those of us who weren't raised by grand theft auto usually applaud after we've been shown something

[derogatory]

1776 (thereabouts)

a rag tag group searches for immortality on a boat.

MAIZA: there! international waters. finally we can talk about alchemists
SZILARD: i know, soon im gonna make a homunculi. it's gonna be tight
MONSTER: hey stop researching, i'll just give you the potion
EVERYONE: sweet!! i thought this was gonna take weeks
MONSTER: ps your hands can eat other immortals
MAIZA: im sure this won't be a problem....
SZILARD: yum your brother was delicious
MAIZA: ugh i've been tricked

1930

i guess time has passed.

FIRO: totally unrelated but i'm joining the mob!
FIRO: Thanks for buying me a hat, Maiza.
MAIZA: Call me 'niichan.
FIRO: no thank you.

a building is burning down

FIRO: i better investigate!

DALLAS and co are beating up an old guy

FIRO: i better investigate!

ENNIS loses the button to her coat

FIRO: i better investigate!!
MAFIA: why are you joining us again.

Elsewhere, ISAAC&MIRIA are getting beat up by punks.

FIRO: too busy to investigate this
ENNIS: oh okay i'll help. I'm an obedient homunculi.
ISAAC&MIRIA: we are friends for life!
ENNIS: these punks better not wake up while i cry thankful tears

ENNIS takes the punks (DALLAS and co) to SZILARD's secret club for old people

DALLAS: hey found alcohol
SZILARD: inject it in their veins
DALLAS: ow prohibition sucks
SZILARD: now that you're immortal, go run some errands for me

It is time for FIRO's mafia coronation

FIRO: too cute for this mafia
MAIZA: i know i already bought you a hat, but we should also knife fight
FIRO: okay but i get to win
MAIZA: heals
FIRO: hmm this mafia is a sweet gig

OUTSIDE

ISAAC: hey found alcohol
MIRIA: let's drink it!
ISAAC&MIRIA: and then let's crash a mafia party

Somehow, while crashing the mafia party, ISAAC gets shot

FIRO: oh good im in the klutzy mafia
ISAAC&MIRIA: we're miraculously okay
LUCK: hey found alcohol
EVERYONE: lets drink it
FIRO: prohibition rocks

EVERYONE is having a great time, when the villian SZILARD appears!

SZILARD: i'm totally here to eat you
MAIZA: youd think id be better at fighting an old guy since i just participated in a knife fight but no.
FIRO: i would totally help you but that girl over there is ballin.
ENNIS: ugh dallas, for the last time guns dont work on us-
DALLAS: bang bang bang
MAIZA: :(((((

SZILARD is run over by ISAAC&MIRIA

MAIZA: szilard!!
FIRO: yeah... just back up over him too

Drunk driving aside, there is a strange new development--

LUCK: hey Maiza what gives. we are immortal now
MAIZA: Im so sorry
FIRO: uh immortal gangsters. dude, maiza how are you not excited about this

1931

a train called the flying pussyfoot is departing from chicago to new york city

RUSSO FAMILY: lets rob the shit out of this train
LEMURES: lets rob the shit out of this train
ISAAC&MIRIA: lets rob the shit out of this train
JACUZZI: do we have to rob the shit out of this train?
NICE: yes

LATER!! on the train

ISAAC&MIRIA: we're talking about rail tracer! he kills people on trains- do you know about him?
JACUZZI: no!
ISAAC&MIRIA: yeah neither do we..

LATER!! also on the train

CONDUCTOR: hey dyou know about rail tracer?
LEMURES: hey dyou know about huey laforet?
CONDUCTOR:
CONDUCTOR: okay just kidding i am rail tracer

then the train gets robbed!

LEMURES: we are doing this to free Huey Laforet. he is apparently in jail for being immortal. i mean booze is illegal now people, lots of stuff can get you thrown in prison
LADD: oh we are just doing this for funsies
JACUZZI: I HAVE FORGOTTEN WHY WE ARE DOING THIS

RAIL TRACER is killing a whole bunch of people on the train

EVERYONE: scared
JACKIE: most scared of all?

later!! on the cute train

CSEZLAW: i am not getting my immortal brains eaten on this train
LADD: you're cute
CSELAW: :) can you help me kill immortal ppl
LADD: um not cute enough bangbangbang
CSEZLAW: ugh glad dying totally doesn't take with me
RAIL TRACER: spying!!!!!

RAIL TRACER/CONDUCTOR begins torturing CSEZLAW

RACHEL: wants to help but is a freeloader
RAIL TRACER/CONDUCTOR: that will teach you to be immortal

LADD engages CHANE and RAIL TRACER for a fight on the ROOF of the TRAIN.

RAIL TRACER/CONDUCTOR: hi my name is vino
CHANE:
VINO: oh actually im also rail tracer
CHANE:
VINO: say let's get married
MUKURO HUEY: neato
LADD: this is just annoying enough that i'm gonna jump off this train
EVERYONE: lucky

CSEZLAW is saved by ISAAC&MIRIA

CSEZLAW: fuck they are immortals too get your right hand off me
ISAAC&MIRIA: hugs

Somehow EVERYONE arrives safely in NYC

CSEZLAW: im here to kill maiza cause its supposed to be really easy
FIRO: ugh he is
MAIZA: i am!
CSEZLAW: :-L ............... :((
ISAAC&MIRIA: ennis we brought you a little brother!
MAIZA: OMG A NEW BROTHER FOR ME FINALLY
ENNIS: uh i already called dibs..

later!! Outside the station

LUCK: heyyyyy little brother
VINO: no call me rail tracer

1932

THEN THE OVA HAPPENED

FIRO: we can live forever, so let's frittle time away playing dominoes
MAIZA: i hope you didn't pay for this dvd

Enter a NEW CHARACTER being crazy in a warehouse

GRAHAM: blah blah blah blah
DUDES: so whats the plan
GRAHAM: blah blah blah kidnap eve genoard
CHANE:
GRAHAM: close enough blah blah

For SOME REASON, GRAHAM sends the ransom not for the wrong person to the retarded thieves

JACUZZI: so someone kidnapped Chane
NICE: i dont see how this is our problem
JACUZZI: i know but lets help anyway

On the town, RACHEL runs into CSEZLAW.

RACHEL: why aren't you dead?
CSEZLAW: oh you just get to know the secret for free apparently, let me tell you.
VINO: heyyyy
CSEZLAW: freaks out
ENNIS: ugh what did that communist woman say to you, come here little one
CSELAW: :((((

At lunch!

VINO: so i want to marry this girl I just met, but I'm a total fucking freak so i tortured some journalists for her whereabouts and like, now im like- does she like me? was i coming on too strong? is she trying to kill me cause she loves me? thoughts
RACHEL: i am just here for the free food.

At the warehouse!

JACUZZI: i am here and noble
CHANE:
GRAHAM: we were kinda in the middle of a fight

JACUZZI thinks about coming back later, when VINO appears!

GRAHAM: blah blah ladd blah blah revenge
VINO: oh ps i pushed him off the train
GRAHAM: !!!!!!!
VINO: hey chane. i love you
GRAHAM: blah blah PAY ATTENTION TO ME
VINO: let's get married
CHANE:
VINO: we're getting married!!!
EVERYONE: WHEN DID THIS BECOME A ROMANCE?!

GRAHAM and VINO fight for like, three minutes.

VINO: i win.
GRAHAM: blah blah hey jacuzzi, you can use this warehouse whenever you want
JACUZZI: um what just happened
NICE: who cares! free warehouse!!

Meanwhile...

LUCK: surprise i am a monster. tho tbh, my voce is koyasu so you shouldn't be that surprised

Did I say "Meanwhile"? I meant "The End".

2001

ISAAC&MIRIA: let's rob the shit out of the future

I think I liked it