(no subject)

[stardustenigma]

I was explaining the whole Seth/Horus/Loki thing to a friend. It turned into pure crack. I just realized I'd never posted this, and probably should.


In the beginning, Ra created Anubis, then Set, then Thoth, then Osiris, and divided his kingdom between them.

He gave Egypt to Osiris, because Ra totally plays favorites.

And the Moon to Thoth.

Set asked for the desert, but Ra was all "NO YOU SUCK, Anubis can have it."

And Anubis was like "Dude, the desert's hot. I don't want that. let Set have it."

So Ra's all "Fine."

And Set's all "Anubis I love you, man. Except not in that creepy incestual way. Alright, totally in that creepy incestual way. Wanna shag?"

But Anubis was like "NO, OMG, ANUBIS/THOTH OTP."

And then Anubis and Thoth spent the next 6000 years staring lovingly at each other without ever telling each other that they were crazy about each other, and Set's all "Dude. You guys are losers."

So Set is from the beginning totally gay, which makes me incredibly happy, because he's described as being virile but impotent, like the desert.

And he has crazy moodswings, like the desert. And only one testicle, because Horus swipes one of them.

So Osiris is all like "nyah, nyah, I'm the BEST," and Set's all like "You SUCK, PLS DIE," chops him to pieces and throws him in the river.

So then Isis is like "SADNESS. BUT I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM ONE LAST TIME." So she collects the pieces, sews hiim back together, and bangs the corpse.

(Osiris then, being dead, goes to the underworld and steals the throne from Anubis.)

Nine months later, Horus! :DDDD

So Set takes control of the throne of Egypt in Osiris' absence, because no one can prove he did it and the jury's out as to whether it was Set or Apep who did it (Apep was the original god of evil and chaos and Set kicked his ASS and defended Ra, but in later versions Set was villified because of actual political reasons in the part of egypt that worshiped Set being taken over and stuff.)
But Isis is all "OMG U SUXXORS," takes her kids (Bast and Horus) and goes and hides in the Delta while they grow up.
So Set spends some years searching for them, and one day comes across Horus... bathing or something.
So he walks up and is like "HEY MAN NICE BUTT." (The Actual Quote is "How lovely is your backside", direct translation, which is so much win.)

And then they go to the desert and have WILD SEX

So Horus tattles to his mommy, and Isis is all like "WTF SLUT."

So Isis is all "He killed your father, he's evil, you have to kill him and reclaim egypt for the side of GOOD! So here's what you do..."

So Horus goes back to Set and they have sex again (and they have sex in a fashion that was typical back then, being sex between the thighs instead of actual penetration), and Horus sticks his hand between his legs and catches set's Semen in his hand.

Then he's all "*hiding hand behind back* So. I'm hungry. How's about lunch?" And set's like "Cool."

So Horus goes, cuts off his hand, throws it in the nile, gets a fake hand from mommy, goes and gets some lettuce (Set's favorite food is lettuce because Egyptian lettuce is phallic shaped and "excretes a milky substance when rubbed" :DDDD).

He jacks off on the lettuce, then is like "HEY SET. LETTUCE. YUMMEH."

And Set's like "'LETTUCE. <3 *DEVOUR*"

So then Horus goes to the council of gods and is like "Egypt should totally be mine. I sexually dominated Set, so therefore I win."

And Set's like "BITCH STFU."

So Thoth comes forward and is like "Okay. Dude. We settle this like MEN. Humina humina SET'S SPERM SPEAK FORTH."

So set's sperm calls back from the river and is all "Word."

Then Thoth calls to Horus' sperm. And It speaks from INSIDE SET OMG.

So the gods all laugh at Set for being fucked by HORUS, the MOMMASBOY.

And Set's like "You CHEATING BITCH. DIE." And he jumps Horus, and they fight, and he puts Horus' eye out, and Horus rips one of Set's testicles off.

Yep. So anyway, Set's all like *SULK* and Horus is all like "I TRIUMPH OVER EVIL, GO ME."

Now, Horus' typist used some of the American Gods canon when making Horus, so that had to be worked into the story

If you haven't read it, pretty much Horus just spends too much time as a hawk and goes mildly nutters.

So then they all come to DF.

And Horus meets Loki and Loki's like "I put your sanity back together. We cuddle. And snog. <3"

And then Set shows up and is like "BITCH. DIE."

And Set wanders around being a total bastard.

And then he loses his powers due to some other character from some book who takes the powers of gods so they can go on vacation.

And Set is like "I am POWERLESS. ANGST!"

And Kaos from some other book, is like "Hey, nice ass."

And they have a brawl for some unknown reason, and then sex, and set's a total wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am lover, so Kaos is like "dude, you suck. get me off or else." And Set is all "bitch pls."

So Kaos rapes his ass. :DD

And then Set's like "I was forcibly dominated by another man. I feel so WEAK and HELPLESS."

So then he gets his powers back, kicks Kaos' ass with the help of Loki, spends some time angsting, spends some time angsting as a CUTE FUZZY ANIMAL THING, and works on seducing Loki.

Then he's like "HORUS. I'M SORRY. I WAS A BASTARD. I STILL WUV YOU. LET'S FUCK."

And Horus is all. "*sniffle* *cling* Okay."

And then there some more angst because Loki's like "YOU DON'T LOVE ME. ;_;" And Horus is all "I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON I WANT TO DIE."

And Set is all "Are you people stupid or something? Hello? Threesome?"

So finally Set knocks sense into them and they have a threesome.

Even if Set is completely insane and goes psychopathic on them every few months. XD

Look, it even has reader reviews, like a real book! XD Looking into publication, the next installment in the Stuff for Dummies series...

"........ i think you are the first people to create something MORE INCOHERANT AND CONFUSING than actual egyptian mythology XD" - Megu
"THEYRE LIKE THE FOUNDING FATHERS OF SLASH. I DONT SEE THE MESOPOTAMIANS DOING ANYTHING COOL LIKE THIS" - Steph