Who needs crack when you've got TOAST?
As things so often do, a table has appeared in a corner of a frequently-visited room of the mansion. This table is covered in toast and the necessary accoutrements, courtesy of the Toast Marketing Board.
Those who visit the toast table may take their pick of toasts, but their speech will be impacted as a result:
--Those who choose white bread will affect an accent of their typist's choosing.
--Those who choose wheat bread will suffer from an unusual predilection--their voices will only be audible to those who really shouldn't be hearing what they say.
--Those who choose rye bread may only speak in rhyming couplets.
--Those who get fancy and choose anything else will find themselves with the capacity to be understood by animals and plants.
And then, of course, one must top one's toast:
--Jam? Whenever someone speaks to jam-eaters, they hear the opposite of whatever the speaker actually said.
--Butter or margarine? Fine, but those who choose a butter-type spread will find themselves with butter-fingers as well.
--Marmalade will reverse the romantic certainties of the eater--that is, those who were certain about their love are now questioning and confused, and those who were once confused have now steadfastly decided (for better or for worse, as marmalade doesn't come with a side of wisdom).
--Those who choose cheese will be forced encouraged to pay the cheese tax (587% on hard cheeses and 620% on smelly!). Really, it's a citizen's duty!
And above all else, don't forget to express a great love of toast! Such a feast will naturally be filmed for use in future toast-marketing endeavours!
The Toast Marketing Board appears in Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series and has been pulled from the beginning of Lost in a Good Book. The typist apologizes fully for this incident and cannot explain why, exactly, she felt the need to wreak toast havoc on the community.
Those who visit the toast table may take their pick of toasts, but their speech will be impacted as a result:
--Those who choose white bread will affect an accent of their typist's choosing.
--Those who choose wheat bread will suffer from an unusual predilection--their voices will only be audible to those who really shouldn't be hearing what they say.
--Those who choose rye bread may only speak in rhyming couplets.
--Those who get fancy and choose anything else will find themselves with the capacity to be understood by animals and plants.
And then, of course, one must top one's toast:
--Jam? Whenever someone speaks to jam-eaters, they hear the opposite of whatever the speaker actually said.
--Butter or margarine? Fine, but those who choose a butter-type spread will find themselves with butter-fingers as well.
--Marmalade will reverse the romantic certainties of the eater--that is, those who were certain about their love are now questioning and confused, and those who were once confused have now steadfastly decided (for better or for worse, as marmalade doesn't come with a side of wisdom).
--Those who choose cheese will be forced encouraged to pay the cheese tax (587% on hard cheeses and 620% on smelly!). Really, it's a citizen's duty!
And above all else, don't forget to express a great love of toast! Such a feast will naturally be filmed for use in future toast-marketing endeavours!
The Toast Marketing Board appears in Jasper Fforde's Thursday Next series and has been pulled from the beginning of Lost in a Good Book. The typist apologizes fully for this incident and cannot explain why, exactly, she felt the need to wreak toast havoc on the community.