Updating LJ like a boss!
Grandfather's funeral went well, as far as the organisation is concerned. As far as the emotional part is concerned, it was sad. I even started crying and completely destroyed my carefully cultivated image of a calm unemotional person with my gross sobbing in front of 60 strangers. And then after the funeral I went to my grandmother's place and nearly started crying again when I went into my grandfather's room and saw he was not there anymore...
And of course my grandmother told me all sorts of horrible stories about hospital - she was there with my grandfather for something like a month, and it was the hospital ward for dying patients. So now I know all about their screams and blood and pus and shit. I know my grandmother feels better when she can tell other people about the horrors she had seen. But I don't feel better at all when I have to listen to that! Diseases really creep me out.
I am considering a repeated experiment with cutting myself somewhere in a non-lifethreatening place, just to check whether I can do it to make sure I will be able to commit a suicide if necessary and will not become one of those living corpses rotting on a hospital bed. I have tried that before some time ago and managed it, but what if I have gone soft in recent years! Also, as useful information to everyone - bread knife with a serrated blade is not good for cutting skin XD
And another sad thing was that an important national holiday in Latvia was coming up and there were flags and decorations everywhere, and once again I felt like a traitor of the nation because I went to another country instead of trying to do something good for my own land. The situation is getting pretty bad there, people are leaving all the time, the population has dropped under 1 million, so I heard. I don't suppose you guys get it how important for me was patriotism and doing good for my country. I know it is not because of me that bad things are happening there now, and it's not like I could have made a difference if I stayed - but that's what everyone else thinks too, and that's why the situation is so bad now...
Basically, I came back from Latvia pretty depressed, but just a couple of days here already cheered me up, and made my concerns seem silly. Life really is not that horrible, I just have to not think about all the bad stuff!
In other news, I have a moral dilemma right now. An acquaintance of mine, a reader of my Russian blog, just posted a request for help. She is looking for a place to stay in Germany for a month. And she knows I read her blog too, and she knows I live in Germany. So basically, if we put one thing next to the other, it's plain to see she expects me to offer her a place to stay! She says she will pay the rent and all... But I don't want a stranger to live in my home for a month! I suppose I could allow her to stay for a week or so, but I like my privacy, I don't want to have her around longer than that because I don't even like her and she never really comments on my blog.
Don't think I'm not hospitable, I would not mind to have an actual friend living at my place for longer than a week - but she is not really my friend. And it's not like I have that much space, I live in a one-room flat, after all. Basically, idk, should I do the decent thing and offer her to stay at my place for a week? But she needs a month, what good would a week do. Or should I just pretend I never saw her request? But that's not very nice to ignore people who need help... I don't even know.
What do you guys think?
And of course my grandmother told me all sorts of horrible stories about hospital - she was there with my grandfather for something like a month, and it was the hospital ward for dying patients. So now I know all about their screams and blood and pus and shit. I know my grandmother feels better when she can tell other people about the horrors she had seen. But I don't feel better at all when I have to listen to that! Diseases really creep me out.
I am considering a repeated experiment with cutting myself somewhere in a non-lifethreatening place, just to check whether I can do it to make sure I will be able to commit a suicide if necessary and will not become one of those living corpses rotting on a hospital bed. I have tried that before some time ago and managed it, but what if I have gone soft in recent years! Also, as useful information to everyone - bread knife with a serrated blade is not good for cutting skin XD
And another sad thing was that an important national holiday in Latvia was coming up and there were flags and decorations everywhere, and once again I felt like a traitor of the nation because I went to another country instead of trying to do something good for my own land. The situation is getting pretty bad there, people are leaving all the time, the population has dropped under 1 million, so I heard. I don't suppose you guys get it how important for me was patriotism and doing good for my country. I know it is not because of me that bad things are happening there now, and it's not like I could have made a difference if I stayed - but that's what everyone else thinks too, and that's why the situation is so bad now...
Basically, I came back from Latvia pretty depressed, but just a couple of days here already cheered me up, and made my concerns seem silly. Life really is not that horrible, I just have to not think about all the bad stuff!
In other news, I have a moral dilemma right now. An acquaintance of mine, a reader of my Russian blog, just posted a request for help. She is looking for a place to stay in Germany for a month. And she knows I read her blog too, and she knows I live in Germany. So basically, if we put one thing next to the other, it's plain to see she expects me to offer her a place to stay! She says she will pay the rent and all... But I don't want a stranger to live in my home for a month! I suppose I could allow her to stay for a week or so, but I like my privacy, I don't want to have her around longer than that because I don't even like her and she never really comments on my blog.
Don't think I'm not hospitable, I would not mind to have an actual friend living at my place for longer than a week - but she is not really my friend. And it's not like I have that much space, I live in a one-room flat, after all. Basically, idk, should I do the decent thing and offer her to stay at my place for a week? But she needs a month, what good would a week do. Or should I just pretend I never saw her request? But that's not very nice to ignore people who need help... I don't even know.
What do you guys think?