“TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!” Georg exploded, and Gustav winced as Bill bit into his shoulder, stifling a tortured cry. “We’ve been fucking each other for months now and you still tell me you can’t say THREE WORDS to me? Just SAY it, God damn it!”
Tom’s bunk creaked as he stood up and turned away from the smoldering bassist. “You are so important to me, Georg, you have no idea. But I can’t tell you what you want to hear… I’m sorry. It’s just too...”
“It’s just too weird, right?” Georg snorted, forcing himself into nonchalance. “I’ve heard that too many times. You know what? You’re right. I give up.” He started gathering his belongings and stuffing them into his suitcase. “We’ll be at the hotel soon… I’ll make sure Jost gets us separate rooms.”
“Georg..,” Tom began, but he was cut off by a violent thud as a suitcase was slammed down on table.
“Listen to me,” Georg’s voice was sharp, deep, twisting Bill’s stomach like a knife. “I don’t care what you do. Go off and get a couple venereal diseases for all the fuck I could give. You could even go jump off a bridge. But don’t you ever speak to me again, do you hear me?”
He stormed off the bus as loudly as he had boarded, slamming the door. Tom growled and punched his fist through the thin wall before thundering down the hallway and jumping off the bus himself.
Gustav held Bill’s head to his chest as he wept for his brother.
***
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The skyline is shifting from black to a muddy purple, but Bill still hasn’t let go of his brother’s head. He can see Gustav dozing lightly in his chair from the corner of his eye, but his gaze hasn’t really left Tom’s face since they’d moved to lie on the bed. Are you going to be okay? he blinks silently at his brother, tracing his fingers over Tom’s cheekbones.
Tom closes his eyes. For the first time in his life, he doesn’t want the closeness he shares with his twin. He wants to be alone in his pain but Bill’s imploring eyes won’t let him. The soft caress of Bill’s touch on his face is lulling him into a sweet numbness, easing the knot in his chest, pulling him down into oblivion. His little brother knows how to take care of him. His little brother will be there when everything else is gone. His little brother is his life now, all that he has left in the world.
The knot in Bill’s chest is tightening as his twin’s slips away. He touches Tom’s eyelashes, his lip-ring, before settling a hand behind each of his ears. Tom opens his eyes sleepily and forgets to breathe as his brother’s velvet lips press carefully against his own.
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***
“WHO GAVE HIM THE PILLS?” Tom shrieked in Jost’s hotel room, throwing his chair against the wall.
“We don’t know yet, the police gathered the bottle in evidence,” the manager said quietly as he rubbed his hands over his face in shock. He turned slowly to Gustav and held his hands out as if begging for alms. “Did you see a name?”
“Fuck, I didn’t see a name! I wasn’t LOOKING FOR A NAME!” Gustav shouted, sobbing. Bill took the shaking drummer into his arms and gave David a death glare. The man sat down on his bed and shook his head in disbelief.
- - - -
Gustav had found him.
He’d knocked on the hotel room door for a solid minute, yelling about sound check and God knows what. He was surprised to find the door unlocked…
Georg was lying in his bed, still asleep after all the noise Gustav had made. “Damn, Listing… You gonna wake up and rehearse or not?” He crossed the room and reached up to yank the covers off his bassist, but…
Something was off.
In his hands, there was a note.
Alarms went off in Gustav’s head. Georg isn’t breathing! He’s not fucking breathing!
He grabbed Georg’s frozen body to his chest and screamed and screamed and screamed.
- - - -
The police had come, the ambulance had come, the priest had come, but Tom didn’t want to speak to any of them. They gave Tom the note Georg had left for him - what the fuck, man - before taking his body away on that fucking stretcher with the sheet over it.
Jost called them all into his hotel room for a ‘meeting’. Gustav wanted to slit David’s throat.
He kept asking him to repeat what exactly had happened. “Did you see a name?” Fuck you, asshole! Bill yelled in his head, forcing Gustav to leave his head pressed against Bill’s chest, as if to keep all the questions from bombarding him at once.
Tom broke two chairs and a table lamp before curling up in a ball in his brother’s lap. Gustav went to the bathroom to vomit again and Jost left to handle the rest of the nightmare himself.
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The funeral had been thankfully private - no paparazzi, no magazine sleazes, no news cameras. Tom sat between his brother and his mother, keeping his head down, his face buried in Bill’s jacket collar.
Why, why, why?
And then she’d come.
Georg’s mother.
She’d pushed her way through the crowd and stopped in front of Tom, her face red and her chest heaving. Bill instinctively moved to step in front of his brother, to shield him from this woman who looked about to strike his twin, but she was faster.
She touched arm instead, a single tear falling down her lovely face. “My son loved you so much, did you know that? He always talked about you when he called. I just… I don’t understand how he could do this… why my son? What happened, Tom?”
And Tom was on the floor again, and Bill was there, as he had always been there, pulling him away from the crowd.
***
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The sun rises, peeking through the window with Tom’s fingerprints on the pane.
Gustav’s eyes have been open for a while now; he’s been thinking of Georg, of Tom, of life in general. He lets his lazy gaze wander to the bed now, to the boys tangled together under the sheets, and rests upon the porcelain face of his lover.
He knew what would happen, so he’d made sure to pull Bill aside before the funeral. Bill was so touched by Gustav’s understanding that he’d actually started crying again… but Gus kissed his tears away and made sure Bill knew that he’d always be with him.
Not just my lover, he reminds himself now.
Tom needs Bill to save him.
It’s not too late.