(no subject)
So I was thinking about something my mom said tonight "Michelle, you're not stunningly beautiful, but you have intellectual beauty"
Now, its ok for a mom to say, hey you have a bad haircut, or that shirt doesn't fit...but to tell your daughter that she isn't beautiful....
Ok, now, let's take this in perspective. I've always known I wasn't textbook beautiful. On a good day, I would be homely. That's just life ya'll. In high school, my friends were beautiful. They always got the guy attention and I was just "that friend". Sure I had boyfriends, but there was always something wrong with them. But I thought that by this point (21) I'd be....ya know...pretty. I thought it was the right of every 21 year old girl to be pretty. Not so much. But I could ignore it until now...until even my mom says it...and worse, says it in passing...as if its something she's ashamed of. Even now, my friends are beautiful people and I'm still..."that friend". Wishing and hoping isn't going to fix that. No matter what I do, I won't be stunningly beautiful. I remember in high school when a friend of mine said, well, you're not across the room beautiful, but you're pretty. Should have just left it there, but I HAD to ask, what do you mean. He said. well, there are some girls that you just see them from across the room and they are gorgeous. And then, there are girls like you...you have to walk across the room to see their prettiness.
It's funny becuase the other day I was thinking about posting a dissertation on "sometimes I believe God gave me a brain because he forgot to give me looks". But I dismissed it as just a bad day. Apparently I had the right idea.
Now that I think about it, only two people have ever called me beautiful. One was my dad...cuz he was being a dad. And isaac. But I'm starting to believe he was just being nice. Sigh. No one has ever called me sexy. Ha. Well, not without wanting something in return. I guess in a way I should be grateful for what I DO have and not wish for anything more...but I'm thinking I'm just about done with thinking about a family or even a husband/boyfriend for the future. I'm always going to be the friend. I should just deal with it and become a hopeless workaholic. It would be easier to explain to myself.
I wish I could reconcile this with myself. whatever. If I look like this, then I look like this. It doesn't matter.
Now, its ok for a mom to say, hey you have a bad haircut, or that shirt doesn't fit...but to tell your daughter that she isn't beautiful....
Ok, now, let's take this in perspective. I've always known I wasn't textbook beautiful. On a good day, I would be homely. That's just life ya'll. In high school, my friends were beautiful. They always got the guy attention and I was just "that friend". Sure I had boyfriends, but there was always something wrong with them. But I thought that by this point (21) I'd be....ya know...pretty. I thought it was the right of every 21 year old girl to be pretty. Not so much. But I could ignore it until now...until even my mom says it...and worse, says it in passing...as if its something she's ashamed of. Even now, my friends are beautiful people and I'm still..."that friend". Wishing and hoping isn't going to fix that. No matter what I do, I won't be stunningly beautiful. I remember in high school when a friend of mine said, well, you're not across the room beautiful, but you're pretty. Should have just left it there, but I HAD to ask, what do you mean. He said. well, there are some girls that you just see them from across the room and they are gorgeous. And then, there are girls like you...you have to walk across the room to see their prettiness.
It's funny becuase the other day I was thinking about posting a dissertation on "sometimes I believe God gave me a brain because he forgot to give me looks". But I dismissed it as just a bad day. Apparently I had the right idea.
Now that I think about it, only two people have ever called me beautiful. One was my dad...cuz he was being a dad. And isaac. But I'm starting to believe he was just being nice. Sigh. No one has ever called me sexy. Ha. Well, not without wanting something in return. I guess in a way I should be grateful for what I DO have and not wish for anything more...but I'm thinking I'm just about done with thinking about a family or even a husband/boyfriend for the future. I'm always going to be the friend. I should just deal with it and become a hopeless workaholic. It would be easier to explain to myself.
I wish I could reconcile this with myself. whatever. If I look like this, then I look like this. It doesn't matter.