On Honesty
I wrote this for Writing for Psych, thought you all might like a read of it.
Should one always be completely honest? Conventional wisdom tells us that “honesty is the best
policy.” Personal and vicarious experience has shown me that sometimes the truth is detrimental
with no redeeming value.
One should, of course, be honest by default. You shouldn’t tell a girlfriend that the top she’s
trying on looks amazing on her- thus leading her to spend the money in buying it- if it, in fact,
looks atrocious. Nor should you lie to your partner, if s/he asks where you were or who you were
talking to. An inclination to lie to your partner about things indicates that you may be developing
inappropriate feelings for what you were doing or who you were with, and means
you need to
examine your relationships and where it is going and where it should go from here.
Honesty, or the semblance thereof, leads to trust, which leads to relationships- friendships,
family connections, or romantic involvements all require trust. You trust the other person to be
fair to you, to understand that they are important to you and that you understand you are
important to them. A bad end to a romantic relationship taught me that once trust is gone, a
relationship is dead- regardless of if one did anything to deserve that loss of trust.
Telling the truth should not be limited to direct questions. You’ll be considered a more
responsible person if you confess to a mishap before it is discovered and confronted (provided
that you’re also willing to deal with the consequences). By breaking something- whether it be a
vase, a car or someone’s trust- and letting someone else take care of the mess, you are
demonstrating a lax character, and if you are later found out people may lose their confidence in
you.
There are naturally occasions when telling the truth is painful. You may not want to tell someone
that they’re being selfish or hurtful, or that they do look fat in that dress, or that their spouse is
indeed cheating. It’s natural to not want to hurt people or their feelings. But one must think of
how these people would feel later, when the consequences of their actions (or inactions) come to
light. For instance, if you stop talking to a friend because you felt abused by their words or
deeds, they won’t know that they hurt your feelings. Your silence is, in fact, unfair to them
because you haven’t given them the chance to apologize for their thoughtlessness. They may
even be hurting their other friends in a similar fashion, and be in danger of losing all of their
friendships, leaving themselves alone.
On the other hand, one needn’t offer up information that will emotionally hurt the receiver with
no benefit. Telling a friend that you hate something that they have no power to change (their
complexion, eye color, laugh, etc.) is hurtful and unnecessary, even if true. Complaining about
someone else’s behavior or habits to someone other than said person can be hurtful and vicious.
We all need to blow off steam occasionally, but gossipy or derisive behavior is unproductive and mean.
Similarly, I have discovered that truth- especially painful truth- must be carefully couched
so that it will be heard. You may tell a friend, “That guy you’ve been seeing is a jerk,” but will she
hear that? She may just hear, “I’m jealous because I’m single and you’re in a relationship.”
Likewise, there are truths that some people are not (yet) willing to hear. One must always take
into account one’s audience.
Honesty is a complicated topic, but judicious dispensation will get you far. If you’re unsure
about whether to tell, the best policy is to contemplate if you’d want to know: “Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you.”
Should one always be completely honest? Conventional wisdom tells us that “honesty is the best
policy.” Personal and vicarious experience has shown me that sometimes the truth is detrimental
with no redeeming value.
One should, of course, be honest by default. You shouldn’t tell a girlfriend that the top she’s
trying on looks amazing on her- thus leading her to spend the money in buying it- if it, in fact,
looks atrocious. Nor should you lie to your partner, if s/he asks where you were or who you were
talking to. An inclination to lie to your partner about things indicates that you may be developing
inappropriate feelings for what you were doing or who you were with, and means
you need to
examine your relationships and where it is going and where it should go from here.
Honesty, or the semblance thereof, leads to trust, which leads to relationships- friendships,
family connections, or romantic involvements all require trust. You trust the other person to be
fair to you, to understand that they are important to you and that you understand you are
important to them. A bad end to a romantic relationship taught me that once trust is gone, a
relationship is dead- regardless of if one did anything to deserve that loss of trust.
Telling the truth should not be limited to direct questions. You’ll be considered a more
responsible person if you confess to a mishap before it is discovered and confronted (provided
that you’re also willing to deal with the consequences). By breaking something- whether it be a
vase, a car or someone’s trust- and letting someone else take care of the mess, you are
demonstrating a lax character, and if you are later found out people may lose their confidence in
you.
There are naturally occasions when telling the truth is painful. You may not want to tell someone
that they’re being selfish or hurtful, or that they do look fat in that dress, or that their spouse is
indeed cheating. It’s natural to not want to hurt people or their feelings. But one must think of
how these people would feel later, when the consequences of their actions (or inactions) come to
light. For instance, if you stop talking to a friend because you felt abused by their words or
deeds, they won’t know that they hurt your feelings. Your silence is, in fact, unfair to them
because you haven’t given them the chance to apologize for their thoughtlessness. They may
even be hurting their other friends in a similar fashion, and be in danger of losing all of their
friendships, leaving themselves alone.
On the other hand, one needn’t offer up information that will emotionally hurt the receiver with
no benefit. Telling a friend that you hate something that they have no power to change (their
complexion, eye color, laugh, etc.) is hurtful and unnecessary, even if true. Complaining about
someone else’s behavior or habits to someone other than said person can be hurtful and vicious.
We all need to blow off steam occasionally, but gossipy or derisive behavior is unproductive and mean.
Similarly, I have discovered that truth- especially painful truth- must be carefully couched
so that it will be heard. You may tell a friend, “That guy you’ve been seeing is a jerk,” but will she
hear that? She may just hear, “I’m jealous because I’m single and you’re in a relationship.”
Likewise, there are truths that some people are not (yet) willing to hear. One must always take
into account one’s audience.
Honesty is a complicated topic, but judicious dispensation will get you far. If you’re unsure
about whether to tell, the best policy is to contemplate if you’d want to know: “Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you.”