(no subject)
Here is our submission to the Quibbler story contest. Co-written by myself and my brother George. The good parts are, of course, by me.
There was once a little dragon named Whiskers. Not because he had any because that's obviously not possible at all. Whiskers liked flying and he flew a lot every day. He could also barbeque his own dinner so overall everything was fantastic with his life. Until one day Whiskers discovered his innermost wish - he wanted a friend.
After he decided he wanted a friend, Whiskers spent all his afternoons moping near a pond (that was consequently more like a small and dried up hole in the ground than a pond at all). He blew smoke rings and thought about how lonely he was as he watched the other, happier woodland creatures scamper about, in twos and threes and fours. It made him sad to see the other animals with their friends because Whiskers didn't have anyone; his shadow had stopped talking to him years ago.
But it was on that moment that Whiskers figured out what he ought to do - a good classic quest to find a friend! Friends didn't grow on trees but in some faraway country there had to be a friend bush (Matecus Leafacus) where he could pick up a friend or two for himself. The mere thought cheered him up a lot. "Watch out world, soon you'll have me as a friend!" he squealed and torched a few innocent squirrels with this excited gesture.
Having composed himself (and apologised to the squirrels), Whiskers set off in search of faraway lands and bushes that could sate his deepening desires for companionship. He walked with a bounce in his step, his whole scaly face aglow with the prospect of having a new friend soon, and before long, he was well along on his journey. But then, much to his surprise, he came upon an obstacle. There was a giant toad in his path! "Ribbit, Ribbit," said the toad, its eyes surveying Whiskers like giant golden saucers.
[Deepening desire? Fred, you kinky twat.] Whiskers, completely unaware of all social barriers that forbid dragons from hugging frogs, hugged the toad with such warmth the toad got a tan from it. Then, picking up the toad and placing it on his back, Whiskers continued his journey with this new partner, certain that he would make this toad's life more filled with joy as the toad was sure to make other friends on the way.
[What? Don't you have desires for friendship? It's perfectly natural! One must take full advantage of opportunities for forming social contacts!] Whiskers and the toad (Whiskers had affectionately given him the nickname "Sunshine") walked up hills and down hills, through narrow tunnels and across babbling brooks and streams filled with tasty fish (like salmon and halibut). They stopped for food there, and Whiskers showed off his talents by providing Sunshine with a delicious meal of fried fish that Sunshine seemed to enjoy greatly, despite the fact that toads generally don't eat fish. They finished their meal off with some fresh pumpkin juice from the vegetable garden nearby (the Muggles who maintained the garden surely would not mind or notice) and slept together under a nearby tree with a large, round trunk.
[There isn't one ambigious bone in your body, is there? How is it possible we're twins?!] The sun rose and they stretched and yawned, Whiskers turning the tree trunk into ashes as he did so. Sunshine hopped a few steps ahead of Whiskers as they started on a long, golden road. It was halfway along that road that our two happy travelmen (or traveldragon and traveltoad) encountered a hippo.
[I'm perfectly ambitious. I just have my own way of realising my ambition.] The hippo was lounging on a big rock, its mouth hanging wide open, so wide that Whiskers could see all of its shiny teeth. Whiskers contemplated dental hygiene while Sunshine hopped up to the hippo and extented its long tongue in greeting, as toads are wont to do. The hippo didn't seem to care for Sunshine much, and just continued daydreaming happily, possibly about a circus or, more likely (since the hippo was clearly the ambitious sort), running a business that specialised in selling things for jokes and pranks.
[Ambiguous means that some things... actually, never mind. maybe it's good that one of us has their innocence. and what the hell is up with the hippo's business ambitions?!] The hippo was enormous and cute in the way chubby, big-toothed kind of way and Whiskers immediately fell in love.
[I was merely clarifying that my ambitions are not ambiguous. Er. Right. The hippo can be ambitious if he wants to. Don't try to squash his will to dream and strive to be something great!] Whiskers watched the hippo yawn, and then close its mouth again, and then (for just a moment) the hippo looked right at Whiskers and Whiskers felt his heart pounding so loudly that he thought it might break! Sunshine noticed Whiskers looking a bit flushed, and was not happy. The truth was that Sunshine had been in love with Whiskers ever since he had seen Whiskers smoke that tree with his fiery breath.
Sunshine had been so mightily impressed with this act of absolute disregard for nature that he had indeed fallen for Whiskers right then and there. Feeling a sudden surge of jealousy, Sunshine made noises suggesting they ought to get going if they would ever want to catch the friend bush as friend bushes had an annoying tendency to randomly run off.
Whiskers wondered if Sunshine had an upset stomach because he was making strange gagging noises, which either meant that Sunshine was very sick, or that Whiskers needed to stop staring at the hippo. Taking the chance that it might be the latter, Whiskers reluctantly turned back to his friendly toad (making sure to tell the hippo his address and what kind of roses he liked before doing so) and the pair continued on their journey to find the ever elusive friend bush. Whiskers didn't notice that Sunshine's eyes lit up brilliantly once the hippo was out of sight and no longer a threat.
[These two are the cutest, are they not, Fred?] And so it was that our heroic yet slightly strange duo travelled on, in quest for the now already legendary yet still pretty much non-existant friend bush. The long golden road continued until they ran into a bear.
[They are quite certainly....something, George.] The bear was black, with shaggy fur that ran all over its body, and, with the sudden drop in temperature, Whiskers thought that, rather than lighting more things on fire, it would be a good idea to nuzzle the bear for warmth. Sunshine, who wanted to be agreeable, thought that it was a good idea too. The bear was very friendly and did not scratch them much and soon all three were warm and happy. Thanking the bear for his help, Whiskers had the thought to ask where the friend bush was, since they quite easily might be headed in the wrong direction. The bear pointed a furry hand to the west, telling Whiskers that they were nearly there, and had just to cross a dangerous bridge of doom, before they would arrive, at last, at the place where the friend bush was. Sunshine bounced excitedly, and they hurried onwards, leaving the bear to roll around in the grass.
And happily they hopped their way to the menacing bridge of doom, that, in Whiskers' opinion, anyway, needed the menacing Capital Letters and was thus called Bridge of Doom (not to be mistaken for Pokey-pokey Sword of Doom or the Fire ARRRGH IT BURNS IT BURNNNSSS Armour of Doom or certainly not the Ugly Oh-God-How-Disgusting Mirror of Doom as all of these have nothing else in common than the bit about the doom, and the general awfulness). Despite it's awful name, it looked like a rather nice bridge. In fact, it looked so nice Whiskers wanted to bounce on it. Sunshine adviced his darling friend not to do this. It simply would not do. Dragons should not bounce on Bridges of Doom (not that there were several Bridges of Doom, but then again, neither Sunshine or Whiskers had ever even visited the mainland, so they had no knowledge of the great Brücke von Gericht that was located somewhere near Köln). [Brücke = bridge, gericht = doom, in case you didn't know, my culturally challenged brother.]
[I resent the implication that I am culturally challenged as I still maintain that German should not be included in talk of 'culture'. I am perfectly cultured with my knowledge of business etiquette. I don't need some silly extraneous language.] Whiskers realised that it would be good to take heed to his amphibian friend's warnings, and decided instead to just stroll across the bridge. After all, the bridge seemed stable and they should be able to just walk right across. Sunshine told Whiskers that if anything should happen to him, and he didn't make it across the bridge, that Whiskers should roast his body. Sunshine thought it would be nice to be roasted by Whiskers' fiery breath. The two walked cautiously over the bridge, only to find when they were barely two steps in that the bridge started swinging erratically back and forth, throwing the dragon and toad together. They clung to each other, not knowing what to do next!
[You don't know what to do next! Twat, leaving me to write the difficult parts.] The bridge shook and shook until it stopped and just started to collapse. There was a brief moment of relief and a longer moment of absolute terror until Whiskers remembered that he could fly. And so he did, holding onto his froggy friend until they landed on the other side of the bridge. And there it was, the friend bush, right in front of their eyes.
The friend bush had brilliant purple leaves that reflected the sunlight and made them light up, and red and gold flowers bloomed on its branches as Whiskers and Sunshine approached it. They stared at it for several moments, as if expecting it to light up, or move, or possibly levitate, but it did nothing. Whiskers was noticeably disappointed. How was he to make friends when the bush was, for all intents and purposes, just being rather dull and bush-like. Sunshine shrugged, flicking its tongue out to lick one of the flower petals. Only then did the bush begin to speak. It spoke with a deep, booming voice, commanding the attention of everything around it.
"Lo and behold! I am the Ancient Speaking Lemon Bush of the Past!" it said.
"Lemon Bush?" Whiskers exclaimed. "I thought lemons grew on trees!"
"Duhh," said the Ancient Speaking Lemon Bush of the Past. "Why do you think I'm so amazing?"
"Because you can talk?" suggested Sunshine helpfully.
"Excellent point but no," the Lemon Bush said. "Hey, wait a minute!" it then said. "Aren't you the one who licked me?" it asked, turning to Sunshine. Sunshine flushed and nodded his toady mctoad head guiltily. "Fantastic lick, my friend. Now, what is it that you want?"
"We thought you were the friend bush! We came here to get some friends!" Whiskers commented indignantly.
"Yes, well, of course. I used to be a friend bush. Boring job, quit. Everyone started returning friends to me. It got quite bothersome." The Lemon Bush ranted about this and all of its other 736 jobs until Whiskers finally cut in.
"Are you saying you are definitely not the friend bush?"
"Yes, that is correct," said the Lemon Bush. "But I don't see what you've got to complain. Aren't you two already friends?"
And friends they were.
There was once a little dragon named Whiskers. Not because he had any because that's obviously not possible at all. Whiskers liked flying and he flew a lot every day. He could also barbeque his own dinner so overall everything was fantastic with his life. Until one day Whiskers discovered his innermost wish - he wanted a friend.
After he decided he wanted a friend, Whiskers spent all his afternoons moping near a pond (that was consequently more like a small and dried up hole in the ground than a pond at all). He blew smoke rings and thought about how lonely he was as he watched the other, happier woodland creatures scamper about, in twos and threes and fours. It made him sad to see the other animals with their friends because Whiskers didn't have anyone; his shadow had stopped talking to him years ago.
But it was on that moment that Whiskers figured out what he ought to do - a good classic quest to find a friend! Friends didn't grow on trees but in some faraway country there had to be a friend bush (Matecus Leafacus) where he could pick up a friend or two for himself. The mere thought cheered him up a lot. "Watch out world, soon you'll have me as a friend!" he squealed and torched a few innocent squirrels with this excited gesture.
Having composed himself (and apologised to the squirrels), Whiskers set off in search of faraway lands and bushes that could sate his deepening desires for companionship. He walked with a bounce in his step, his whole scaly face aglow with the prospect of having a new friend soon, and before long, he was well along on his journey. But then, much to his surprise, he came upon an obstacle. There was a giant toad in his path! "Ribbit, Ribbit," said the toad, its eyes surveying Whiskers like giant golden saucers.
[Deepening desire? Fred, you kinky twat.] Whiskers, completely unaware of all social barriers that forbid dragons from hugging frogs, hugged the toad with such warmth the toad got a tan from it. Then, picking up the toad and placing it on his back, Whiskers continued his journey with this new partner, certain that he would make this toad's life more filled with joy as the toad was sure to make other friends on the way.
[What? Don't you have desires for friendship? It's perfectly natural! One must take full advantage of opportunities for forming social contacts!] Whiskers and the toad (Whiskers had affectionately given him the nickname "Sunshine") walked up hills and down hills, through narrow tunnels and across babbling brooks and streams filled with tasty fish (like salmon and halibut). They stopped for food there, and Whiskers showed off his talents by providing Sunshine with a delicious meal of fried fish that Sunshine seemed to enjoy greatly, despite the fact that toads generally don't eat fish. They finished their meal off with some fresh pumpkin juice from the vegetable garden nearby (the Muggles who maintained the garden surely would not mind or notice) and slept together under a nearby tree with a large, round trunk.
[There isn't one ambigious bone in your body, is there? How is it possible we're twins?!] The sun rose and they stretched and yawned, Whiskers turning the tree trunk into ashes as he did so. Sunshine hopped a few steps ahead of Whiskers as they started on a long, golden road. It was halfway along that road that our two happy travelmen (or traveldragon and traveltoad) encountered a hippo.
[I'm perfectly ambitious. I just have my own way of realising my ambition.] The hippo was lounging on a big rock, its mouth hanging wide open, so wide that Whiskers could see all of its shiny teeth. Whiskers contemplated dental hygiene while Sunshine hopped up to the hippo and extented its long tongue in greeting, as toads are wont to do. The hippo didn't seem to care for Sunshine much, and just continued daydreaming happily, possibly about a circus or, more likely (since the hippo was clearly the ambitious sort), running a business that specialised in selling things for jokes and pranks.
[Ambiguous means that some things... actually, never mind. maybe it's good that one of us has their innocence. and what the hell is up with the hippo's business ambitions?!] The hippo was enormous and cute in the way chubby, big-toothed kind of way and Whiskers immediately fell in love.
[I was merely clarifying that my ambitions are not ambiguous. Er. Right. The hippo can be ambitious if he wants to. Don't try to squash his will to dream and strive to be something great!] Whiskers watched the hippo yawn, and then close its mouth again, and then (for just a moment) the hippo looked right at Whiskers and Whiskers felt his heart pounding so loudly that he thought it might break! Sunshine noticed Whiskers looking a bit flushed, and was not happy. The truth was that Sunshine had been in love with Whiskers ever since he had seen Whiskers smoke that tree with his fiery breath.
Sunshine had been so mightily impressed with this act of absolute disregard for nature that he had indeed fallen for Whiskers right then and there. Feeling a sudden surge of jealousy, Sunshine made noises suggesting they ought to get going if they would ever want to catch the friend bush as friend bushes had an annoying tendency to randomly run off.
Whiskers wondered if Sunshine had an upset stomach because he was making strange gagging noises, which either meant that Sunshine was very sick, or that Whiskers needed to stop staring at the hippo. Taking the chance that it might be the latter, Whiskers reluctantly turned back to his friendly toad (making sure to tell the hippo his address and what kind of roses he liked before doing so) and the pair continued on their journey to find the ever elusive friend bush. Whiskers didn't notice that Sunshine's eyes lit up brilliantly once the hippo was out of sight and no longer a threat.
[These two are the cutest, are they not, Fred?] And so it was that our heroic yet slightly strange duo travelled on, in quest for the now already legendary yet still pretty much non-existant friend bush. The long golden road continued until they ran into a bear.
[They are quite certainly....something, George.] The bear was black, with shaggy fur that ran all over its body, and, with the sudden drop in temperature, Whiskers thought that, rather than lighting more things on fire, it would be a good idea to nuzzle the bear for warmth. Sunshine, who wanted to be agreeable, thought that it was a good idea too. The bear was very friendly and did not scratch them much and soon all three were warm and happy. Thanking the bear for his help, Whiskers had the thought to ask where the friend bush was, since they quite easily might be headed in the wrong direction. The bear pointed a furry hand to the west, telling Whiskers that they were nearly there, and had just to cross a dangerous bridge of doom, before they would arrive, at last, at the place where the friend bush was. Sunshine bounced excitedly, and they hurried onwards, leaving the bear to roll around in the grass.
And happily they hopped their way to the menacing bridge of doom, that, in Whiskers' opinion, anyway, needed the menacing Capital Letters and was thus called Bridge of Doom (not to be mistaken for Pokey-pokey Sword of Doom or the Fire ARRRGH IT BURNS IT BURNNNSSS Armour of Doom or certainly not the Ugly Oh-God-How-Disgusting Mirror of Doom as all of these have nothing else in common than the bit about the doom, and the general awfulness). Despite it's awful name, it looked like a rather nice bridge. In fact, it looked so nice Whiskers wanted to bounce on it. Sunshine adviced his darling friend not to do this. It simply would not do. Dragons should not bounce on Bridges of Doom (not that there were several Bridges of Doom, but then again, neither Sunshine or Whiskers had ever even visited the mainland, so they had no knowledge of the great Brücke von Gericht that was located somewhere near Köln). [Brücke = bridge, gericht = doom, in case you didn't know, my culturally challenged brother.]
[I resent the implication that I am culturally challenged as I still maintain that German should not be included in talk of 'culture'. I am perfectly cultured with my knowledge of business etiquette. I don't need some silly extraneous language.] Whiskers realised that it would be good to take heed to his amphibian friend's warnings, and decided instead to just stroll across the bridge. After all, the bridge seemed stable and they should be able to just walk right across. Sunshine told Whiskers that if anything should happen to him, and he didn't make it across the bridge, that Whiskers should roast his body. Sunshine thought it would be nice to be roasted by Whiskers' fiery breath. The two walked cautiously over the bridge, only to find when they were barely two steps in that the bridge started swinging erratically back and forth, throwing the dragon and toad together. They clung to each other, not knowing what to do next!
[You don't know what to do next! Twat, leaving me to write the difficult parts.] The bridge shook and shook until it stopped and just started to collapse. There was a brief moment of relief and a longer moment of absolute terror until Whiskers remembered that he could fly. And so he did, holding onto his froggy friend until they landed on the other side of the bridge. And there it was, the friend bush, right in front of their eyes.
The friend bush had brilliant purple leaves that reflected the sunlight and made them light up, and red and gold flowers bloomed on its branches as Whiskers and Sunshine approached it. They stared at it for several moments, as if expecting it to light up, or move, or possibly levitate, but it did nothing. Whiskers was noticeably disappointed. How was he to make friends when the bush was, for all intents and purposes, just being rather dull and bush-like. Sunshine shrugged, flicking its tongue out to lick one of the flower petals. Only then did the bush begin to speak. It spoke with a deep, booming voice, commanding the attention of everything around it.
"Lo and behold! I am the Ancient Speaking Lemon Bush of the Past!" it said.
"Lemon Bush?" Whiskers exclaimed. "I thought lemons grew on trees!"
"Duhh," said the Ancient Speaking Lemon Bush of the Past. "Why do you think I'm so amazing?"
"Because you can talk?" suggested Sunshine helpfully.
"Excellent point but no," the Lemon Bush said. "Hey, wait a minute!" it then said. "Aren't you the one who licked me?" it asked, turning to Sunshine. Sunshine flushed and nodded his toady mctoad head guiltily. "Fantastic lick, my friend. Now, what is it that you want?"
"We thought you were the friend bush! We came here to get some friends!" Whiskers commented indignantly.
"Yes, well, of course. I used to be a friend bush. Boring job, quit. Everyone started returning friends to me. It got quite bothersome." The Lemon Bush ranted about this and all of its other 736 jobs until Whiskers finally cut in.
"Are you saying you are definitely not the friend bush?"
"Yes, that is correct," said the Lemon Bush. "But I don't see what you've got to complain. Aren't you two already friends?"
And friends they were.