[Fic - Down In Flames]
Once you walk back through the door, it's like you had never left. It's almost as if what happened there had no effect on you, since those in your world certainly don't remember.
Except - except that you remember. You remember them all, but you don't know when you'll be able to see them again.
--
It takes a long time - fifty years, almost to the day - but you manage to rebuild the barrier to the demonic world. You shove as many demons as you can get back into the void, and patch it up. The replications you make of the beings that held up the barrier aren't exactly the same - but they're the best you can do, feeding divinity into them for years, until they're strong enough to stand on their own. You're getting better at this, creating life where there wasn't any before, but Dike reminds you that you are not to interfere.
Some days you wish you could quiet her, but you know she's right.
And she's also a reminder of That Place, and you don't want to forget it.
--
A hundred years pass, two hundred, and you do what you can, gently pushing humanity towards peace. Unfortunately, much like small children, they insist on pushing the limits of what you'll accept. You wander the earth, refusing to take up residence in Heaven, and the angels that insist on following you around have given up that particular issue.
It's particularly disturbing to them, though, when you take a nap and don't wake up for ten years.
Humanity knows you exist, but not what you look like, especially since you've gotten the hang of making yourself look like whomever you need to. Your angelic 'guard' changes as needed, and you learn that though angels don't have the same sort of free will that humans do (you try to give it to them, several times, but they either can't or won't take it), that doesn't mean they don't have personalities. One of the ones that you enjoy spending time with the most is the one that some know as the "Angel of Death" - not because you enjoy seeing things die so much, but because he actually has a sense of humor.
One day, he shows you a book with some human stories, and after reading one in particular you nearly throw the book at his head. You ask him if this story is true, if he's the one who tempted your mother and gave birth to your brother. He just laughs and reminds you that many myths have different versions.
You notice that he didn't answer your question, but you don't bring it up again.
--
Being God is more than just sitting and watching, you realize. It's extremely disturbing when you visit Heaven to deal with matters and realize that you're staring at yourself judging the souls. An angel senses your confusion and reminds you that you were the first martyr, a clean soul, once upon a time.
You ask how this works, if you were reincarnated, and you realize that this version of you is just a reflection, a memory of justice bound up with part of a soul.
You wonder how much of your soul is God, how much is Bel, how much is Abel, and how much is Michi. It's a topic you dwell on for a long time.
--
Sometimes you just shut down for a while, trying to grapple with your own divinity. You can hear prayers, and you can hear people curse the name of God - and it's a constant buzz in the back of your head.
Often, it feels like you're going crazy - but you left human notions of sanity and mental health long ago.
The first ten years or so were particularly bad. It seems that the Velvet Mall had been merciful for once and kept this stuff away from you. You were built on a mortal framework, and your mind still first thinks of things as a mortal, though you learn to squash that reaction in time. The constant stream of information leaves you paralyzed at times, because you are God, and you can see everything.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you can process everything at once, which is why these shutdowns are useful - go too long without one and you start shaking, at least at the beginning. Still, you miss things, and as the years drag on you lose track of time more and more.
--
You try, and fail, to act human - you change your form and your voice and location many times, and attempt to love, to start relationships with women (and once or twice, men). It never works out. They always comment on how distant you seem, and you know it's the truth.
They are young and mortal, you are old and God. They will die, and you will not, and you will hurt all over again.
--
You begin to grow worried - humans are still fighting each other, resources are still limited, but you can't and you won't get involved directly, because that would go against the concept of free will. You're God now - and so you can tell when a large portion of humanity begins to turn against you. Not outright apathy like there was before, but frustration.
You hear the prayers of those who still believe, crying out and asking for your Righteous Hand of Judgment.
You know you can't do it, and it breaks your metaphorical heart.
--
Something is whispering in your ear, and you're not certain who or what it is. It tells you that humans have gone too far, that they are going to destroy each other. Why not wipe the Earth clean and begin again?
But you can't, because the thought of destroying them makes your very soul ache, though you seriously consider it.
The voice doesn't stop whispering.
--
The fighting grows worse and worse, and one day, when three terrorist bombs go off within hours of each other, you tune into the thoughts of humans around the world.
"God let this happen." "He doesn't care anymore." "God must hate us."
You want to do something, but there's no way you can think of to slip in a helping hand without directly interfering.
--
Sirens jolt you awake one night, and you realize you fell asleep for a month again. The Angel of Death isn't with you tonight, which means that something very bad must have happened for him to have to go on duty personally.
Reaching out with senses that are beyond human, you realize what has happened.
North and South America, Europe, Australia, Africa... nuclear bombs have gone off on all of them. Asia is being bombed at the moment, and you've lost track of which country is called which anymore or the reasons they claim to be fighting. It takes you a few seconds to recall where you even are at the moment - and then you realize you're in Hiroshima.
Ironic... is all you have time to think, before a bright flash envelops the city.
Hours later, when you're looking over the destruction, you can't help but feel a little angry at what humans have decided to do.
--
There are times you want to destroy them all - aggravating little children that don't listen to what's best for them. You could do it - you have the power to wipe this place clean.
And every human act of cruelty nudges you closer and closer to that option.
But you can't do it. You refuse to be like that. The crimes of the few do not outweigh the innocence of many.
--
It takes a long time, but you find him. You can't tell him who he is, of course - he probably knows already.
When you look in on what he's doing, you realize that he is a she this time. The thought amuses you for a moment, but there are more pressing matters - does he - she - blame you?
After watching him - her - for a while, you realize the answer is a very solid yes. Cain wants the curse gone, but you don't know how. You don't have the kind of experience that the previous God had.
You started as human, not immortal - and as a result you were never taught how to use your powers properly.
The angels only know so much.
--
There is an Abel - you recall that you're one of many Abels, or were, at least. This Abel is also female, and you have a brief memory of being held by someone who looked very much like you. Then the memory is gone, and you take a closer look.
You could almost laugh at the irony. Out of all the genetic combinations, out of all the people she could have looked like, she had to look like her. There's the possibility that it won't happen - but you can feel your control over the demons, your powers granted by Babel, unused for so long, beginning to slip away.
The time is approaching.
You turn your attention away from the Abel-who-looks-like-the-Hitoshura for the moment, and return to checking the status of the barrier.
--
One night, all Hell breaks loose, nearly literally.
Cain had a hand in pushing the demons towards another War of Bel, you're sure of it - those ancient texts that she's been researching allow her to speak to them.
The barrier comes crashing down, this time with two guardians taken down at once. You should have gone back and reinforced them, you should have been more careful - but you weren't.
Your powers as King of Bel are gone now, so all you can do is watch.
The options are laid out before the new Abel, and she once again has seven days to choose. She's strong, but you're not sure if she can make the right choice.
You're not even sure which is the right choice anymore. Dike is silent on this matter.
--
The old contenders are there once more - new forms, but old names, and you mentally cheer each time one of them is defeated. Perhaps she can do it. You hope she can, because many demons still hold a grudge against you for being shoved back into their world.
Still, you can't help but feel that something is about to go very badly.
--
You watch as she calls Babel. You can't watch the fight itself - only wait and hope.
Eventually, Babel cracks, and you can feel a new power assert itself in the universe. You listen in as she speaks to her friends, and try to brush aside the pain you feel from remembering your own friends in this world, who have long since died.
... Of course. Growing up in this now-ruined world, pushed by her Cain, how could you have expected anything different?
The drums of war will sound again, but you're on the other side this time.
--
You let your angels fight. They know your history, but they can do nothing else - not when they're attacked by demons. It's a sort of reflex, it seems - angels fight demons, demons fight angels, an old hatred that you can't get either side to drop.
You know what's coming, and you wait for it. You refuse to run, but you're afraid. You don't know what happens to gods when they die, and you're no longer allowed the privilege of thinking of yourself as human anymore.
--
She finds you, the Abel-who-looks-like-the-Hitoshura. Spear in hand, she calls you by old names, and you have no choice but to face her.
You know that most things cannot harm you - you also know that she is one of those that can.
She fights you. You fight back, because you can't simply give up - it doesn't work that way.
You both bleed, you both come close to dying, but it's clear that she has the upper hand. Hers is now a power that destroys, while yours is more one that protects.
But barriers can only last so long in the face of a relentless offense. Your wings are torn, and you're beaten, your physical body as well as your spiritual one starting to fade.
She draws back her spear for a final strike, when you're both distracted by something falling from the sky. As you watch it come closer, you realize it's a door. She jumps back, confused.
You've never been so happy to see it in your life, as it opens, falls on you, and swallows you back into that place you've missed so much.