Giving Up Maybe
I'm supossed to be trying to sleep, but I can't. I dunno why but my head won't stop thinking about certain things, and it's just upsetting me. I thought maybe if I try to write my troubles here, I'll at least be able to sleep afterwards...? I hope so...
Lately I've been feeling upset about various things, although these feels maybe have been bothering me for a lot longer. Things about how my life is going nowhere, things about my "art". Right now it's mainly about my art. I just wanna run to DA and FA and just state that I'm gone. I just don't wanna assossiate myself as being an actual member of those "communities". All I ever do on those sites is go through my watchlist journals and delete them, and delete any art in my inbox I don't care about, and then not do anything else. I never upload anymore, and I honestly feel I'll never upload again. I never ever produce art that is worthy in my eyes, ever. When I draw, I do everything wrong that a real artist should never do. I draw firmiliar shit and never branch out, and if I try to branch out, I fail at it. Anytime I start a picture or "project", I barely ever complete it because I get sick of it halfway and give up. I hate my online galleries looking like shit with the constant colourless black and white lineart or sketches or whatever. Everything is just colourless and dead. I go to my gallery and all I see is a wall of white with black lines all over the place, and nothing else. Just garbage, like the images have lifeless eyes looking back at me. I hate that. And why is the reason I don't colour anyways? I hate it. Holding my tablet feels uncomfortable. I cannot draw or paint smooth or straight lines or shapes. Colouring takes me x10 the time it would for a normal artist. It takes me so so long to colour the saimplest of images, and it doesn't feel good. Back in October I tried to fully colour an art piece, which is in my galleries, and now I look at it and I hate it. It took me such a long long time to colour it, and all I wanted was to create a beautiful piece that I could feel proud of, because I was so so proud of it when I first drew it. I was so excited for it to be coloured, all finalized and perfect. But I coloured it, and it took so so long. And when I look at it, I hate it. Fucking hate it, when I should feel proud of myself. But it doesn't look like it's worth the amount of time I spent of it. Why should I feel this way?
I'm sitting here, and... I'm in tears. I shouldn't be crying, but I just am. I hate my art... I fucking hate it. But I don't understand. My art is so beautiful in the eyes of some of the people who see it, and it brings an awe-inspiring feeling to a few people. But why can I not see what they see and feel the same way, and feel like I'm worth something. I'm sick of trying to do this whole artist thing, I'm sick of being classified as something that I feel not worthy to be in that group. I wonder if it's because of things that have happened in my life.
All my life I wanted to be an "artist". It was the response I gave as a child when asked. And later, all I wanted to do for my life's career was to draw. I just wanted to fucking draw, and get paid for my talents/skills. But now that I'm older, I realize I can't have that dream. Everyone around me tells me differently and it only makes me feel worse. I tried to go to college, I tried to persue my dream, and it just filled my head with regrets and nightmares. I took a 1-year foundations art course, passed. When I couldn't get into computer animation, I tried multimedia, and fluked it. Afterwards, I tried for animation again, got accepted, then flunked again. I tried a second time, and flunked. Afterwards, I quit college. I cannot afford to go back to college, nor do I think I want to because of certain things that happened there, causing me to just have nightmares over the thought of being in school at all. The school itself, although with cheaper tuition, has shitty art courses anyways. All other art schools are either too far away distance-wise, or too expensive. I feel I cannot apply directly for an art job/career because I lack a ton of skills and experience, I can't colour for shit for a portfolio, and all the careers are too far away and scarce. I wouldn't ever stand a chance competing for an art career, ever. And what makes me feel worse is being constantly told otherwise. Sure, maybe I am simply making excuses for myself as to why I can't get my dream job, but my "excuses" are valid imo. My friends argue with me that my art is fine and I would get hired, and I don't believe them. I know what companies want when hiring, I know the competition, and I know there are TONS of artists that can take a shit on my art with theirs. Then I have all these strangers tell me I should get a job doing art, people who just walk by and see me drawing, and they have no clue about the industry. Constantly being told I can this potential is only making things worse, constantly reminding me of the dreams I feel and believe I can never reach no matter how hard I worked and tried for them. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of having dreams for myself. And all I ever feel is jelousy. Stupid jelousy over all the beautiful art I see everywhere. Jeleous of all the people that can make their art dreams come true, many with ease. People who drawperfectly, people who know how to develop themselves, people who can get or have an education, people going to the places I wish I could go, do the things I can only dream of.
I feel so invisible, and instead of trying to stand out I just wanna anialate my online existance even more and quit pretending I can do the things I wish I could do. It's not how reality is, and all of this stuff sounds depressing and emo, and blah, but I feel I should just stop pretending and just accept reality. Reality is simply this. Sure, reality is supossed to be what we make of it, blah blah, but just because people have dreams and goals and all this crap doesn't mean we can reach it all. My entire situation is my own fault, at least I can recognize it. It's my own fault for not putting more effort into school. It's my own fault for not trying to colour and draw more. It's my own fault I don't work harder at my dreams and goals. It's my own fault for STILL having shitty self-esteem and self-confidence and allowing every one of these retarded thoughts consume my actual beliefs, even at age 27. I'm 27 and I've gone nowhere in my stupid life, and it's my own fault. At least I know that.
I hate this rant. It's fucking stupid. It feels wrong to rant like this, because so many times in the past I would try to express my feelings online, and I would be ridiculed for it by someone. I know I've done so many horrible things in the past, and said the stupidest things, but I cannot forgive myself. I know I should forgive myself for everything I've ever done, but I can't truely do it, even when I tried. I really tried to just forget what I've done, but it's not real. I think I've just made a fool out of myself online, in other places.
I just think I should wrap it up, quit playing the "social art community" game, or whatever...? These websites seem to be overrun with popularity aspects and it makes me feel ill. I've never been popular, not do I even deserve popularity in any way. I mean, I acknowledge that I deserve nothing from these art websites, because I don't upload anything ever, or comment or say anything. I only use the websites for looking at journals and art, nothing more, so I might as well leave it that way and just leave my galleries the way they are. I swear I will NOT remove my galleries and be one of "those" people, because that royally pisses me off. I have at least a bit more respect than that.
I also don't wanna go to any art conventions or participate at AA tables again. I have no purpose of attending Anthrocon ever again, or doing an AA table. The biggest reason I even went to AC at first was to meet a couple friends. I no longer have any online friends that would make an AC trip worth while. Last year AC was horrendous, I ended up bawling my eyes out in my room on Saturday. I don't see any point of attending and wasting all that money for the trip when I have no friends and barely anyone caring to buy my shitty art at an AA table. All I really wanted was friends to be with, but no one is ever there for me and I pretty much lost 2 of my best online buds through AC events. So whatever.
I don't even know what else to say right now. I just... I think I'm fucking done. I dunno if or when I'll just pop a quick DA and FA journal just to inform the basics that I'm gone. It's over, I just can't... Fuck my fucking art to Hell, I hate it all. I'm just so sorry I failed everyone and myself.
Lately I've been feeling upset about various things, although these feels maybe have been bothering me for a lot longer. Things about how my life is going nowhere, things about my "art". Right now it's mainly about my art. I just wanna run to DA and FA and just state that I'm gone. I just don't wanna assossiate myself as being an actual member of those "communities". All I ever do on those sites is go through my watchlist journals and delete them, and delete any art in my inbox I don't care about, and then not do anything else. I never upload anymore, and I honestly feel I'll never upload again. I never ever produce art that is worthy in my eyes, ever. When I draw, I do everything wrong that a real artist should never do. I draw firmiliar shit and never branch out, and if I try to branch out, I fail at it. Anytime I start a picture or "project", I barely ever complete it because I get sick of it halfway and give up. I hate my online galleries looking like shit with the constant colourless black and white lineart or sketches or whatever. Everything is just colourless and dead. I go to my gallery and all I see is a wall of white with black lines all over the place, and nothing else. Just garbage, like the images have lifeless eyes looking back at me. I hate that. And why is the reason I don't colour anyways? I hate it. Holding my tablet feels uncomfortable. I cannot draw or paint smooth or straight lines or shapes. Colouring takes me x10 the time it would for a normal artist. It takes me so so long to colour the saimplest of images, and it doesn't feel good. Back in October I tried to fully colour an art piece, which is in my galleries, and now I look at it and I hate it. It took me such a long long time to colour it, and all I wanted was to create a beautiful piece that I could feel proud of, because I was so so proud of it when I first drew it. I was so excited for it to be coloured, all finalized and perfect. But I coloured it, and it took so so long. And when I look at it, I hate it. Fucking hate it, when I should feel proud of myself. But it doesn't look like it's worth the amount of time I spent of it. Why should I feel this way?
I'm sitting here, and... I'm in tears. I shouldn't be crying, but I just am. I hate my art... I fucking hate it. But I don't understand. My art is so beautiful in the eyes of some of the people who see it, and it brings an awe-inspiring feeling to a few people. But why can I not see what they see and feel the same way, and feel like I'm worth something. I'm sick of trying to do this whole artist thing, I'm sick of being classified as something that I feel not worthy to be in that group. I wonder if it's because of things that have happened in my life.
All my life I wanted to be an "artist". It was the response I gave as a child when asked. And later, all I wanted to do for my life's career was to draw. I just wanted to fucking draw, and get paid for my talents/skills. But now that I'm older, I realize I can't have that dream. Everyone around me tells me differently and it only makes me feel worse. I tried to go to college, I tried to persue my dream, and it just filled my head with regrets and nightmares. I took a 1-year foundations art course, passed. When I couldn't get into computer animation, I tried multimedia, and fluked it. Afterwards, I tried for animation again, got accepted, then flunked again. I tried a second time, and flunked. Afterwards, I quit college. I cannot afford to go back to college, nor do I think I want to because of certain things that happened there, causing me to just have nightmares over the thought of being in school at all. The school itself, although with cheaper tuition, has shitty art courses anyways. All other art schools are either too far away distance-wise, or too expensive. I feel I cannot apply directly for an art job/career because I lack a ton of skills and experience, I can't colour for shit for a portfolio, and all the careers are too far away and scarce. I wouldn't ever stand a chance competing for an art career, ever. And what makes me feel worse is being constantly told otherwise. Sure, maybe I am simply making excuses for myself as to why I can't get my dream job, but my "excuses" are valid imo. My friends argue with me that my art is fine and I would get hired, and I don't believe them. I know what companies want when hiring, I know the competition, and I know there are TONS of artists that can take a shit on my art with theirs. Then I have all these strangers tell me I should get a job doing art, people who just walk by and see me drawing, and they have no clue about the industry. Constantly being told I can this potential is only making things worse, constantly reminding me of the dreams I feel and believe I can never reach no matter how hard I worked and tried for them. I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of having dreams for myself. And all I ever feel is jelousy. Stupid jelousy over all the beautiful art I see everywhere. Jeleous of all the people that can make their art dreams come true, many with ease. People who drawperfectly, people who know how to develop themselves, people who can get or have an education, people going to the places I wish I could go, do the things I can only dream of.
I feel so invisible, and instead of trying to stand out I just wanna anialate my online existance even more and quit pretending I can do the things I wish I could do. It's not how reality is, and all of this stuff sounds depressing and emo, and blah, but I feel I should just stop pretending and just accept reality. Reality is simply this. Sure, reality is supossed to be what we make of it, blah blah, but just because people have dreams and goals and all this crap doesn't mean we can reach it all. My entire situation is my own fault, at least I can recognize it. It's my own fault for not putting more effort into school. It's my own fault for not trying to colour and draw more. It's my own fault I don't work harder at my dreams and goals. It's my own fault for STILL having shitty self-esteem and self-confidence and allowing every one of these retarded thoughts consume my actual beliefs, even at age 27. I'm 27 and I've gone nowhere in my stupid life, and it's my own fault. At least I know that.
I hate this rant. It's fucking stupid. It feels wrong to rant like this, because so many times in the past I would try to express my feelings online, and I would be ridiculed for it by someone. I know I've done so many horrible things in the past, and said the stupidest things, but I cannot forgive myself. I know I should forgive myself for everything I've ever done, but I can't truely do it, even when I tried. I really tried to just forget what I've done, but it's not real. I think I've just made a fool out of myself online, in other places.
I just think I should wrap it up, quit playing the "social art community" game, or whatever...? These websites seem to be overrun with popularity aspects and it makes me feel ill. I've never been popular, not do I even deserve popularity in any way. I mean, I acknowledge that I deserve nothing from these art websites, because I don't upload anything ever, or comment or say anything. I only use the websites for looking at journals and art, nothing more, so I might as well leave it that way and just leave my galleries the way they are. I swear I will NOT remove my galleries and be one of "those" people, because that royally pisses me off. I have at least a bit more respect than that.
I also don't wanna go to any art conventions or participate at AA tables again. I have no purpose of attending Anthrocon ever again, or doing an AA table. The biggest reason I even went to AC at first was to meet a couple friends. I no longer have any online friends that would make an AC trip worth while. Last year AC was horrendous, I ended up bawling my eyes out in my room on Saturday. I don't see any point of attending and wasting all that money for the trip when I have no friends and barely anyone caring to buy my shitty art at an AA table. All I really wanted was friends to be with, but no one is ever there for me and I pretty much lost 2 of my best online buds through AC events. So whatever.
I don't even know what else to say right now. I just... I think I'm fucking done. I dunno if or when I'll just pop a quick DA and FA journal just to inform the basics that I'm gone. It's over, I just can't... Fuck my fucking art to Hell, I hate it all. I'm just so sorry I failed everyone and myself.